Life is expensive

[bettyann29]

I have a friend who's getting married next weekend - HUGE wedding (almost 200 people!) at a posh place. They're paying for it themselves (they're young - 25- and without money!). His fiance told someone that she heard the average wedding gift is $1000!! Based on that figure, they're "hoping to break even" on the wedding!

I got them some lovely silocone bakeware...

Id love to be a fly on the wall when she opens up all the gifts and finds how much she actually recvd..

 

[gilby]

I give what we can afford. It doesn't matter the amount you give it is the thought and you took the time to help them celebrate. If they can't understand that then they have the problem. Give what you feel and not what you think people will think of you.

 

[MiniGirl]

I have a friend who's getting married next weekend - HUGE wedding (almost 200 people!) at a posh place. They're paying for it themselves (they're young - 25- and without money!). His fiance told someone that she heard the average wedding gift is $1000!! Based on that figure, they're "hoping to break even" on the wedding!

I got them some lovely silocone bakeware...

Last wedding I went to the couple received a nice big wooden cutting board that was on their register, and I wrapped it in dish towels -- also from their registry. Definitely less than $1000.


I have to ask though.... 200 people at $1000 per person and hoping to break even. Is this a $200,000 wedding.

 

[kid-at-heart]

I like to give gifts. I have a "gift box" where I place items found on sale and then pull out gifts when needed (esp baby gifts, so much fun to buy).

However, what has become popular among my daughter's friends is, when having a BD party, you either bring a homemade gift or the BD child chooses a charity they wish to donate money to; then at the party a "decorated" box is placed on a “decorated” table (it is the BD child's responsibility to decorate the box and the table). The attending children anonymously place their “gift” in the box. The BD child is then responsible for donating the money. In the case of one child, who had chosen the local humane society, children brought money and pet treats. That party was a big hit for all (except for maybe the parents, they ended up bringing home a couple of cats from the H.S. (not planned) . The BD child then sends everyone who attended the party a thank you card "for attending the party", not for the gift given. The entire process is geared so children do not know how much $ each donates (or even if they did or did not donate) thus the amount given does not become a competition among parents.

 

[Pumbaa_]

$1000 wedding gift. Now that is one of the funniest things Ihave heard. Wow, that is going to be one unhappy newlywed!

I am re-evaluating the whole gift giving thing. I love to find the right gift. I spend time in shopping and am happy with what I give.

What I am starting to have trouble with is the people we have exchanged gifts with for years, but have drifted apart. We have this one set of 'friends' who I have bought gifts for the past 2 Christmas' but have not seen them! My DH sees his friend semi often, but we have not been able to get together. They are uber busy with blended families. I had their xmas gifts in my spare room through Jan this year. Next year, I am giving small gift cards to the kids in their xmas cards. The year after, if we don't see them during the year, no more gifties.

I only attend weddings of people and family I see. If I haven't seen you in more than a year, not going to your shower or wedding. Sorry, not gonna happen.

For immediate family, I tend to overdue. Not this year. We are doing a family trip to Disney in Sept for my parents 45th anniversary. As a gift to everyone I am paying for an Illuminations cruise. That will be their xmas present. At xmas, I plan on having a group shot from the cruise blown up and framed for everyone. A gift we can all enjoy the memory of.

I would also LOVE the recipes for the pretzels and marshmallows. I would like to have those for the work gifts for the few that exchange token gifts.
Thanks!

 

[lillygator]

I agree, gift giving has gotten way out of hand in our family. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get everyone on the same page? (the rest of the family)

 

[RichNKatHolly]

I agree, gift giving has gotten way out of hand in our family. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get everyone on the same page? (the rest of the family)

Is it possible that other people in your family may be feeling the pinch as well? In our family we would get together at Thanksgiving and draw names for a grab-bag type Christmas present. This way the older than 13 set would each receive one gift at a set min/max amount.

That can also be a good time to say "Hey, this will work out nice, how can we calm things down for the other events in our family?"

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Okay, I'll put my flame suit on, but I'll tell you my opinion-

Giving whatever you can afford is fine (discount/outlet/small/whatever).

Opting out of gifts, informing others beforehand is fine.

Not saying anything, just showing up, eating a meal, and not giving *anything* is rude, IMO. It would hurt my feelings if someone did that to me.

 

[MrsPete]

I feel your pain but we have opted out of the gift giving cycle. It is crazy and never ending!

We've also opted out of the never-ending cycle. We do not "gift" with friends at Christmas -- immediate family only. We don't do Secret Santas, etc. The only "obligation" gift I give at Christmas is to the custodian who cleans my classroom every afternoon for very little pay.

We've "opted out" of things in other areas of our lives too -- for example, vacation souveniers -- and we don't miss them a bit. Our society has become obsessed with buying, buying, buying. We're just saying no at our house.

However, if someone's in need, we'll be the first ones to pitch in and help. And we're likely to bring little "saw it and thought of you" surprises at unexpected times.

 

[MrsPete]

First, I have perfected making chocolate covered pretzels. I can make a incredible basket with over 50 rods in assorted chocolates and toppings for about $6.00. The perceived value is $50 or more and people just adore them.

I'm also pretty good at taking a little and making it appear to be a lot . . . though I'm not sure that ultimately this isn't part of the problem.

Look at it this way -- but don't take it personally because lots of us, myself included, have done the same thing: At Christmas you make a big basket of pretzels, which has the "perceived value" of $50. Your friend gives you a small ornament (which appears to be a much less expensive gift, but in reality probably cost about the same amount as your basket) -- and, being human, she notices the difference and feels bad. So next year she makes sure to "do it big" with your gift, and she buys you something really nice. And you're in a bind too (unless you give the same pretzel basket year after year) because now you need another low-cost/high-impact gift, and that probably takes effort, if not money. So increasing the "perception" sort of raises the bar for future gift giving.

Giving should be fun and from the heart, but that doesn't always happen. There is no good answer.

 

[MrsPete]

I have a friend who's getting married next weekend - HUGE wedding (almost 200 people!) at a posh place. They're paying for it themselves (they're young - 25- and without money!). His fiance told someone that she heard the average wedding gift is $1000!! Based on that figure, they're "hoping to break even" on the wedding!

I got them some lovely silocone bakeware...

MOST of my wedding gifts were along the lines of "lovely bakeware". I thought most of my gifts were very nice and thoughtful -- and 17 years later, I'm still using many of them!

 

[bopper]

Savings Bonds are a great gift for milestone occasions....you buy them for half of their face value! So you could spend $25 and it looks like $50!

 

[WDWHo]

I'm also pretty good at taking a little and making it appear to be a lot . . . though I'm not sure that ultimately this isn't part of the problem.

Look at it this way -- but don't take it personally because lots of us, myself included, have done the same thing: At Christmas you make a big basket of pretzels, which has the "perceived value" of $50. Your friend gives you a small ornament (which appears to be a much less expensive gift, but in reality probably cost about the same amount as your basket) -- and, being human, she notices the difference and feels bad. So next year she makes sure to "do it big" with your gift, and she buys you something really nice. And you're in a bind too (unless you give the same pretzel basket year after year) because now you need another low-cost/high-impact gift, and that probably takes effort, if not money. So increasing the "perception" sort of raises the bar for future gift giving.

Giving should be fun and from the heart, but that doesn't always happen. There is no good answer.

Yep I see your point. What to do, what to do!

 

[crisi]

MOST of my wedding gifts were along the lines of "lovely bakeware". I thought most of my gifts were very nice and thoughtful -- and 17 years later, I'm still using many of them!

Many of mine were ugly frames or ugly crystal probably purchased at TJ Maxx or regifted that I couldn't return and are still - twelve years later - in a box in my basement. I'd have preferred a handwritten note. The "perceived value" in crystal I'm never going to use is zero (less than zero, I have to move it, it takes up space, or I have to dispose of it) - and if you got a $50 bowl for $10, good for you, but you should have kept the $10.

And I'd rather get a thank you note than a hostess gift. Both are rare enough.

But I'm not from a big gift family - I grew up in a family that drew names at Christmastime, didn't buy for each other at birthdays (Mom and Dad would get the kids a gift), and my mother has been pooh-poohing the ugly crystal she got as a wedding gift for 42 years (and displaying it out of an obligation - every time some relation of her dies (actually, its usually my Dad's relatives) and she can throw out the crystal candy dish she got from them as a wedding gift and has hated for 40+ years, its a mini celebration). So we have baggage around gifts in my family.

 

[crjack]

I agree, gift giving has gotten way out of hand in our family. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get everyone on the same page? (the rest of the family)

Christmas is actually the easiest for us because we do draw names for the smaller nieces and nephews at Thanksgiving and limit the $$$ amount. B-days, graduations, etc. are a killer because DH and I each have huge families.

Anyway, here is what my family does over the holiday season. Each year, a different person selects a charity of their choice and we all make a contribution to that cause for whatever amount we want. My Dad matches the combined contribution from all of us.

We just go in birth order to make it simple. It's been great not only for the younger children to see but the teens in our families really enjoy it. It has also made me stop and think more during this time of year when most of us are tired, stressed, etc. I finally was able to get DH's family to do something similar.

Anyway, starting something like this may lead to the conversation over gifts for other events.

 

[ZPT1022]

We have offered to feed a family or give toys to a needy family in our neices and nephews names, and that offer was turned down

I can't believe someone would turn this down. I'd be all for it if someone asked me if I wanted that, or my kids did. Maybe it would mean more if it were a charitable gift to a charity close to that person's heart but it's still a super nice gift. I'll share a funny story from this past Christmas. My MIL hands me a tiny gift bag that has a card in it. I opened it up and saw *Make a Wish Foundation* and I got VERY excited, thinking she had made a donation to make a wish as my gift. I was kind of sad when I opened it and saw that it was a gift card to Bath & Body Works but for purchasing the special gift card to put it on, a $1 donation was made to Make a Wish. I know I shouldn't have been disappointed but for a minute there I was so excited that someone put thought into it and knew that that was a gift that would've made me really happy.

A couple of suggestions for graduation gifts if they are going to college -

1. A shower tote with soap, shampoo, deodorant, disposable shavers, dental floss, toothbrush, toothpaste, etc. I gave son & each of the nephews one at Xmas each and they loved it. The last one actually requested it. In the male version, I also throw in a few c*nd*ms as a joke and the boys crack up - there mom still chews me out for that little item, LOL.

can't believe mom chewed you out- I think it's kind of funny.

I do not believe in giving graduation gifts, especially cash. Isn't that the whole point of school in the first place? You go there to get educated and graduate. It's not a contest. When my daughter graduated HS, she got flowers. And when she graduated nursing school, she got taken to dinner. There were no gifts or extravagant parties or new cars. It has gotten out of control, now there are "graduations" from nursery school, kindergarten, 8th grade, high school, college...it's insane. .

As a mom to a child who just "graduated" from kindergarten, I think that it's just a cute ceremony. I was happy to see that most people seemed to be on the same page with us. The kids dressed up, did their songs and got to show off what they learned all year. Most of the audience was parents, siblings, and grandparents, and one great Aunt who volunteered in their classroom. I didn't see any gifts aside from the ones the parents gave the teachers. A lot of us all showed up at Dairy Queen afterwards. That seemed to be the "gift". It was a really nice family night out. Our DD did get a Littlest pet shop figure ($3) but that had more to do with me feeling sorry for her being sick and missing all the fun last week of school activities.

We've also opted out of the never-ending cycle. We do not "gift" with friends at Christmas -- immediate family only. We don't do Secret Santas, etc. The only "obligation" gift I give at Christmas is to the custodian who cleans my classroom every afternoon for very little pay.
.

My DH works PT at an elementary school as a custodian and I bet that gift means a lot. It's a pretty thankless job for the most part. That's really sweet of you to think of him.

 

[disneymom3]

I'm just scared I ruining my sons for dating, they're going to meet some poor girl who expects a gift on every holiday and think she is crazy.presents

Nah, you can just have them date all the children of hte budget borders and they will be fine!!

Exactly. Forget the "going rate" and give what you are comfortable with. Also, be creative. Nothing wrong with homemade gifts for many occasions. Bake a big tin of cookies, for example.

My sister was going through a divorce when I graduated from high school. I was going far away to college adn she wanted to do something nice for me, but had a limited budget. What she did was give me a booklet of coupons that said each month she would send me a box of homemade goodies. The deal was, I wrote her a letter and included the coupon when I wanted my treats and then she wrote back and sent a box of cookies or homemade candy or what have you. That was a great gift and we kept in touch regularly all year.

 

[ticktock]

Nah, you can just have them date all the children of hte budget borders and they will be fine!!



My sister was going through a divorce when I graduated from high school. I was going far away to college adn she wanted to do something nice for me, but had a limited budget. What she did was give me a booklet of coupons that said each month she would send me a box of homemade goodies. The deal was, I wrote her a letter and included the coupon when I wanted my treats and then she wrote back and sent a box of cookies or homemade candy or what have you. That was a great gift and we kept in touch regularly all year.

I think that is a FANTASTIC idea!!! Thanks for shareing it.