Marriage Advice

[Guest17]

Hey everyone. I am a regular on the dis, but am not ready to come out with this yet.

I have recently told my husband that I am not sure if I am in love with him or I ever have been. I am really confused right now and trying to work things out. I am wondering if we got married because I was in love or if was all circumstantial and just the "next" step.

We are currently in couseling, but I have told him that this might not be a fixable problem.

I would love your advice, input or experience with this. We are both on very different pages and I am working hard to deal with his feelings. I know he has every right to go through all these emotions, but I am dealing with a lot too. I have agreed to give our marriage a fair chance and go to counseling.

 

[Tiggeroo]

is he a good guy/husband. Does he love you, care about you. Do you have children. If you answered yes to the above don't do anything rash. Spend some serious time in counseling. Try to rebuild your love. Love is an action not a feeling. We fall in love based on our feelings then we follow thru with our actions.
You can't sustain the high of an early relationship. In long term relationships there are frequently chunks of time where you aren't in love, even feeling hate or disgust to the partner. These feelings are frequently circumstancial. We get busy, career, mom, mode and don't spend any time as a couple. We get bogged down by finances, stress, etc.

 

[HappyMommy2]

I'm sorry.
I highly recommend the book "The Five Love Languages." If you have time to at least skim it, you might find at least some tidbit in there that would help you determine whether your situation is fixable or not.
I hope all will work out for the best.

 

[Skywalker]

I have recently told my husband that I am not sure if I am in love with him or I ever have been.

Wow, that seems harsh. I think it is possible to be a little "too honest". You don't have to verbalize every little hurtful thing to work this out!

Was your husband blind-sided or has their been problems for quite some time?

I truly hope you come to decision of what is best for you.

All the best.

 

[Buckalew11]

So how long have you been married?

 

[mickeyfan2]

I have agreed to give our marriage a fair chance and go to counseling.

You are doing what you need to right now. Keep an open mind and much pixie dust to you.

 

[poohandwendy]

How long have you been married and is this just out of the blue or have you been fighting or what? Why did you marry him? (I do not mean that as an insult, I sincerely am asking what your motivation was, if you didn't love him)

 

[chell]

Take some time to find out exactly how you feel. You don't want to end up like me and it take loosing him to realize just how much you really do love him. I know it isn't easy but take your time to figure it out for yourself.

 

[kilee]

All relationships have high and low points. I would be really, really sure of everything before I did anything. The only other thing is-- I also don't know that I'd convey such hurtful things. I mean it does sound really awful to tell your spouse you don't think you were ever in love w/ them. I would think there would be much better ways to convey possible emotion issue's. It's one thing to say your feelings have changed. I couldn't even imagine if my dh came to me today and told me he doesn't think he ever loved me-- wow that just blows my mind.

 

[EthansMom]

In all honesty, I think that people are too hung up on "being in love". You get out of a relationship what you (both of you) put into it. If you care for each other and can trust and respect each other, then that is more important than grand passion.

I'm not saying that you can't have love too, but I don't wake up every morning "in love" with DH. I do wake up every morning knowing that DH is my best friend and that I can completely trust him and respect him, which in my book is much more important.

I know a lot of couples who have been divorced and who've been remarried. In most instances, I don't think the people I know are happier or better off single or with their current spouses.

I'm a big supporter of working on your relationship -- building your relationship into what you want and need and finding what you need in yourself to be happy. If you are on "different pages", then you need to sit down together and work on compromises that let you seek your happiness, but still gives your husband what he needs.

Good Luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Do you have children? That would be a factor for me.

 

[alliecats]

I guess I would ask is if the reason you think you are no longer in love with him is because you think you have fallen for someone else?

 

[Disney Doll]

Some questions to ask yourself:
~Why did I marry him?
~What drew me to him?
~What are my expectations of marriage?
~What effect will this have on our children (if there are any)?
~Is this a circumstantial event? (ie-new job, new house, new baby, sick parent or child)
~Am I suddenly thinking this because I am attracted to someone else?
~Is this is cyclical event? (ie-mid-life crisis, married young and getting "the itch")

I would say that marriage is not always easy. There may be times when you will not love your spouse. Heck there may be times when you will not even like your spouse. Many things can contribute to these feelings, and sometimes you just have to suck it up and stick it out for the sake of the commitment you made. You'd be surprised what a difference a few weeks ca make with regard to your feelings about your spouse.

I would urge you not to make any hasty decisions. Best of luck to you as you work throught this.

 

[Chris2597]

I agree with what others have told you.....but primarily, if your husband is a good man, dont rush into ending your marriage....Marriage is a complex union and I think it is normal that there are times when you are not, not sure, cant stand, love, in love, totally inlove with your mate, hopefully most of the time it you will love your mate....I have been married a very long time 30 yrs to my dh....we married when I was 18 (no baby on the way), we have 3 children.... I watched some of our friends marriages end and it seemed there was always one of the partners that had the "grass is greener" syndrome....which typically turned out to be furthest from the truth....I believe that people end relationships, only to get into other relationships and have the same problems....My advise is....try to explore in yourself, why you are unhappy and try to resolve your issues and possibly the issues with your mate will get better.

 

[slo]

I have no advice - I'm sorry. I wanted to stop and post some hugs to you and tell you that I hope all the right choices come to you in time. Please keep us posted on how things work out for you and your marriage.

 

[kilee]

Ethansmom-- I think so much of what you posted is true.

 

[Poohnatic]

I agree with others who've asked what motivated you to marry in the first place.

It would be wonderful if we could all sustain that fiery passion that we had when we first met our husband or wife. Alas, it doesn't work that way. What prompted this? Why now? I'm sure a good counsellor will get to the root of why you feel the way you do, but you can get a head start.

Good luck to you. Please do not make a decision to end your marriage without giving counseling a try.

Suzanne

 

[nwdisgal]

I am glad you are in counseling. That is a good step in the right direction. Just remember marriage goes through stages. There are ups and downs. The challenge is getting through the down, but when you do, if it is a good marriage, it will be that much stronger. Whatever you do, don't do anything in haste.

 

[Guest17]

Thank you all for your comments and support.

#1- No, we do not have children yet. We had started talking about trying soon, but we haven't

#2- A couple of you said something that reminded me of what my father has said in this situation. He basically said if we like being together and don't want to kill each other (and he isn't beating me or anything), than he doesn't see the problem. But I don't want to settle.

Dh is a great guy, but at the same time I could give you a list of qualities that drive me crazy about him. This isn't about not having that lovey dovey feeling anymore. I realize that doesn't last for ever. We have been married 2 years. I feel like a lot of our situation is circumstantial. We were dating, and he is a great guy who wanted to the life I did (graduate college, get married, have babies, great job...). I feel I need to really discover how I feel. Part of me feels that I was so wrapped up in what was going on while we were dating (his parents were a huge influence on what path we took) and the wedding planning that I am not sure I took the time to discover if this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I never thought that I would be the person even talking about getting seperated much less divorced. I am not doing this because I am bored or like I said, lost that feeling. DH is my best friend, but I don't know if he is everything and the person I want to spend my life with. And as much as I want a baby, I don't want to bring one into this doubt.

Thank all again and I am open to any opinions and advice you may have.

 

[EdiePA]

The grass is not greener on the other side, and as far as finding a soulmate -- forget it, you'd probably still be settling.

Divorce has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through -- harder than the death of my fiance when I was in college.

So, my advice would be to work, work, work on your marriage. Work on acting loving, even when you don't feel like it. Never use the word divorce.

Edie

PS -- Would you be okay being single???? Never having children??? Because if you do leave your husband, that may be where you end up.