Keeping Children Safe w/o Scaring Them

[va32h]

Is it possible to educate your child about the potential dangers in our society without scaring them half to death? I am starting to wonder.

I've had several varieties of the "good touch/bad touch" talk with my older 2 kids (10 and 6). But I know that on some level they are really not "getting it" because they just can't understand why an adult would purposely hurt a child.

I remember when my son was about 4, we were having the "stranger danger" talk, and he calmly assured me that he would be fine because if anyone took him, he'd just explain that he already had a family, thanks, and they would let him go.

My oldest is starting to "get it" - she has watched the news with us, and seen stories of children murdered or abused. She seems to understand that it's not just a matter of not getting "lost". But it makes her very anxious. She has often asked me why there are so many bad people in the world, and how can you trust anyone.

And last night my 6 yo son saw part of the show "Criminal Minds". This episode was about a young boy who was kidnapped and held in a small room, molested, and "sold" on the internet to another pedophile. I didn't mean for him to see it, I was watching it in my office, and he came in to show me his homework, and by the time I noticed him standing behind me, he had watched about 10 minutes, and was totally horrified.

After I calmed him down, I decided to let him see the end - because I knew the police would come and save the boy, and I thought that might make him feel better, seeing the "bad guy" arrested and the child reunited with his mom.

Well it did make him feel a little better, but he still couldn't sleep...he kept asking questions "why would that man put that boy in a box", "why won't he let him out of that room" and most painful of all, "if that boy's mommy couldn't keep him safe, how can you keep me safe?"

I feel like he is a little more aware of what I mean when I talk about dangerous situations, but he's also scared to bits!

I'm not sure if I've found that balance between being aware/not being paranoid, how can I possibly teach that to my kids?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have always talked about danger, they have seen news stories, etc...
If an adult wants to get your child they will succeed. I think that is the reality.

So it is really a process as far as I am concerned. Age appropriate talk, self awareness, supervision, people that make you feel "funny" or do inappropriate things like secrets, etc... knowing where you live and the precautions you need to take.

I try and impress some "street smarts" onto them. Where I grew up you had to have them. It is more of teaching them life skills that you should practice as well. I look at it as trying to develop their "senses" more than living in fear.

 

[C.Ann]

It's a fine line we have to walk for sure, but sadly that is the world we live in..

The weekend after the 5th anniversary of 9/11 my DGD was up here to the lake and started asking me a lot of questions about why terrorists would fly airplanes into buildings intentionally; why people were saying you can't carry your toothpaste on an airplane now, etc.. Knowing that we'll all be flying to Florida in December obviously put a great deal of emphasis on these issues for her because she has never asked about 9/11 before.. (We were actually in WDW on 9/11, 2001 but it was just before her 3rd birthday and she was unaware of what was happening..)

So I had a nice long talk with her.. Gave her explanations that a child would understand and she seemed satisfied with that.. When we were finished I asked her if she was afraid to fly to Florida in December and she said no.. We'll see what happens when the time comes..

It really saddens me that we have to go to such lengths to protect our children and walk that fine line between arming them with information or scaring them half to death, but it's the world we live in now and we really don't have any choice..

 

[jeast]

May I suggest reading the book "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin De Becker? I read about it on these boards. He is frequently on Oprah discussing how to keep your child safe.

He tells what to look for, what to REALLY fear, and the best ways to prevent your child from becoming a victim. Very no-nonsense and common sense.

Yes, there are ways to protect your children. In fact, he's not much on telling them to 'keep away from strangers', etc. He says your younger kids CAN'T be a part of protecting themselves. They can't understand enough to be helpful in this. The job is yours. But he tells you what to look for.

I found it very helpful.

 

[mickeyboat]

I struggle with that daily. On one hand, I want to give them freedom to become responsible, confident and self-reliant individuals. On the other I want to keep them locked up in the house forever. I am not sure where the "correct" balance lies, as it a amorphous kind of thing, and different for each child.

We do let our kids watch the news if we happen to be watching it at the same time (they are generally not interested, but might watch bits and pieces of it). We answer their questions as well as we can, and we give them lots of safety rules to follow. It's really too bad that we can't all just innocently go about our lives, but the reality is that there are people in the world who do bad things.

BTW I fell asleep toward the end of Criminal Minds last night. Can you tell me what happened after they spoke to the Minister and School Principal in Mt. Pleasant? You can PM me if you don't want to risk posting a spoiler.

Denae

 

[Ava83]

I agree its a fine line between terrifing a child and making them aware-We tell DD4 about staying with us and not running around when we are out,no touching, etc and why (in simple terms) but it scares her. We let her know that as long as Mommy and Daddy are around we will do everything to protect her. But as parents we are NEVER sure that we are doing the right thing by explaining it to her. Its hard to talk about it...her big ole brown eyes fill with tears. I hate doing it.

I hate the fact that it is necessary for us as parents to have to talk about this.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

In general, I think it's our jobs to protect young children, not their job whatsoever, so I don't tell my young children much of anything. I never tell them not to talk to strangers. First of all, the chance of them being taken by a stranger is very slim and second of all, it's my job to watch over them. And, it's very likely that even if I did tell them everything and educate them as much as possible, it wouldn't work when a stranger tells them a hard luck story about their lost puppy or that they are a police officer, etc, etc. So I keep a close eye on my young children.

When they get old enough to have some freedom (playing outside without supervision, etc) I start with the education, but I keep it simple and age appropriate. Stay away from strange cars, don't take candy from anyone, don't let anyone touch what your bathing suit covers and if they do, tell me, etc. And I don't overwhelm them with a big long talk, but little bits and pieces here and there.

It's hard for them not to have any fear, though. I did when I was little. As kids get older with an increased understanding of the world, fear is natural. But they should control the fear and not let it control them. My kids were scared of terrorists after 9-1-1 and scared of snipers during the Washington DC sniper shootings. The sniper shootings really scared them since that was in our backyard, almost literally. But I kept their life as normal as possible.

 

[KirstenB]

What a great thread! This is on my mind all the time. Dd1 is 8 and generally a little shy and a very compliant kid. I focus on telling her if something doesn't feel right, she needs to yell, be obnoxious, and generally draw attention to herself.

I don't go into a lot of detail about bad things that could happen, but try to reassure her that we'll never be mad if she's loud and obnoxious, even if she's wrong about the person. With a shy, "people pleaser" type of child, my biggest hurdle is letting her know she doesn't have to do what people say, especially strangers.

I will check out the Gavin de Becker book. I'm always looking for ways to protect her and get the message across to her about bad people.

 

[barkley]

i'll share one technique dh and i developed and have used with our 2 children. it's not so much educational as protective.

when i worked in social services i found that allot of children who were abused sexualy had been told by their abuser that what was going on was their 'special secret'-and that 'you know you never tell a secret'. so in our family we've taught the kids 'we don't do secrets-only ideas and surpises'. an idea is something that you can privatly share with another person but it's fine if it's shared with others, surprises are good things that you look forward to and plan on sharing with others'. so from a very early age they've been trained to never feel/believe that anything they are told or exposed to is appropriate to not tell.

we are very protective parents (probably overly by most standards)-we don't expose the kids to allot of news programs (or fictional crime shows) about the terrible things that go on in the world-but we do discuss them with them situationaly. when we've flown post 9/11 we've discussed with them about why the increased security measures are in place and given them assurances that these are in place to protect us, when 9/11 topics arrise we discuss it honestly at an age appropriate level and add more information in subsequent conversations as they appear to be interested/ready to understand it.
when they hear of or become aware of kidnappings/sexual abuse allegations/murders we discuss with them the basic facts (not the media speculation) and encourage them to share their feelings/opinions on it. it's worked as a good way to guage how much more we can share with them.

i watch criminal minds and we had tivo'd that episode to watch last night-it was one we definatly had the remote next to us on and paused each time the kids entered the room (we tell them there are certain shows that are 'grownup' and not appropriate for kids to watch).

 

[va32h]

Denae,


***possible spoilers*****












The principal of the school was not the kidnapper, but news of his (principal's) arrest led the real kidnapper to end the "auction" early and move the child.

Gideon theorized that the change in the kidnapper's behavior (from letting the boy live a relatively normal life to keeping him trapped in a room) was because the child-porn investigator lady had actually interviewed him in her first investigation. So they went through the files and narrowed it down to one guy and they raced to his house and caught him. He had placed the boy in a storage box and was presumably taking him to the auction "winner".

It turned out the boy had been kidnapped when he was just 1. They reunited him with his mom, whom he didn't remember. But in a very touching scene, it turned out that he had named his GI Joe action figure "Jack" and said that "Jack" was there to protect him, and his mom's name happened to be "Jackie", so you got the idea that he hadn't really forgotten his mother altogether.

**spoilers done*****


barkley, I don't let my kids watch those shows either, and in this instance it was really an accident. I didn't know he was watching until it was too late. And I really did think it would help him to see the story resolved, at that point.

I agree that it is our job to protect children. But as mine get older they are involved in activities, sports, Scouting, and I know that I won't always be right there, and that pedophiles look for opportunities to be around children.

It's just hard to know how to impress upon them what to do in a certain situation, without giving them so many details that they are frightened.

When I had the "touching" talk with my kids, I could see that they were just plain confused. Why would a grownup want to touch me there, why would a grownup want me to touch them there...the whole thing is just so beyond their realm of personal experience.

And it seems like every day, something more and more horrific is on the news. Would anyone imagine that someone would drown three children in a washing machine? For every murdered, missing, or exploited child, there is a parent who knew that sort of thing was out there, but never imagined it would happen to their child.

Except of course for the parents that are actually doing those things to their own children. Sometimes I just cannot bear the absolute ugliness of this world.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'm assuming that you're not having the same talk with your 6yo that you're having with your 10yo. Their developmental levels are very different and what a 10yo would be able to understand and absorb would scare a 6yo. Not to mention that at 6yo you're still supervising closer and probably only starting to give some freedom, so the talks are probably only just starting.

barkley, I like the idea and surprises message for kids!