Just need support re: custody and Christmas

[christinadei]

I am so upset at my son's father. He's had joint custody for about 3 years now and this is our third Christmas sharing DS6. The court documents say that the parent who doesn't have him for christmas gets him from 2-6 that afternoon. We made a deal last year (when it was my Christmas) that when the other parent picks him up at 2, he can keep him for the night. Now, his father says we never made that deal and i have to bring him back at 6:00. So now I get him for 4 hours and 1 of them will be spent driving to and from his fathers house. Also, we each get him 1 week of his break and it turns out that I am off work the week his father gets him and of course he won't work with me on that either. I have family coming and everything. No one will get to see DS for Christmas. Ugh, I'm so frustrated and depressed. I have no idea why he's being such a jerk. I always work with him and go out of my way to make things easy on him. Anyway, I just needed to vent.

 

[DVCLiz]

I'm really sorry. It just sucks sometimes, but try to make the time you do have fun and pleasant, and know that your son will have good Christmas memories if you work to make it fun for him at both houses.

 

[poohfriend]

I don't understand what makes people do the awful things they do sometimes. hug

hope he changes his mind...

you'll have a delightful time with your DS anyway!

 

[christinadei]

Thanks for the support. I do try to get DS excited about going and tell him how much fun he'll have. I want him to be happy there and here and to have a great time and a great Christmas. I just know that he wont' want to go back after coming home and it breaks my heart to have to bring him and put on a happy face the whole time.

 

[shoegirl1020]

I don't know if this would work in Flordia, but can't your attorney draft an emergency Motion to be heard before the Court-let the jerk explain to the judge why he won't switch weeks with you, etc.

I understand how upset you are, but think back to when you were young-do you really remember if you spent Christmas or the day before, with your mom? I feel you pain in wanting to spend the holiday with him, but just be thankful that you get to see him at all. I've seen cases where one parent won't even let the kids call the other parent on the holiday

 

[christinadei]

I don't know if this would work in Flordia, but can't your attorney draft an emergency Motion to be heard before the Court-let the jerk explain to the judge why he won't switch weeks with you, etc.

I understand how upset you are, but think back to when you were young-do you really remember if you spent Christmas or the day before, with your mom? I feel you pain in wanting to spend the holiday with him, but just be thankful that you get to see him at all. I've seen cases where one parent won't even let the kids call the other parent on the holiday

Yeah, it would be nice if the judge would help. I dont 'think he should've gotten any custody at all. He wanted me to have an abortion. I chose to leave him. He wouldn't sign the birth certificate. He didn't want anything to do with him until he was 2. Then he took me to court. He has a drug history (yeah, I know how to pick them) and the judge first ordered drug tests. When we went back, he hadn't done them and the judge said he didnt' need them and gave him joint custody.

I know it could be much worse and at least DS is okay when he's there, it's just depressing to not get to spend Christmas with my baby.

 

[tmarquez]

Actually, if you are in FL (I think it says FL by your screen name)...you can go to the clerk of court and get the paperwork to file an emergency motion yourself. Or you can always print them off online. If you need help filling them out, ask to speak to the pro se coordinator at your local courthouse, they will help and it's free. There will be a filing fee, but it shouldn't be very much.

Good luck.

 

[lady9]

Although you don't want to make it hard on your DS, keep a thorough record of every request you have made and been denied by his father. The next time he asks for a favor, turn him down. When he wants to know why, pull out your list. My best friend did this and it work well for her. She was always being over accomdating to her ex but he wouldn't budge when she asked a favor including swapping nights last year so her DD could be in the school Christmas play!! He lives 30 min. away and said that was the night they were going to pick out the Christmas tree!! His mother (her children have seen her 2x in their entire lives and never get a card or phone call from her) was coming to town during the weeks her children were with her for their summer break. He asked to switch one week and she said, "NOPE!" She told him why and he was furious. He tried to file a motion but his attorney said the courts were backed up and not hearing frivolous motions. So needless to say, my best friend took her 3 kids out of town (she didn't want him dropping in unannouned). The next time she asked for a favor, she got it after a gentle reminder about what had happened in the past. She told him that if he wants to play games, she'll play, but no one, especially not the kids, wins."

 

[LISAVWL]

I think the PP had great advice -- write everything down! I've had my share of problems with my ex for over 10 years and they have only gotten worse -- we have both remarried, had more kids and now I live 3 hours away. Poor DS13 gets caught in the middle more than I would like to admit b/c ex usually sends messages through him. Very grown up, I know . Once I started documenting everything I could pull out my book and name times, dates and exact information about the occurances.

I feel for you, I've been there and it's not a fun experience for anyone involved. I keep telling myself that someday all this will turn around and DS will appreciate it all that much more. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and enjoy the time you are with your son.

 

[christinadei]

Thanks for all of the support and advice. My plan is to start following the rules exactly. I will not bend them for him or go out of my way for him anymore. I'm always picking up DS and doing everything I can to keep peace, but from now on, we'll just do everythign by the book. No deals, period. Next year, it will be the opposite, I'll have him the whole christmas and he will get him for his 4 hours. From now on, I'll expect this (I should anyway) and I will make plans around it, however I have to. I won't ever depend on him working with me.

 

[Iott Family]

Thanks for all of the support and advice. My plan is to start following the rules exactly. I will not bend them for him or go out of my way for him anymore. I'm always picking up DS and doing everything I can to keep peace, but from now on, we'll just do everythign by the book. No deals, period. Next year, it will be the opposite, I'll have him the whole christmas and he will get him for his 4 hours. From now on, I'll expect this (I should anyway) and I will make plans around it, however I have to. I won't ever depend on him working with me.

You are not alone. I feel your pain, sister! My ex has done plenty in the past. Thankfully this year I have them for Christmas but in years past he has had them the whole week and not allowed phone calls or answered phone calls. Thats when i started doumening everything. Still do and things are more amicable between us than in past years.
Keep a calendar just for documenting everything to do with ex and visitation, etc. Even write down times, his mood, your Ds's mood. Its all in the details!
Hang in there, I know it feels devastating. Just keep deep breaths and smile for Ds. The holiday is all about him. Trust me, if you provide the warm loving enviroment your Ds will only benefit and later when he is older your home is where he will seek to be most.
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
I would file that motion and document everything for future reference.
If the ex thinks he can be a bully, well.......

 

[tycopj]

I don't know what to tell you, I have been through the ringer and through the ringer again with my ex!!!! I have always had people tell me what I "should" do, "should have done" blah, blah, blah. It just never seems to work out in the eyes of the court.

I can tell you that DS is 17, and see's his dad for what he is. I have NEVER said bad things about my ex infront of my kids, I tried to do what was best for DS (and DD who is 19, but hasn't come around yet) and it really hurt most of the times.

I can also tell you that in the whole scheme of things, these things that hurt SO BAD aren't so important. It's weird that it can hurt so much, it's a few hours, a day, or whatever, and it tears your heart out, but when kids grow up, they remember much more than those few hours, that special day or whatever. It's the everyday things that mean more, kissing their ouchies, tucking them in at night, chase away the bad dreams, help with homework, enforce rules, listening to their heartaches and dreams.

I was also the one to bend over backwards, I finally started making my ex sign an agreement as to any changes we made to our decree. It probably wouldn't hold up in court, but he thought it might. It also made him think twice about asking for favors, knowing it would be in writing. If he wouldn't sign, I wouldn't agree.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, I know how bad it hurts. Try to make the best of it, maybe you can do some special things before he leaves with dad, and save some special things for when he comes home.

 

[SaraMc]

Being a now grownup child of divorce, does your son like going there? We had to go to my Dad's every other year and it was in a whole other provience. I hated going I never felt like a child of his more like a guest. My mom ended up going back to court after the third time I stood in the airport and screamed ( I was about 10 ) I didnt want to go. He ended up moving back to the same provience but the court changed things that we only had to go on boxing day and New Years day