Long Story: Need Advice UPDATE POST #46

[DisneyBamaFan]

I don't know for a fact that they are having a sexual relationship. I do know that they are seeing each other; lunches, drinks, etc...

Given their history, this is too much for a spouse to be expected to accept. Their history also makes it difficult to believe that they are not sleeping together. But, even absent that piece, if he knows that his wife would not approve of these "meetings", he is not being faithful...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Jan doesn't know that they've been having lunch, etc. And as far as choosing sides, that's something I never, ever do when my friends split. I don't live in their skins and I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, there's no reason for me to take sides. If the worst (?) happened and Jan and Joe split, and then Jan told me I couldn't be her friend if I was friends with Joe & Abbey. Then that's HER making the choice, not me.

You might find yourself losing all of them. If you say something to Jan now you will lose the cheaters and probably Jan.

If you don't say anything to Jan now and she finds out later you knew then you are going to lose her more than likely.

In essence you have already chosen your side if you want to get technical. You have chosen Abbie and Joe.

ETA.....
I don't know what to tell you to do. As you said this is the worst possible position to be in. I don't know what I would do either. If Jan is a very close friend, I would have to say something to her. Now I would not say they are cheating however you could say hey, I heard so & so were lunching together, or something like that.

However Abbie and Joe will probably squash you for that.

Perhaps you can "hide" for awhile.

 

[mickeyboat]

If my DH was seeing someone else and one of my good friends knew about it and didn't tell me, there would be no hope of continuing that friendship once I found out.

I agree with MM - if you choose not to tell Jan, you are choosing Abbey and Joe.

But cheaters are not people I would choose to associate with. They are purposely choosing to hurt someone who trusts them, and risking the destruction of their children's lives.

 

[Cindyluwho]

In essence you have already chosen your side if you want to get technical. You have chosen Abbie and Joe.

Darn, I suppose you're right. But there's NO way I'm going to say anything to Jan, I just don't feel it's my place.

But back to the original question: Is there any chance he'll stay with Jan? Out of obligation, etc? That is her main fear, will he leave her for Abbie? And I honestly don't know. I've known them all for 30 years and I really believe they each love their spouses but I also know how strong their love for each other was all those years ago. I'm beginning to see it as a "lose - lose" situation for all of them at this point.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Darn, I suppose you're right. But there's NO way I'm going to say anything to Jan, I just don't feel it's my place.

But back to the original question: Is there any chance he'll stay with Jan? Out of obligation, etc? That is her main fear, will he leave her for Abbie? And I honestly don't know. I've known them all for 30 years and I really believe they each love their spouses but I also know how strong their love for each other was all those years ago. I'm beginning to see it as a "lose - lose" situation for all of them at this point.

There is no way to tell that. However, based on the info you are giving they are setting up to ditch their spouses.

It sucks.

 

[mickeyboat]

Darn, I suppose you're right. But there's NO way I'm going to say anything to Jan, I just don't feel it's my place.

But back to the original question: Is there any chance he'll stay with Jan? Out of obligation, etc? That is her main fear, will he leave her for Abbie? And I honestly don't know. I've known them all for 30 years and I really believe they each love their spouses but I also know how strong their love for each other was all those years ago. I'm beginning to see it as a "lose - lose" situation for all of them at this point.

In my completely uneducated opinion, I don't think he will leave Jan for Abbey. He is a cake-eater - having his cake and eating it too. I think once he is made to choose (which he absolutely should be BTW) he will choose to stay with Jan. After all, if he felt he was destined to be with Abbey, he would have divorced Jan already and gone on to live happily ever after with his true love . Part of the romance with Abbey is the idea that it is forbidden and secret - sneaking around and keeping things secret produces a huge adrenalin rush.

Joe is not going to want to throw away his family and his comfortable lifestyle for Abbey, especially since she will be faced with making that exact same choice. What if Joe decides to give up Jan and Abbey decides to stay with her husband? I don't think Joe has the guts to make such a scary decision.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Darn, I suppose you're right. But there's NO way I'm going to say anything to Jan, I just don't feel it's my place.

But back to the original question: Is there any chance he'll stay with Jan? Out of obligation, etc? That is her main fear, will he leave her for Abbie? And I honestly don't know. I've known them all for 30 years and I really believe they each love their spouses but I also know how strong their love for each other was all those years ago. I'm beginning to see it as a "lose - lose" situation for all of them at this point.

I would have to know more to answer that question. If he is a man with integrity, this discussion wouldn't be taking place. Since he has no integrity, how could anybody know?

 

[Tuffcookie]

Mary Jo wrote: I'd seriously rethink my friendship with them.
ITA!

This would be too much drama for me.

TC

 

[wenrob]

The smartest advice would be for you to stay the heck out of it. That said, having been friends with all three for so long I personally would go to Joe, smack him upside the head and tell him to get his "stuff" together. I would drop Abbie like a hot potato as far as friendship goes (and Joe for that matter). Best pal or not that's something that crosses the line for me and I couldn't associate myself with someone who so cavalierly sleeps with another woman's husband. Take into consideration that if she could do this to Jan she could easily do it to you. As for Jan, I think deep down she feels Joe settled. I would encourage her to find the truth for herself.

 

[wenrob]

I don't know for a fact that they are having a sexual relationship. I do know that they are seeing each other; lunches, drinks, etc. I not only do NOT ask about their relationship, I try to steer the conversation away from it as much as possible with all 3 of them. But I do see them in social situations and I am their one friend in common.

Joe has never kept it a secret that he has always been in love with Abbey, he has asked about her repeatedly over the years. Same with Abbey in regards to Joe.
*snip*
The only positive thing I can say at this point is that both Abbey and Joe have been totally commited to their 20 year marriages until they've gotten back together. And they both seem to be 110% happier in the last 6 months since they've been seeing each other. But please don't get the idea that I condone their behavior in any way, I'm just saying that I can see the difference. What a freak show!!!

Affairs of the heart are still affairs and IMHO an emotional affair is WAY worse then a physical one.

 

[Cindyluwho]

Mary Jo wrote: I'd seriously rethink my friendship with them.
ITA!

This would be too much drama for me.

TC

LOL if you'd have said that to me a couple of weeks ago, I would have totally agreed. The whole situation was really weighing heavy on my mind. But since then, I've given it some thought and come to the conclusion that this is their life and their decision. They purposely stayed away from each other for the last 3 decades, even though they had friends (me & others) in common. They've each had typical 20 year marriages, with all the usual ups and downs.

I was at the party last June when they first saw each other again and it was wayyy obvious that there was an attraction there. They barely spoke but you could tell the feelings were HUGE. They both suddenly looked devastated, it was heartbreaking.

As long as I'm not included in their drama; as in not helping cover for them when they go out, etc, then I'm choosing to let the chips fall where they may. I care for all 3 of them and can't imagine what their lives are like right now and I'm in way going to judge them. I can tell you that I'm very glad I'm not in their position, there is no one from my past that I was so in love with that I couldn't get over them.

 

[mtemm]

honestly as her friend, I would gently nudge jan/talk to her about therapy. it could help her a ton right now with her self esteem, and will definitley help her when this all blows up, because one way or another it will.

and yeah, I would guess your friendship with jan is on its last legs. either she finds out you knew what she didn't and she resents you for it, or she resents you for staying friends with the man the wrecked her life and the woman he chose over her.

from what you describe, I don't see this all just dying out before it comes to light. my guess is either the two cheaters leave their spouses, or one of the spouses finds out about it and isn't okay with it and things blow up from there.

just a sad situation all the way around.

 

[Cindyluwho]

And by the way, you guys have given some awesome, well thought out responses!!

 

[krcit]

Darn, I suppose you're right. But there's NO way I'm going to say anything to Jan, I just don't feel it's my place.

But back to the original question: Is there any chance he'll stay with Jan? Out of obligation, etc? That is her main fear, will he leave her for Abbie? And I honestly don't know. I've known them all for 30 years and I really believe they each love their spouses but I also know how strong their love for each other was all those years ago. I'm beginning to see it as a "lose - lose" situation for all of them at this point.

Yikes. I feel for you. Tough spot to be in. Now I will say something that may get me flamed. I would not want my DH to stay with me if he truly loved someone else. I don't deserve that and honestly, I think you only get go around in life and everyone should be happy. Now I don't mean at the sake of everyone else like your kids and your spouse. I am not condoning an affair by any means but noone knows what goes on in other peoples marriages. I don't know if I'm saying this right....just bottom line...I deserve to be with someone who loves me. I would not want to live my life knowing that my DH was pining away for another woman. Jan deserves btter than that.We all do.

 

[johnsontrio]

Yikes. I feel for you. Tough spot to be in. Now I will say something that may get me flamed. I would not want my DH to stay with me if he truly loved someone else. I don't deserve that and honestly, I think you only get go around in life and everyone should be happy. Now I don't mean at the sake of everyone else like your kids and your spouse. I am not condoning an affair by any means but noone knows what goes on in other peoples marriages. I don't know if I'm saying this right....just bottom line...I deserve to be with someone who loves me. I would not want to live my life knowing that my DH was pining away for another woman. Jan deserves btter than that.We all do.

I am not going to flame you because I agree with you 100%. You cannot make someone love you or treat you with the respect that you deserve but you do not have to sit back and accept half measures. Life is too short to be unhappy and in the end you would not want to be married to someone that would rather be somewhere else. Too bad Joe settled for what was, in his mind, second best. His credibility, integrity and character will all be in question if he follows his heart and breaks up his marriage. Sucks for everyone involved.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I am not going to flame you because I agree with you 100%. You cannot make someone love you or treat you with the respect that you deserve but you do not have to sit back and accept half measures. Life is too short to be unhappy and in the end you would not want to be married to someone that would rather be somewhere else. Too bad Joe settled for what was, in his mind, second best. His credibility, integrity and character will all be in question if he follows his heart and breaks up his marriage. Sucks for everyone involved.

Reminds me of the song by Meatloaf - Two out of Three Ain't Bad...

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

You might find yourself losing all of them. If you say something to Jan now you will lose the cheaters and probably Jan.

If you don't say anything to Jan now and she finds out later you knew then you are going to lose her more than likely.

In essence you have already chosen your side if you want to get technical. You have chosen Abbie and Joe.

ETA.....
I don't know what to tell you to do. As you said this is the worst possible position to be in. I don't know what I would do either. If Jan is a very close friend, I would have to say something to her. Now I would not say they are cheating however you could say hey, I heard so & so were lunching together, or something like that.

However Abbie and Joe will probably squash you for that.

Perhaps you can "hide" for awhile.

If my DH was seeing someone else and one of my good friends knew about it and didn't tell me, there would be no hope of continuing that friendship once I found out.

I agree with MM - if you choose not to tell Jan, you are choosing Abbey and Joe.

But cheaters are not people I would choose to associate with. They are purposely choosing to hurt someone who trusts them, and risking the destruction of their children's lives.

I agree.

Also, I'm not telling you you should tell Jan. Your friends Joe & Abbey have put you in a terrible position by making you a partner in their deceit.

I just think that it is such a sad commentary on human character that commitment and integrity don't mean anything for some people. Yes, they may have been in love, and yes, they may still have feelings for one another. However, once they decided to go their separate ways and make lives with other people, their personal intimate relationship should have ended and not been resurrected at the cost of the other people in their lives.

MHO

 

[krcit]

I am not going to flame you because I agree with you 100%. You cannot make someone love you or treat you with the respect that you deserve but you do not have to sit back and accept half measures. Life is too short to be unhappy and in the end you would not want to be married to someone that would rather be somewhere else. Too bad Joe settled for what was, in his mind, second best. His credibility, integrity and character will all be in question if he follows his heart and breaks up his marriage. Sucks for everyone involved.

You said what I meant in a much better way than I was able to! Thanks.

 

[disykat]

I agree with everyone that it has nothing to do with Jan's age. It has everything to do with the fact that Abbey and Joe are acting horribly.

I would reconsider your stance that Jan being dumped is not your fight. While that may technically be true, Jan needs someone in her corner. Joe and Abbey have each other. I'm pretty sure Jan will not consider you much of a friend if you if you act like her pain is her own problem and Joe and Abbey's selfish behavior is not your problem so you can still be friends with them. I wouldn't. I'd like to suggest you consider cooling your friendship with Joe and Abbey and give support to the friend who is almost surely being dumped. It may be more fun to be friends with the people who are happy, but I'm not sure I'd want to be that kind of friend.

 

[Disney Doll]

Regardless of how this shakes out OP, you're going to lose.

You either lose friendship with Joe and Abby because you have to tell Jan that her husband is cheating or you lose friendship with Jan because you knew her husband was cheating and didn't tell her.

I guess your decision becomes who would you prefer to remain friends with?

As far as your original question of do I think Joe will leave? I think that will depend on whay Abby decides. If Abby decides to leave her husband, then Joe will leave because then he'll think he has Abby to run to. If Abby decides not to leave her husband then Joe will stay with Jan...after all, he's already settled for her once.

Poor Jan...she deserves to be loved better...by her husband and her friends....