Ladies I need your honest opinion!!!!!

[Stephanie1974]

OK - I don't know what to think. The other day I was on the internet at my boyfriend's house and happened to check his emails (ok I was looking at them on purpose) and saw an email from him to one of the girls on our co-ed softball team. I wasn't too happy about the comments on it. She did ask if I knew he emailed her and that she didn't want me to be mad at her for it, he said that I know when he tells me and for her not to say anything about it to me. Then he says how nice her butt is and if he could just touch it once and she said no it's off limits to you. Well I was pretty upset but didn't say anything to him about it because I didn't want him to know that i had been looking in his email. I wanted to really sit there and think about what was going on. So I'm going to give a little bit more information about the whole situation. First of all I work with this girl and he never knew her before we started playing softball this year. It's not like they were friends beforehand. Secondly since I read that email she has not said one word to me about him emailing her. Not once. He did tell me that he emailed her that day but obviously not the specifics of it. Right now she is going through a hard time at home, breaking up with her boyfriend of 8 years and is very emotional. My boyfriend is the type of guy that will find something good about every girl and tell them about it. Even if he doesn't know them he'll tell them that they are a wonderful personal and blah blah blah. It does get a little bit old after a while but I'm basically used to it that that is how he is. I honestly can say that he isn't cheating on me or anything. We have not spent a night apart since February and we are together usually from within an hour that I get off of work for the rest of the night (he gets off at 4 and I get off at 5 - he usually gets on his email on his lunch break and when he gets home from work) I have checked his phone and he doesn't have her number in it, and there aren't any calls from her or anything. So why did I look?? I don't know I have to admit that it makes me uncomfortable knowing that he was emailing her and I know the way that he is and he likes to flirt with girls, he likes to have people like him, and he likes the challenge of getting someone to like him, I am not a challenge to him anymore because he knows that I love him and honestly I know that he does love me and that he wouldn't cheat on me. But I guess that i have my own insecurities as well. So what do I do? Part of the reason why I am posting is because i did do something. The next day he had to work in the morning and I was off so I was going to print off the emails and just keep them, not say anything to him, but he had already deleted them. So I was sitting there wondering what to do and I went into his mail options and blocked her email address. He can still send them to her and she can respond to him but he can't get them. Nothing will come up to either one of them about it either. Now I am starting to feel guilty about doing it and am wondering if I should take it off or not. Actually I'm thinking of taking it off for this week (this is the last week of our softball) and putting it back on next week when he can't talk to her at all. But really I don't know what to do.

 

[Kendra17]

Hi Stephanie,
I could see blocking the emails--I would have done that in a similar situation when I was younger.

That isn't really the issue, though. The emails were inappropriate. He could be young, but if he's committed to you, he shouldn't be writing someone else to compliment certain body parts.

With maturity (and I don't mean you are immature, I mean you might lack some life experience), being a "challenge" is not an issue. I don't want my husband to be a challenge and he feels the same! With experience, we start valuing accessibility. . .trust, security, etc. This does NOT negate romance at all. . .it just brings a comfort knowing the person you're in love with is in love you back equally. And, the feeling of fear that makes you want to check the emails should not be part of the equation.

If it IS part of the equation, then you have some issues you have to confront with yourself and him.

 

[onecoolmama]

I have no advice bvut good luck

 

[Trish Bessette]

Okay, him telling this girl how nice her butt is doesn't sit well with me but then him going on to say he would like to touch it is even worse.

 

[lilpritch04]

Confront him. Yes, you will have to tell him what you did in order to talk to him about it, but that is what you have to do.

Just bring it up and say "I looked at your email the other day...I know it's personal, but I found something disturbing..."

You will then have to break up the discussion into 2 parts--why you looked--what your motivation was, and why you didn't ask him for permission; and why he is emailing this girl--in general and specifically about her butt.

I wish you luck. Have patience. He is bound to be upset that you went through his personal things--email or not and you need to understand that it does violate his privacy, but also try to keep him focused on what is upsetting you.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Why were you snooping around his emails?

What he wrote to that girl was very innapropriate and it sounds like maybe he wants to move on and he is not being very mature about it.

But honestly, snooping around his emails was kind of immature too.

It *sounds* like you are both still in high school? Maybe it is best for you to both move on and try to find other people who you are happier with. He obviously already has (per the email) and you must not really trust him (since you felt like you had to sneak onto his computer and read his email).

Good luck to you, whatever happens and remember, there are always more fishies in the sea. Don't stay with some jerk who is cheating just because you've been with him for a while, esp. at such a young age.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You can do one of two things,
1) Accept how he is, "a flirt". Maybe this is nothing.
2) Risk talking to him about it.

 

[Cinders]

Funny how this is the OPs first post. Usually when people come to a Disney site they don't make their first post so personal.

Before you confront your BF you need to admit what you did was also wrong. You aren't married to him so what is in his emails and his phone is none of your business. If you don't trust him then set him free now.

 

[Lynn CC]

{HUGS} to you
I guess when we are trying to find out the truth, I mean that girl did tell you he E-Mailed her, right? It makes us do things such as snooping that we normaly wouldn't do, right?

It sounds like you love him, but for him wanting to do the things he says in his E-Mail to someone else, that's where I agree with EsmeraldaX...there are plenty more fishies!
I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I was enough for him, challenging or not. I don't think he has the same idea of relationship as you do, sorry to say, I'm just trying to be honest. I don't even think I'd waste my breath letting him know how I felt, I'd just move out and on with my life.

Your way to young for this kind of stuff, imagine what he will be touching and with whom when you are 40? I'd look ahead, I can't see a happy future with someone like that.

 

[Stephanie1974]

Ok I thought I better clear a few things up no we are older than high school, yes I know that I was wrong for looking in his email I am definitely not proud of it, I think that is partly why I am feeling so guilty because I know I shouldn't have done it. It was just like it was right there and I had to, I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, but when I am on the internet at his house I don't have access under my own name, I always log in as him and he always lets me, I have a computer here at work that I am on during the day so by the time I get home I don't even want to be on it, I was on to look up hurricane information. Yes he is a flirt, I know that, he is also a very touchy feely type of person I am used to that, his whole family is, it's just the way that they are. I also realize that I have a problem with communication. It is very hard for me to express my feelings. It is the way that I was brought up, we were not a very emotional family. We always kept things inside, and I know that that is not fair to my boyfriend because I don't always tell him exactly what is bothering me, he'll ask because he can usually tell when I am upset or not myself, but most of the time I will say nothing and try to work it out in my head myself. I really do try to look at things from both points of view and assess the whole situation. I posted on here because I didn't want to go to my friends or family with negative issues about him. I don't think that it is fair to him to always let our friends know the bad things. I think that in too many relationships you have a tendancy to always discuss the negative and not the positive, but I had to get it out because my guilt is eating me up and I wasn't ready to talk to him about it yet.

 

[onecoolmama]

Since I read your profile, I know you arent in high school. The question I would ask: Do you love him enough to want him to stay in your life?

We are about the same age and if I were single, I dont know if I would waste my time with him. How long have you two been dating?

 

[shortbun]

This is going to seem cold.

Take the block off his computer.
Dump him. His comments to the other girl are creepy.

You do not have a relationship based on trust from either
side. It's not worth salvaging. Learn from this one so that
when you meet another guy(hopefully one you can trust),
you can keep things on the level.

 

[Saffron]

Hi Stephanie!

In my opinion, relationships are built and mantained on trust, respect and communication. You have some trust issues with your boyfriend and he is not respecting you by asking other females if he can touch their butts! Flirting and being nice to members of the opposite sex is one thing, but making sexual advances to another woman, and that's exactly what that was, is another. Touchy feely is no excuse for wanting to touch another woman's butt and telling her how nice it is.

I think you need to communicate and set boundries for what is and what isn't acceptable in your relationship. Everyone has different boundries, the two of you just have to be clear and understand where your boundries are in your own relationship. You need to communicate with each other about who you are as a couple and trust that those boundries won't be crossed. If you guys come to the conclusion that talking about butts and touching butts is okay, than so be it. But if not, then you have some compromising and work to do.

Obviously you aren't trusting him for some reason or else you wouldn't have read his emails and tampered with his email settings. Your boyfriend may not trust you once you tell him your concerns and how you found out about the emails and sexual advances he made towards your friend. But whats the alternative? The two of you would live in a relationship built on a very shakey foundation if you don't clear the air and decide who you are as a couple and what is and isn't acceptable to the both of you if you don't.

If you truly love each other and you both want to be together, you can work anything out, even if it takes a while to build back the trust that the two of you have lost in each other. I hope he feels the same way you do about wanting things to work out, it sounds like you really care for him.

I wish you the best of luck that things straighten out for the two of you.

 

[Serena]

My honest opinion is to dump the boyfriend.

Telling her about her great behind is bad enough, telling her he wanted to touch it is even worse, but the part that bothers me the most, is him hiding the conversations. He's being deceitful.

I truly don't see this relationship getting better. I just see you being hurt, time and time again if you let this go.

However, what you do now is up to you, and him. However way you want to work this out, we'll be here.
I'm wishing you happiness.

 

[Kendra17]

Originally posted by Cinders
Funny how this is the OPs first post. Usually when people come to a Disney site they don't make their first post so personal.

Before you confront your BF you need to admit what you did was also wrong. You aren't married to him so what is in his emails and his phone is none of your business. If you don't trust him then set him free now.

i was thinking this, too. . .but, if I were going to post something so personal, I'd want to remain more anonymous, maybe. . .I mean, you develop a relationship with others while on here--good or bad--and in that sense you lose your anonymity even when you use an alias (make sense???? confusing, but you might post pics, share personal info). Some things are too personal even for your original alias that you might find you need another one!

 

[Stephanie1974]

Originally posted by onecoolmama
Since I read your profile, I know you arent in high school. The question I would ask: Do you love him enough to want him to stay in your life?

We are about the same age and if I were single, I dont know if I would waste my time with him. How long have you two been dating?

We dated for about 6 months broke up for 4 months and then got back together last January and have been together without any problems since then.

To those that wondered why I post something so personal as a first post, well I have been basically doing research for our trip to Disney which we leave for in two days. I found this website and have been on it for Disney information. Well a couple of days ago I found this community board. Yes it was easier for me to bare myself to a bunch of strangers than to my friends or family, actually I didn't really want to bring them into it. Just as an FYI for all of you, his uncle lives across the street from me and is best friends with my brother in law and cousin, I actually am really good friends with his sister and knew her before we even met. He works for my cousin. That's part of the reason why I didn't want to go to anyone that I knew first. Everyone knows everyone and I didn't necessarily want to be come the topic of discussion for the next week or so. I really do appreciate everyone's input so far, it has given me a lot to think about and has made me really think about our relationship and what I want out of it.

 

[onecoolmama]

Originally posted by Stephanie1974
We dated for about 6 months broke up for 4 months and then got back together last January and have been together without any problems since then.

To those that wondered why I post something so personal as a first post, well I have been basically doing research for our trip to Disney which we leave for in two days. I really do appreciate everyone's input so far, it has given me a lot to think about and has made me really think about our relationship and what I want out of it.

If you dont want to say..no big deal, but why did you break up for the 4 months? Was it related to trust at all?

The nice thing is, you are going to be able to get away and really evaluate your relationship. You can watch his actions and hopefully you will get some breaks to think. How long are you going to be away?

 

[leighe]

I'd be very careful if I were you and really think about what you want. I was in a very serious (engaged) relationship and dealt with almost the exact same email thing. Completely inappropriate - emailing an ex (which I had always said I didn't care about) and talking about very intimate details from their relationship, what might have been, etc (which I did care about.) To make a long story short, I eventually confronted him about it and he played totally innocent - "I didn't think it was a big deal, I'll let you read every email from now on, etc." Problem taken care of, I think. Well, one day a friend of mine tells me she has heard the craziest rumor about my fiance and this girl we all knew. I completely trusted him and thought the rumor was kind of funny, actually. So I tell him about it and the look on his face just floored me! It was true. He didn't admit it then, but I knew from the way he looked at me that it was. We tried to work things out but that trust was broken. I couldn't move on from it.

I'm not saying that anything like that will happen to you, but I do know that a relationship is completely miserable when you can't trust your partner. I was constantly checking his cell phone, checking up on where he'd said he'd been, etc. It really got old and I ended up being frustrated with myself for puttin up with it.
There are times when you have to put yourself first. I didn't want to live with such distrust. It just drove me nuts!

Hugs and best of luck to you!

 

[beattyfamily]

I'm so sorry this happened.

I have done similar things. We're all human. I don't do it anymore really but I certainly have done stuff like that in the past. Sometimes curiousity and insecurities get the best of you.

Anyway, I think you need to be brave tell him or it will eat at you. That's what I'd do.

I also think I couldn't be with someone who is a flirt...I'm just too jealous for that. But that doesn't mean you have to break up with him...just figure out if you can live your whole life with a touchy feely flirt.

Good luck and best wishes that everything will work out for you.

 

[ChristmasElf]

You could just say that you heard a rumor and wondered if it were true. Then wait and see what he says and how he looks.

Don't even bring up the fact that you were looking at the emails. There is obviously a reason that you felt you had to look. The problem I would have is if he is writing this in an email today, what will he be doing tomorrow?

What if you were married to this person, or even had children together? I would never want to be with someone I felt I could not trust.
JMO