Learning To Like The Wealthy

[snarlingcoyote]

In my current avocational pursuits, I'm bumping elbows with some wealthy people. Not comfortably upper-middle class, or nouveau riche. No, we're talking old-school, old-money folks. You know, the ones with gated driveways and second homes in the country that were photographed for Town and Country. The ones who themselves aren't rich, because that's crass, but who will draw upon family resources over time as will their descendants.

Those people.

The problem is that I have discovered I am utterly prejudiced against these folks. My nose curls and I inevitably, invariably say something hopelessly rude about their social position. It just pops out before I know it! I know it's totally wrong of me, but sometimes I think they simply can't understand how many people do without health care, have to pinch pennies, don't have money to get out of bad situations, can't afford to buy decent educations etc. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that they ALL think they're morally and intellectually superior because they had the good luck to be born to parents with Money.

Which is COMPLETELY wrong of me! I know this!

My ancestors were lucky to not die, pretty much. Dust Bowls, Pograms, Trail of Tears, German Drafts, Irish famine, Civil War battles, Smallpox, etc. They didn't die when other people did. They were poor, root-scrabble-or-die people. Admittedly, there's a few impressive pedigrees mixed into the lot. (One of my ancestors was the brother of a woman who got hanged in Boston Common for being Baptist. Another was in Anne Hutchinson's colony and was one of the folks massacared along with her. Yet another was the first pastor of the 2nd (and most historically important) Baptist church in North America. I have Louisiana Unionists in my lineage, along with an ancestor, who, we think, rescued a girl from relative slavery by marrying her!) However, there's not a lot of money.

But, like it or not, I'm going to keep bumping elbows and will have to be nice and friendly with some v. economically comfortable people. A couple of them may actually wind up being good friends with me!

Other than consciously and determinedly working on my prejudice. . .any ideas? This is giving me fits. I can't stay prejudiced like this!

 

[Justsyd2]

Congrats on working on your prejudices. If it's any consolation, I married into one of these families. They are wealthy, not rich, and they actually are just like most people. They care about others, they are modest, they don't flaunt their status, they help those in need, ect.

We haven't inherited the "family fortune," but when our times comes, I can tell you that we will miss our family more than gaining anything monetary.

My advice is to look at the people, and not the $$$ that seem to hover over their heads.

 

[gillenkl]

In a previous line of employment I often ended up in the homes of "old money". Mansions, pools, more bedrooms and bathrooms than one family needs. My clients were senior citizens and "loaded". It's just how their life is - it's what's "normal" for them. I never had a problem - I was nice to them, they were nice to me.

One lady I worked for she had lived the high soceity life and had what seemed like everything....very well off and yet none of her family showed up to help her move to her upper crust assisted living facility. No one showed up at christmas - but they did send her some thoughtless gifts. They never called her. I'm sure they were all present to collect their inheritance when she passed.

I knew another lady - very prominent family in the state I live in - I was hired to sit at her deathbed because her family couldn't be there. WHAT? They couldn't even show up while she was dying - I'm sure they were able to make it when it was time for their cashflow increase.

Grass isn't always greener. I can't help dealing with younger generations, I've only dealt with affluent senior citizens in my work. We're all just people in the end. Good luck!

 

[bumbershoot]

My ancestors were lucky to not die, pretty much.

Think about royals who were killed just b/c someone else wanted their job. Dying unexpectedly doesn't just happen to the poor.



Other than that, get to know them! If you like not liking people, remember, there are plenty of reasons to not like just about any individual, rather than just not liking a group for no apparent reason. But you might find that some of them are nice.


Something else popped into my mind. Depending on why they are wealthy, they might not have cheap insurance. I always think about actors...from whom do they get their insurance? SAG, I imagine? How hard it was when they were starting out, before they qualified for it. And then if someone doesn't work for a certain period of time, they can't be in it until they work, yes? So do they lose all their benefits?

So if someone doesn't officially work because they are so so so rich...where does their insurance come from? Might be high cost if it's individually purchased. Of course, it's not going to mess with their budget as much as it would ours, but it might very well be higher than the insurance my friend carries at almost no cost to her (schoolbus driver).

 

[KellyNY]

I am OK with rich people. I am not OK with those who pretends to be rich. I had a friend back in college, I knew her before and know for sure she was looking for cheapest clothes all the time, she was broke as any student. Once she was bragging about some mall she found and I asked about sales and she said "I am not a poor to look for sales". That was in front of other girls, pure show off. I do not get such things. be what you are and do not pretend something you are not.

 

[Purseval]

But, like it or not, I'm going to keep bumping elbows and will have to be nice and friendly with some v. economically comfortable people. A couple of them may actually wind up being good friends with me!

If you're lucky one might even offer you a job. When's the last time a poor person offered you one?

 

[pearlieq]

Given that you're richer than most everyone in the world, how do you live with yourself?

However you do it, that's how they do it too.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

Well, at least you've recognized that if there's a problem, it's in your head. That's a good first start.

When I first started dating my DH, I found out he was from a very, very wealthy town. He was "poor", by the town's standards, but his friends were all quite wealthy. I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, was a scholarship kid, etc. I was positive that his friends would all look down on my cheap clothes and blue collar background. Well, you know the punch line--the only person who cared about my background was...me. The only person with class issues? You guessed it--me! I got over myself.

As to specific ideas for you, the only thing I can suggest is, since you've noted your own prejudice, work to correct it in yourself. If you slip and make a stereotypical statement, try to laugh about it. You know, point out that you have a prejudice and you're trying to get passed it. A little self-deprecating humor and a smile go a long way. And your freinds/clients/whatever will likely appreciate your candor.

 

[Acklander]

I grew up in an area where there was a big difference between the haves and the have nots. There was never a problem with racial tension, but there were issues between "the classes".
It helps to remember that everyone is born with challenges and everyone is born with gifts - no one is exempt. Someone else's challenges may be different than yours, but they are still there. Instead of judging someone by their economic status (rich OR poor) judge them for WHO they are, and what they contribute in life. A wallet does not make a person.
The richest man I knew (and I've known some incredibly wealthy people, both old money and new money) drove around in a VW rabbit and contributed a huge amount of money to the local art school. Art was important to him, and there have been thousands of budding and starving artists who were able to create beautiful work due to his sponsorship.
I know one family (old money, several generations) that has made their "mission" to support a homeless shelter in a major city - this has been going on for about 80 years. Not only do they contribute in a generous endowment annually, but you can find many of them working at the shelter through out the year as well.

 

[Lucille1963]

I have been lucky enough to work with families like you describe for many years. Household names, buildings named after the family, etc. They are some of the most wonderful, kind, generous people I have ever met.

You're right, the problem is you. Get over yourself. Don't think about the money, think about the people.


I will add this....

I used to believe that when you were super rich, your house would be photographed for books, magazines, etc. Then I realized there was a whole different level.

I was working (kitchen help) for a book club meeting at the home of one of the families I work for. The author was going to be present. Somehow the press found out and asked to film it for the news. Because of this, the book club meeting had to be moved out of the home, into a common room of the building. The apartment could NOT be photographed. Too much art!

This same family not only tipped generously this Christmas but also gave me an extremely wonderful, personal gift. GOOD PEOPLE!

 

[tazdeb]

I think the OP has some issues with people making "it". I think its a fact that the upper 20% in income pay 80% of the taxes in this country. The fact that they or their relatives made it and didn't get persicuded/hung or caught and killed in a mob action can be because of luck, skill or influence. The fact is they did make "it" and I think its a great thing. It's what America was built upon. Somewhere in the past these people either had a great idea or invention and worked hard to achieve their money. Nobody handed it to them or redistributed it. They worked hard so they could leave to their children and their grandchildren. I also bet these so called rich donate a higher percentage of their wealth each year than the average American. I think if most Americans would try to emulate the rich instead of being jealous of them this country would be a better place.

 

[eliza61]

Given that you're richer than most everyone in the world, how do you live with yourself?

However you do it, that's how they do it too.

So makes you wonder how the rest of the world tolerates us?

 

[Planogirl]

So makes you wonder how the rest of the world tolerates us?

They often don't.

I think that it's human nature to be a bit envious of people who don't have to worry about money. I'm not saying it's right but it's probably inevitable.

A good friend of mine came from big money. She was different all right because she had to learn about budgeting and working for a living and all of that. She was also one of the nicest people I've ever known who just didn't know. Now she does.

 

[battricia]

I really think, rather than being upset about this situation, you should embrace it. Continue with the (most likely hilarious) comments, and write a book.

 

[Good Ol Gal]

In my current avocational pursuits.....

first, I'm curious of what your avocational pursuits are

I would like to think that I am not prejudice towards rich people. An old boss of mine (who owned the Company) was one of the most generous person I ever met! At Christmas and during the summer Co. party he gave away cars, boats, vacations, etc.

but I also had a very bad personal experience.

Growing up my mom remarried. My stepfather's family was upper crust in NY, you know the kind in the papers, high society type.

Well, I was like little Oliver Twist to them. They actually called me "Her" for awhile.

It took years until they accepted me.... but when you're 10 you never forget being treated like that.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Okay, my absolute biggest faux pas. . .

Well, there's a little country town that's kinda' eclectic, and v. pretty to the north of where I live now. It has some old plantation homes and some hills and it's just nice. Now, historically it's been a little bit more expensive to live in this town - but not much.

When we moved to this area, we wanted to look at houses in this town. We did and found that it is now MAJORLY more expensive to live in this town than other comparable towns. Our realtor and local gossip informed us that the reason for the $$$$ real estate was that now a lot of wealthy folks from Nawlins have a second home in this town, so it's become popular and so there's been a ripple effect in the real estate.

Fast forward a year. I'm on a volunteery type project with some people. One of the people I'm grouped off with says she's from this town. Oh! I say. We wanted to live there, but with all the rich people from Nawlins buying up real estate for second homes, we decided to move to town B instead. How is she finding things now that there's been this influx of wealthy snobs?

She made some vague non-committal answer.

A bit later I found out that her place in this town is her SECOND home. She's from Metarie. (That's a 'burb of NOLA.)

Whooops. Foot in mouth. I was mortified!

Some DF's have told me that this lady deserved it for saying she was from a town she actually has her second home in. (I understand, kinda'. She wanted street cred for living in an historic place.) Others thought it was LOL funny.

But I'm sure I probably made her uncomfortable with my statement - maybe she wasn't even aware of the resentment some folks feel about the weekenders/outsiders. And I felt awful!

As for what my avocationals are. I do some work with animal rescue and some historical type work. There are some people I really like who I have later found out come from Money. Actually, even though they like to act non-wealthy, there are tells with most of them. They will never live without a safety net and their thinking reflects this.

I keep thinking I will have that famous Fitzgerald - Hemingway conversation printed on my forehead. You know:

Fitzgerald: The rich are different from you and me.
Hemmingway: Yes. They have more money.



As for not taking pictures for magazines. Lordy, I know some people who've had that done. Never, ever, ever! They take out everything they don't specifically mention as something YOU put in the house, redo practically everything, and then dress you and your family up in clothes you've never worn and pose you in ways you'd never naturally sit/stand/play. . . and then everyone thinks YOU live like that!

Never in a bazillion years! My artwork and collectibles are pretty cheap stuff. I don't think I have anything worth over $500 - $700 (and no I didn't pay retail. Yard sales baby!), but I'd still never do it!

As for being wealthy in America: wealth is completely relative. Make friends with a few people who live here and send money home and you'll get a glimpse of that one! Heck, even move from an area in the states with a low cost of living to an area with a high cost of living or vice versa to learn that one!

 

[KKB]

You recognize your prejudices & want to work on them--can't ask for much else.
I try not to judge people except by how they treat the people around them--and then I do not hesitate to let them know that won't work for me!
There are good/bad folk at all income levels. Golden Rule works for me.
Many rich give LOTS of money away to good causes (trust me, they would rather give it away than pay the taxes on it!)
I will take my family surrounding me safely, with health & love for the rest of my life (OK, and enough to pay the bills

 

[carmiedog]

I think jealousy is the more appropriate word here. Not prejudice. It's easier to say you're prejudice than to admit you're jealous.

There is a huge difference between having a lot of money and living well, and having money and thinking you're better than everyone else. I know a lot of people from well-to-do families, and they are very, very nice people. I also know a few jerks, from BOTH sides of the tracks.

And...I have no idea where I'm going with this, except to say keep an open mind. I'm too tired to think but have to wait for the kids to fall asleep so I can open the door for Santa!

 

[BelleWDW]

In my current avocational pursuits, I'm bumping elbows with some wealthy people. Not comfortably upper-middle class, or nouveau riche. No, we're talking old-school, old-money folks.

You know, the ones with gated driveways and second homes in the country that were photographed for Town and Country. The ones who themselves aren't rich, because that's crass, but who will draw upon family resources over time as will their descendants.

!

Hmmmm..............I cant imagine someone in Metairie-very solidly middle class-having a second home on the North Shore??? Most peopel on the North shore LIVE there-they've left metairie for greener pastures.

You definitely sound jealous

 

[sk!mom]

Maybe as you get to know these folks you'll overcome your prejudice. I really don't understand. Due to my Dh's line of work and local non profits that we are involved with, we have become friends with the type of wealthy people that you mention. I have found them, as a group, to be caring, philanthropic, and very down to earth. They don't flaunt their wealth.

I've had a harder time with those who a newer to their wealth and feel the need to show it off.