Let's Talk about Marriage

[agotta]

Hey everyone First let me start off with my story. I was married for 2 years and will be filing for divorce next month. I know there are stories out there of couples who have made it work and are married forever. But I feel like I hear more stories of those who didn't make it. I am really discouraged and at times feel like I will never get married again, even if I meet the right person. What are your thoughts?

 

[N&B'smom]

Well, your thread is very ironic for me because today my hubby and I are celebrating our 11th anniversary.

Please don't let whatever happened sour you towards marriage. Maybe you aren't meant to get married again but maybe you are, just be open to what the future holds for you. I know a LOT of people who have been married for a LONG time. My parents for example have been married for 38 years!!

Keep that chin up!!

Shelby

 

[shortbun]

Sorry about your marriage.
My husband was married once b4 ours. He never intended to do it again. I wasn't EVER going to get married. It took us 8 years and basically jumping that broom to realize that we firmly were determined to stay together. We got "married" for legal reasons (benefits,inheritance, descrimination of other types to non married couples) but it felt right instantly. The "marriage" is NOT the only tie that binds us together, however. We have a connection that is very strong.

 

[disneygals]

I met my dh at 24....FINALLY at 29 we got married, so I've been with my dh for 21 years. At the time, it seemed like forever to wait to get married, but when the wedding day came, I had no fears.

We have been through SO much family trauma in the last 6 years, but we've always known it's forever. We both accept each other as we are (including the bad traits!)

I think people get married too soon, have no idea the things life can throw at you, and just can't stay together. Not passing judgement, because it wasn't MY idea to take things so slow.

 

[Buckalew11]

My best friend was married seven years and he cheated on her. They divorced and it was a rough road for her. Not only was she brokenhearted, she didn't trust anymore.

Once the divorce was final, she hopped on a plane (Oh, BTW, luckily no children in that marriage) and flew to Hawaii. This was sorta crazy--it was her first flight and first time out of the state of TN!! She came home and registered for school and got a degree. She works in the hospital now--good money, stable job. She dated a few guys (one a horrible jerk) and then met a really nice guy who, in his 30s, had never married. They dated for 7 years. Honestly, it took her those 7 years to grow and become the woman she is today and be ready for a committed relationship. They married 2 years ago and are one of the most delightful, happy couples I know.

My advice would be to take care of yourself and not close the door or someone who might be a really nice man for you to be with. It'll be hard, but you'll know when the time is right. It may never be right...but, chances are you WILL meet someone in the coming years who will be just the right man for you. Please don't close the door and also don;t allow yourself to rush into anything either. Both of those things would not be good for your soul.

My best to you, agotta. I am sorry your marriage didn't work out.

 

[tiff211]

Not saying this is your case but I think some give up to easily. But I also think some get married too quickly as well. It just seem to be taken a seriously as it should.

My DSis (26) ran off and got married in 2004, left in 2005, divorced was final in June of this year and is already engaged to someone else that she has known less than a year. They are getting married Oct. 28.

My other Dsis (23) just called me last night to tell me she is getting married to a man she met three months ago. She is getting married today!

Dh and I have been married over 7 years. Year 4 was VERY, VERY, VERY bad and I didn't think we would make it. DH was so awful even the marriage counselor had a hard time being objective! But we came out of that bad patch and now have a strong and successful marriage.

I am sorry to hear about your marriage but don't let it sour you towards future relationships/marriage. You may cheat yourself out of a chance for happiness with more compatiable partner. Good luck to you!

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm sorry about your marriage, but I hope you don't give up on the thought of a lasting one down the line.

 

[wdw4us]

On November 23rd my husband and I will celebrate our 32 wedding anniv. Yes it can happen but we love each other enought to work at it every day. We've had our moments but worked through them.

There is a lot that can interfere with the relationship but in the end if you truly love one another it can be worked out. We have never cheated on each other and managed to have 2 children - grow up and move out so now we are in our 2nd honeymoon stage and are thankful we are still young enough to enjoy each other.

You will find someone, maybe not a husband but a good friend who may turn into the love of your life.

I wish you luck, find a friend, enjoy your life, be good to yourself. The rest will fall into place.

denise

 

[Shugardrawers]

Like you, I was married for 2 years. I was divorced for 11 years before I met Dh. I really thought my chances of ever meeting the right person were pretty much nil at that point. I mean, how many people take 11 years to find a new spouse when they really want to??? I finally found my Dh and we've been together for 6 years now. This one is the right one and he was definitely worth the wait. Divorce really sucks. It may take a while but it does get better.

 

[helenabear]

Not saying this is your case but I think some give up to easily. But I also think some get married too quickly as well. It just seem to be taken a seriously as it should.

I am sorry to hear about your marriage but don't let it sour you towards future relationships/marriage. You may cheat yourself out of a chance for happiness with more compatiable partner. Good luck to you!

I had to quote part of this as I totally agree!

I am sorry your marriage didn't work out, but I also agree that you shouldn't let it sour the future for you. You may learn something about marriages based on your experience.

I've only been married 6 years, but both my DH and my parents were married over 25 years. My mother died 13 years ago, and honestly my dad never remarried or dated. To me that is love! My DH's parents have been married about 37 years I think.

It was a good roll model for both of us to see. We realize marriage isn't easy at all, and love evolves. We also do not believe divorce is an answer for us if things do get rough. We believe that marriage is for life. Yes, in some cases like abuse I would be pushing for it, but I'll be the abnormal one here... cheating is not a reason for divorce for us. We both would want to work it out if at all possible.

We met when I was 19 and he was 18 years old. We got married when I was 23. I'm now 29 and blessed to have a guy as great as he is.

I don't see a 7 year itch coming along as we try to keep our lives fresh together. We both have changed in the 10 years we have known each other, but we changed together and adapt

Best wishes to you in your future relationships

 

[Keli]

This is just IMHO but a lasting marriage isn't based on how much you love each other. It's based on how committed you are to each other.
My love for my dh has ebbed and flowed over the years. Sometimes I'm very in love and other times, well, not so much.
But I am very committed to him and that is always the same. It's not based on feelings or current situation. I am not saying there is nothing my dh could do to make me willing to leave him but it would need to be on the level of messing around or abuse.
When you and your partner go into marriage with that level of committment the odds of having a successful marriage go up considerably.

Edited to add: In my hurry to tell my 'oh so important' thoughts on marriage I forgot to tell the OP what I meant to say first. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know your pain must be tremendous and my heart goes out to you.

 

[MINNIE OF TWO MICE]

It breaks my heart to hear stories like this. I met my husband when I was 17 and got married two months out of high school when I was 18. He actually gave me my engagment ring when we had been dating 7 months. We knew right from the start we were for each other. We have been married twenty wonderful years as of August 22. There were definately rough patches. I always look at it like my siblings though. I love them with all my heart and we have rough patches too. I can just throw them out of my life. We waited ten years to have children so we could grow and mature and I would not change a thing.

I will say a special prayer for you. I would need many if the love of my life were no longer a part of mine. Have yall done all you can to try to make the marriage work?

 

[JESW]

We were married 19 years in June. It has been VERY rough and I will not say that it has all been wine and roses (lots of WHINE and thorns!) but we stick it out. And this is also not about you, but in both our families we have seen marriages break up after just a few years for (what seemed to us) very minor things. The first couple of years of our marriage was tough as we were adjusting to being a married couple - we could have easily split up then but we stuck together. I often wonder what people expect out of marriage - how does that person change so drastically in such a short time that you no longer want to be married to them? Dh's brother's marriage last less than a year - his ex got pregnant on the honeymoon and then decided she really wanted to be with her ex bf. So after their ds was only a couple months old (and after they had bought a house) she dropped the bomb that she wanted out. Why on earth she went through all the wedding and everything else we will never know..

I do believe that marriage is what you make it. Aside from parenting, it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There are MANY days when I would just love to walk away, but something keeps me here. Dh's parents have been married 50+ years and my folks just celebrated 63 years - can you even imagine that???

Jill

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I wouldn't rule out marriage entirely. Just see how things go!

DH was married for about 2 years. His ex cheated on him with some guy she met in their apt. complex. As soon as their divorce was final she married the guy, and as far as I know they are still married. That was Feb. 1991!

DH & I got married in Nov. 1992. I think our marriage is pretty good. Even though he probably wasn't planning to get into another relationship so soon after his marriage it has worked out fine.

You never know who you will meet in the future or how that relationship will be different from the one that is ending now. I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[powellrj]

On paper DH and I should never had married. We were both very, very young. I had dated other people, but DH hadn't. I was his first serious girlfriend.

28 years and 3 children later I have to say it hasn't always been easy. Around year 18 I was ready to walk away and never look back. I have always loved him, but love is easy. Its the liking him part that has been hard. I knew I loved him the first time I saw him. Even before I knew his name I knew he was the one. Liking him has been hard. I think he would say the samething about me.

Please don't give up. I really believe there is someone out there for everyone. I am jaded enough to know that no marriage is perfect. I know it takes alot of work to keep a marriage working, but its worth every minute you put into it.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Your thread is ironic for me, because my husband is lucky I haven't killed him, or at the very least injured him, in the past few days.

(He's on his third day of nicotine withdrawal; he's only alive because he's at the firestation on a tour right now.)

I was previously married for 18 years; I never figured I'd be divorced either and couldn't imagine being single for the first time in my mid-thirties! However, I am remarried to a wonderful (except for the unusual circumstances) man.

Do take your time to heal from your divorce. No matter who instigated it, it is like a death and needs to be mourned, or put in its place mentally, before you move on.

Don't do what I did and jump into a rebound relationship, no matter how tempting it might be. If he's right for you, he'll be patient enough to understand that you need time to get your act together.

In a few years, I bet you look back on this post and chuckle, because you'll probably be in a much better place.

 

[Serena]

Ok, I've decided there are lots of people out there that could be a forever one.
I think finding the "special" one that everyone is looking for is pretty hard. I think finding ones that are special in their own ways isn't so hard. It's what we do with who we find.
Do we marry the first person we get along with, like and lust after? Or do we wait until we find the person we can't live without? And what happens when we do the first and then "think" we find the second.

With my daughters, my health problems, and my work schedule, going out into the world has been difficult. Given that, I really haven't met anyone I was willing to spend a dinnertime with. Now, if someone were to come into work, or whatever and was really interesting, then I know I would have found the time and opportunity. But I am open to the possibililty.

 

[grlpwrd]

I remember you!

I'm sorry to hear things haven't worked out for you two. I can't comment on whether it's worth fighting for, though, because it depends. I do wish you the best!

 

[cardaway]

Did you get married really young like I did? If so, jusdt chalk it up to mistakes made before we were old enough to know better.

 

[Missamoncus]

My love for my dh has ebbed and flowed over the years. Sometimes I'm very in love and other times, well, not so much.
But I am very committed to him

I just had to second that. For me, marriage is almost like a
farris wheel. I know there will be lows-but it always seems to come back up
for a breathtaking view if I just hang on. To the OP-I am so sorry that things didn't work out. I am sure your decisions were not made lightly. As for your getting married again someday-If you want to , I bet you will. I would also be willing to bet that if you do marry again, you will bring a wealth of new experiences and a new vision of what a marriage should be - and it will be wonderful!

Melissa