Kinda OT: going back to work - - need advice!!

[TheLittleRoo]

I'm in a pickle over my job prospects, mainly complicated by my decision to get a divorce, and which job would best support me AND make life better for my kids.

Here's the deal: I used to work for a large financial company making $90K and working largely from a home-based office, other than the times I was meeting with clients. Travel was about 20-30% of a month, so 1-2 days per week. This translated into some stress for me in finding overnight childcare IF my husband was also traveling.

Fast forward two years, and my old boss called to entice me into coming back to work for him at the same company, but this time, my clients would be in another state, so my travel will be about 4 days every two weeks (2 clients x 2 days at each site). He knows my child situation, and would somewhat accomodate me as long as the client relationship was thriving. Same salary, good benefits, car allowance, etc.

My concerns are: my husband travels a LOT, most of it last minute international emergency type things. He's gone for 2 weeks to 3 months at a time. I don't think he would win full custody even if he tried, but I worry that my travel might be used against me in a divorce. I also worry more about my kids' mental well-being if BOTH parents were away at the same time, which might happen occasionally. I could have my mom come stay with them when/if this happened but I still think it might traumatize them and that worries me.

Additionally, my salary would then approach my husband's, and my divorce attorney says I shouldn't be at parity with him if I can help it because it would negatively affect child support. This doesn't make sense to me, because if I'm earning more, isn't my standard of living better for my new little household? He will still have to contribute half of childcare and child upkeeping, so am I missing something?

So, it boils down to this: should I take the job with its travel, keep looking for a similar job in a similar field that would be local and have no travel which probably pays less, or take the job and keep looking all the while for a better local job?

Any advice? I can't ask my friends or family because I don't want them to know yet about my plans for a divorce.

Thanks!

 

[mjbaby]

I don't much about the whole child support issue, but I do know that your kids won't be living with you forever. You don't say how old they are, but it seems to me just from what you've written that you need to take the long view - not only for the next couple years of money from your husband (although I do agree that he'll need to step up in terms of their emotional, educational, and financial support) but also for your overall career and funding your own retirement - not to mention whatever portion of your kids' college you'll want/need to cover.

I wouldn't think that the prospect of possibly being away at the same time as the children's father should deter you from taking a position if it's a good fit and will support your family and yourself in the long run. If the kids are young, you can hire a sitter or nanny to travel with you and bring them along. If they're older, then your mom or a buddy's mom may be able to help (no doubt there's a SAHM in the school-aged crowd - if you run in one - who'd love a little extra cash in exchange for the occasional sleepover). If there's a possibility that your kids' father might move for his job, then I think you can give even less consideration to his day-to-day schedule, because you'd be more concerned about his vacations and such and those can be usually relied upon (well, for many people that is).

There are probably some online sites that can give you more insight into child support and the relative value of maximizing the dollars now vs. long-term thinking. And maybe a second opinion from another attorney would shed some light on the subject,too. Plus, even if you put off taking a job until after your settlement, your soon-to-be-ex can always open it up again once you're making more money so less income now doesn't mean more support always, you know?

Either way, you're taking a big step and I wish you well.

 

[TheLittleRoo]

Thanks for the sound advice! My kids are both young AND older, so I'm kind of in the worst of both places. I have a middle schooler, a preschooler, and a toddler. Can't take the older child with me because of school, and the middle child would have to pay for an airplane ticket (plus the nanny's ticket), baby of course still flies free for about six more months. Maybe driving would be the answer but that's probably an eight hour drive, so then again, maybe not.

The long range picture is the best way to look at this. The stability of my marriage is what has prompted me to start looking for work, especially in my old company where I was highly respected (totally not respected in my SAHM role, let me tell you!). If I can get my feet underneath me financially for a time, I can probably make some better decisions about my future without having them tempered by fear (always makes for poor decisions, I've found...)

We will definitely move in about 2 years. We relocated to a very expensive NE coastal area for his job, and cannot afford to live here separately any longer than absolutely necessary. Getting a divorce will actually give me MORE leverage in our negotiations of WHERE to move once the time comes to get out of here. Otherwise, DH would've just picked his family's home state and told me to stuff it. Seriously. In a divorce, we would have to agree in order to avoid losing custody of the children.

Please, any other opinions are welcome and appreciated! Thanks!

 

[mjbaby]

So you're talking of a limited time of overlap in terms of your schedules being conducted in the same town. Stressful, but doable. As for the travel costs, a couple months of travel should start earning you some miles redeemable for seats and upgrades. Depending upon how far out your travel is, you may be able to fly in and out, do two days every week instead of four days every other week, etc. An au pair at home with overnight assistance would be not perfect (nothing ever is!) but doable. Heck, if you know you're going to move anyway and are able to work from home, any chance you can move to where your clients are? No point in looking for a local job, to me, when "local" won't be where you are for more than a couple years!

One last point and I'll sit back to hear what everyone else tells you: Don't be afraid to think outside the box. Even if your family doesn't work like every other family on the block - mom travels, extended support network in place, the kids maybe go with mom in the summer, whatever- it'll work as long as it works for you. I think we have a mythology of how familes are supposed to function and what women's roles should be that makes it hard for us to really organize our lives in optimally beneficial ways, because we so want to follow that myth. Hosting an au pair, traveling with the kids, homeschooling, living with another single mom to help with child care, doing teacher conferences via conference call, keeping two small households (on in each location) instead of one larger one...not all these (and other things!) may be right for you in the final analysis, but don't let the fact that they're not all that common deter you from considering them. You've got an opportunity to create a family life that really works and every option should be considered!

 

[staceyfe]

Do you have other job options at this point? My initial reaction is "no". Your kids are only young once. Do you really want to miss out on so much of their lives? It's a different story if you're really hurting for a job and money.

You may or may not be a religious person, but I think this advice would apply to you. Last week our pastor preached a sermon about where God is working. Basically, if you're supposed to be in a particular spot, there will be no doubts. It will feel right all over. This just doesn't feel right, to me.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[Gillian]

One last point and I'll sit back to hear what everyone else tells you: Don't be afraid to think outside the box. Even if your family doesn't work like every other family on the block - mom travels, extended support network in place, the kids maybe go with mom in the summer, whatever- it'll work as long as it works for you. I think we have a mythology of how familes are supposed to function and what women's roles should be that makes it hard for us to really organize our lives in optimally beneficial ways, because we so want to follow that myth. Hosting an au pair, traveling with the kids, homeschooling, living with another single mom to help with child care, doing teacher conferences via conference call, keeping two small households (on in each location) instead of one larger one...not all these (and other things!) may be right for you in the final analysis, but don't let the fact that they're not all that common deter you from considering them. You've got an opportunity to create a family life that really works and every option should be considered!

Agreed. An au pair might be a really good solution for you, plus any other creative thinking you can come up with.

Do you read Working Mother? I think it's a great place to get interesting ideas and support.

I'd try for the best salary I could get (although we do pay lawyers for their expertise). This isn't just about child support. It's your life & your career, your self-esteem. If you find that this particular job doesn't work out after a while, you'll have recent experience in your field and be a better candidate for a new position.

As for God, once I was agonizing over a school issue and a friend said she would pray for me to be at peace with my decision. And the next morning, I was. I'll ask for that for you, and maybe some DISers can too.

 

[Took]

First all, let me offer you a lot of support!

I've always been a working mom and so was my mom. Not everything was "perfect" (is it ever?) but I knew I was loved and cared for and it was fine. I learned a fair amount of independence and responsibility from looking after myself at home while mom was at work (dad's job as a long-haul truck driver meant he was seldom home). Quite frankly, I think it bothered me much more that dad was gone so much than that mom worked. AND, my mom's staying home with me wouldn't have made me miss him less. I learned to deal with it (just as your kids probably have done with their dad). So please don't feel guilty that you work or that you have to travel sometimes. Work is part of adult life for most of us.

As others have suggested, an au pair or a college student might fill in well and become a loved second adult, a real boon for many kids (I had one for part of my childhood and absolutely LOVE her still). My parents also relied on a neighbor who worked from home (again, almost a second mom to me) and on outside childcare. The network of people who cared for me was very helpful for my parents and for me (your middle schooler might really like a differnt young adult to talk to!).

In short, if you like this job and it pays well, you should take it. Kids ARE flexible and will adapt quite well to most situations, especially if they feel loved. Yes, "they are only young once", but they don't disappear after they're 18! You'll have LOTS of chances to bond with them. My mom (and dad) and I are quite close as adults and she's (and he's) helped a great deal with my DD.

Do what's best in the long run for YOU and your kids.

 

[shirleyb]

I guess my initial reaction would be no, too. I travel occassionally for my job -- more like 4 days every other month or so, and I know how hard it is on my 9 yo daughter. My two teenage sons don't seem to care as much, but I also know as a working mom how hard it is to get caught up on laundry etc after travelling.

I think if your kids are going through the stress of a divorce, the stress of mom being out of town so often might add to that too much.

As a working mom, we tend to be consumed by guilt as it is, think how much worse it will be when you're missing school plays, concerts, back to school nights, etc because you're out of town.

Anyhow, that's just my opinion, and I wish you the best whatever you decide.

 

[MrsPete]

So your lawyer says you shouldn't earn a good salary because it'll lower your child support. That's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. If this job is good for you, good for your family, take it and let the child support fall where it may.

The travel is another issue. How old are your children? Can you do what you need to do for them while travleing this much?

 

[Pigeon]

If you feel that you could afford an au pair or nanny with this job, then I think it would be OK. Otherwise, the constant stress of trying to find childcare will make you nuts.

 

[DisneyMomJen]

I would take the job. It is a place where you have a history, are well respected and can make good money. I have two sister-in-laws recently divorced. One has always worked full-time while the other stopped working when she had kids. The one who didn't work, refused to work during the whole divorce because it would hurt her financially. After 2+ years since the divorce has been finalized she is still trying toget on her feet financially and getting a good job. Comparing the two sisters, one did not do better financially than the other.

As far as custody, if you are working full time there is a good chance that custody will be split 50/50, depending if your husband fights for custody.

As a side note, comparing the two sisters, the sister who did not work, both her and her husband have handled themselves very well throughout the divorce and after. Kids are always affected, but to what degree depends on the parents actions. The other sister-in-law and her husband have fought 'big time' during, after and always will. Their kids have majorly been affected. I never thought that a divorce could do the damage it has done in this case.

So, I would try to get back on your feet with the job that is being offered. I would have your Mom stay with your kids when you are away. Good Luck!

 

[debbi801]

My 2 cents...

How vindictive is your soon-to-be ex-h? How messy will the divorce be? Having gone through a messy divorce and a continuously messy visitation/custody nightmare, these are questions you need to ask yourself.

If he goes out of town for travel, what would his plans be as far as the kids go? Does he plan to have a family member living with him, a nanny, etc.? Courts do not automatically put the kids with their mother any longer. At least here, father's rights are a very big deal. We had issues because I work full time in an office with very occasional travel and my ex-h worked from home full time. My ex is not a good person and isn't fit to raise a goldfish, but the courts still considered it since with himm, there would be less in the way of day care, more time at home, etc.

Custody battles are hugely expensive and don't resolve easily. If there is the slightest possibility that this could become one, you shouldd not take this job, but find one local without travel. Also, your lawyer was right regarding the child support. Judges look at the earnings of both parents a long with the percentage of time spent with each parent when determining child support paid.

Good luck.

 

[tkd lisa]

I thought I'd throw my cents in as a single working mom who has to travel.

My kids are 8th and 9th grade, I have sole custody (long story).

If I were in your shoes, I'd keep looking. My mom lives 2 hours away and stays with the kids when I travel. I know they are cared for, but it's not the same. Their school work suffers. They know they can put things over on Grandma, so they do. My DD always "just happens" to be sick when I'm gone. Honestly, she's missed 4 days of school this 9 weeks, and all but one was when I was out of town.

I'm trying desperatly to move to a different job that doesn't require travel. Being gone is just too disruptive for the kids at a time where they are already in a state of disruption.

I do hope things work out for you, but I just wanted to share my experience.

 

[Colinsmom]

Your job doesn't sound too different from mine, though I am part-time. Do you think that you could easily go work for another company in the same industry (perhaps with less travel), or would your time off as a SAHM make it hard? You could always take this job for a year or two to rebuild your resume professionally, and then move to something with less travel. At least this would keep you and the kids in a good, safe position financially through the divorce.

When you are not traveling, would you be working at home? That might offset the travel since you can have more time with the kids (breakfast, lunch, dinner) on the days you work at home vs. being in an office. Who will you use for childcare when you are working at home?

I know that a few people mentioned an au pair; we recently got one since my DH and I have weird schedules that aren't compatible with a day care, and it has a lot of positive sides. But note that you cannot have an au pair on duty (even if the kids are sleeping) for more than 10 hours per day, and no more than 45 hours per week. So if you have to travel for a couple of days, you'll still need extra help or XH to step in.

On the plus side, an au pair is pretty cost effective (at least for the Chicago area) when you have 2 or more children who need full time care since you pay a flat rate vs. a per-child rate. It costs roughly $1,000 per month, plus room and board (she needs her own bedroom with a door that closes).

 

[OceanAnnie]

Something I'd be pondering is the travel time set? It's being presented as 4 days every 2 weeks, but is there a possiblity of the time being increased? Is there someone doing the traveling for these clients now? If so, could you "tag team" the travel responsibilites? If not would the boss be open to training someone to share the travel time? Cross training is a biggie in the corporate world, I'd talk it up! Let it be known that you would be willing to cross train if you could get less travel time. Also if something happens within your family, you'd need/want a backup. It just makes sense for both the company and you.

I guess I'd see if I could whittle down the "face time" the client needs too. In today's age of hi-tech, I wonder if video conferencing, phone conferencing, and e-mails could help your company (and you). You could possibly broach the subject by stating it would be win-win by cutting down company expenses and giving you the family time that you need. Just something to think about.

You are in a good position to negotiate your terms, before you accept. And if you do get terms that are easier to live with, get it in writing!

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

My 2 cents...

How vindictive is your soon-to-be ex-h? How messy will the divorce be? Having gone through a messy divorce and a continuously messy visitation/custody nightmare, these are questions you need to ask yourself.

If he goes out of town for travel, what would his plans be as far as the kids go? Does he plan to have a family member living with him, a nanny, etc.? Courts do not automatically put the kids with their mother any longer. At least here, father's rights are a very big deal. We had issues because I work full time in an office with very occasional travel and my ex-h worked from home full time. My ex is not a good person and isn't fit to raise a goldfish, but the courts still considered it since with himm, there would be less in the way of day care, more time at home, etc.

Custody battles are hugely expensive and don't resolve easily. If there is the slightest possibility that this could become one, you shouldd not take this job, but find one local without travel. Also, your lawyer was right regarding the child support. Judges look at the earnings of both parents a long with the percentage of time spent with each parent when determining child support paid.

Good luck.

I have to add to this as well. I went to court 2 years ago after being divorced from my first husband for almost 6 years. I had sole custody as he never even went to court the first time. The time in between he barely saw our daughter let alone support her. He would even leave for a vacation for months on end with no word. Then he and his fiancee decided to take me back to court. I am a SAHM that had been married to my DH for 5 years(at that time)had 2 more kids and we lead a very normal and boring lifestyle. I was put in front of a judge that was all set to give custody over to my ex. (my ex was not a good man at all.. he told the judge he was on drugs but trying to quit and that he had threatened me on numerous occassions...I was maried young and real stupid) Father's rights groups are very big here and it is starting to show. Anyway I had to defend EVERYTHING I do. Including going to church and staying at home. I was drug through the mud for no reason. I am not trying to say anything to the OP other that be careful.... ANYTHING...even what you would never expect can be used against you.

 

[TheLittleRoo]

You guys have so much advice, and so well expressed - - all of it! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all taking the time to help me consider all the angles!

To answer some questions, my husband cheated on me twice in this marriage, and is verbally abusive toward me. I think I have God's "break glass in case of emergency" escape clause out of this marriage. He has started becoming so miserable in his own life, that the verbal abuse is spilling over to his and my children. He lifted the 4 y/o off the floor and pinned to the bathtub wall while he screamed at her for slamming her door on him. Completely inappropriate use of "discipline". What's more, he told me in a fit of rage last week at Disney (yeah, fun vacation with HIM!) that he wished he would've married the woman he slept with last year if he could've. All during our counseling, he's been saying he was sorry, that she didn't mean anything to him. That little statement in a fit of rage just told me everything he's been saying was a lie - - to keep the marriage together. For what reason, I do not know other than maybe he wants to avoid child support, or doesn't want our kids exposed to any other men (like I would do that..) but it's certainly not because he loves me and wants to make things work.

I can take a lot, but my back has broken here....

So, back to the jobs: I would like to make a career change into pharm/ medical sales but it's harder than I'd ever guessed to get into that profession, despite having always been in the top 10% of sales in my old job. Go figure. I would not work for a similar company to my old one b/c I'm just not thrilled with crunching financial number problems for F100 clients. Yeah, I can do it, and do it very well, but it's not my passion. But, this isn't about finding the color of my parachute right now, it's about getting my feet back on solid ground financially. The old job takes me 0-60 in warp speed.

I would work right here in the basement office when I'm not traveling to see the client. This is what I've done while raising the oldest two with a nanny in the house, and it's worked out really well - - when we've had a brilliant nanny. It's hard to find them, as I discovered. So, that's a big plus to be so close to them that I could still drive DD to pre-school, or have lunch with them or kick off early one afternoon and see a movie with them. The job itself is literally a 40 hour week, if that is even required. I'm very efficient and can crunch the work down to a 4 day week if I bust it. And since my learning curve is not very steep to go back to the same job I had before leaving, I expect I could work a condensed week fairly easily.

Also, the company offers to reimburse employees for overnight care when traveling, so I could theoretically apply that money to my mom's ticket out here or use it for a bonus for the nanny.

As for au pairs, I've never tried it. My experience with young nannies was that they tend to be irresponsible and boycrazy, which prevent them from properly caring for my kids. Tears, drama, late nights, and man troubles do not appeal to me vicariously through an au pair. I would love to hear from more of you who employ one, though, about how this is working out for you. With H out of the house, I wouldn't have to worry about him chasing after the nanny either, which had previously been a real concern of mine.

I'm leaning toward a live-in nanny, just for the adult conversation and the ability to run a night errand after the kids are in bed. (Grocery store, gym, etc) I have had a live in twice before and it was really handy. Both assumed housekeeping duties which took some of the load off me (light cleaning, trust me!) and I cooked for everyone, she pitched in to help me in the kitchen cleaning up, it was nice. The loss of privacy might be a bigger problem for a couple than for a single mom.

I am leaning toward taking the job, after thinking over it all day. Someone mentioned Gods plan just seeming to be what feels right? This phone call from my old boss came a day after my husband was especially angry and telling me to "get a real job" and we had a knock down argument over some of his recent actions. To me, that was a lightning bolt moment that could not be ignored as a neon "clue" from God that this job was a life preserver being thrown to me....

If it turns out to be terrible with the stress, I can always quit, any day I feel like it, with two weeks notice. I can also hang in there for 9 months and then start looking for a director or another manager position from the inside, which is a pretty good window perch to have! Lastly, I can work anywhere in the country once we finish our time in this city (again, about 2 more years). I think the pros outweigh the cons, even with the travel.

To someone's question, H is vindictive. He knows all my darkest fears from my first divorce (fighting for custody, paying the attorneys' outrageous fees to do that, not getting enough c/s to get by on, fighting over increases later for more c/s) and I'm sure he will prey on them to make me cave. Whether or not he will slice off his own nose to spite me, I'm not sure. He is smart enough to know that unless I'm a drug addict or some kind of hooker, I'm not going to end up with anything less than 50/50 custody. And ditto for him. All the rest of the bickering and legal wrangling just helps the attorneys put their own kids through college, and we both know that. When we're thinking clearly, calm heads do prevail. I think we can divorce respectfully, AFTER a period of nasty fighting is over, and he realizes a divorce is inevitable. I think he could make the best of it, yes.

And his own travel makes a poor argument for him getting even 50/50 living arrangements. He could literally get a call and be expected to board a plane for anywhere in the world in less than 6 hours. And be gone for an undetermined amount of time. He has been sent to combat zones for 90 days four times in the past 3 years. Not good when compared to my measly 8 days a month, POTENTIAL travel.... And I could make those trips into day trips and come home each and every night, if he started threatening me with my own travel schedule. I know my old boss would allow that in a travel budget.

Wow, I've written a novel! Sorry for that, but wanted to clarify some of your questions. Thanks again for all the well thought advice!

 

[shirleyb]

Best of luck to you and your kids, it sounds like you've got your head on straight and truly thought this through. I'm one of the ones that spoke up against travel, but I also think if it feels right, go for it.

 

[Anne34]

Never having been through a divorce, I just want to wish you good luck. You and your children need to be out of that situation and this sounds like a good way for you to do it. We all have to do things that we're not sure about, but it sounds like you have it worked out pretty well.

 

[Colinsmom]

As for au pairs, I've never tried it. My experience with young nannies was that they tend to be irresponsible and boycrazy, which prevent them from properly caring for my kids. Tears, drama, late nights, and man troubles do not appeal to me vicariously through an au pair. I would love to hear from more of you who employ one, though, about how this is working out for you. With H out of the house, I wouldn't have to worry about him chasing after the nanny either, which had previously been a real concern of mine.

Our au pair has been here almost 2 months, and there are good things and not so good things about it. She is 19, so yes, quite young. But more mature than most 19yo kids, I'd say. She is wonderful with the kids (4yo and 7mo) and they adore her. Our au pair is a homebody, which is probably my biggest complaint. I'd like to get her out of the house (without us) a little more often. But we're working on that. There's been no boy-chasing, and I don't expect a whole lot from our particular au pair, some tears (when we've had to ask her to do something differently), and some drama (from the other au pairs that she hangs out with). Our other big issue with her is that her housekeeping standards are quite a bit lower than ours (which aren't high by any means). But we're working on that, and trying to make our expectations as clear as possible. We also have very clear rules about no phone calls and no internet while working (among many other things) to help her focus on the kids when she is on duty.

Obviously, the au pair experience depends a lot on the au pair. We chose to go through an agency (www.culturalcare.com) because, among other things, they will replace the au pair if she doesn't meet our expectations.

I'd probably prefer a live-in professional nanny, but honestly, good ones are hard to find around here, they can leave with short notice, and it would be a huge strain on the budget.

PM me if you'd like to talk more about au pairs - I'd be happy to answer any questions that you have!