Kids at funeral? Long

[Spinning]

As some of you know I have a very dear friend who is dying. She is now under the care of Hospice. My DD is very close to this family and I have been very up front about the situation. DD is almost 9. She has been to 1 funeral when she was 4 (small family funeral maybe 20 people) and to one veiwing. But both of those were older people and it was easier to explain why they died. And to tell you the truth less emotional for me.
I told her no to the funeral but I am wondering about the veiwing. I have no idea if they will have one or what I should do.
DD has be so loving and kind to my friend. Sending art work, beaded necklaces, notes etc.....She has made me very proud at how loving she has been. Even one time we were over picking up my friends kids and I went up to the bed room to see her. She didn't have her wig on. No big deal to me. But then DD came up to give her a piece of pottery she had made. My friend quickly appolgized to DD about not having her wig on and my DD didn't even flinch she said she looked fine and it was ok. Then she gave her the pot, said I love you and bounced out.
I feel she needs some type of closure but I don't know if I or my DH can give her the support she will need through it. Any ideas? this whole thing is so tramatic for me I don't even know how I will hold up through a funeral. I am not the most sappy person but I start to cry even when I think about her dying. Any input would be helpful.

 

[mrsstats]

Not having any children I may not be the best to give advise but I think if she wants to go you should let her. I would not force her to do anything when she gets there but let her do what she feels is the right thing. Grief is part of life and this may help her later in life.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think taking her to the viewing would be good. But then again in my families everyone went to viewings and funerals, so it doesn't seem unnatural to my kids. They have been to many viewings and funerals since they were babies.

 

[Serena]

I think she deserves the right to go if she wants. You can tell her about what to expect, and tell her that you will be crying. You might enlist the help of an older cousin or friend to go with you to help with her if you know of someone.

But she has shown maturity and love and kindness. She will be alright. Just make sure she knows that she doesn't have to do anything there that she doesn't want to do.

My oldest was that age when my mom died. Bri told me grandma was finally without pain. She was happy for her that she was able to go to heaven. She spent the time drawing pictures, to put in the casket, and taking care of Kelsea while I did my best to keep from falling apart.
Bri comforted me, just her sense of peace about the whole thing.

Kelsea was about 1 at the time and ran around and kept everyone smiling.

Children give us hope for the future. And take us out of the pain for a few moments. It gives us something else to think about just for a minute or two.

 

[nativetxn]

Ask your daughter what she wants to do. She sounds like a mature and caring human being, ask her what she wants. If she wants to go to the viewing and/or funeral then you should allow her to attend.

Katholyn

 

[Kae]

As a child my parents never took us to viewings or the service. so the first time I went to one I was 20 & it was my Best friend. I think that made it alot tougher. Take her to the viewing & together you can decide about the service. she might be a great comfort to you on that day. Follow your heart.

Kae

 

[CamColt]

Sounds like a great kid. Id explain everything and give her the option. She sounds mature enough to make a decsion.
Prayers & pixie dust to you all to get through this tough time!!!

 

[eek40]

I have to echo everyone else...if she wants to go I would let her. My cousin died when I was about 8 and I didnt get to go to the funeral, adding in some insenitive teacher that told me if I would have told him I loved him he wouldnt have died and I was sure that I wasnt allowed to go because I killed him...(I do know now that this was untrue) but it did take some time. I never was able to really mourn Kirk, he was only 16. As hard as it would have been for my parents and for you let her go if she choses to.
Just my opinion of course
Aimee

 

[momsgonwild]

Another ditto. If she feels she wants to go to the funeral and viewing, I would let her decide. I might take her earlier than the viewing, if can be arranged, and see how she handles it. She may change her mind. Lot of Prayers for All of You!

 

[m&m's mom]

I would definitety let her go.
I was going to family funerals for as long as I can remember.
When I was 7 there were 13 people in my close family (Grandparents, Great Uncles and Aunts) that were over 70.
For a while there we were afraid my teachers would think we were making them up. Fortunately we live in same small town and they knew my family.

 

[tar heel]

I would probably take her to the funeral NOT the viewing. Since she is seeing your friend regularly, I don't think she will need proof that she has died. I think it would be appropriate to hear the person she cares about being memorialized, but I personally don't find seeing a dead body necessary, especially one the undertakers have had ahold of. When my grandmother died, I found it comforting to see her lying in her hospital bed b/c she looked peaceful and was no longer suffering. I found the made-up, embalmed body, however, to be grotesque.

I was taken to viewings regularly when I was a child and I had a LOT of worries about it -- about what the undertakers had done, what the rest of the body looked like, how the casket worked, exactly why there was so much make-up, etc. I don't think it was particularly healthy. My dh was past 30 and married the first time he saw an embalmed body. Two of my children have never seen one -- the other saw a friend's brother. My dh's family doesn't do viewings; mine does and I know I'll eventually have to deal with it with my children.

 

[Michelle GT]

I am so sorry to hear about your heartship. You know your daughter and maybe you could try to talk to her and see if she would want to go. If she does go, I would make it brief. She seems very mature and sensitive so don't underestimate her ability to handle it. Bottom line- do what you believe in your heart to be right for her.
I wish you all comfort in the coming days.

 

[Nancy]

My best friends father died just last week, her daughter is 11. "papa" had cancer and Lisa wayched him deteriorate for the last 2 months. Jean explained to her all about the wake and the funeral itself and let Lisa make up her mind. Lisa decided to not go to the wake, but she came to the funeral. She handled t very well until the cemetary...I think that's where it finally sunk in that it was final. Her Dad walked her away from the gravesight because she was having a rough time. My 3 girls were very small when my dad died. (1, 4 and 6). We took them to the funeral parlor for just a few minutes before it got busy and then friends took them for the rest of the day. They did not go to the funeral...way too small. I thought they were ok, but 1 week later my 4 yr old just started crying at dinner and when i asked her what was wrong she sobbed "I don't want to die!" I wish i would never had taken them at such a young age.

They actually all went to the wake for my BF's Dad without me even asking them too.

 

[imsayin]

I would take her to both if she wants to go. My 7 & 10 y/o went to a funeral last year and handled it fine. Unfortunately, dealing with death is part of growing up. If you communicate with her about what is going on , she will be fine. I find being open and honest works well. My kids currently have two sick elderly grandparents and DD10 often asks about the funerals for them - where will they be, who will be there, will she go to the wake, will she go to the funeral, etc. We have been completely honest with them on the conditions of both parents, and so far it has worked out.

 

[Spinning]

Thank you for all the input and info. I guess when the time actually comes I will know what to do. I never questioned when it was an older relative I knew when the kids should or should not be there. But this one is so tough. I guess because I am afraid I may not be able to support her or answer her questions during it. This has been so tragic for me. I am very close to my friend and have become part of their family.
We have been very up front with both kids about her medical condition and what could happend and now what we know will happen.
Thanks again for the support.

 

[poohtown]

Originally posted by tar heel
I would probably take her to the funeral NOT the viewing. Since she is seeing your friend regularly, I don't think she will need proof that she has died. I think it would be appropriate to hear the person she cares about being memorialized, but I personally don't find seeing a dead body necessary, especially one the undertakers have had ahold of.

my kids have always attended both for family members, but I have to agree with tar heel that the viewing is more intense sometimes than the funeral.

 

[cuterlt]

I have to preface this with saying when I was younger, I had some very bad experiences that involved viewing the body of someone I loved. Those experiences have stayed with me over the years. That said, I'm sure if you talk to your daughter and explain what's involved, she can probably make a good, informed decision about it.
Is there someone you can have go with you in case you're too emotional to deal with your daughter? Someone who's not as involved with your dear friend? That seems to be your big concern if I'm reading your posts correctly.
My thoughts are with you - loss is always difficult. And my thoughts are with your daughter - she sounds like a very special child.

 

[Luv2Roam]

That is a hard one. As someone noted these are experiences that stay with you through life.
She seems aware of the situation and is old enough to understand. I would just make sure there is open communication on what to expect. Although I am sure that is in place already.
Funerals really are for the living. They help our minds adjust to the person being gone and is a time to show our respect.

This may help her understand death a little better.
Just let her make her choice. If it is like most funerals, the kids stick together anyway and everyone seems to cope better that way. It brings some daily life back into the situation.

 

[bubba's mom]

DS is 5 and 3/4 and has been to at least half a dozen funerals in his short life already. We figured if he attended, paid respects and we explained to him what all was going on, he would accept it as a matter of life..... We wanted him to know that life does end and you need to live while you are here.....too bad we can't all live forever..... He has asked questions and has never had a problem with dealing with the person's passing (and has never had any trouble "behaving" at funerals either). I think the longer it takes to be exposed to the finality of a funeral, the harder it is. Your daughter seems so mature for her age, I think it will be good for her to go and have closure. Be sure to talk about it though....it is a time to be together and share and celebrate your loved one's life....I wouldn't leave her out. JMHO......