Looking for opinions

[irish dancer]

Hi...this is my first time on the Community Board but I'm looking for opinoins on something non-Disney related so here goes. I'll try to figure a way to make this short.

Brief background, my oldest DSis and I had a falling out a few years ago and really haven't spoken since, she ignores me and has told people I'm not her sister anymore. It's tough because we used to be very close, we also live in the same town and our kids go to the same school (both youngest DDs are in same class ).

Today her oldest dd9 called my oldest dd10 and invited her to go to Florida with them for spring break. I got on the phone and told her I had to talk to her mother (my DSis) because a 9 & 10yr old were not making decisions about trips from Illinois to Florida.

Well, they are driving down and leaving 3/31 and coming home 4/14. My dad has a house in Sarasota so that is ther destination. Of course now my dd is BEGGING me to let her go. She is complaining that she never gets to spend time with her cousin because of our relationship and that she wants to see her grandpa.

My main issue is she'll miss 3 days of school and be gone for 2 weeks. She has already missed 7 days this year, 6 for our Disney trip and 1 day sick but she is a good solid A/B student. My DHs issue is that my DSis basically thinks we are evil and has a problem with sending our dd with them, he doesn't see how they can separate their feelings for us from dd.

Would you let your 10yr old go away for 2 weeks with a relative you don't have the best relationship with?

 

[NMAmy]

I have a similar relationship with one of my sisters so I can understand why you might be nervous.

With my own sister, I do know that she loves dd and would treat her well so, yes, even though she's not my favorite person, I would let dd go with her for 2 weeks--particularly if they were going to a grandparent's home.

Only you can guess how your sister might behave, though, and I would hate to put a 10 yo in the position of having to defend her parents and be stuck with them for 2 weeks. It does seem a shame to have your dd not be able to spend time with her cousin anymore, though. Perhaps you can talk to your sister before the trip and tell her your concerns?

 

[SleepyMom]

That's a tough one.

Could you fly your DD down for a shorter time to stay with Granddad? Then she would have time with him and cousin, and not miss so much school.

 

[CheshireVal]

Not knowing the circumstances, this may be impossible for you.

But is there a chance that now might be a good time for you and your sister to try to start talking again? Make a fresh start?

If not, I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation. If it's really been so long since you and your sister have talked, then it would be hard for you to judge how she is going to treat your daughter. Then again, I can understand your daughter wanting to spend time with her cousin and grandfather, too.

Tough situation!

 

[shirleyb]

Very tough situation. I like sleepymom's suggestion, but I honestly don't know what I would do in that situation. Without knowing your sister, it's really hard for us to make the call.

 

[Christine]

Well, what is your sister like? Obviously she's mad at your for something she perceives that you have done. Is she justified in being mad? Did you give her a reason?

As you say, you've known her forever and were close forever. You know better than anyone what type of person she is. Besides the fallout between you two, do you believe she is an honest and kind person?

 

[darrose]

I would not let her go due to the amount of school days missed this school year.
I also would be concerned about leaving my child with someone who does not
acknowlege me.
I also think it was handled poorly on their side. Missing three MORE days of school should have been run by you first. The way she handled it automatically makes you and your husband the bad guys. NOT FAIR to you or your husband!!!
Bottome line for me: I wouldnt let my kids be away that far from me for two weeks with someone who does
talk to me.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am with your dh. I would never let my kids go away with someone who doesn't talk to me and thinks I am evil. I don't care if it was my own mother. Just a little FYI, we had a huge falling out with part of my parents' familes and I wouldn't even let them see my kids let alone vacation with them. JMHO.

 

[Acklander]

I also think it was handled poorly on their side. Missing two MORE weeks of school should have been run by you first.

The way I read it is, even though the trip is 2 weeks, she would only be missing 3 days of school.

To the OP, Maybe by inviting your daughter on the trip is her way of extending an olive branch? Being that there were hard feelings between you two it must have been hard for her to make the offer.

 

[gris gris]

As long as you trust your sister not to put your DD in harm's way, I'd let her go. Just because you and your sister don't get along doesn't mean your DD shouldn't have the opportunity to be with her family. The only reason you are thinking twice about this is because of your relationship with sister. If the relationship were fine, would you let her go? The only issue then would be taking her out of school. The relationship between you & your sister should not affect the relationships your DD has with the rest of her family.

 

[mytwotinks]

I don't think that the missed days are that big of a deal really. My main problem with it would be sending her with someone that you don't really know anymore. Maybe you could call your sister and just talk about the details. Is there any chance that this is her way of reaching out to you? Could she possibly be trying to open the door for you two to make peace? Sometimes the first step is a hard one to take and it can come off a little awkwardly.

Even if your sister doesn't want to restart a relationship with you, if she is willing to talk openly about the details of the trip and you are comfortable with them I would let your dd go. She obviously feels comfortable enough with your sister to want to be with her. I would take that as a sign that your sis probably doesn't take the relationship troubles out on your dd.

Good luck!

 

[Hannathy]

As long as you trust your sister not to put your DD in harm's way, I'd let her go. Just because you and your sister don't get along doesn't mean your DD shouldn't have the opportunity to be with her family. The only reason you are thinking twice about this is because of your relationship with sister. If the relationship were fine, would you let her go? The only issue then would be taking her out of school. The relationship between you & your sister should not affect the relationships your DD has with the rest of her family.

I have to agree. I don't get along very well with my sister but I let my kids go (fly alone) and spend time with her. She loves them very much and they love her. just because we don't get along doesn't mean they don't. If she has made up the work and it is only 3 days in 3rd grade I would let her miss. It sounds like it is around a break, if so there will be a lot of kids out so they probably won't do anything new. Kids aren't usually too sick in April or May so I wouldn't worry too much about more absences, if she were older it would be a bigger deal.

I applaud your sister for being able to overlook your differences and extend the invitation to your daughter, anyone who can do that must have some good qualities. Maybe she want to begin speaking to you again and this is her first step? And even if she doesn't it still is nice for your DD. I'd let her go.

 

[darrose]

If you let her go it sends the signal that its ok to not talk to you and create more situations for your daughter to be used as a pawn. (ie. more trips down the road, family events where dd is invited but you and hubby arent, etc).
I wouldnt do it until you and her are on at least speaking terms and she goes through you and hubby first before inviting your dd anywhere.

 

[Hedy]

I'd be concerned about your Dsis using this trip to manipulate your DD, but I'm cynical.

 

[Beth76]

If you let her go it sends the signal that its ok to not talk to you and create more situations for your daughter to be used as a pawn.

ITA. The fact that your sister couldn't even suck it up to call you and ask you tells me that these are not good intentions. Seriously, who lets two 10yo girls hash out travel plans? I'm guessing she thinks you'll not let your daughter go and then you're the "bad guy". So no, I wouldn't let my daughter go, but I would consider flying her down to see grandpa for a few days while they are there.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I just re-read your original post and you havent' spoken to her in a few years? Oh no, my dd would not be going at all. You have no idea what she is like as people do change. I also do not think it's alright for someone to treat me like a non person and then think they are going to talk to my kids. Just a little backround here...my aunt wanted me to come live with her while I went to college (there was no way I'd do that) fast foward a year later and she called CPS on my Mom and made up a bunch of stories (so outrageous your head would spin ) because she hates my Mom. People are strange! Just because you are family doesn't mean you all have to get along. My Uncle used to tell us- "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family". Would you let your dd go away with a friend that you grew up with and are now not talking to? I feel it's very similar. If your dd wants to visit her grandparents then plan a trip with your own family. I'm sorry but she is 9 and sometimes things don't always make sense but that's just the way it. JMHO.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Would you let your 10yr old go away for 2 weeks with a relative you don't have the best relationship with?

NO, I would not let my 10 year go away with anyone for that length of time. (especially with somebody that I was not on good terms with)

If I would not be welcome to take the vacation, then my 10 year old would not go.

It is possible for your DD to see and spend time with her cousin without sending her away for two weeks.

 

[MareQ]

I say let her go.

Years ago my mother and one of her sister's had a falling out and didn't speak for 10 years.

My siblings and I - and my cousins felt like WE were being "punished" for their fight. My mom was my cousin's "favorite" aunt and their mother was our favorite. We were VERY close to our cousins too and all of a sudden - WHAM - we see NONE of them at all.

I missed my Aunt and cousins terribly - same for them. My AUnt went through a rough patch in her life - and all of a sudden the fight is over - but then my mom got sick with Cancer and died... Life's too short to play games with each other.

Let her go - let her get to know your sister and have this special time. You don't have to patch things up - but don't "punish" the kids. When they come back - make a point of inviting HER kids to do something so they can be with you as well.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

I think this is a good opportunity to try and patch things up with your sister. After all, at one time you were very close and I'm sure you both still love each other, no matter how angry each of you may be. It may be extremely difficult and way out of your comfort zone, but maybe you can extend the olive branch? I think it's wonderful that your dd and her cousin are friends, and maybe they're that alone is all the reason in the world to try and mend fences. I wouldn't send your dd on the trip until you have some peace with your sister. Good luck and let us know how it goes!!

 

[shirleyb]

I say let her go.

Years ago my mother and one of her sister's had a falling out and didn't speak for 10 years.

My siblings and I - and my cousins felt like WE were being "punished" for their fight. My mom was my cousin's "favorite" aunt and their mother was our favorite. We were VERY close to our cousins too and all of a sudden - WHAM - we see NONE of them at all.

I missed my Aunt and cousins terribly - same for them. My AUnt went through a rough patch in her life - and all of a sudden the fight is over - but then my mom got sick with Cancer and died... Life's too short to play games with each other.

Let her go - let her get to know your sister and have this special time. You don't have to patch things up - but don't "punish" the kids. When they come back - make a point of inviting HER kids to do something so they can be with you as well.

Good points, MareQ. When I was a teenager, my mom had a falling out with her family because she got divorced. They didn't believe in that, so for 7 years, we didn't see my grandfather, aunts, uncles and cousins. I feel like we all missed out.