Long problem with DD's dad....I'm so mad

[wvjules]

Some of you may remember my troubles with my DD's dad from a few years ago. Things have been quiet for 2 years, now this....

Yesterday my grandmother watched my DD. My ex's dad lives 2 roads away. Kendra was playing with her cousins in the alley. Well turns out she went to their house where they called her dad. Mind you, the man hasn't seen her in 2.5 years, hasnt called her since Christmas Day 2002, we don't know where he lives and don't even have his phone number. Of course she talked to him. She also brought his phone number home and called him again last night. The SOB wants to start excercising his visition...AFTER 2.5 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!! There's no way in hell she is going to NC to see him for the first time after such a long time not even talking to him. I told him if he wants to see her, he has to come here a few times before I even consider letting her go down there.

He says he grown up, blah, blah blah and we've been childish. I had to correct him...he's been childish. I've had no way to contact him to even be childish.

DD was defending him left and right last night. She said maybe he didn't have our phone number or didn't know where we lived, we don't answer out of area calls (his number shows up on caller id),etc. We've never moved or ever had our phone number changed! She so wants to believe in him.

I don't want to poison her against him if he truely does want to start a relationship with her again, but I also want her to be prepared for disappointment. She only remembers the good stuff. Not the day long time outs, the whiping with a hickory switch, etc. She says the important thing is that she gets to see her dad again. Which I kind of agree with, but come on....

She wanted to call him again tonight. I didn't let her. I told her that she needed to wait for him to call her. Afterall she did make the first move twice by calling him. She's mad that I didn't let her call, but I'm adamant that its now his move again. If he doesn't call, then she'll know. If he does, then maybe he is serious about it.

Oh, and the worst part...he already mentioned Christmas. According to our 'schedule', he gets her at 2:00 on Christmas day. So much for our christmas since we'd have to leave at 9:30 that morning. I'm so livid/sad/angry/etc. If he doesn't come here to see her before then, he can forget it. He'll have to take me to court for contempt if he want, but I won't budge.

I honestly had no problem with her calling him. I just wish she would have done it from here so I knew what they talked about. I already had to convince her I wasn't lying about some things he told her (such as him calling and me not letting him talk to her, him stopping by here and me not letting him see her, etc.)

Sorry for the long ramble. I'm not sure if I even made sense.

I just needed to vent. Oh and I'm also prepared for those that are going to flame me for keeping her away from him (which is far from the truth) or flame me for whatever reason. I'm a big girl and I can handle it.

 

[disneygals]

 

[ADisneygirl]

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles with your ex. Emotions run high when we are dealing with our children and custody issues. I am sure it infuriates you to think of letting him back into her life after he hurt both of you in the past and has been a no show as of the last two years.

That being said, you must try with all your heart to leave the door open between them. This is the door of opportunity. If your ex fails to enter that door, then it will be his great loss, but remember that it will also be hers. You must be the 'bigger person" for her sake because you love her and want the best for her. Everyone deserves to know and love both their parents. Let them talk on the phone whenever. Don't get hung up on wanting to know everything that is said between them. But I also don't think you should be making any long term plans to allow him to take her to another state over Christmas break. This is all too sudden, since he has been out of the picture for over 2 years, he must make some concessions. Tell him you will take things one day at a time, and that you have already made other plans for Christmas that can not be broken. Time will tell if he is serious about resuming his parental role.

Best wishes.

 

[MB MinnieGirl]

No flames here, just lots of understanding and {{{hugs}}}.

I completely understand your situation. My DD4 has a jerk for a father as well. And that is putting it mildly. From your post - they could be brothers, or at least best friends.

You may get flamed for not letting her call him, but I agree with your decision. I also think that you are trying to prevent her from being hurt further down the road with him. This is something she can't see and as the mom, we sometimes have to take the brunt end of things. She may be mad at you now, but if it prevents her from being hurt further by her "father" then that's what you have to do. You know your situation best.

I have always been a single mom. My ex had his FIRST opportunity (he took me to court) to have Maddie on a holiday last Thanksgiving. I had her dressed and ready to go (although she was in tears not wanting to leave) at 10am just as the agreement stated on Thanksgiving day. He NEVER - repeat - NEVER showed up! Try explaining that to a 3 year old. His excuse 3 days later - he was with HIS family. My point is that the majority of his time is spent trying to get back at me, not to better a realationship with his DD. Which is SICK. I would bet that your ex's mind works the same way. Otherwise where has be been for over 2 years?

It is so sad for the kids. If your ex truly was wanting a relationship with his DD then NOTHING would have stopped him. Not phone numbers, lost address, nothing. He would not have missed 2 1/2 years. Period.

Since your DD is not used to being with him now. Especially in an overnight situation or out of state for the holiday's, can't you call your attorney and see if anything can be done? That would be my first move. I would do this now and not wait for him to call, or for your DD to call him again the first chance she gets. We know how sneaky they can be when mom tells them no.

If you haven't heard from his in over 2 years has he been paying support? If not then can't you bring him up on contempt charges?

I'm sorry this is so long. But your story touched me, and angered me for your daugher also. Please keep us posted. And if you do get flamed - who cares. You know what is best for your DD and that is all that matters. God bless and good luck

 

[littleclover]

Only you know what is best for your daughter. You know the dad deep down, she does not. Single mom here for 10.5 years and will always stick by my decision. I know how much better off we are. While I do understand my son needs a father, he needs a stable loving home more!

 

[Disney Princess 6]

This sounds like a total mess. I feel for you. If I were you, I know I'd feel the exact same way. I think you're being fair. Why should he get to waltz in any old time he wants?? That's not right. I hope this all gets sorted out.

Good luck.

 

[disykat]

You are absolutely right. HE needs to call and HE needs to come to visit her. You need to be able to establish whether he is serious about persuing a relationship with her - especially since he wasn't the one who initiated contact + he is lying to her already about his efforts to see her.

Hopefully he'll step up to the plate.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Wow, i am getting MAJOR flashbacks!!!!

My father left when I was 4, didn't see him again till I was 8, and then again when I was 12!

I so remember the WANTING to see my dad! I made up stories to tell my friends about the great man my father was.

Then when I was 16 (see a trend?) I saw him AGAIN and if was MY fault that he didn't see me when I was a kid because I didn't make an ATTEMPT to call him!

I eventually learned he was a major a** and well, now I don't have a father! (he lives about 3 blocks away from me)

Your DD will eventually see her father for what he REALLY is! But might not be till she is an adult and can see eyes other than a childs.

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

No flames here. Any one of us can experience what you are experiencing. I count my lucky stars every day that my DH and I are doing fine. I can't imagine the torment you must be going through.

 

[Winka]

I think your instincts and your heart are in the right place. Please wait for him to call and by all means, those first few visitations should be in YOUR neighborhood for her own safety. Have him come to you two. I wonder if there's a third party advocate you could appeal to?

Anyway, best of luck to you both.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

I am sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't let her alone with him because of the past abuse.

You might want to be carefull about not letting your DD call/see him because she could resent you for it. She also might blame you for everything her dad has done to her. I have seen this happen so many times.

I know this might be very difficult for you, but have you ever thought about inviting the ex to spend Christmas with you and your family. Then you can see how he acts/behaves with your DD.

 

[FroggyinArk]

please call an attorney, i know in arkansas any length oif time longer than 365 days is considered abandonment and they lose all parental rights after that, except for past due child support... dd's sperm doner didfnt see her for over three yeras,, that we knew of,, when i tryed to adopt we found out the one of dw's so called freinds had been inviting him to her house when ever dd was there to see freinds daughter, he used that to say we had been hiding her from him, he also told the court that we had refused to let him take her for his visitation, which we had done,, because he showed up in a stolen car drunk enough he couldnt stand up. he was politely asked to leave.. by my doberman that dog hated drunks..lol.. anyway it took us another 2 years before we managed to get my adoption papers, after his year with out seeing her we couldnt find him to notify him of the court action,, eventyually found him in jail in louisianna for dui and had him served ,, and he was still in jail day of court and didnt appear,, dd is now legally m ine, and he has made no attemp to see her, sdend her any of the 19000 he owes her in child support, or anything, we dont know if hes alive or dead.

 

[mountaineer]

This is a really tough situation to be in. I didn't see my father (not dad to me) but once after I was about 9. I happened to see him at 14, just by accident. I haven't seen him since and it's been 20 years. My mother never talked bad about him in front of me. I don't know how she did it but I have great respect for her for that. My father wasn't a great person and now I'm thankful he wasn't an influence in my life. I had other male influences that were better, my grandfathers.