Kids Who Cry

[liamandcaili]

I really have spoiled him. His father was essentially gone for the first two years of his life (military) and then I started working outside the home, and put him in daycare which I felt insanely guilty about, so I spoiled him to make up for it, and after a couple years of that, had another baby so I left work again, but by that time his father was heading off on another military assignment and gone for another year....

My DH is military too, and I understand completely how hard it must have been for you to be both mom and dad. Don't feel guilty about the early spoiling.

Anyway, I think you have received a lot of good advice on this thread. I send my son(8) to his room when he misbehaves or acts out. If he refuses or he really starts slamming things around up in his room, then I start taking things away. He really likes his Gameboy, so that is always the first thing to go. This summer, we are working on a system of rewards for him to earn the right to have my old computer in his room. He is very eager to earn it...we haven't quite worked out all the details yet...but the basic idea is he will get stars for good behavior and if he gets the right number by the end of the summer, he gets the computer.

As other people have said, whatever rules you put in place (and they should be very specific) you have to stick with them. If you take a privilege away, you can't give it back once the crying fit ends. DS will try to talk me into giving things back..."But Mom...I'll be good for the rest of the day!!"...and there was a time I did, but I've figured out that this doesn't work. He didn't ever take my punishments seriously. Sometimes I feel like the meanest mom in the world, but oh well. The sooner he figures out that he can't always get his way in this world, the better.

The tantrums haven't stopped entirely, but they have lessened, and he is able to control himself around other kids.

This may sound stupid, but I started crying/whining back and that seems to work best.

I've done this too, but it usually just makes my DS madder. I did read a funny story once about a mom who had her child (around 7 or 8) in the grocery store, and the child started having a tantrum. So the mom got down on the floor and started screaming too. The kid was so embarassed that he begged his mom to get up. I can't imagine myself ever doing this, but I had to admire the mom for taking a creative approach.

 

[va32h]

Something you may want to consider, is this an issue in school, and if so, has the school looked into testing for developmental issues. I ask because my 8 yr old is like this and has been since he was little....We just thought he was being a "crybaby"......He actually was diagnosed last year with Aspberger's. One of the criteria for this syndrome is that they cannot regulate their emotional responses. So they "overreact" in most situations, or do not react at all. They also have trouble with social situations (partially because of their reactions), and because they have a difficult time reading other people. He has been receiving social skills help,and has greatly improved. He is becoming more "flexible" (this was a biggie for him!!) and has started initiating play with other kids, and has finally been able to form a couple of solid friendships. But it is a long road. Again, no saying this is what is going on with your child, but you may want to look into it.

Thank you for your concern (and everyone's, lots of good ideas here) but I really don't think my son has any developmental problems.

If he does, so do most children on the planet, based on the number of people who have responded in this thread and in PMs that their child behaves exactly the same way.

I suppose I could be in deep denial, but I just can't equate every annoying childhood behavior with some kind of disorder.

He is spoiled and used to getting his way. Not unlike his father was when I first met him actually, and the revelation that I may be like my mother in law (treating my son like a pampered prince!) is enough to scare me into toughening up.

 

[ilovejack02]

I've done this too, but it usually just makes my DS madder. I did read a funny story once about a mom who had her child (around 7 or 8) in the grocery store, and the child started having a tantrum. So the mom got down on the floor and started screaming too. The kid was so embarassed that he begged his mom to get up. I can't imagine myself ever doing this, but I had to admire the mom for taking a creative approach.

LOL ive done that too, and OH MY you should see how MAD it makes my kid, Which is actually pretty fun to watch my 4 yr olds head look like it wants to explode

 

[Hillbeans]

I'm bumping this thread because I was going to post something similar about my DS5. When he's playing in our yard with the neighbor kids it ends 9 times out of 10 with him crying. He also has one of those loud voices that travels. I am really at a loss how to handle it, but earlier in this thread I saw the idea about a sticker chart/reward thing. Unfortunately he's always cried a lot, even in his sleep. He is a happy kid and I don't hear from the teachers that he is like this at school, but I can't imagine he's not at least a little bit.

 

[DisneyTravelers2008]

I am no expert here. But DD whines a lot. She is 7 and it is much better but ages 2-5 weer pretty bad.


I think, for her, it had a lot to do with how we reacted to it. THe goal was to ignore the whining or give negative reinforcement.

Sometimes I caught myself giving in just to get her to stop. Eventually it got better. At this point, it is rarely an issue. But it sure was frustrating at the time. Jsut be aware of how you are reacting to it...that is my suggestion

 

[marcyinPA]

ok....Your son may have a developmental lag in his capacity to handle disappointment. He easily becomes overwhelmed and sad, displaying this by crying over things that most children his age would let pass without such a strong reaction. But, over time, he will develop a better capacity to manage life's ups and downs. It's in that sense that you can't directly help him. Development will have to run its course. There are things you can do, and I'm sure you are doing them. While being attentive and supportive when necessary, also frame things in a realistic fashion: 'I know it feels like a big disappointment, but you can handle it. What can you do to make it better?' or, "OK, your ball is in the neighbors yard and you are scared of the squirrels. Well, since you are such a big guy, I am sure the squirrels are more scared of you! Now, how can you go about getting that ball back?" And, when he's doing fine, chat with him a little (not long explanations) about how he tends to make mountains out of molehills, that sort of thing. You might take a look at Stanley Greenspan's The Challenging Child. You'll see a section on The Highly Sensitive Child, and will probably ring a bell!

This sounds just like my DS, who is now 15. When he was younger, he could not deal with things...stuff that was "unusual" or that happened infrequently. I remember one time, being at a friends house late into the evening. My DS must have been in 3rd grade. He stepped in their dogs water dish, with just socks on. He became unglued. He just didn't know how to handle it. It upset him, and he freaked out. The more I tried to calm him, the louder he got. And then I got mad, yelled at him, and he became even worse.

And then, once in 6th grade, his friend didn't show up at their meeting spot after school to walk home. He started to cry, in fear that his friend would be mad at him.

I will tell you, it's gotten WAY WAY WAY better. He no longer cries when things go wrong. (thank goodness, since he's a sophomore in HS now!) He has learned how to deal.

We spent a lot of time with him as he grew up, telling him not to sweat the small stuff!

 

[kristilew]

I'm bumping this thread because I was going to post something similar about my DS5. When he's playing in our yard with the neighbor kids it ends 9 times out of 10 with him crying. He also has one of those loud voices that travels. I am really at a loss how to handle it, but earlier in this thread I saw the idea about a sticker chart/reward thing. Unfortunately he's always cried a lot, even in his sleep. He is a happy kid and I don't hear from the teachers that he is like this at school, but I can't imagine he's not at least a little bit.

Well, since this thread is 3 years old, it would be interesting to see if OP is still around, and if anything worked or if her son is still crying everytime he doesn't get his way.

fwiw, sometimes kids don't have a clear idea of how they SHOULD handle a situation. Instead of just telling them not to cry, they need a clear script of acceptable ways to handle conflict in play. They you can make permission to play contingent on good communication skills - you may go out as long as you remember how to act....you have resorted to crying, obviously you are not ready to play and must come in for a rest.

 

[Hillbeans]

Well, since this thread is 3 years old, it would be interesting to see if OP is still around, and if anything worked or if her son is still crying everytime he doesn't get his way.

fwiw, sometimes kids don't have a clear idea of how they SHOULD handle a situation. Instead of just telling them not to cry, they need a clear script of acceptable ways to handle conflict in play. They you can make permission to play contingent on good communication skills - you may go out as long as you remember how to act....you have resorted to crying, obviously you are not ready to play and must come in for a rest.

I know...that's sort of why I bumped instead of starting the same thread...I know it's normal for 5 year olds to cry over stuff occasionally but I guess my almost 10 year old never acted this way at that age.

I do now tell him when he has a meltdown outside playing with the neighbor kids that he needs to come in, stop crying, and he can go back outside when he stops. I think part of the issue is that the neighbor kids are all older by a few years and are bigger and play harder, but he wants to play with them, so he has to learn how to deal with it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sometimes. If it were an issue of him being sensitive - I would understand and empathize. And I do understand and empathize when he is upset because a friend can't play or he scrapes his knee.

But he cries mainly when he doesn't get exactly what he wants, when he wants.

Examples:

DS: "Can we order pizza tonight?"
Me: "Not tonight dear, I already started dinner."
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

or

Me: "Five minutes til bedtime."
DS: "But I'm watching TV."
Me: "No, it's time for bed."
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

or

DS: "Can I go play at (friend's) house?"
Me: "Not now (it's too dark, they aren't home, we have to go someplace).
DS: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

You get the picture. If I tell him to go cry in his room, rather than disrupt all of us, he stomps in there and starts screaming "I never get to do anything. You hate me. Everybody hates me. I have no friends." Etc. Etc.

It's gotten to the point where we all dread having to say anything that is going to displease him - we don't cater to him - we just gear up for a four alarm crying fit whenever he hears the word no. Which, by the way, he never accepts as the answer. He will whine and whine until I am about to go insane.

When I was a kid if I ever thought of behaving like this my mother would have told me to go to my room and stay there yill I was human again and I could say all sorts of thing s about her hating me which she would ignore.

He does his behavior because it gets a reaction of some sort. Once it stops getting he desired reaction, it will stop.