Lunch with coworkers

[Mizzoufan]

Wouldn't be a problem for me.

 

[lauradis]

I can't say I'd be really happy about either situation with the opposite gender, just one on one. I'm not going to forbid it or anything.

A group? I don't really care. My husbands job doesn't have meetings like this though so I guess I might feel differently if that were the case.

Groups np, just one on one over and over again, I would have a problem with.

Yep I really do have green eyes.

Plus I really believe that people cheat if they want, but deep relationship with the opposite sex when married can lead to a ton of problems.

 

[Planogirl]

I wouldn't have a problem with it.

 

[JanaDee]

Interesting that we live in this society where we are now encouraging children to be gender neutral, we get all bent out of shape when gender is an issue. We carry on about how gender doesn't matter etc etc etc and yet, look at how many of us have an issue with our spouse/significant other hanging out with the opposite gender. Interesting

I have never taught my kids gender doesn't matter. It does, no matter how the PC police want to spin it.

 

[ronandannette]

I have never taught my kids gender doesn't matter. It does, no matter how the PC police want to spin it.

Count me in as somebody who can also still tell the difference between men and women.

 

[WDWBarb]

I have no issue with it. I work with primarily men and if I didn't occasionally have lunch with them, I'd be awfully lonely. We visit clients and stop for lunch. I travel with men and have never thought twice about it. It's rare that their wives have ever had an issue with it (that I know of, I guess I have to say). These guys are totally safe with me and I am totally safe with them. They're friends. When their wives are around the office, they always stop in to say hi and chat with me. They are awesome.

I spend hours behind closed doors with my boss, working on business plans, finances, etc. and his wife is a good friend. Heck, I'm really an adopted member of their family. I babysit their daughter. I doubt she's ever thought twice about it.

DH has many female friends and I'm sure they go to lunch together. Never even really thought about it, but doesn't bother me a bit.

If I were suspicious of him, me having an issue with him spending time with another woman certainly wouldn't prevent something from happening.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

My husband actually forbid me to do so several years ago. On "conference days", we often go have lunch as a group. He was like you are NOT to go in a group that includes men. I was insulted and actually shocked that he felt that way. I was like whatever, and do it anyway.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

Our relationship is such that I would make a joke omit and call her his girlfriend. I don't think this wooild bother me. It doesnt really happen at my job, but I know it would not bother him.

 

[Laura66]

When I was working my husband never had a problem with it. He lunches with both male and female coworker and I have absolutely no problem with it.

 

[MickeySP]

Interesting that we live in this society where we are now encouraging children to be gender neutral, we get all bent out of shape when gender is an issue. We carry on about how gender doesn't matter etc etc etc and yet, look at how many of us have an issue with our spouse/significant other hanging out with the opposite gender. Interesting

It is interesting, but I also don't leave a bowl of M&M's at a Weight Watchers meeting. Trust is a fragile thing and once broken, either the partner respects new boundaries or has to realize the consequences. It doesn't have to be a physical affair, or even an emotional affair but if you see a pattern of behavior i.e. lying about lunches with opposite sex then Smoke does usually equal Fire.

My husband actually forbid me to do so several years ago. On "conference days", we often go have lunch as a group. He was like you are NOT to go in a group that includes men. I was insulted and actually shocked that he felt that way. I was like whatever, and do it anyway.

I have no trouble with groups but see no reason in my DSO profession to an one on one lunch. It would be HIGHLY unusual. If I found out he was doing something I asked him not to(not forbid, he is an adult) I would feel disrespected & wonder why. You either value your partners feeling or not, he values mine so he doesn't. Plus all the guys are jealous of the lunches I make him, they get baloney or peanut butter, he literally gets a hot homecooked meal everyday.

 

[java]

Friends no problem. Some new random work person one on one meal , eh not thrilled with that.

Dh doesn't go out with people so not a problem here. As I recently went back to work I have done "drinks" with mixed company and he doesn't seem to care.

 

[WDWBarb]

It is interesting, but I also don't leave a bowl of M&M's at a Weight Watchers meeting. Trust is a fragile thing and once broken, either the partner respects new boundaries or has to realize the consequences. It doesn't have to be a physical affair, or even an emotional affair but if you see a pattern of behavior i.e. lying about lunches with opposite sex then Smoke does usually equal Fire.



I have no trouble with groups but see no reason in my DSO profession to an one on one lunch. It would be HIGHLY unusual. If I found out he was doing something I asked him not to(not forbid, he is an adult) I would feel disrespected & wonder why. You either value your partners feeling or not, he values mine so he doesn't. Plus all the guys are jealous of the lunches I make him, they get baloney or peanut butter, he literally gets a hot homecooked meal everyday.

I really do find the different responses to this thread interesting. I guess we all see things differently. For example, if I have taken a vow of never eating M&M's again, it wouldn't matter if people offered them to me all day long. I wouldn't eat them. And I assune DH wouldn't either. Yeah, they may look good, but I made a vow. And if DH chose to break that vow, I'd understand he wasn't who I thought he was all along.

And as far as lying about lunches with the opposite sex, there was one time when I was out with a large group and yes, I was the only female. One of the guys nearby got a call on his cell and shushed me and said "You're not here." I didn't know what he meant until I realized he was talking to his wife. That cut me like a knife. I had no interest in this person in that way at all. I'm also married. I'm also "nothing special" in the looks department. It seemed like such an insult to me. He probably wouldn't have been "allowed" (I don't know what other word to use - I promise I'm not being sarcastic at all) to go with the group if she knew I was there (or any woman). So I stopped joining the group for awhile. I hated to make anyone uncomfortable or putting them in a position where they felt they had to be deceptive.

I have been cheated on before and maybe that gave me a different perspective. I realized that a cheater is a cheater and no matter how I felt about it or how much I worried about it, it didn't affect the outcome.

I'm not being critical of anyone's feelings in this thread. It's actually helping me understand a different perspective. Now that I know why others see this differently, I can start taking it less personally.

 

[CandleontheWater]

I'd have a serious problem with DH dictating to me who I could or could not have lunch with or be friends with. It just seems so controlling and quite frankly, demeaning, to have DH tell me who I could and could not spend time with. When I was working, I worked in a male dominated field, and I used to work closely 1-1 with guys, just me and them, out in the woods, all day, every day. We did a lot of traveling to remote areas, and we would work, and have lunch, and dinner together. Sometimes it would be me and a group, on smaller projects it would be me and one other guy. I made some wonderful friends and we had lots of fun together, and it was all completely platonic.

I don't buy the idea that having close friendships with members of the opposite sex somehow demeans a marriage, that is just silly. Having friendships with lots of people gives you a richer, fuller life. I think it would be really sad if my husband was the be-all-end-all of my social life. I also think it would really negatively impact our marrigage.

 

[nugov2]

What if your DH was a police officer and his partner was female...would you have a problem with them having lunch/dinner 1-1?

If your SO is lying about these lunches, then you have a much bigger problem. If he/she is a cheater...he/she is a cheater. It is something wrong with him/her where he is not satisfied in the relationship he will eventually find a way to be with someone else. One of our friends husband cheated on her and it wasn't with someone he met for lunch from work. When you are unsatisfied/unhappy and the type to cheat you will find a way and can meet a willing participant anywhere.

I just don't think guidelines should be set on who you can/can't be friends with b/c of gender. I have a feeling people who lie about that do, because they have an unsupportive spouse and feel they have no other choice. I would have been so embarassed if I was the guy who had to tell the woman in the group to be quiet. How sad that he is in that kind of relationship or that he is unfaithful and created that problem. Either way it exists because someone in the relationship is insecure and probably both unhappy. If it is something you both agree on that is one thing, but imposing that sanction on someone is a huge red flag that there are problems in the relationship.

 

[MickeySP]

I really do find the different responses to this thread interesting. I guess we all see things differently. For example, if I have taken a vow of never eating M&M's again, it wouldn't matter if people offered them to me all day long. I wouldn't eat them. And I assune DH wouldn't either. Yeah, they may look good, but I made a vow. And if DH chose to break that vow, I'd understand he wasn't who I thought he was all along.

And as far as lying about lunches with the opposite sex, there was one time when I was out with a large group and yes, I was the only female. One of the guys nearby got a call on his cell and shushed me and said "You're not here." I didn't know what he meant until I realized he was talking to his wife. That cut me like a knife. I had no interest in this person in that way at all. I'm also married. I'm also "nothing special" in the looks department. It seemed like such an insult to me. He probably wouldn't have been "allowed" (I don't know what other word to use - I promise I'm not being sarcastic at all) to go with the group if she knew I was there (or any woman). So I stopped joining the group for awhile. I hated to make anyone uncomfortable or putting them in a position where they felt they had to be deceptive.

I have been cheated on before and maybe that gave me a different perspective. I realized that a cheater is a cheater and no matter how I felt about it or how much I worried about it, it didn't affect the outcome.

I'm not being critical of anyone's feelings in this thread. It's actually helping me understand a different perspective. Now that I know why others see this differently, I can start taking it less personally.

My bold - That is exactly what I was talking about. My bet he probably given her reason to feel that way in the past. The fact he is lying now is so not a reflection on you or your morals it is a HUGE reflection on his. I always wonder in business, especially mine where your word is a bond, if someone lies to the one they are supposed to respect & cherish the most - what will they do here.

I have also been cheated on, once I walked, it just wasn't worth the time or effort. The 2nd time(different men) it was.

I'd have a serious problem with DH dictating to me who I could or could not have lunch with or be friends with. It just seems so controlling and quite frankly, demeaning, to have DH tell me who I could and could not spend time with.I When I was working, I worked in a male dominated field, and I used to work closely 1-1 with guys, just me and them, out in the woods, all day, every day. We did a lot of traveling to remote areas, and we would work, and have lunch, and dinner together. Sometimes it would be me and a group, on smaller projects it would be me and one other guy. I made some wonderful friends and we had lots of fun together, and it was all completely platonic.

I don't buy the idea that having close friendships with members of the opposite sex somehow demeans a marriage, that is just silly. Having friendships with lots of people gives you a richer, fuller life. I think it would be really sad if my husband was the be-all-end-all of my social life. I also think it would really negatively impact our marrigage.

Again my bold - there is a difference in telling, forbiding & requesting. I request he respect my feelings but in the end he is an adult. We all have parameters these are mine, you can choose to do what you(collective you) wish but these are mine & that is it. Dealbreaker for you(again collective you) may be different for me because of my life/relationship experience, I don't judge.

I also work in a male dominated field & I do not do one on one lunches or dinners with men. I will socialize in groups, I will drink with the best of them, watch a game, play softball or hockey. I just will not sit down in a restaraunt with any solo man. I have seen too many hit by that train they never saw coming, I choose not to even get on the tracks anymore.

 

[goofyintoronto]

My husband actually forbid me to do so several years ago. On "conference days", we often go have lunch as a group. He was like you are NOT to go in a group that includes men. I was insulted and actually shocked that he felt that way. I was like whatever, and do it anyway.

Wow thats so sad. Im sorry you have to put up with such insecurity and immaturity from your husband.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I'd have a serious problem with DH dictating to me who I could or could not have lunch with or be friends with. It just seems so controlling and quite frankly, demeaning, to have DH tell me who I could and could not spend time with.
I don't buy the idea that having close friendships with members of the opposite sex somehow demeans a marriage, that is just silly. Having friendships with lots of people gives you a richer, fuller life. I think it would be really sad if my husband was the be-all-end-all of my social life. I also think it would really negatively impact our marrigage.

Very well said! I completely agree.

 

[Allison]

Wow thats so sad. Im sorry you have to put up with such insecurity and immaturity from your husband.

I can't even imagine.

 

[Allison]

What if your DH was a police officer and his partner was female...would you have a problem with them having lunch/dinner 1-1?

If your SO is lying about these lunches, then you have a much bigger problem. If he/she is a cheater...he/she is a cheater. It is something wrong with him/her where he is not satisfied in the relationship he will eventually find a way to be with someone else. One of our friends husband cheated on her and it wasn't with someone he met for lunch from work. When you are unsatisfied/unhappy and the type to cheat you will find a way and can meet a willing participant anywhere.

I just don't think guidelines should be set on who you can/can't be friends with b/c of gender. I have a feeling people who lie about that do, because they have an unsupportive spouse and feel they have no other choice. I would have been so embarassed if I was the guy who had to tell the woman in the group to be quiet. How sad that he is in that kind of relationship or that he is unfaithful and created that problem. Either way it exists because someone in the relationship is insecure and probably both unhappy. If it is something you both agree on that is one thing, but imposing that sanction on someone is a huge red flag that there are problems in the relationship.

I agree.

 

[mamacatnv]

I have never taught my kids gender doesn't matter. It does, no matter how the PC police want to spin it.

I agree with you, but if this thread had been "my kindergartner son spends every lunch with his friend (girl), what do you all think?" heaven forbid the person who spoke up and had an issue with the mixed genders. Its just one of those interesting things that our society does.

Count me in as somebody who can also still tell the difference between men and women.