long wedding vent- I give up- AM I bridezilla?

[ZephyrHawk]

It's quite simple, if your moms want a big wedding, they need to pay for it. If they aren't footing the bill they get zero say.

The next time they mention anything you don't want just say, "Sounds great, and will you be paying me in cash or check for that?"

Oh, and if they say again that you're making them look cheap just give them a look and say, "Right, cause you're paying what for this?"

 

[BellaBear]

My mother is going to ruin my wedding. I think they only way to avoid it is to elope. I am so frustrated. You know that person in all families that causes all kinds of drama at holidays and family functions? In our family it is my mom. What is it about weddings that makes people nuts?

When we got engaged, my mom seemed happy for us, and within a week she had called me to give me the country club we were going to be married at, how much it was going to cost, and all the vendors she thought were best. She also had a list of people to invite, most of her and my dads work friends, people my finace and I had NEVER met. It was obvious she had dreamed up this big wedding in her head. Now since we are paying for our own wedding, I explained that not only could we not afford that wedding she planned, but it was also not what we wanted at all.We are private people, and we are not fancy people at all. It turned into a big family fight and we decided to put off the wedding for a while and deal with it later. Somehow Dfinaces mom got on board with my moms idea for this crazy wedding we can't afford. My DF parents think her idea will be "nice" and we should give her what she wants.


SO anyway, since we have been engaged we have tried planning everything from a small Disney Escape wedding (which we love) , to a small destination wedding, to a backyard BBQ, to a VFW hall, to a Casino reception in Ct at a beautiful place and we have gotten nothing but stress drama from our moms. They hate everything! They said if it is just immediate family then what is the point. the point is to get married HELLO!!! I really feel like at this point we have done EVERYTHING we can to try to compromise with the moms, but they are just unwilling to try.

What WE want for our wedding is something small with immediate family only, we are ok with doing it at home, we would prefer to do it on a beach. My mom thinks we are going to make "her" look cheap, and both moms are insisting that they invite all of their friends. It has become clear to us that they will not be happy with anything other than what THEY want, and there is no pleasing anyone. We cant even talk to my mom without world war three and just the word wedding seems to make my mother go crazy. My dad is also having a lot of added stress from this, as he is getting pressure from my mom to run up debt they can't afford, which is making him feel guilty. I keep trying to tell him we do not WANT that big expensive party.

What it has come down to is, go along with what our moms want and end up in a huge amount of debt we cannot afford right now in order to hold a party for people we do not even know. This is ridiculous of course, so our other option is to elope. This is what we are going to do.


Anyway, I am just venting because I know our elopement will be beautiful and drama free, and we will be able to focus on the marriage which is the important part. I just know that not having my dad walk down the aisle is going to break my heart. And Im sad that I can't have a mom who wants to help me shop for a dress, most moms are into that. ANywho........just needed to get it all out.....

I could have written this post word for word twelve years ago. We ended up letting my mom have her way and to this day, the only thing I regret in my life is NOT eloping.

 

[becjlek]

Tell the moms they were out voted because we all told you to have the wedding YOU want of elope.

 

[okeydokey]

I say elope and then tell your Mom is she wishes to pay for a big party/reception when you get back to go for it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The OP has stated that her mother does NOT have the money to pay for all of this, and is suggesting that they (her father) go into debt.

So, the OP is not comfortable with this whole thing, even if they DO pay.


OP: Take everyone's advice....
Cut the apron strings....
Plan the wedding, and start your independent adult life with your husband.

People who are like your mother are demanding and emotionally manipulative... If everyone doesn't give them their way, they are just so angry and mortally wounded.... This is called "Falling on Knives".... Learn that you have NO responsibility for this.... These people fall on knives on their own premeditated choice. You are not responsible... You are not the one who put the knives there.

This will be the most freeing enlightenment that you will ever come too.

Plan YOUR WONDERFUL wedding....
And, we are all expecting you to post some pics!!!!!

 

[KSchwagg86]

They said if it is just immediate family then what is the point. the point is to get married HELLO!!! .

your view is SPOT ON here...their attitude is why so many women are depressed after the wedding is over--they were focusing on that more than the wedding--good for you! I think you need to do what you want and just not involve them in the planning...

 

[dakcp2001]

Wow you guys are making me feel so much better. Thank you so much for your support. I was laughing out loud for real at some of the advice. I needed that!


You know its not even about standing up to my mom and cutting the apron strings, I did that when I was 18 and moved away from her. She has always been full of drama, she actually didnt speak to me for an entire year because I chose to do the Disney College Program against her wishes. I really have never had a problem standing up to her, and I HAD been doing fine until my fiances mother jumped on board. They sort of teamed up against me and it got out of control. Because I was trying to make nice with my future in laws, I really wanted to try to compromise and make this work.

They ahve now become just a guest, if even that. I love the idea of planning it all and just sending an invite. My mom is going to FREAK out when she gets it, so Ill have to apologize to my dad in advance. lol.


We are thinking on a beach somewhere, and we are still trying to decide if we will even invite them. Having them invited will bring on more drama, but I REALLY love that advice from "Steve" lol we do need someone to corral the moms there, and possibly one for a sister. lol. I am trying to decide if it is worth the added drama to invite them cuz I REALLY want my dad there. If mom decides not to come, well I think we will all be ok with that.

 

[disneycruising]

I love what my sister and bother inlaw did:

They planned a wedding in Vega's... at Treasure Island. I believe their invitations said some thing about feel free to joining them in Vegas for the weekend. So everyone flew in Friday after work and joined up to gamble. On Saturday, everyone came together for a (planned) brunch. The wedding took place in the afternoon. Then, everyone did dinner afterwards at a really nice place. The rest of the time was yours and theirs do to as you/they wished. It ended up being a nice small wedding ...with every little hassle. Sunday, everyone flew home and the bride and groom headed off to their honeymoon...at Disneyland!

 

[redlight]

No, you are not bridezilla. It's your day.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Speaking as a current mom of a groom...it is YOUR DAY! You and your DF do what you want!! Tell your mom's to stuff it!

Wow..I wish my DS would elope... LOL!! DH and I gave him a list of 6 good friends to invite!! That was it.. my mil had a longer list that was quickly cut down!

Anyway...it is your day, do what is going to make the 2 of you happy, you are the ones that matter.

Best of luck!

 

[Chicago526]

Wow you guys are making me feel so much better. Thank you so much for your support. I was laughing out loud for real at some of the advice. I needed that!


You know its not even about standing up to my mom and cutting the apron strings, I did that when I was 18 and moved away from her. She has always been full of drama, she actually didnt speak to me for an entire year because I chose to do the Disney College Program against her wishes. I really have never had a problem standing up to her, and I HAD been doing fine until my fiances mother jumped on board. They sort of teamed up against me and it got out of control. Because I was trying to make nice with my future in laws, I really wanted to try to compromise and make this work.

They ahve now become just a guest, if even that. I love the idea of planning it all and just sending an invite. My mom is going to FREAK out when she gets it, so Ill have to apologize to my dad in advance. lol.


We are thinking on a beach somewhere, and we are still trying to decide if we will even invite them. Having them invited will bring on more drama, but I REALLY love that advice from "Steve" lol we do need someone to corral the moms there, and possibly one for a sister. lol. I am trying to decide if it is worth the added drama to invite them cuz I REALLY want my dad there. If mom decides not to come, well I think we will all be ok with that.

Good for you! Like I said, maybe you can keep the peace by letting them plan a big fancy bridal shower for you, if you think you can tollerate that sort of thing for an afternoon. They get to do their "thing" but it doesn't impact YOUR wedding day at all.

Good luck, and congratulations!

 

[HM]

When we were planning our wedding about 21 year ago, we also thought about eloping (not for the same reasons as you). We kind of liked the idea of a destination wedding (not done much in those days). What we thought we'd do, is go where we wanted, call our parents and let them know we planned to get married in xx days and that we'd love them to come and be part of our day, if they could fly in. That way, you get the small intimate affair, you get the parents there, and they have no say in what happens. (We didn't end up doing that....but it was one of our plans).

As it stands, if that isn't an option for you, I'd just plan the wedding of YOUR dreams and budget, tell you parents to keep xx date open (ask your Dad to walk you) and send them an invitation when the time comes. If Mom and MIL try to put in their two cents, remind them that you are planning this thing and that they are going to be your guests of honor and therefore will stay out of it (nicely though).

And by the sounds of it....not only can't you afford a big affair, the parents can't either. It might do to remind them that you want to start your marriage off without any debt from the wedding (and that it goes them too).

Good luck!!!!

 

[2binak]

We paid for and planned our own wedding. We told both sides of the family upfront that suggestions were welcomed but it was up to us whether or not we put those suggestions into play and if we did not use their suggestions, they were not to get upset. We planned the wedding we wanted, at the venue we wanted and told our parents that their responsibility was to just sit back and enjoy the day. Throughout our wedding day people were going up to our parents and saying what a beautiful ceremony & reception they had given us and our parents were very proud to tell everyone that they didn't give us anything and that the credit for the day belonged to DH & I.

My older sister on the other hand was the one who wanted to tell me what I should and should not have. She didn't like the flowers I was using, the color scheme, the location - none of it! I told her that she had her wedding years before and if she wanted to have another one, she was more than welcome to renew her vows and plan that day, but that she was not going to have a say in mine. My mother even had to sit down with her (my sis was in her 40's at the time!) and tell her to back off and let me plan my wedding just like she got to plan hers since my sister didn't let my parents pay for her wedding either.

I'm sorry your families are giving you such grief, but honestly, it's your money and your wedding so do what you want with it and enjoy the day that you create!

 

[alexandria674]

Going through the same thing. My mom and my future mother-in-law had tried to invite absolutly (sp)everyone from under the sun. My fiance and I want a small wedding that we are paying for ourselves. After my mother gave me an invitation list that included her hairstylist (whom I don't know and never met) I put my foot down. I told everyone over dinner that this wedding is only for family and a few friends. My fiance and I are paying for it and when my mother said "Bridzilla" I just shrugged and said " I would rather be bridzilla then brokezilla" Now the wedding plans are going off without a hitch and without my fiance and I ending up in debt. Our wedding may not be conventional but it has been our choice.

P.S. Could be worse. A friend of mine told me that her mother tried to invite herself on the honeymoon.

 

[hoosll]

I wanted a small wedding and my mother wanted a big party to pay back all the wedding invites she had ever gotten. My DH and I are from the same town so the number of people who would be available to come was high.

In the end, we had a small ceremony in the backyard with immediate family, wedding party and 10 select friends. Afterwards there was a gigantic reception which my parents threw.

You offer to pay the expenses for the ceremony, dress, bridal party flowers, minister, venue, photographer, etc., and you control THAT guest list, then tell your parents that the reception is on them, they can pay for as many people as they want but must also include everyone on your list. Time the reception for 2-3 hours after the wedding so you have time for pictures and to mingle with YOUR guests.

Then you appear at the wedding reception, parents pick up tab for venue, liquor, food, cake, entertainment. Parents look on weddings as major social occasions, especially if their friends have had major wedding events. My parents were country-club-types, we had at least 5 pre-wedding coctail parties for us .... some folks just really like that stuff; when our DD got married we had less than 10 of our friends there, the kids had over 150 friends, we considered it THEIR wedding. They actually had 2 receptions, a formal reception and then later that night a casual beer and BB-Q at a place called the Shimmy Club.

 

[surfergirl602]

Don't give in to their demands! I did that, and made the biggest mistake of my life doing it! I was young, and my mother in law planned most of my wedding, including what dress I should by and the cake I should order, where to have it... it was horrible, and I didn't enjoy my wedding at all!! Knowing what I do now, if I knew it then, I wouldn't have given in. She would have gotten over it. It just seems like your mom is trying to have you pay for everything, do what she wants, and then take the credit for it!!


Its YOUR wedding. Do what you want and what will make YOU happy. They will get over it!

 

[mousesweetie]

You are NOT a bridezilla. I think you should do what you want and make them suck it up.

 

[N&B'smom]

Continue to stand your ground and remind them that they already had their special day but it's your turn. You plan it however you choose and invite whomever you choose. When you're the one paying you get to do it YOUR way!!!!

 

[DisneyBlonde]

I don't think you're being unreasonable, and you're not a bridezilla. I think your mom is being unreasonable to think you can foot the bill for her enormous party. She is causing undue stress.

Explain to her that she has two choices: she can support you in the small, intimate wedding of your dreams...or she can suffer the embarassment of not being at the wedding at all when you elope.

 

[scottishduffy]

This brings back memories of my wedding. DH and I had just graduated from college and my parents were paying for the wedding, thus I had no say in it all. However, if I could go back and do it again I would forget the wedding and just elope somewhere! My mom turned into a monster when I got engaged. We had been so close before but this was the time she seriously changed. I had no say about anything. No input even on my bouquet, color scheme, decorations, readings at the ceremony.... anything really. They invited tons of people I had never met and couldn't even recognize.

I did choose my dress, but she messed it up during the alteration phase. We chose the cake as well, and that was it. My mother outright told me that the wedding was HER party. That she was still bitter over my grandmother running her wedding and never getting what she wanted... so she did the same to me so she could get the wedding of her dreams. She told me that my job was just to show up and be a pretty centerpiece at HER party. I did not speak to my mother for months after this was all over. She is still somewhat batty but I have distanced myself a bit from her and have had much practice standing up to her by now.

I recommend doing what you want! If you are paying then do it! Giving into the mom's will leave with tons of regret. I wish I had been strong enough to stand up to my Mom then. I hated my wedding, but thankfully I have a wonderful marriage.