Kids disagreements/arguments..healthy?

[Disney1fan2002]

When i was growing up, I fought and argued with my siblings on a daily basis. My mom and dad stayed out of it, if only to tell us to shut up.

When my kids argue, I find myself resolving it for them. I just don't want to listen to it.

Am I doing them a disservice by butting in? They should learn how to resolve their own conflicts, right?

It is so hard for me NOT to get involved. I should just let the 8 and 10 yr old go at it, but I do need to help out the 6yo, because the older kids take advantage of him. But, I pretty much wish I could be more like my mother, and not feel like I need to get involved at all.

Do you let your kids resolve their own conflicts, or do you "help" them out?

 

[mickeyboat]

That's a tough one. Sometimes it's really hard not to jump in and resolve issues for them. You're right, I just don't want to listen to it anymore.

But it is a disservice to solve all their problems for them. They need to learn conflict resolution, too.

I usually tell them not to tattle on each other unless someone is getting hurt. I also make sure when they come to me with a dispute that instead of solving it for them, I help them resolve it on their own. I like to ask them, what do you think should happen? And we work on it from there. I taught them how to use the kitchen timer, so if they are fighting over a toy or sometime, they can take timed turns.

But there are times, when I've had enough, I turn into mean mommy, and it ends up that I take away whatever it is they are fighting over.

Denae

 

[golfgal]

Yes, you are doing a disservice to them. They need to learn to work things out for themselves and to a point, your 6 year old needs to learn not to be taken advantage of by the older kids, but that is a hard one.

My mom always 'solved' our arguments by separating us. We never worked anything out. I think that is part of why none of us get along to this day. My kids argue but not anywhere near the amount we did. I do let them work it out. I will get involved if one of them is intentionally causing a problem (usually our oldest) and then THAT child gets into trouble.

 

[Evil Queen]

I'd say let them go at solving it themselves, unless it becomes physical.

I can only remember 3 situations as us 4 were growing up that it became more than merely working it out and became physical.

I tried to stab my sister in the hand with a fork, my brother tried to push my sister off a roof, and my oldest sis went after next older sister with fists flying. So those were horrible situations. Thank goodness no one got hurt.

I am the "baby", brother is 5 years older than me, one sister 7 years older and other sister 8 years older.

But to this day us 4 are so close it's amazing.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I'd say let them go at solving it themselves, unless it becomes physical.

I can only remember 3 situations as us 4 were growing up that it became more than merely working it out and became physical.

I tried to stab my sister in the hand with a fork, my brother tried to push my sister off a roof, and my oldest sis went after next older sister with fists flying. So those were horrible situations. Thank goodness no one got hurt.

I am the "baby", brother is 5 years older than me, one sister 7 years older and other sister 8 years older.

But to this day us 4 are so close it's amazing.

My mom always 'solved' our arguments by separating us. We never worked anything out. I think that is part of why none of us get along to this day.

I grew up with 11 siblings, and not a day went by that one of us or even two of us did not try to kill each other. My older sibling literally tortured us younger kids. I don't know how my mom kept her sanity. I only have 3, and they drive me close to insane.

There is something to it, though. Like fighting when you are young brings you closer as adults. My Dh hardly talks to his brother's as adults, as kids they were never really involved with each other enough TO fight. That is sad.

Their fighting drives me crazy, but when I think of how my DH grew up, it is music to my ears.

I am going to stay out of it.

 

[Keli]

I grew up with 11 siblings, and not a day went by that one of us or even two of us did not try to kill each other. My older sibling literally tortured us younger kids. I don't know how my mom kept her sanity. I only have 3, and they drive me close to insane.

There is something to it, though. Like fighting when you are young brings you closer as adults. My Dh hardly talks to his brother's as adults, as kids they were never really involved with each other enough TO fight. That is sad.

I gotta tell you that I don't agree with your mom's way of handling things. I don't think anyone should have to live being tormented by someone else. And coming from a family with 8 siblings I also know about the dynamics of dealing with lots of people (and having lots of conflicts with them, lol!)

My mom didn't allow us to fight/argue. If she heard us she'd tell us to stop fighting. If we didn't then she'd punish both of us unless it was really, really obvious that one party was the problem. It didn't keep us from ever fighting or arguing but it kept us from doing it over trivial stuff. It just wasn't worth getting in trouble about unless you really cared.

Overall we didn't fight very often and we are incredibly close today. We're a tight knit group.

 

[golfgal]

I gotta tell you that I don't agree with your mom's way of handling things. I don't think anyone should have to live being tormented by someone else. And coming from a family with 8 siblings I also know about the dynamics of dealing with lots of people (and having lots of conflicts with them, lol!)

My mom didn't allow us to fight/argue. If she heard us she'd tell us to stop fighting. If we didn't then she'd punish both of us unless it was really, really obvious that one party was the problem. It didn't keep us from ever fighting or arguing but it kept us from doing it over trivial stuff. It just wasn't worth getting in trouble about unless you really cared.

Overall we didn't fight very often and we are incredibly close today. We're a tight knit group.

You're the youngest aren't you????

 

[Hannathy]

My Mom stayed out of it and I had the bruises to show for it. My sister that was 6 1/2 yrs older than me used me as her slave! While not liking it at the time it really taught me how to stand up for myself (no one gets by me in line!) and also how to solve a problem or retaliate depending on the case without using physical force. The physical stuff mostly stopped when I gave her a bloody nose when I was about 11, and I am very small she is 7 inches taller than me.
I let my kids argue but I don't let my 14 yr old "beat up" on her 7 yr old brother as much 'cause there are child abuse reporting regulations now! But I let them go at it a bit. Believe me he is going to kill her soon, we keep warning her.
I don't think it has alot to do with how close you are as adults. My Sister and I are close but not like girlfriends because we have totally different interests and personalities but we talk 1-2x a week, spend holidays together, take vacations together etc. My DH who never fought with his siblings rarely talks to them sees them about once a year.