Kids and hitting adults

[justhat]

Megan, I hope you don't think I meant you when I said that thing about the excuse cause I didn't at all. I meant that we don't let Madison use that as her excuse, like "Mommy I'm tired and grouchy so that's why I did it" kinda thing.

And Madison is all about saying "bless you" too-I guess the "hitters" have their nice side to them too!

 

[megan4777]

Megan, I hope you don't think I meant you when I said that thing about the excuse cause I didn't at all. I meant that we don't let Madison use that as her excuse, like "Mommy I'm tired and grouchy so that's why I did it" kinda thing.

And Madison is all about saying "bless you" too-I guess the "hitters" have their nice side to them too!

NO, I didn't think that at all. I think that was mostly me trying to talk myself into thinking that I'm not excusing her behavior!!
Seriously, I am so shocked that DD#1 started hitting I am beside myself.

I guess we're raising "closet hitters." They're polite and sweet to everyone but their parents in the home.
Sorry, I couldn't resist...

I edited to add...I'm sorry if I came off that I was offended...I so totally appreciate all of this it's not even funny

 

[Aidensmom]

I think there are a lot of us that have very "passionate" children. Sure, some kids are very laid back and never try to hit. But some are strong willed and emotional, and it is natural for them to try it out. It has NOTHING to do with parenting ability, it is the child's personality.

We went through a big hitting stage too. It is a hard thing to deal with. I heard people tell me to put him in time out, that was all that was needed, so many times that I was ready to hit the people telling me that! Sure, you can put your kid in time out, and it bothers them enought to change their behavior. Put mine in time out, and it made him want to hit more because he was emotional.

Then he started getting in trouble at Pre-K for hitting....and it made me think about it more...

When he did hit me or try to hit me, I would grab his wrists so he could not anymore, and firmly tell him no hitting. Tried and tried. As soon as I let go, he would try to hit again. At school, something made him upset, his first impulse was to hit...

I finally realized, that for my son, it was not so much a want to hit, but a lack of impulse control. I taught him (and we practiced it) that when something upset him, first thing to do was clasp his hands behind his back. No matter what. Then he could speak, yell, scream, whatever, what it was that was bothering him. Worked like a charm. He hardly even yells anymore, but just states it matter of factly. And he doesn't hit.

 

[justhat]

No, don't worry, but I didn't want you to think that as a fellow hitter-raiser I was being unsupportive. I admit I was shocked too at first, especially the 1st time at 18 months but we chalked that up to starting school and probably seeing others hit. It went away fast so we forgot it, but now that it's reared its ugly head again we're surprised this time cause we thought we 'conquered' that months ago. And I love the term closet hitters!

 

[megan4777]

Ok, my DD#1 goes beyond "passionate" and into hellraiser territory when she starts swinging. NOONE believes me but my DH and mom.

I tried the whole "holding" thing but unfortunately she kicked and flung herself around so hard that she had red "Indian burns" against her one arm. You could literally see where my fingers were on her arm. I was so petrified of taking her out in public like that we kept her at home.

We have taken tv privledges away from her so she's "hurting" somewhat right now.

 

[Aneille]

Aneille, another good books is "When Sophie Gets Angry, Very Very Angry". Madison loves this book (they have it at her school which is how I found out about it) and when she gets angry we talk about that and she always adds "like Sophie". We'll have to get the book you mentioned too, though I guess she might be a bit young for it right now, but always good to have on hand! Oh, and my 4th child is my first too. I worked in a daycare-15-27 month class-but Madison gave me a whole new outlook on parenting!

We own that book as well. She likes them both but for whatever reason she gets something more out of the "I'm Mad" book. I think its because it prompts her to answer. BTW my 4 year old can't read it really. What I mean is she has it memorized so she can turn the pages and recite it to herself.

My oldest is great in school too. She only had to be placed in "time out" once that I know of this year. Her teacher said she is a leader in class and well behaved.

Things do get better. I have to remind myself that all the time. We can go weeks now where we don't have any real outburts. Just normal behaviour for her age. And she never hits me anymore. The hitting started near 3 and ended before she was 4.

But intensive kids sure are draining aren't they?

Oh and back to the OP, my kids are never allowed to hit. If they hit me or anyone else like that at any family outing or at the store, whereever, we go home. Heck once at Disneyworld we spent the whole afternoon in the room after something that happened at Epcot. I dragged her out of the park and back to our room.

So although hitting can be normal and its more of a problem for some kids than others, ignoring it completely and passing it off because its normal isn't going to help. It may be "normal" but it still needs to be addressed. Parents are there to help teach their children to learn what is acceptable and what isn't and to teach them how to follow the rules of our society. Hitting is just not allowed.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I have a question though for everyone who says it shouldn't be tolerated. How do you stop it? Aside from telling them no, time outs, taking away toys, stopping the activity, leaving the restaurant, telling them to use their words instead of their hands, what do you do? We do all of what I mentioned (plus more that I can't think of right now) but can't say I've seen a decrease in the hitting.

I think the OP is upset that nothing is being done about the hitting. My Dnephew is 2.5 and he hits my Dsis, no one else. He hits her because he can get away with it. Usually its when he doesn't want to do something. Finally this week my DS has decided that enough is enough. She has finally started with the time outs, taking away toys, etc. I know in my case it was not the hitting so much as the frustration that my DS felt like she was his personal punching bag.

Now, as for hitting when they get older I have the perfect solution. My two DSDs moved in when they were 6 and 8 and had a real hitting problem with each other. We outlawed hitting. Told them we wouldn't hit them, they couldn't hit us and they couldn't hit each other. They were about 9 and 11 when one day that just started whacking at each other. I came up with the perfect solution. My kitchen and bathroom got cleaned - floors were scrubbed on their hands and knees, tub, toilet, etc. After, I used to tease them that the house needed cleaning and could they do me a favor and take a swing at each other. Worked like a charm. They never raised their hands to each other again (or at least tattled about it).

 

[Ava83]

Knock on wood, but Ava was/is a hitter..(it may recur you never know)We did try everything also. It was bad for a bit-she is really opinonated for a 3 year old and is very "sprited" We stood firm on the punishement for about six months (we still do,its the process I am talking about) and now all we have to do is threaten one of two things and behavior good. I also think preschool helped and turning 3 helped..she recognizes emotions and whatnot more now...

 

[robinb]

Oh and back to the OP, my kids are never allowed to hit. If they hit me or anyone else like that at any family outing or at the store, whereever, we go home. Heck once at Disneyworld we spent the whole afternoon in the room after something that happened at Epcot. I dragged her out of the park and back to our room.

I once carried my DD out of MGM literally kicking and screaming. As I cleared the gates I saw a pregnant woman who gave me the evilist look. I gritted my teeth and said "Your time will come!" and continued to the car.

 

[Ava83]

I once carried my DD out of MGM literally kicking and screaming. As I cleared the gates I saw a pregnant woman who gave me the evilist look. I gritted my teeth and said "Your time will come!" and continued to the car.

MGM almost took us out also...

 

[malibuconlee]

Tigger&Belle, RadioNate, justhat, & Christine:

Thank you for speaking up! Sometimes in the DIS-land of perfect parents I feel so alone. Like many of you, I thought I "knew it all" before I became a parent. I was not going to raise a brat! Then came Celia, the little cherub in my signature. Independent. Strong willed. Smart. Knows what she wants. All very good traits for a young woman. All of them together very bad traits in a young child. She is just starting to learn how to control her emotions.

I too made it clear that hitting was not OK. I too tried everything when she was younger (time outs, removal of toys, being "grounded" from her friends, no TV) and still ended up being hit and kicked. I even tried spanking to no avail. She is finally putting two and two together that hitting me means that something unpleasant will happen immediately (usually no friends or no TV) to her and she now catches herself in mid-swing. She's 6 1/2 and I see light at the end of the tunnel. We also have a big problem with snit fits (tantrums which used to turn into hitting). Now that the hitting is tamed, we're working on the tantrums with the same technique of removing privileges. I just think she had to be old enough for the privileges to mean anything to her.

The difference in your situation and my nephews is that you're at least trying. They do nothing.

By the way, your daughter is very cute.

DH actually reminded me last night that one of the hits at the table the 3 yo reached over and grabbed his mom's shirt to get her attention, then pulled her close so he could hit her.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

The difference in your situation and my nephews is that you're at least trying. They do nothing.

By the way, your daughter is very cute.

DH actually reminded me last night that one of the hits at the table the 3 yo reached over and grabbed his mom's shirt to get her attention, then pulled her close so he could hit her.

That's very true and they are not doing a service to your nephew by not even trying to change his behavior. I don't understand it. He will only get bigger and stronger and will hurt them one day. He won't magically change if they don't expect and teach him to change. He may improve, but not from anything that they are doing. Maybe when he goes to school because he is expected to behave in school, but probably not there, either, and he'll be the kid who the teacher calls and the parents defend. Afterall, their perfect angel couldn't have acted up at school.

Still, though, there's not much that you can do, other than to limit your contact. I wouldn't say anything. Maybe try to catch him behaving and speaking up then.

 

[sha_lyn]

My cousin's wife is throwing him a surprise 60th birthday party. I love this cousin and wouldn't miss it for the world...however....I haven't got a clue what I could possibly buy another man who has everything he ever wanted, in triplicate! Help!

Did you mean to start this as another topic?



As for the OT......
Both kids have been hitters especially before they were very vocal. It normal behavior, but should be addressed as most have pointed out.
For some reason this reminds me of something that happened when DS was little.
DM and her BF were visiting us when we lived in MS. DS had just turned 2. We were getting ready to go out for dinner and I asked DS to bring me his sneakers. He brought me his sandals and insisted he wanted to wear them. I tried to explain to him that it was too cold out but he refused to let me put his sneakers on. He got very upset and started crying, kicking etc. A full blown tantrum, but at this point he hadn't hit anyone etc. I was letting him ride it out. There was no getting to him until he calmed down. I then tried to put his shoes on and he started again, this time pulling my hair. I grabbed his hair and he looked at me in shock. I asked him if it hurt and and said yes. I told him that it also hurt when he pulled my hair. Well he never pulled my hair again. For some reason this seems to work with pinching and bitting too, but not for hitting. At least with my kids.
For hitting I would usually remove them from the situation if possible, hold their hands and tell them they needed to use their words, not their fist.
This worked better with DS I believe because he was an only child at the time.
For DD it has been a challenge because even at 8, she wants to hit DS when she is aggravated with him. I've signed her up for a conflict resolution class. Hopefully that will help.
As for the OP... well not much you can do except ignore it and limit your exposure to them. I doubt anything you will say will change the way the parents or grandparents handle the situation.

 

[robinb]

The difference in your situation and my nephews is that you're at least trying. They do nothing.

I may have missed this, but are these interactions you are seeing in your SIL's home or in public?

By the way, your daughter is very cute.

Thank you ... it keeps her alive . JUST KIDDING! She is really a great kid, but very very challenging.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Thank you ... it keeps her alive . JUST KIDDING! She is really a great kid, but very very challenging.

I've said it many times about Jake. I don't know what I'd do if he were ugly!

 

[malibuconlee]

I may have missed this, but are these interactions you are seeing in your SIL's home or in public?

I've seen the older one hit his mom last summer at a campground, so that's sort of in public. The other incidents have been at their home or grandma's house. They honestly don't go out much. I went to the mall with them last year for the younger one's 2 year pics at Sears and they don't act much differently there.

That day the then 4 yo laid down in the middle of the mall floor because he didn't want to go back inside the store while his mother picked out photos. I still remember the looks I got from this little old lady sitting there while it happened. He rammed the stroller into his mom's legs multiple times, then got mad when I took the stroller away from him.

Oh, last summer the one and only time they spent the night at our house was interesting. I took them to church with us and during the young disciples time when the minister has all the kids come up and talks to them the older one hit the younger one in front of the whole church. The younger one was sitting on my lap and the older one wanted to sit right next to me, touching me. The younger one squirmed just enough to touch his older brother, so the older one hits him because "he hit me first". I was mortified because I'd never seen another kid at church do this.

One other tidbit - the mom and dad of the boys both work retail. They try to work their schedules so they don't have to pay for daycare. So, grandma is their caregiver a lot in the evenings and weekends. It might be different if it was the normal go to grandma's house once a week and be a little spoiled. It's different when it's several times a week and there is no discipline.

 

[Talking Hands]

I have a few questions about the younger one. He is deaf (hard of hearing) and wears hearing aids and uses sign language. Do his parents and grandmother also use sign language? Is there actual communication going on? Or is a like the tourist who goes to another country and doesn't know the language but insists that they understand him just fine. Right now I am working with deaf kindergarden kids. One of the reasons I am there is that I do use sign language. The principal tried the pool sub for a week until the para and interpreter went to her and insisted that this class had to have a substitute proficient in sign language. That one week it was total chaos because there was little communication happening.
I find that often the best way of communicating is my facial expression. Stern, angry, fed up, loving. Also body language. You can't be a straight faced hearing person with them because they don't hear the oral modulations in your voice. Hearing use mdulate the voice but deaf use expression and body language to convery meaning to what they are communicating.
Btw when I started with this class 6 weeks ago I had one child who is autistic as well as deaf. She would kick and hit me daily multiple times. Now all I have to do is give her my "you better not look" and she behaves. Haven't been kicked for 2 weeks now so It took about a month.

 

[CEDmom]

I just had to come back to this thread to empathize with everyone that has a strong willed child . As I said in previous posts my DD did the hitting thing on occasion when she was younger (now 6 1/2).

She only hit me and it was always when I was alone with her. It didn't happen often but I swear her head spun around she was so out of control . I'd say the last episode was when she was about 4. Usually a time out in her room where she kicks and screamed and basically wore herself out did the trick .

To this day she really only gives me grief - rarely DH and virtually never anyone else. People cannot believe she ever misbehaves because she's a angel in their eyes . Most of the time she is a great kid but when she gets her "pants in a wad" look out. One of these days I'm going to tape her in action and sell tickets .

Good luck everyone.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Most of the time she is a great kid but when she gets her "pants in a wad look out". One of these days I'm going to tape her in action and sell tickets .

When Jake was in preschool the teachers were shocked that he ever misbehaved at home since he was such an angel in class. If they only knew! Then when he went to kindergarten, he improved at home, but he showed his truer colors at school, I guess because he was there for more hours.

 

[CEDmom]

I've said it many times about Jake. I don't know what I'd do if he were ugly!

One of my brothers has a theory that kids are as cute as they need to be to survive childhood . If that's true I'm terrified because our DD is downright adorable . She doesn't get it from either DH or me.

Robinb - For your sake I hope this theory isn't true because your DD is a real cutie.