Longest night of my life -- and it's FINALLY over. UPDATE pg. 111

[Martha7]

Marseeya~ Parenting teenage boys is not for the squeamish! We have two ourselves, and it's the hardest thing we've ever done! I think that if your DS stays grounded for a while, this GF will most likely lose interest and move on to someone else. I always find that my Ds's "friends" are hanging around for rides, free food or whatever he can do for them. Once he can't offer those things anymore, they disappear pretty quickly. I know your Ds isn't driving yet, since he's 15, so this might be advice for the future. Sounds like the GF's Mom is one of those nightmare parents who make it harder for everyone else! She most likely won't step in and help you keep him out of her house either, since she's so busy being the "cool" parent to all of the kids.

 

[Pooh93]

I'm glad he made it home safely and you were able to keep a cool head. Just remember to STAND YOUR GROUND and don't give in if he becomes the angelic child for a couple of weeks. If you start to waver, remember how upset you were the last couple days!!! There are certain things and times with kids that you have to draw that line in the sand and not cross it. I'd keep him very busy around the house!! I agree the girlfriend will probably grow bored and move onto someone else if he's not available. As far as my thoughts on that mother.....I don't have enough time to go into that tirade!!

Good luck and hopefully you'll all look back on this in a few years and chuckle!

 

[chris1gill]

He just turned 15, and I'm not standing between him and sex, I'm standing between him and staying out all night partying and spending the night with a 17 year old girl.

However, when he turns 17, I'm still not allowing him to spend the night at a girlfriend's house! It's just not going to happen.

He just turned 15?? OMG, am I in for it We have a DS 11... if he ever stayed out all night long without even telling us where he was, I think I might actually strangle him... Boy, I think you have handled it much better than I could have... Not to mention he was drinking? He's just turned fifteen OP, they just grow up too fast, my heart goes out to you....

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I am so glad your son is home safe. It sounds like you've done an incredible job remaining as calm as you have.
Please take my next 2 cents for what its worth, just 2 cents. I would file civil charges. I can't imagine they will put your son in juvie. I good stint explaining himself before the judge and some community service might show him that his actions do indeed have real consequences, and that mom and dad are not overreacting. The GF's mom will take the brunt of the punishment.
Just something to think about. And just to note - I only have a 6 y.o. so I'm definitely not in your shoes - so take the advice with that in mind.

Good Luck with everything and I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope everything gets easier.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

This is going to be as hard on you as it is on him. When John was going through this stuff we had to do the same thing. Someone suggested that we take his door off the hinges so he had no way to close himself off. We thought that was a great idea, except DS lives in teh basement--he's already separated from us. Solution--we banned him from his room altogether. He had to share a room with his autistic little brother. Not fun, let me tell you. In order to earn his room back he had to tow the line for 2 wks. He pleaded and begged and tested us, therefore earning another 2wks with no access to his room. We had a homework component, a behavior component and an attitude component, as well. We made a written contract detailing his responsibilites and ours which we all had to sign.

Do you secretly talk to my mom? Because that is exactly what she would have done. My mom would have told me "You want to be secretive? Oh no, there are NO secrets in this house. See how secretive you can be now!!" The door would have been off the hinges. The only room where you would have been allowed a closed door would have been the bathroom. She also would have taken away my tv and computer. The only way to watch tv would have been with her. And she would have chosen the most embarrassing show possible. How do I know all this? My brother was about one word away from that punishment. He didn't do the staying out all night junk, he did the talking back junk.

Marseeya, I am glad that he came home safe. I'm sorry that he is being difficult. You handled yourself really well though. Hopefully you got some rest. Also, hopefully a miracle happened and your DS starts seeing clearly.

 

[NMAmy]

Oh, Marseeya, I'm so glad he's home. I've been thinking of you. Raising teenagers is not for the faint of heart--I kind of wish we could just stick them in a box until they turn 18 or 19 and are normal again. Be strong--I think this kind of grounding is just as bad for the parents as it is for the kids.

 

[chris1gill]

I am so glad your son is home safe. It sounds like you've done an incredible job remaining as calm as you have.
Please take my next 2 cents for what its worth, just 2 cents. I would file civil charges. I can't imagine they will put your son in juvie. I good stint explaining himself before the judge and some community service might show him that his actions do indeed have real consequences, and that mom and dad are not overreacting. The GF's mom will take the brunt of the punishment.
Just something to think about. And just to note - I only have a 6 y.o. so I'm definitely not in your shoes - so take the advice with that in mind.

Good Luck with everything and I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope everything gets easier.

You know Eeyore'sthebest, I was thinking about this myself.... Law enforcement takes parents like this woman very seriously, they DO get jail time for having and allowing these types of teenage parties... Personally, I would have absolutely no issue reporting this woman for what she's done. What kind of way is this to bring up a teenager? I just cannot fathom it.

 

[bigmerle1966]

Someone I know actually did take her daughters bedroom door off the hinges as a punishment for something similar. She would have taken the bathroom door off too but she has a son and didn't think it would be a good idea. If I were you I would take the door off the bedroom at least.

 

[Marseeya]

He lost the latch to his door a long time ago. The only reason I won't take it entirely off the hinge is so he can keep the animals out of his room.

A couple of the security officers in DH's company are former policemen. He was talking to them about all this and they recommended a residential treatment type place where the kid goes for 6-9 months -- it's for drug/alcohol treatment, as well as for a kid whose behavior is out of control. When they first go, they are fully restricted from all outside sources, then slowly earn their way back into some privileges. Our biggest issue here is money. Our credit isn't the greatest, so we can't just walk into a bank and get a loan. We could get one from DH's credit union, but probably not enough to cover the entire cost. Another option for us is to dip into the 401K. I would never dream of touching that money, so this has to be something we're 100% certain of.

Anyway, nothing's settled by any means, we're just tossing around ideas to see if anything fits.

 

[LukenDC]

If it was my son though, I wouldn't want for him to see this girl... .

The girlfriend sounds like a hussy. And the mother is beyond persmissive.

 

[LukenDC]

A couple of the security officers in DH's company are former policemen. He was talking to them about all this and they recommended a residential treatment type place where the kid goes for 6-9 months -- it's for drug/alcohol treatment, as well as for a kid whose behavior is out of control. When they first go, they are fully restricted from all outside sources, then slowly earn their way back into some privileges. Our biggest issue here is money.

Please be VERY selective if you opt to go the residential treatment route. Teens in residential facilities are often physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. I am especially appalled at the parents who send their teens to residential treatment programs in Third World countries. Teenagers who are out of control need help, but shirking one's parental responsibilities is not the way to do it.

 

[Marseeya]

The girlfriend sounds like a hussy. And the mother is beyond persmissive.

I'm trying not to judge the girl because she's just a product of her environment. I don't know much about the mother, but she has three kids. The oldest is in his mid-late 30s (a partier, and from what I've been seeing online, he's dating one of these high school girls!!!! I really hope I'm wrong about this!), the middle is in her mid-20s, and then the youngest is 17. Quite a range of ages, isn't it? The mother is 53. The GF has a job and is an honor student, so she's obviously bright and cares about academics. When DH spoke to the mother a second time, he brought up his anger at calling them in the middle of the night and the girls lying to him and putting us through hell for all that time. The mother just shrugged it off and said, "Oh, don't be mad at them, they were just trying to protect their friend. Kids will be kids." Yes, and idiots will be idiots too. (well, the language DH used wasn't exactly DIS friendly, but you get the gist)

I think I'd be doing more harm than good by forbidding this relationship. What I am going to try to do is make it more appropriate. When DS gets any freedom back, they can be together when they're supervised by me and they'll BOTH have to earn my trust before they get any alone time. I am so hoping that she'll get bored with all these restrictions and will move on to someone else. And if she can settle down and live with the restrictions, well then maybe she has more character than I think.

Oh, and some people have been asking about the person who DH called the night before. DS hasn't given us a straight story yet, but we gather that it was an older boy they convinced to let us call.

 

[Nancy]

I am sorry you are going through this with your son. Have you thought of counseling? I put my oldest DD into counseling because she just wouldn't interact with anyone in the family. Counseling was covered 80% by our health insurance. She was 16 when we started and now is almost 18. Every day I see her changing and becoming more like the old Mandy that I remember. We stopped counseling because she felt she didn't need to go anymore. She actually talks to me again!