Losing While I Can and Must (comment away!)

[bekkiz]

Wow guys, thanks for keeping me bumped to the top so I wasn't lost in the Dis-universe

I was actually on two seperate trips, and each was good in their own way. Memorial day weekend was work related, and I came back EXHAUSTED! Cutting 210 kids down to 30 was not easy. And in a couple weeks we have to cut to 14.

I came home late, late tuesday night last week and basically took the whole week off My eating was ok, but the only excercise I did was walking the dog, and I don't think I even did that on Wednesday!

We left again Friday afternoon to go watch my cousin pole vault at the CA state meet. It was awesome--she broke the national outdoor record! She already had the indoor, but this was sort of her last chance to get the outdoor.

Here's the record breaking jump on you tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlcQWnck8hc

Sunday, we spent the day w/ my mom in Napa. Let's just say I took the day off of my eating plan I think that's putting it mildly.

I had grand plans of getting back to my walking routine yesterday and today, but it's raining like mad here! So annoying. I've got to get some walking in this week, as my first 5K is this Sunday. I'm hoping if I can walk Wednesday and Friday, I should be ok. I'm thinking I might need to try the recumbant bike tonight, just to do something. I've already decided I can't do the June exercise challenge--I'm just too busy!

anyway, thanks for checking in. I'll get to journals as soon as I can!

 

[bekkiz]

Alright, jumping back on this journaling saddle

Tuesday, 6/5--a totally crazy busy day. I was running all over the place!
B: NF Green tea latte and a peice of reduced fat coffee cake
L: Lean cuisine pannini, 10 cherries and 3 oreos
D: ground turkey burritos (meat, beans, a touch of cheese and sour cream and tomatoes and onions on healthy heart tortilla)
S: 3 oreos

exercise: 23 minute walk w/ the dog and 30 minutes on the recumbant bike (7.2 miles)

 

[tbstein]

Cool youtube video!

Keeping you on the top

Wendy

 

[toystoryduo]

Congrats to your cousin!!!!

Sounds like you are super busy this month. I hope you have some time set aside for some rest and relaxation.

Have a great week!

 

[bekkiz]

Wow, have I been a bad, bad record keeper and a terrible Wish buddy. Thanls Wendy and Tracy for keeping me off page 2!

I have both good and bad news...bad news first

I cannot control my eating the last 2 weeks. I haven't pigged out or binged, but I do let myself have little cheats all over the place (like a soda at lunch, or a few french fries with dinner) and it's those little stupid cheats that keep my weight up. I've got to get things under control.

Good news: I did my first 5K over the weekend and had a personal best of 44:26 (a 14:17 minute mile ave.) It was so much fun, and crossing the finishline was about the coolest thing ever. My next goal is to get the same pace (or around it at least) for a 10K in September. I really feel like all of my "training" has worked and I really feel encouraged to keep it up. Well, maybe not today, my legs are a bit sore

Anywho, off to check in on all of you girls. Thanks for all of the support!

 

[dabute]

Congrats on the 5K. Your time is awesome. Your an inspiration to me. Keep up the good work.

Good luck this week with your food. I know you can get it under control.

 

[bekkiz]

Monday, 6/11

B: big bowl of Smart Start w/ raisins and soymilk
L: A cherry tomato, bell pepper and mozzerella salad w/ basil balsamic vinagrette (I love leftovers when I've gone all out for company--we had guests on Sunday night ) and a slice of sourdough w/marg.
D: A grilled chicken sandwich on foccacia w/ caesar dressing and a little parmsean, some potato chips
S: a couple tbls. of garlic hummus w/ a big handful of the wheat thin chips (baked), 2 small scoops of hagen daz light cookie dough ice cream

Exercise: Just a 23 minute walk w/ the dog (1.1 miles). Had to recover from sunday

 

[toystoryduo]

Congrats on the 5K, Bekki! That is wonderful!

Have a great Wednesday!

 

[eeyore25]

Hi bekkiz

Congrats on your 5K!! That is awesome. I am sure that you will do just a good if not better in September.

Your food looks really good.....that chicken sandwich made me hungry!! Sounds good!

Keep up the good work!

Have a great day

 

[bekkiz]

Thanks guys! I looked at the results and of the women (if I had been in the timed group) I would have been 297/375! Not last! That made me excited

My afternoon student canceled on me yesterday so I got to veg on the couch for a while! It was so nice. Then we finally went to see Pirates. DH was not a fan, but I liked it.

Tuesday, 6/12
B: Bowl of smart start w/soymilk
L: Lean cuisine butternut squash ravioli, handful of wheat thin chips and 1 heaping tablespoon of hummus
D: grilled chicken w/ tomato salsa and a little cheese on a roll
S: 2 small scoops of hagan daaz light cookie dough, about 10 chocolate chips

exercise: Pup got a 22 minute walk (1.1 miles) and I went on a 1 hour and 1 minute walk. I think I went about 3.85 miles. I just wanted to walk for a full hour at a moderate pace. It felt good!

 

[traceycooper]

Hi Bekki
Congrats on the 5K
Loved the you tube video of your cousins awesome jump!!
All the walking will definatly have burnt up some extra cals

 

[tbstein]

Yeah Bekki!

Great job on the 5K. DD did a 3K and they didn't tell us what place she was, but out of 350 girls, she still had over 150 left to come in after her. She isn't a runner, but it is a program called Girls on the Run, that has to more with self esteem and such than becoming a runner. It was her second year doing this, and she did great. She is a star.


Oops, didn't mean to chat about my special star, but really wanted to help put a polish to yours!

Oh, mackinaw was lovely. Nice weather, nice hotel, and not too many folks around. We like going there, and it doesn't grow old. Sort of like Disney!

Take care! Chat with ya later!

Wendy

 

[bekkiz]

Wendy, there was a Girls on the Run group running in our 5K. They looked like they were having a ton of fun, and they had alot of supporters along the route.

Wednesday, 6/13
B: Bowl of smart start and a KAshi Go Lean frozen waffle w/ 2 tsp. pb
L: Taco bell Oops
D: grilled chicken w/tomato salsa and pesto on roll, and a few french fries
S: Pria bar, 10 chocolate chips

Exercise: 22 minute walk w/ the dog

 

[traceycooper]

How ya doing Bekki?
Have a great weekend

 

[bekkiz]

I really just need to get this out and it's going to be disjointed and somewhat sad and I'm not really seeking sympathy (though I'll take what you all give) but I'm finding it hard to talk to my husband a)because I know what he will say and b) I don't want to hear it...Just a warning.

I basically am having a breakdown and I am not sure I can pinpoint what is making me so upset and I can't even blame this on PMS, bit it's been a rough afternoon.

I found out yesterday that something I wanted to do very badly will probably not happen. I wanted to travel with my team, the team I've worked with for 3 years, to their final tournament in Australia next week. But I can't because of my stupid back and my lack of $10,000 to buy a biz class seat and United's stupid policy of not giving people biz class seats even where there are 20 available and I have 110,000 miles to give them in return. So I can't go. And I'm sad.

But I don't think that's what caused me to almost lose it on my walk, or burst into tears in the shower or cry now as I write this. I wish I could be better to myself. I wish I could stop eating stuff that is not good for me. I honestly think if there was a way to get rid of my tastebuds, I would do it, because I don't know how to get myself to stop.

I worry that I will never have children because I told my DH that I wanted to be a certain weight before we tried--so I would be healthy, and don't believe I will ever make it there. I don't think I am strong enough or have enough will power to do what it takes to get healthy. And I think I might hate that part of myself, the part that puts a handful of chocolate chips or a milkshake above my desire for a baby.

I have done this work before and I do not remember it being this hard. What was so different 6 years ago when I could lose almost 70 pounds in 9 months and not even think twice about it. It's taken me 6 months to lose 20, and it has been a struggle every single day.

I feel utterly hopeless right now. I am so sorry to dump all of this out, but like I said, I think I needed to and I have no one else to talk to.

 

[toystoryduo]

Bekki,

I understand what you are going through.... I think I could have written that post myself. This journey we are on can be so very difficult at times. One day, we are working out and feeling great and the next day, we feel like the weight will never come off. It has certainly been a struggle for me... I've been WISHing since 2004 and I am only a few pounds lighter now than I was back then.

I think the key is to take each day as it comes. Everyday has different challenges and different situations that we must deal with. I think if we can focus on doing the best we can each day and just focus on that particular day, then we will feel better about our journeys.

Sweetie, anytime that you need us, we are here for you. Please take some time to do something special for you today.

 

[tbstein]

Oh Bekki...I can certainly empathize with the 'why do I sabotage my self'. I know that the older we get the harder changes are. Even tho the chance to go with your team is very disappointing, I think you found the real reason for the tears. And to acknowledge that must have been very hard in itself. When we look inside ourself, we don't always like what we see, yet, the insight is always more than worth the realization of what we need to really do. Gee, sounds like I am babbling, yet I know you will understand. I send hugs to you. And to voice your fears, sometimes can make them more managable. And more conquerable. I find myself very disappointed in myself when in 6 months I lost 40 pounds with what seemed like no effort, yet in the last 9 months, I have only lost 6. Very hard. I talk to myself, give myself pep talks, and it seems that nothing changes. Being on the DIS has given me the emotional support to handle the disappointment, yet it is still there. Lord I want to be where I need to be, not where I am. I am here to listen, and to share. We will help each other. We will make it. The road may be bumpy, but the road is there for us to use. I have had to make some goal changes, and it could be time for that in your travels. If you are ready emotionally for children, you should focus on that and know that with pregnacy comes a strong will and reserve to be healthy. I just want to send out good thoughts and great wisdoms. I hope I have at least succeeded with the good thoughts. And pixie dust. It is always there for us.

Take care of yourself, and know that we all care.
We all know you are going to meet your goals.

Sending the very best to you

Wendy

 

[goldcupmom]

HUGS, Bek!!

I totally understand where you are now. If you feel you are ready for kids, the Dr. says 'ok', don't let your weight decide. I know several people who actually LOST weight while eating healthy during pregnancy (NO, I was not one of them!)

Losing weight is not as easy as it was when you were younger & it's VERY frustrating. Hard to accept for me that it's a journey that will last the rest of my life, but it's a good journey to be on.

Hang in there!

 

[bekkiz]

Thanks you guys, I needed to get that out, and it's so nice to have people who understand...and have been there themselves.

My crazy breakdown lasted about 36 hours before I could really get a handle on myself and not feel like crying every 20 minutes.

Still, I'm feeling the effects. I can't sleep through the night, I woke up around 4:15 am yesterday, and about 3:50 this morning and just can't get back to sleep. Plus my student is really pushing my buttons, mostly because I think he's sick of me and sick of school--like very 7th grader would be the last week of June. But it's really hard to not lose my cool when there's so much other stuff going on and he's being a pill on top of it. I had to watch a movie with him (related to the material, but still) because 4 hours was going to kill me.

Eating has been much better since I last posted. I picked up the Best Life Diet book in the library, and although a lot of what he says I know, it's good to hear it again.

We're going away again this weekend for a wedding, which should be fun. But next week, I will be much better about food journaling and such

 

[kimwim8]

HUGS Bekki

I'm glad you feel better. We all struggle with the "why can't I be stronger" feeling. I have more days that I feel like that, than days that I feel good about what I'm trying to do. Hang in there, girl. And absolutely post to us (or send a PM anytime) about anything!

Oh, and a late congrats to your cousin. That was an awesome video!