Looking for opinions

[Wishing on a star]

Again, it is possible for these two girls to spend time with each other without sending a 10 year old away for two weeks.

That is not acceptable.
My 9 year old would go nowhere without me for that length of time.

It should not be an either-or situation. I see that as a huge problem.

Has your sister even spoken with you about this???

To have somebody dangle this in front of my child without running it by me first is a huge no-no. Not appropriate at all.

If your sister has good intentions, then she can find a way to have these girls spend time with each other before springing something like this.

I would also be VERY sensitive to the fact that your child could be stuck in a situation where her mother is being bad-mouthed and every little difference that you have in the way that you are raising your families could be hashed out and basicly dumped on your kids shoulders. Their thoughts and opinions can be easily swayed.

No way would I even risk that.

If somebody seriously can not even speak with me, then no way are they gonna have that kind of access to my child.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Good points, MareQ. When I was a teenager, my mom had a falling out with her family because she got divorced. They didn't believe in that, so for 7 years, we didn't see my grandfather, aunts, uncles and cousins. I feel like we all missed out.

See I don't get this. What did you miss out on? People who look down on you? They all disowned your Mom because she got divorced? They were not living her life. They should have been supportive of her decision no matter what their personal opinions were. I personally would want nothing to do with people like that. I am not trying to single you out or attack you but this was a perfect example.

Wishing on a Star-
I 110% agree with you.

 

[shirleyb]

See I don't get this. What did you miss out on? People who look down on you? They all disowned your Mom because she got divorced? They were not living her life. They should have been supportive of her decision no matter what their personal opinions were. I personally would want nothing to do with people like that. I am not trying to single you out or attack you but this was a perfect example.

Wishing on a Star-
I 110% agree with you.

I basically missed out on time with my cousins, who had nothing to do with this, and agree with him or not, my grandfather. He was born in 1899, so came from a different world, where divorce was a taboo. He was the only grandparent I had left since the rest died young, and I missed out on that relationship. I don't condone the way my mom was treated, I'm saying families should not go for years without speaking. Life's too short.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Shirleyb,
I do understand your feelings of wishing that things were not the way they were.

However, that is NOT a reason for the OP to send her child away for two full weeks with this person who refuses to even acknowledge her.

There is NOTHING appropriate at all about what is going on and how it is being handled.

 

[CharmCityGirl]

I think I would say no. Two weeks seems like an awfully long time to be away on vacation with an aunt and uncle who I'm assuming she doesn't have a very close relationship with if you haven't talked to your sister in several years. There just seems like there would be a lot of chances for an uncomfortable situation to arise for your daughter.

 

[MareQ]

Shirleyb,
I do understand your feelings of wishing that things were not the way they were.

However, that is NOT a reason for the OP to send her child away for two full weeks with this person who refuses to even acknowledge her.

There is NOTHING appropriate at all about what is going on and how it is being handled.

I think the sister could have handled this better - but my opinion after having been through this myself - is that I think punishing a child because you don't speak to your sister is far too extreme.

Just because they don't speak doesn't mean the sister is a bad person and it doesn't mean she will be evil to her niece or bad talk the child's mother in front of her.

Life's too short to play these games. Her beef is between her sister and herself - the kids should be left out of it and it sounds like thus far - they have not. This could very well be the beginning of the end of this nonsense.

 

[mytwotinks]

Again, it is possible for these two girls to spend time with each other without sending a 10 year old away for two weeks.

That is not acceptable.
My 9 year old would go nowhere without me for that length of time.
It should not be an either-or situation. I see that as a huge problem.

Has your sister even spoken with you about this???

To have somebody dangle this in front of my child without running it by me first is a huge no-no. Not appropriate at all.

If your sister has good intentions, then she can find a way to have these girls spend time with each other before springing something like this.

I would also be VERY sensitive to the fact that your child could be stuck in a situation where her mother is being bad-mouthed and every little difference that you have in the way that you are raising your families could be hashed out and basicly dumped on your kids shoulders. Their thoughts and opinions can be easily swayed.

No way would I even risk that.

If somebody seriously can not even speak with me, then no way are they gonna have that kind of access to my child.

Can I ask why? I can see how someone in the op's position might question it, but to say that you would never ever let your dd9 go somewhere without you. I think to go away from mom and dad with a relative that loves you and will watch out for you is a great way to get a little independence. I am sure that they could speak on the phone every day.

 

[ndelaware]

Would you let your 10yr old go away for 2 weeks with a relative you don't have the best relationship with?

No

 

[UrsulasShadow]

I'd never have let my children go away for 2 weeks with a relative I couldn't even TALK to! That puts the kids in a very tricky spot between 2 supposed adults. My kids are very loyal to their parents, and to be in a situation in which the responsible adult may possibly hold a grudge towards the parents would be uncomfortable at best, damaging at worst.

Try working it out with sister first. Discuss concerns. Work out details. Then make your decision based on these negotiations.

If your sister has good intentions, then she can find a way to have these girls spend time with each other before springing something like this.

This makes sense.

(Man, I'm glad I don't have sisters.)

 

[Disney Doll]

I agree. I listen to the females in my life...co-workers, friends, my SILs...and all they all do is catfight with each other.

My brother & I get along fine and life is easy.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think the sister could have handled this better - but my opinion after having been through this myself - is that I think punishing a child because you don't speak to your sister is far too extreme.

Just because they don't speak doesn't mean the sister is a bad person and it doesn't mean she will be evil to her niece or bad talk the child's mother in front of her.

Life's too short to play these games. Her beef is between her sister and herself - the kids should be left out of it and it sounds like thus far - they have not. This could very well be the beginning of the end of this nonsense.

I just find it wrong that they don't speak for a few years and now she wants to take the kid on vacation? I find that strange. I also agree that life is too short but that doesn't mean because you were born into something you have to put up with all they dish out. I also would not let my kids go away for that long with another relative. JMHO.

 

[irish dancer]

Sorry to be away for so long. Got tied up with school pick-ups, etc and then I had to work and when I got home the boards were down . Wow, I can't believe I've gotten so many responses. Thank you everyone for your comments.

There are really two things that bother me the most about this whole thing.

First, that my sister did not call and ask me but had my niece ask my dd directly. I would NEVER have my dd call someone to make plans like this. I let her call friends to see if they can play but not something this big. Now my dd knows all about this and if I say no she'll be very unahppy with me not to mention I'll be the big mean aunt in my niece's eyes. To those that think this might be her way to try and patch things up, if that were the case she would have called me not my niece calling my dd. Believe me, I've tried to patch things up and have been rebuffed every time.

The second is that it is for two full weeks. My dd could probably handle it, she's been to sleep away camp and stayed with dh's parents but each of those times were for a week or less. I think I'd have a harder time with her away that long but I'm also afraid that after a week or so the novelty would wear off and that she'd want to come home.

I did pose a hypothetical situation to my dd tonight, a girl in her dance class is flying by herself to Florida to visit her grandparents and attend a dance competition so I asked dd if she'd ever fly by herself to Florida to visit her grandpa. I thought she'd say no way but she said maybe that she'd think about it. My thought is to have her fly down and meet them there. This would allow her to have some time with them but she wouldn't miss school and it wouldn't be for two weeks.

You gotta love familes - never a dull moment

Thanks again for all your responses!

 

[2BigKIdz]

My best friend does not speak with one of her sisters. My best friend has a 14 year old son and the sister has a 16 year old son. The boys are best of friends and the sisters maintain great relationships with their nephews while managing not to speak a word to each other. My best friend brings her nephew with us on vacation every year, he is accepted as part of our extended family. So it is possible to separate feelings and treat the children fine.

 

[Wishing on a star]

is that I think punishing a child because you don't speak to your sister is far too extreme.

Sorry MareQ, but I continue to disagree.

Just how is the OP 'punishing' her child????
IMHO your use of the word 'punishment' here is what is a bit extreme.
In NO way is not immediately letting this child do whatever is dangled in front of them considered a 'punishment'.

AGAIN, for the third time... Nobody has said that these two girls can not see each other. AGAIN, there are many ways for these two girls to spend time together without the OP having to send her child off on a very innapropriate two week trip.

You know what... I was raised in a different state than all of my cousins... I do not have a real relationship with my cousins... Do I accuse my mother of 'punishing me'??? Do I feel deprived of my rights. Of course not. The very thought is ridiculous. Perhaps you are looking at this issue thru the clouds of your own personal emotional experience.

 

[MareQ]

Sorry MareQ, but I continue to disagree.

Just how is the OP 'punishing' her child????
IMHO your use of the word 'punishment' here is what is a bit extreme.
In NO way is not immediately letting this child do whatever is dangled in front of them considered a 'punishment'.

AGAIN, for the third time... Nobody has said that these two girls can not see each other. AGAIN, there are many ways for these two girls to spend time together without the OP having to send her child off on a very innapropriate two week trip.

You know what... I was raised in a different state than all of my cousins... I do not have a real relationship with my cousins... Do I accuse my mother of 'punishing me'??? Do I feel deprived of my rights. Of course not. The very thought is ridiculous. Perhaps you are looking at this issue thru the clouds of your own personal emotional experience.

Sorry - my apologies for offending you. I was under the impression that it was ok to give opinions here. I wasn't aware that your opinion was the only one allowed Carry on....