Large families

[Handbag Lady]

I'd love to show this thread to my husband, an only.

I have ONE sister and he thinks it is impossible to keep up with my "huge" family.

 

[Colleen27]

In a different world we'd have had a bigger family. We both come from big extended families and love the noise and chaos and fun. But physical and financial reasons led us to stop at 3, and I'm glad we made that decision permanent when we were thinking clearly because with the baby turning two we've both had that little "what if" tug that I just know would have led to the "just one more" conversations.

 

[Freyja]

aprilvaca04 - Thank you for the kind words about my blog! I'm glad you started this thread. I don't know very many large families, so it is great to hear from some.

It is interesting to me how many people hated their large families. Their families must have been very different than mine. We are an extremely close family. When we began adopting kids, especially when we added a second and then third sibling group, we knew that closeness was not going to just happen on its own. We have fought to make our family a family from day one, and it has worked. The kids don't ever think along biological lines, even though they all spent a significant portion of their lives with their biological siblings only. We are simply ONE family.

The attention issue was one that I worried about when we decided to adopt the last 4. We didn't let it stop us because we knew the kids needed a family. Anyway, I have found that I can give my kids as much attention now as I could when we had 2 or 4. I am with my kids basically 24/7 - we used to homeschool and then a group of us started a private school and I teach there. I see my kids at lunch and anytime they need me - even for something as simple as a lost tooth.

We fiercly protect our family time and we eat together every day. We talk and laugh and play games together. DH and I each know each of our children better than many people with fewer children know theirs. It is all about the choices you make and the priority you place on building family.

We love our family so much that we hope to add to it at some point. In fact, our kids are anxious to add to it right now!

I just checked out your blog and will definitely be spending my evening reading more
What a beautiful family you have. Your children and gorgeous and you and your husband seem to be incredibly loving and inspiring people!

 

[minkydog]

All the people I know who came from large families had 0, 1 or 2 kids. None went on to have a big family of their own.

I come from a family of 5 kids. Eight years, 5 kids. Needless to say, by the time my mother was 30 she was wore out. I love my siblings, but it wasn't all that fun to grow up in a very small house with so many people in it. There was never enough money, time, or attention. My mother tried her best, but between working and managing this large group of kids she just didn't have much time for us individually. Mostly we were treated as a group. All of our outside activities revolved around church things and all of us were expected to go, all the time. There were no music lessons or any other sort of extra-curriculars. When my sisters and I were HS age, we were allowed to join a softball team as long as we were all on the same team. My next sister and I(14 months apart) used to get "twin gifts" all the time--you know, each of us gets the same thing. At Christmas we sat back-to-back and opened those gifts at the same time so we wouldn't ruin the surprise.

I think the thing that I missed most about growing up in a large family was the lack of individuation. We shared almost everything. If we went to the movies my mom would buy *1* soda and we'd all drink out of it. Yuck! It was expected that we would not make waves and we would move through life as a unit. In fact, when I went to college, my three younger sisters followed me. You know, "since we're going up there all the time, you might as well all be at the same school." Yeah...

I have 3 kids, 24,17 & 15. I would have liked to have 4 but after Christian was born with severe handicaps, DH put a stop to the child-bearing. It took me a long time to get okay with that and now I am pretty satisfied that he did the right thing. Someone asked me that other day when my new baby was due. Um, dude...I'm 54. At my age pregnancy would be a crisis of epic proportions.

 

[minkydog]

Of course that's possible, but I strongly doubt it. The two of them are much closer than any of my myriad sibling were growing up. They enjoy each other's company and aren't competing for attention the way we had to. If one of them sleeps at a friend's house, the other one misses her sister. In my family, we'd have been thrilled to death to be rid of them for a day.

My older two are like that. I was so worried about their age difference--they're almost 7 years apart. But they are so tight. DS24 lives in his own apt now, but he comes home 3-4-5 times a week (mostly when he's hungry ). DD17 is looking at colleges now and she's really having a hard time with the idea of moving 3-4 hours away because she's never been away from her brother. The rest of us are chopped liver.

 

[dogluva]

Of course that's possible, but I strongly doubt it. The two of them are much closer than any of my myriad sibling were growing up. They enjoy each other's company and aren't competing for attention the way we had to. If one of them sleeps at a friend's house, the other one misses her sister. In my family, we'd have been thrilled to death to be rid of them for a day.

I hate generalizations. My youngest boys do not leave one another sides (even to pee) if they can help it. I have four others who are extremely close to all their siblings. My youngest daughter cries when her brother who is 15 years older goes off to college (for the week, he comes home weekends). My kids do not compete for attention-they give it to each other.

Just because your "myriad" siblings were not close does not mean all large families are not close. Just like small families are sometimes close, sometimes not. Sounds like you had an unhappy childhood they may have been that way if there was only one or two of you. Time to get over it.

 

[dogluva]

I come from a family of 5 kids. Eight years, 5 kids. Needless to say, by the time my mother was 30 she was wore out. I love my siblings, but it wasn't all that fun to grow up in a very small house with so many people in it. There was never enough money, time, or attention. My mother tried her best, but between working and managing this large group of kids she just didn't have much time for us individually. Mostly we were treated as a group. All of our outside activities revolved around church things and all of us were expected to go, all the time. There were no music lessons or any other sort of extra-curriculars. When my sisters and I were HS age, we were allowed to join a softball team as long as we were all on the same team. My next sister and I(14 months apart) used to get "twin gifts" all the time--you know, each of us gets the same thing. At Christmas we sat back-to-back and opened those gifts at the same time so we wouldn't ruin the surprise.

I think the thing that I missed most about growing up in a large family was the lack of individuation. We shared almost everything. If we went to the movies my mom would buy *1* soda and we'd all drink out of it. Yuck! It was expected that we would not make waves and we would move through life as a unit. In fact, when I went to college, my three younger sisters followed me. You know, "since we're going up there all the time, you might as well all be at the same school." Yeah...

I have 3 kids, 24,17 & 15. I would have liked to have 4 but after Christian was born with severe handicaps, DH put a stop to the child-bearing. It took me a long time to get okay with that and now I am pretty satisfied that he did the right thing. Someone asked me that other day when my new baby was due. Um, dude...I'm 54. At my age pregnancy would be a crisis of epic proportions.

This is just the way you were raised. I raise all my kids as individuals and know them very well. They are very, very different so of course they are treated different. I am sorry that you and some others have had unhappy experiences with your large families and you sound very resentful. That is too bad. However, if you have the patience and resources to have a large familiy like I have (we are very lucky) then it is very, very rewarding. I feel very blessed by each of my children and cannot imagine life without one of them.

There is a poem called "someone said" and in it there is a line that says "Someone said you cannot love your fift child as much as your first. Someone did not have five children". This is me. I love all my kids the same and give them as much attention as I would give them if they were one of two. Your heart grows with each. Also, I am very aware of making sure I give them what they need so sometimes I overcompensate.

My kids who not trade their siblings for any material thing you offered them. They are learning tolerance, patience and responsibility. Everyone says my kids are wonderful and I know it is because they come from a large family

 

[AustinTink]

All the people I know who came from large families had 0, 1 or 2 kids. None went on to have a big family of their own.

Hahahaha. You can add me to this group. I'm the youngest of 7 and mother to one perfect child!

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I am number 6 of 7. However number 7 is from a latter marriage so is much younger same age actually as my daughter.

I have 4 kids myself and if I hadn't been such a sick pregnant person, I would have had 6. I loved,loved being part of a large family. It was always chaotic always fun!

However that said.... I was the baby for a very long time well into adulthood and my percepton is very differant from my older siblings.
All of my siblings with the exception of the youngest. Have married and had just one child. because they fealt that they missed out abit in a large family. I really think birth order makes a differance.

Also whats funny is as the youngest everything runs through me. holidays, get togethers. if someone is mad at someone else both sides call me to vent on the other. And other than the contact through me, really its not much.

 

[Pigeon]

I hate generalizations. My youngest boys do not leave one another sides (even to pee) if they can help it. I have four others who are extremely close to all their siblings. My youngest daughter cries when her brother who is 15 years older goes off to college (for the week, he comes home weekends). My kids do not compete for attention-they give it to each other.

Just because your "myriad" siblings were not close does not mean all large families are not close. Just like small families are sometimes close, sometimes not. Sounds like you had an unhappy childhood they may have been that way if there was only one or two of you. Time to get over it.

Where was the generalization when I talked about my family? You are the one who implied that my kids wouldn't be close because you aren't close to your single sibling. My childhood wasn't horrible, but there were just too damn many of us. It is what it is. I don't sit up nights brooding about it, but I do think my parents did their family a huge disservice. I can't pretend otherwise.

My parents (and dh's) would tell you that we all had lots of attention, the siblings made up for the competition, and that loud is good. But for us kids, that was not the reality.

And in no way do I think that kids giving each other attention is any kind of replacement for parental attention.

It sounds like you can't get over the idea that not everyone is a fan of huge families.

 

[5lilfish]

Boy can I relate to this. I am one of 8. And, between all 8 of us, we had only 9 kids. What does that tell you? Says it all, IMO.

My mother was a saint, and a terrific mother, but there was no way that she could give all 8 of us the attention that any child deserves.

I don't think that really tells anything...except that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I could say the same thing about not having a big family being the cause of me wanting to have a big family. I have 1 brother and 1 sister...but they are 8 and 6 yrs older than I am. In many ways, I grew up as an only child. I think that is a big reason that I wanted to have a big family. I have 5 kids...love it. My kids are not starved for attention and they are not treated as 1 unit. They do plenty of individual extra curricular activities. Sure, things are sometimes crazy. We like it that way. I also agree that my kids get attention from each other. I am not saying that is a replacement for parental attention (which they get plenty of) but it is still a positive thing. I also think, in some ways, that it is a healthy thing to not get too wrapped up in everything your kids do. I know plenty of families with 1 or 2 kids that are way too involved in every little thing their kids do and get caught up in things like friendships (fights, drama, etc), classroom/sports/scouts (have to be the leader/coach of everything), etc to an unhealthy extreme. Now, it may not be fair to claim that this is a product of only having 1 or 2 kids but I have witnessed many cases like this. It is also not fair to claim, as a generalization, that kids in bigger families do not get enough attention.

Jess

 

[minkydog]

This is just the way you were raised. I raise all my kids as individuals and know them very well. They are very, very different so of course they are treated different. I am sorry that you and some others have had unhappy experiences with your large families and you sound very resentful. That is too bad. However, if you have the patience and resources to have a large familiy like I have (we are very lucky) then it is very, very rewarding. I feel very blessed by each of my children and cannot imagine life without one of them.

There is a poem called "someone said" and in it there is a line that says "Someone said you cannot love your fift child as much as your first. Someone did not have five children". This is me. I love all my kids the same and give them as much attention as I would give them if they were one of two. Your heart grows with each. Also, I am very aware of making sure I give them what they need so sometimes I overcompensate.

My kids who not trade their siblings for any material thing you offered them. They are learning tolerance, patience and responsibility. Everyone says my kids are wonderful and I know it is because they come from a large family

I'm sorry, did you think I was saying that people shouldn't have large families? I have no opinion one way or the other. I'm sure you are a wonderful parent, whether you have 1 or 10. I have 3 kids, which is large enough for me. My kids are extremely close to one another and they get along beautifully. I can count on one hand the number of altercations they have had. I have tried to afford them each the time and attention they needed, although having a severely handicapped child that wasn't always possible. My older kids have given up a lot for their brother, but they never complained. Still, they were each allowed to have their own extra-curriculars and their own friends, things that I was not afforded (I had to share my friends with my sisters, too.) I know that my mother did the best she could, but she was overwhelmed.

 

[dogluva]

Where was the generalization when I talked about my family? You are the one who implied that my kids wouldn't be close because you aren't close to your single sibling. My childhood wasn't horrible, but there were just too damn many of us. It is what it is. I don't sit up nights brooding about it, but I do think my parents did their family a huge disservice. I can't pretend otherwise.

My parents (and dh's) would tell you that we all had lots of attention, the siblings made up for the competition, and that loud is good. But for us kids, that was not the reality.

And in no way do I think that kids giving each other attention is any kind of replacement for parental attention.

It sounds like you can't get over the idea that not everyone is a fan of huge families.

Therapy. Anyway, I don't need your aproval for my large family. Trust me on this. So who do you think should not have been born in your parents' large family?

 

[dogluva]

I don't think that really tells anything...except that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I could say the same thing about not having a big family being the cause of me wanting to have a big family. I have 1 brother and 1 sister...but they are 8 and 6 yrs older than I am. In many ways, I grew up as an only child. I think that is a big reason that I wanted to have a big family. I have 5 kids...love it. My kids are not starved for attention and they are not treated as 1 unit. They do plenty of individual extra curricular activities. Sure, things are sometimes crazy. We like it that way. I also agree that my kids get attention from each other. I am not saying that is a replacement for parental attention (which they get plenty of) but it is still a positive thing. I also think, in some ways, that it is a healthy thing to not get too wrapped up in everything your kids do. I know plenty of families with 1 or 2 kids that are way too involved in every little thing their kids do and get caught up in things like friendships (fights, drama, etc), classroom/sports/scouts (have to be the leader/coach of everything), etc to an unhealthy extreme. Now, it may not be fair to claim that this is a product of only having 1 or 2 kids but I have witnessed many cases like this. It is also not fair to claim, as a generalization, that kids in bigger families do not get enough attention.

Jess

I agree with everything you said. Thank you. I too, have friends with one or two who really need to have more. They are obsessed with their kids every movement and how can that be good for anyone. They never let their kids work out anything on their own and are constantly in their affairs.

 

[castleview]

I had only one sibling growing up in a neighborhood where people had between three and seven children. I always wished I had a large family. Now I have three kids and it's great. I would have done four, maybe even five had DH not told me that would have to be done with my next husband.

 

[ilovesugar]

Where was the generalization when I talked about my family? You are the one who implied that my kids wouldn't be close because you aren't close to your single sibling. My childhood wasn't horrible, but there were just too damn many of us. It is what it is. I don't sit up nights brooding about it, but I do think my parents did their family a huge disservice. I can't pretend otherwise.

My parents (and dh's) would tell you that we all had lots of attention, the siblings made up for the competition, and that loud is good. But for us kids, that was not the reality.
And in no way do I think that kids giving each other attention is any kind of replacement for parental attention.

It sounds like you can't get over the idea that not everyone is a fan of huge families.

I bolded the part that I agree with 100%. My mom would swear up and down that we got tons of attention and she treats all of us the same and has no favorites. In reality, it could not be further from the truth. All of us kids know it, and talk about it all the time.

The way I look at it, a subpar parent is going to be that way whether they have 1 or 20 kids. Some parents don't know when to stop, like my mother. She had no business having 2, much less 7 kids. She was not a good mother and could not handle being a parent. That is just her, not all parents.

I don't really care if someone wants a small family or a large one, or even no kids at all. That is a personal decision. What I do care about is people who don't know (or pay attention to) their own limits. My limit is 2, I know that and I stopped at two. Some people can handle more, good for them. But if someone cannot handle having a kid or multiple kids, they have no business doing so. It is only going to hurt your children and make them resent you.

 

[C.Ann]

I think it's a sweeping generalization for people to assume that children from large families were unhappy and starved for attention and therefore chose just the opposite for themselves when they became adults..

I know many large families who had very happy childhoods - never felt they lacked anything - and most grew up to have large families themselves.. I also know many families who had "only's" - or two kids at most - and some of those kids also felt their childhoods were lacking somehow..

I just don't think it's something you can generalize.. Every family - every childhood - is different and "numbers" really don't have all that much to do with it..

 

[horseshowmom]

I raise all my kids as individuals and know them very well. They are very, very different so of course they are treated different.

However, if you have the patience and resources to have a large familiy like I have (we are very lucky) then it is very, very rewarding. I feel very blessed by each of my children and cannot imagine life without one of them.

My kids who not trade their siblings for any material thing you offered them. They are learning tolerance, patience and responsibility. Everyone says my kids are wonderful and I know it is because they come from a large family

My parents came from large families, and I used to love getting together with extended family. I only have a brother, and we don't see them often (no issues, just don't get together often).

My husband came from a family of five children (4 boys and 1 girl). His sister also had 5 (4 girls and 1 boy - we think she was getting even... ). The number of children the other siblings have range from 1 to 3. His family gets along fine. Some are closer than others but no issues.

My sister-in-law's children are all grown and married (twenties to thirties in age). The number of their children range from 1 to 5. The older three have 3, 4, and 5 respectively while the younger ones probably aren't finished having children. While they sometimes complained (just a little) when they were younger and growing up, they'll tell you in an instant that they wouldn't change anything (they are all very close). Their mother died unexpectedly last year at age 54 (a heart issue from having taken Fen-Phen many years ago), and they really supported each other.

I think it's a sweeping generalization for people to assume that children from large families were unhappy and starved for attention and therefore chose just the opposite for themselves when they became adults..

I know many large families who had very happy childhoods - never felt they lacked anything - and most grew up to have large families themselves.. I also know many families who had "only's" - or two kids at most - and some of those kids also felt their childhoods were lacking somehow..

I just don't think it's something you can generalize.. Every family - every childhood - is different and "numbers" really don't have all that much to do with it..

 

[dogluva]

I bolded the part that I agree with 100%. My mom would swear up and down that we got tons of attention and she treats all of us the same and has no favorites. In reality, it could not be further from the truth. All of us kids know it, and talk about it all the time.

The way I look at it, a subpar parent is going to be that way whether they have 1 or 20 kids. Some parents don't know when to stop, like my mother. She had no business having 2, much less 7 kids. She was not a good mother and could not handle being a parent. That is just her, not all parents.

I don't really care if someone wants a small family or a large one, or even no kids at all. That is a personal decision. What I do care about is people who don't know (or pay attention to) their own limits. My limit is 2, I know that and I stopped at two. Some people can handle more, good for them. But if someone cannot handle having a kid or multiple kids, they have no business doing so. It is only going to hurt your children and make them resent you.

Yes, I agree. People need to know their limits. Very well said. So nobody needs to paint all families, large or small, with the same brush. If I did that in regards to small families, I apologize. It is just that I am always having to defend my decision to have six kids and I get very tired of it. My kids are healthy, happy, and well taken care of (and not by their siblings!).

 

[mb_uh]

We have been thinking about this a lot. We have 3. I was one of 2 (sister is 17 years older) and we can not stand each other- personality conflict and her jealousy that I was born . DH has 3 siblings the girls are very close and keep in contact with everyone and the boys are aloof.

My kids are all about each other and get very upset when one goes over to a friends house even though they fight all the time They begged us to have #3 and we estatic when we had him. They want more kids, even though we both work and are worried about the time, money issues.

I was having serious baby lust and had convinced DH into #4 until we last month when we vacationed without the baby. It was so nice to enjoy meals with kids that could feed themselves and not scream at dinner just for fun , no diapers, no naps, staying out late. It hit me like a ton of bricks that another baby would bring with it 3 more years of this. While I love having an infant 18months to 3 is very trying on my patience.

At first DH was happy that I was over it but then the other day "we don't know what person we will miss out on my not having #4" it really shocked me since it was so insightful about a topic I thought he was done with. I am not sure what we will do but I strongly believe that choosing to have a big or small family does not really determine if your kids are happy or if they like eachother. Personalities and parenting style do. You can ignore and neglect 1 child or love 20 and give them the most of you if you choose to. Attention is not about quanity but quality, and if you do it right kids can feel like they have your attention even when you are caring for others. Few children are taught in a class by themselves but a good teacher will devote individual attention to all 20-30 kids she has at a time, parents can do the same if they make it a priority.

I agree that kids are not loved and treated the same. That would be impossible and in reality no one would be happy because it is own uniquness that dicates what we desire from a relationship and give back, if all were treated the same the child that likes to be alone would be smothered and the needy child would feel neglected. I think that by having kids with different needs it is easier to spread yourself out to them because you can give what each needs at the moment.