Marriage Advice

[Buckalew11]

I guess I am wondering on what you feel you are settling on.

His parents pressured you into marriage? Do you think you just married him because it was the next step?

I think many bride-to-be's get caught up in the planning of the wedding and no the planning of the marriage. I'm sorry you feel you did.

So more things about DH drive you crazy than not?

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, good idea not to have a baby.

BTW, how old are you?

Two years married and the bloom is off the rose. The honeymoon period is over. The fun of "playing house" is over, and now the "real" marriage begins. I don't mean these to sound sarcastic, because I am not in any way being sarcastic. I am being quite honest. There is the dating period, where hopefully you determine if this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Sounds like your dating period may have had some undue influence from his, and possibly, your parents. There is the engagement period, where the focus of everyone's existence is the wedding, and perhaps not the marriage. Then there is the 1st 1-2 years of marriage, where you are setting up your house, assuming your roles in the marriage, learning to live together etc. At about year 2, things sort of "settle in"...the "newlywed" novelty has worn off, you are comfortable around each other, your list of his habits that annoy you to death grows, his list of your habits that annoy him to death grows (because believe me, he finds some of your habits just as annoying as you find some of his!!! ).

Marriage is not always going to be like you see it on TV. The handsome husband is not going to come home from his six-figure executive position every day, and kiss his beautifully dressed & coiffed wife hello, as she waits for him with a gourmet meal warming on the stove, and a bottle of champagne chillling. Sometimes it's about getting pizza for dinner and washing someone's dirty underwear.

Maybe you are married to the wrong person. Maybe you are married to the right person, but just don't think so. Maybe some of your friends aren' married and you see them being able to go out and have all kinds of fun while you have to stay home. Maybe his parents are too involved in your life and it's becoming annoying. Maybe he doesn't stand up for you or stand with you when dealing with his annoying parents. Maybe your parents are too involved in your life, and it's becoming annoying. Maybe you don't stand up for him or stand with him when dealing with your annoying parents. Maybe you don't have as much money as you'd like, and can't do all the fun things you want to. Maybe you'r ehaving trouble at work, coming home crabby and taking it out on him. Maybe he's having trouble at work, coming home crabby and taking it out on you.

Do you see what I mean?

Do yourself and your husband a few favors:
~Don't get pregnant
~Throw yourself into marriage counselling. And I mean that. Don't go into it with the thought process "Well, I'll do this but I don't think it'll help". Decide that it will help, and participate and do the things you need to do to make it help.
~Be honest in the counselling, even if at times you have to be brutally honest. Be kind though, and there is a way to do both. Remember, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.

DH is a great guy but you don't want to settle? What exactly are you looking for? Someone better than great??? That's pretty hard to find in a human being.

I wish you well in your quest.

 

[Guest17]

Wow, that seems harsh. I think it is possible to be a little "too honest". You don't have to verbalize every little hurtful thing to work this out!

Was your husband blind-sided or has their been problems for quite some time?

I truly hope you come to decision of what is best for you.

All the best.

I keep thinking about what you said here. I don't think it was too honest and I am sorry if I hurt him. I needed to get to the root of the problem and was just being honest with him.

I don't understand the mentality to settle. Don't people make mistakes? I never went into this thinking I would EVER leave. I planned on spending the rest of my life with this man. But it's life and I have to figure out what is best for both of us. Would you want your spouse to stay even if they were unhappy and didn't love you? I am not trying to argue with anyone, I appreciate all your opinions and advice, I am just trying to sort this all out.

We have been married for 2 years, but we never really had that honeymoon period. It's life and it's not like all of a sudden...I don't know.

No there isn't anyone else. I think he is a great guy, and possibly my best friend, but I have lots of friends like that and I don't want to marry them. And no, we don't have a lot of married friends, it wasn't like the thing to do. When we were dating we were starting to plan moving in together. His parents, being very religious, said no (basically they would disown him). So we said ok, we are getting married.

I just feel like if he isn't the man I want to spend my life with, if we got married just because it was the next step, why should I continue on with this. It's not fair to either of us. And if boils down to I am not in love with him and never have been, counseling may not do anything. It's not a specific problem I have with him or something he can change (I mean there are always little things, but I have my problems too).

 

[mickeyfan2]

One can have a great marriage and not have the love that you are talking about. Respect and trust are a must for a great marriage and love is the icing on the cake. There was a couple by us that was celebrating their 75th anniversary. They asked the couple how did you have such a successful marriage. The man said, "We never both fell out of love with our spouse at the same time. The one still in love worked to keep the marriage together until the other spouse found the love again." BTW I remember a survey about marriage. They found that in all "bad/unloving" marriages that things were far better 5 years later, but both partners had to work on it. Don't jump out of this marriage too quickly, you may regret it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I recommend personal, private counseling FOR YOU, not him. This is about YOU. You need to make sure you are not doing this out of fear, weakness, or something else, like the fear of moving forward or as you call it "settling". I don't view settling as a negative, but preparation for the future.

I sense great fear in your posts. (to quote Yoda...)
This is why...
You married under pressure. You "gave in".
You are in turmoil and not working it out with your spouse.
You wanted to live together but didn't because of "disowning".
Now things are driving you crazy and you want to run away and not face them.
You are second guessing yourself as a way to cloud your mind, they call it "distraction". You focus on the past, mistakes, "feelings", etc... instead of moving forward with this person (being honest and working on it).
How many things does your dh do to bother you and instead of compromising you "give in"? Make a list.

Now I am not saying you need to stay marriage. That is for you to decide.

The old saying is...."No matter where you go, you take yourself with you." This is a true statement, believe it.

"Feelings" come from "caring". Caring is an action verb. What are you doing actively to create a positive marriage? What is he doing?
Does your spouse actively do things (not say), do things to boost your marriage?

I like to do this analogy to help people understand that. For example...You see a small child crying in the store. You feel bad that he is sad. However..."feeling bad" for him does NOT help the child.
Only walking over and helping him to safety will. That is what caring is.

Stuff to think about...

 

[SillyMe]

While I respect everyone's advice, I'm coming in with a different view on this. I am the person she's talking about in a sense, I'm just going through the separation because of the reasons she mentioned.

I strongly urge you to continue counseling to make sure you know what you want...whether it's for the marriage to continue or not. However, I completely understand what you are saying. No, you should not have to settle, if that is what you felt you did. Even if he is a good person, treats you well, it doesn't mean you should stay for those reasons. If you truly are not "in love" with him, somewhere down the road those feelings, or lack of, will lead to bitterness and resentment toward the negative things he does. Neither one of you will be happy and that is not fair to either of you.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

I just have to add that this is about YOUR life. No the grass isn't always greener, but if you honestly feel like you're settling and you're truly not happy and know for certain that this marriage will never work...then you need to look out for yourself and try to make the best out of your life...for YOU.

 

[SC Minnie]

Sounds like you have already made up your mind.

 

[EthansMom]

But I don't want to settle.

Dh is a great guy, but at the same time I could give you a list of qualities that drive me crazy about him. This isn't about not having that lovey dovey feeling anymore. I realize that doesn't last for ever. We have been married 2 years. I feel like a lot of our situation is circumstantial. We were dating, and he is a great guy who wanted to the life I did (graduate college, get married, have babies, great job...). I feel I need to really discover how I feel. Part of me feels that I was so wrapped up in what was going on while we were dating (his parents were a huge influence on what path we took) and the wedding planning that I am not sure I took the time to discover if this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I never thought that I would be the person even talking about getting seperated much less divorced. I am not doing this because I am bored or like I said, lost that feeling. DH is my best friend, but I don't know if he is everything and the person I want to spend my life with. And as much as I want a baby, I don't want to bring one into this doubt.

You say you, "Don't want to settle." I would recommend writing down a list of what you are "settling" for. Honestly, what more do you think you would get from being separated that you don't have with your DH? Are you settling because you aren't accomplishing some goals you have? If so, ask your DH if he can support you in those goals.

If you wish your DH would change some habits, then tell him, "X, Y, Z bothers me and I'd really like it if you'd work on that." Really, you're not going to find a guy out there without warts. If you think you're going to find a better man, you're most likely in for a rude awakening -- everyone has issues/bad habits/baggage... EVERYONE.

 

[kdibattista]

You don't love him... if you loved him, you would not be that "honest" with him. If my husband told me he wasn't sure he ever loved me, that would kill me. I truly feel sorry for your husband and I hope for his sake he finds someone who does loves him the way he should be loved.

Why do I feel that way? Because I've gone through this situation... my sister was you and took the easy way out. I saw how devastated my brother in law was and I would not wish that on my worst enemy... let alone my spouse, who I supposedly love.

He questions every relationship, wondering if she is being honest or if she will leave him in a couple of years because she settled. Needless to say, he is still single and emotionally scarred, 4 years later.

For his sake, you need to make an effort... that's the least you owe him right now.

 

[caitycaity]

Dh is a great guy, but at the same time I could give you a list of qualities that drive me crazy about him.

i think this is true about every couple - even those in happy marriages. i know it is definitely true of me and dh.

a few years ago i started to wonder if we had made a mistake getting married and i found myself spending a lot of time thinking "what if?" about a guy i used to date. i finally came to realize that i had idealized the previous bf in my head just because the things that drove me crazy about dh were the opposite with the bf. of course, i had been forgetting the fact that there were things that drove me crazy about the bf too.

i really do not believe there is one perfect person or "soulmate" out there. everyone is human and therefore everyone has flaws or things that will annoy you. i think you need to sit down and think about what flaws annoy you the most (in general not just the ones your dh has) and what flaws you have that annoy others. i have to say although dh does a lot of annoying things, i know i do a lot of things that annoy him too - yet we are able to put up with each others problems.

 

[Buckalew11]

I agree with you Caity, I think many of us have done the "what ifs".

I remember the night I drove home from work, after 2 years of marriage, and I was going to tell DH that it just wasn't working out. It wasn't an all of a sudden thing. I'd been struggling with the thoughts that I'd made a mistake for *2 years*. His attitude was what changed my mind. He really wanted to work things out and I decided to throw myself into our marriage and really try to work it out and you know, this August will be 19 years and I am so glad I tried.

I really hope you can clear your head and look deep inside yourself to see what you want from life, yourself and another person. Another person doesn't make you happy--you make yourself happy. If he is a great guy and decent person, I think he deserves way better than what he is getting from you at this point. Good luck but I think, as someone else said, you've already made up your mind.

 

[beattyfamily]

I feel so sorry for your DH.

No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

Thankfully, there are no children involved.

 

[Sherrypooh]

I too had "settled". I left him, took my boys and we started a life of our own (kids and I). Looking back, it really wasn't as bad as I "thought" it was. No, there was no "butterflies in my stomach" love, but something more mature. You have to do what you have to do, but remember, in marriage I believe you fall in and out of love all the time, and you have to work harder on the times you fall out. I was sure that i was missing something, now I realize I just got lazy. FWIW.

 

[luvwinnie]

I can only tell you my experience: I married someone I was never in love with and left after a year and a half when I realized I didn't even LIKE him much. I pray your problems ARE fixable though.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Beatty, the OP is not flaming her DH or putting him down... She is struggling with some very sensitive realities!!! Let's not all jump on the 'flame the OP' bandwagon here....

To the OP...
one thing that you posted really jumped out at me BIG TIME.

You mention how your inlaws had such an influence on your situation. I think it may be helpful to try to dig a little deeper into that part of the situation. I don't think that I could ever be convinced that any woman would actually plan and go thru a wedding/marriage just to please the inlaws.

I tend to believe that you planned your wedding (albeit under a little pressure) because there was 'something there'.

I, too, have a DH who was always very close to, and very concerned with, his parents. I always swore that I would not let that affect my marriage... And, for many many years, that is exactly what I tried to do. Well, I have recently come to the realization that it has affected my marriage. I now can feel the scars.... I can now see how hurtful it was for me to go for years with my DH often showing more concern for his parents feelings than he did for mine. There have been times when I have had to remind myself just how much I love my DH, and how, flaws and all, he is the man that I fell in love with and married!

 

[beattyfamily]

Beatty, the OP is not flaming her DH or putting him down... She is struggling with some very sensitive realities!!! Let's not all jump on the 'flame the OP' bandwagon here....

I voiced my opinion and you voiced yours. Don't like mine, don't read it.

 

[mommaU4]

Guest17, I think you have recieved some great advice so far. And I do agree that marriages go thru many ups and downs and continue to change over the years as we change and grow as individuals. Give it an honest to goodness try first. Then if you still feel the same maybe you should move on.

Life is short and you should be happy. If you truly believe that it's not meant to be then you shouldn't force yourself to try and make it work.Sometimes it's just as hard to admit you made a mistake. Whatever happens I wish you happiness. Good luck.

P.S. I just wanted to add that IMO the only thing worse than actually being alone, is being with someone and still feeling lonely. Do what you have to do to be happy and fulfilled. Again, good luck.

 

[diznygirl]

If you never loved him, how did you stand there in the church and say your vows with a straight face? Were you thinking, "I'm doing this just so I have a roommate?"

I think you need to answer the question, "What WILL make me happy?" Like others here, I think you have already convinced yourself you have settled and that it's okay to give up and try again. I think you need to make sure that you are doing the right thing THIS time.

 

[Guest17]

Beatty, the OP is not flaming her DH or putting him down... She is struggling with some very sensitive realities!!! Let's not all jump on the 'flame the OP' bandwagon here....

To the OP...
one thing that you posted really jumped out at me BIG TIME.

You mention how your inlaws had such an influence on your situation. I think it may be helpful to try to dig a little deeper into that part of the situation. I don't think that I could ever be convinced that any woman would actually plan and go thru a wedding/marriage just to please the inlaws.

I tend to believe that you planned your wedding (albeit under a little pressure) because there was 'something there'.

I, too, have a DH who was always very close to, and very concerned with, his parents. I always swore that I would not let that affect my marriage... And, for many many years, that is exactly what I tried to do. Well, I have recently come to the realization that it has affected my marriage. I now can feel the scars.... I can now see how hurtful it was for me to go for years with my DH often showing more concern for his parents feelings than he did for mine. There have been times when I have had to remind myself just how much I love my DH, and how, flaws and all, he is the man that I fell in love with and married!

First of all thank you. I amnot going to complain about being "flamed". You all have your right to voice your opinion and even judge if you chose to.

I didn't marry my dh to please my in-laws. In my head, our next step was moving in together. We had spent 2.5 years in a long distance relationship and I wanted to get to know him better. But when his parents made the decision to "disown" him if we moved in together, we decided the next step would be marriage.

For those of you who feel my Dh deserves better and I must not love him since I was being honest, I can only hope that you realize what holding things back in a relationship can do. It is not fair to my dh to not tell him how I am feeling or what I am thinking. I wasn't honest with him to hurt him. I was honest with him so that I could give my marriage an chance. And if it sounds like I have my mind made up, maybe I do a little. That is why my Dh and I are in the situation we are in. If I didn't have these feelings (or lack there of), we wouldn't be here. I have not made up my mind 100%. I am trying to think clearly and fairly and figure out what my true feelings are.

 

[Guest17]

If you never loved him, how did you stand there in the church and say your vows with a straight face? Were you thinking, "I'm doing this just so I have a roommate?"

I think you need to answer the question, "What WILL make me happy?" Like others here, I think you have already convinced yourself you have settled and that it's okay to give up and try again. I think you need to make sure that you are doing the right thing THIS time.

Wow...

Do you all think I have honestly realized this is the way I felt from the beginning? I am not a bad person. I may have made a mistake, but I am not a bad person.