Just need someone to listen I guess

[krystyana]

Ok...this is probably going to get a little long winded and I beg your forgiveness, but i just need to get some other opinions I guess. My father in law is quite possibly the most self centered, inconsiderate man on the entire planet. To make a long story short, my husbands mother became ill this evening and needed to be rushed to the hospital. Now bear in mind that my husband's father is consistently mean to her, is verbally abusive, and generally not a nice guy. I limit his contact with our son because he refuses to respect my wishes about my child (ie. smoking by him, using foul language, being disrespectful). He just does one thing after another to be hurtful. So tonight my husband drives him to the hospital and while they are there waiting for news on my MIL my FIL tells my husband that this is my husbands fault because she is depressed because she doesn't see our son enough and how is this illness going to affect him(FIL). Doesn't even once acknowledge he has made her life miserable for years, just tries to lay it on my husband. I am at my wits end with this man. I don't know if I should confront him, try to ignore him, what? Thanks for listening.

 

[Superjoint_Ritual]

Ok...this is probably going to get a little long winded and I beg your forgiveness, but i just need to get some other opinions I guess. My father in law is quite possibly the most self centered, inconsiderate man on the entire planet. To make a long story short, my husbands mother became ill this evening and needed to be rushed to the hospital. Now bear in mind that my husband's father is consistently mean to her, is verbally abusive, and generally not a nice guy. I limit his contact with our son because he refuses to respect my wishes about my child (ie. smoking by him, using foul language, being disrespectful). He just does one thing after another to be hurtful. So tonight my husband drives him to the hospital and while they are there waiting for news on my MIL my FIL tells my husband that this is my husbands fault because she is depressed because she doesn't see our son enough and how is this illness going to affect him(FIL). Doesn't even once acknowledge he has made her life miserable for years, just tries to lay it on my husband. I am at my wits end with this man. I don't know if I should confront him, try to ignore him, what? Thanks for listening.

In all honesty confront him. You can only let so much pass so fast. If you need anymore advice PM me.

 

[poohandwendy]

Because he is a normally verbally abusive person, I think I would ignore his rantings and reply with "I am sorry you feel that way" over and over again until he shuts up. And if doesn't shut up,. walk away from him...he will only look crazy fighting alone.

There is NOTHING you will say that will change him or make things different. All you can do is be there for your DH and his mother. I would not give him the opportunity to engage any of you in a verbal battle...as that is where he is most comfortable. People like that cannot stand a calm, rational approach. It makes them nuts. Steal his thunder and remove the opportunity for the fight he is looking for.

i am so sorry you have someone in your life like that. I understand the frustration.

 

[Sleepy]

The only way to solve the problem is to ignore him and wait for him to die. It worked for me. Life is better for everyone now.

Of course, you could tell him that visitations with son could be an option, but then it would be your son in the hospital due to suffocation rather than his MIL being there for depression. I would ask him which would make his life more enjoyable?

 

[chrissyk]

My grandfather was like this to my grandmother He was equally abusive to his kids. For some reason, my mother DID bring us over there all the time. I guess that she couldn't say no to her father. Good for you for keeping your son away from such a toxic man! BTW, there is NOTHING that you can say to get a person like this to acknowledge their behavior or to stop it.

My grandparents are far apart in age, with my grandmother being younger. I used to hope that my grandfather would pass away while my grandmother was still young enough to enjoy her life. It didn't happen Now they're both old and infirm. He's in a nursing home finally, and she's partially blind and has had cancer I hated watching this kind, dynamic woman be controlled and verbally abused by this cruel man. I know how you feel. I have absolutely no words of wisdom. I just started spending very little time with them once I was an adult. That's all you can do, I guess.

 

[MsDisney23]

I would just try to ignore him and keep the distance with your son. Try to be there for your DH during this time. I hope your MIL gets better.

 

[krystyana]

thanks everyone....guess I just needed some reassurance. I know saying something won't change anything. I refuse to let my child be poisoned with his ugliness, he's done enough damage to my DH already. I know it sounds terrible but I do wish he would "expire" before my MIL so at least she would get to live for awhile (and Us not having to deal with him wouldn't be bad either). But thanks again for listening and caring!

 

[Microcell]

I really think the title belongs to my own father. No, wait, my own father is the most self centered and weak person on the planet, so your FIL can be the most self centered if you would like.

Honestly, I just told my father in an email how I felt, and that I thought our relationship needed to start with an apology, and he apparently disagreed, hence we have spoken once in the past two years. He called 3 weeks ago and told me that his father died, and he barely knew him and he wants his grandkids to know him. I did not kick him while he was down, but I plan to stand firm when he calls. I will demand an apology and I plan to ask just what benefit he plans on having to my children.

They know he does not love me. They asked why we didn't see him as he lives in the same metro, and I told the truth. Now DD especially does not have any particular desire to see him, so he better be improving thier lives with his interactions with them. Otherwise what is the point?

In other words, make sure he knows the ball is in his court. You should expect that a toxic person improve themselves and actually make a postive impact on the kids.

There is a benefit on just waiting for him to die. I just had to spell it out to my father because I had an open door policy and he was acting the same to my kids that he was to me.