Just need some support for those who have gone through the loss of a loved one

[Melora]

My mother is close to dying. She has advanced Parkinsons disease.

Over the last few weeks she has rapidly gone down hill. She can barely swallow and probably weighs about 75 pounds. She has been asking her help if she has fed the dogs (she hasn't had a dog in over 3 years) and when Josie (her help) gives her her pill she asks if its corn.

She looks terrible, cannot lift her head up, drools, is barely understandable. She has told Josie that she is going to die now.

The nurse told us on Monday that she probably wouldn't last more than a few weeks, then the next nurse came on Thursday and told us she seemed fine. (Heart and vitals looked good).

It is a horrible roller coaster ride. I do not know how to feel. On one hand I don't want her to die... but in truth her suffering is gone to unbearable levels. The nurse gave us a morphine patch to put on her and it seems to help her sleep better. I wonder if it is making her out of touch with reality.

How did any of you get through watching someone who you know is going to die, but you don't know when and you have to see them suffer?

I know I am kind of rambling but I am just feeling so low and upset right now. I never had a great relationship with my mom and now that its getting close to the end of her life, I begin to have the feelings that I didn't do enough to make our relationship better. I know it really wasn't my fault over all. I always told her I loved her and she always said that I didn't. Most people stopped talking to mom years and years ago when my dad died because she was a difficult person. (Understatement) but still, guilt takes over in times like these.

Thank you for listening.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and that your mother is suffering. Just know that you were as good a daughter as she allowed you to be. I had a difficult father who passed away almost two years ago. We were much more distant than you appear to be with your mother. It still hurt when he was gone. You'll be in my thoughts.

Dawn

 

[CEDmom]

I don't really have any advice for you. My dad died when I was really young so I was shielded from much of his suffering. I just wanted to give you a because I so sorry you have to go through this. Take care of yourself.

 

[FloridaCat]

You are going through a normal process and no need to beat up on yourself. Having lost a teenage Son and my wife of 35 years, it is not easy.

My Wife fought Breast Cancer for two years and it is a roller coaster. They have their good days and down days. I did everything I could do and spent money like it was water trying to save her. There came a time, long after the Doctors told me they could do no more, that you know it is time to let go.

I give everyone this suggestion. My Wife was in a condition very similar to your Mother. I sat by her bed and I told her I loved her, I thank her for being my Wife. I also told her that she would always remain in my heart and I would count the days until we would be together again, but that it was OK for her to go and I would be alright, that our girls would look after me. She passed the next day.

Last year my Father was dying with Cancer back in the Midwest. My two Sisters reports were always the same, no more then a week. After several weeks I drove up from Florida, even though I was not 100%. I sat down by his bed and I told him I loved him and was proud to be his Son. I knew he had to be concerned for my Mother as she is 90, and told him Mom would be looked after and not to worry, and it was OK for him to let go. He passed 12 hours later.
I believe they have things they want to say or hear at this point, but are unable to get through the fog of the medication and illness.

I have instructed my two DD, that they were to tell me when it was the right time to go, if I could not communicate and there was no more hope for cure. That if they loved me they would not let me lay and suffer, but give me permission to go be with their Mother.
Prayer’s, PD & {{{{{Hugs}}}}} for you and the family. Hang on to your memories of her as they are the healing salve.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Very sorry to read this, Melora. Stopping for a moment to give you a and say a prayer for both your mom and you and family. Growing old is tough.

Dan

 

[oddball27]

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[COLOR=9900CC]Here's LOTS of PD in hoping everything will be alright!!![/COLOR]

 

[tinaluis]

My grandmother was in hospice care for advanced stage breast cancer during the last weeks of her life and was heavily sedated with morphine. It was so hard to see her suffer so much that I'd hoped she would pass soon but then I felt guilty for feeling that way. She'd been out of it for about 3 weeks and had my sister call me on a Sunday morning to say that she was going to die that day and we should all come over. We all did and spent the day with her and she talked a little here and there. I was pregnant with DD#3 at the time and actually due any day. She told me that the Virgin Mary said I should name my baby Maria if she was born on that day and mostly just reaffirmed that she was tired and wanted to go. She said she could see all those that had passed before her. We told her it was okay to go. She didn't pass that day and two days later she had a sudden burst of energy and was actually able to get out of bed and spend some time talking about her life and making a few phone calls. She did pass a few days later, September 3, 1998, the day DD#3 was due. Fortunately DD#3 waited until after the funeral to come but I named her after my Grandmother. It's normal for you to feel the range of emotions that you are feeling and I second what others have said: let her know that it's okay to go. You will be in my thoughts.

 

[4greatboys]

Melora I sent you a pm

 

[Robinrs]

Oh, Melora...

The first thing I did when I found out my Mom had cancer was call a dear friend of mine who had also gone through it with her Dad, RhondaS from the DIS...

She told me something I will never forget... "I can't tell you anything good, Dahling.." she told me in her adorable Texas twang...

She was right.

I've always said dying is so much worse than death. The inevitable seems to last forever and as much as you want to hold onto them forever, you know they deserve a life better than this.

I lost two of my favorite aunts, a very beloved cat and my Mom who was also my BEST friend to cancer in the past 3 years. My Dad died in March. The pain dulls after awhile just knowing that they are no longer suffering.

God bless you, honey. Come to me anytime if you need a hug...

And God bless all the others who have answered this post with tears in their eyes...like me...

Robinrs

 

[*Fantasia*]

I don't know if knowing your loved one is dying is better than a sudden death.

I didn't get a chance to say good bye to my husband Gary. He died so suddenly from heart anuerysm. He died in WDW on Dec 2001 and he was only 32. I was angry, hurt and felt that my heart was ripped from me. I never got to say our last "I love you" or anything. He just left me and my kids.

With you, it is hard to see that your Mother is dying and that she is suffering. While she is still alive, whether she can comprehend you or not, tell her you love her and give her a big hug, you still have time.

I am sorry about your Mother. Stay strong and stay strong for your mother, tell her she will be ok, so she won't feel afraid of leaving the family behind.

 

[minniecarousel]

No advice - just a {{{{{HUG}}}}}

hang in there

 

[Lanshark]

I've gone through it twice. My mother had MS and my step mother heart disease.

There is nothing more helpless than watching someone suffer and knowing you can't ease their pain. I relied on faith and family support. What you are going through is hell. Feel at peace that you mother is probably "out of it" from the drugs. I remember praying for death and feeling terrible about it. Make sure you do what you can to ease her journey. As difficult as it is you will never regret it. I was a teenager when my mother died and have many regrets about things I should have said and done. I was 14 and they still haunt me at 43. I was 32 when my stepmother died and made sure I said everything that needed to be said and did all I could do. No regrets.

Sorry for the rambling. This is obviously close to home for me I a truly feel for you and your mom. Feel free to PM me.

 

[shoes99]

My Dad John had a heart condition, was on several medications, and lived a mile from me. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. He died Sunday at the age of 84.. We had to postpone the services till my sister got back from Aruba. Dad was pronounced at 7AM Sunday, and Joanne's plane took off from Newark at 7AM. We told her to stay in Aruba, she is not a well woman at the age of 51, so we waited for her to come home today. Dad's Wake is tomorrow, and his burial will be Monday.
Dad's heart stopped as he tried to get out of bed in the middle of the night. My brother found him at 7AM.
We will all miss him, but we were able to talk to him and see him every day. I usually went over daily to check that he took his pills. The waiting is the hardest, but now he will be with my Mother who died in 2001, after being sick with Alzheimers. She died in a nursing home at the age of 79.
Michele

 

[Pooh93]

{{HUGS}} and prayers for you and your mother. Parkinson's is a terrible disease. It sounds like you have been as good of a daughter as your mom would let you. As others have said, if at all possible, try to tell your mother the things you need to now, so you won't have regrets later. Take care of yourself.

 

[ptcruisermom]

My father passed away at age 86 on May 15th( my oldest son's 16th b-day). He had been hospitalized for close to a month and was most likely going tohave to go to a nursing home ( which my dom ws totally against-she thought she could take care of him-but not at 84) He had lost the feelings in his legs and was found to have several ruputred discs in neck and back, surgery was perfomed on the one in his neck with back to follow 4-6 weeks later. Unfortunately he was very confused(not like my dad at all) and hesuffered a mild heart attack shortly after the surgery, he came out of that but then suffered a major stroke(his worst fear of all) he lingered for three days after, we kept him comfortable and he wasn't able to communicate with us. He would have never been himself, and like Isaid this was his worse fear to have a stroke and to be completely dependant for his care. The day before he passed away I told him it was okay to go and I would see that mom was taken care of and had what she needed( my mom was his biggest concern-he wanted to make sure she was taken care of and told us that several times when he first got sick)
The next morning at 6:08 he passed away-my son was to take his drivers test that morning at 8 and we went ahead with it(grandpa would h ave wanted him to) Grandpa kept asking him how much longer until you drive. The strange thing about the driver's test was when we were on our way, my son was driving and he came to a stop sign he didn't really look both ways well enough and I told him that( well a few years ago my dad had forgotten to renew his license so had to take the driving test all over and that is what he got marked off on- was not looking both ways good enough) well sure enough that is what my son got makred off on. I always said grandpa was sitting on his shoulder.
I miss my dad, but I know he is not suffering now and is in a better place. Somehow the funeral director had a little smile on him. I will keep you in my thoughts in prayers and may God be with you during this trying time.

 

[Melora]

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and support. I will be getting back personally to those who have sent me PMs. Everything you have said helps me a lot.

I wrote personally to Magix earlier this week as she just lost her mom and as I told her I got through my dads death so many years ago and I will get through this.

When my dad died I wasn't living with of him like my mom is living with me. I was very detached from what was happening. He died at home from cancer and when it happened I was called and then I went over. With my mom, I am the one doing everything. She has full time live in help, but it is still DH and I who are taking care of arrangements etc.

The worst is not knowing. Now knowing when it will happen. Looking at my mom and knowing that she will die soon is the hardest thing Ive ever experienced. It is frightening and very strange to look at someone and know they will soon not be alive. It puts you in touch with mortality and makes you focus your vision on whats really important in life.

Mostly it makes me realize how quickly life goes by. How my mom never did anything she wanted to do because she wanted to have money for her old age. What she is left with is no good memories or many happy times, only unfulfilled dreams. And lots of money that she can't take with her.

I did my best to make peace with my dad before he died. He was very bitter and in the last few months he tried to pick fights with me. I kept it in my head that I didnt want my last memories of him to be our fighting so I always walked out or said nothing. I wish I could have been better between us. When my mom called to tell me he died, I went over and sat with him for a little while and talked to him. I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him. That was the best I could do.

These days I find myself talking to him a lot. Asking him if he has any control, could he please help my mom go quickly so she does not have to suffer anymore. Then I have the guilt over wanting her to die.

I wish she and I could have had a better relationship. She adopted me when I was little and spent a good number of years telling me that any of my bad behavior was genetic, not anything she did. After my dad died, she refered to him as Bill, never my dad.

I do not know what to say now, and I wish I could tell her things, but the road we had together in my teens and 20's was a rough one.

Last night after days of only eating a tablespoon of pureed food a few times a day, she sat up and requested pizza. She ate that and then some birthday cake my girlfriends brought to me last night. She had her head up for almost a couple of hours.

I know that sometimes at the end, there is a burst of energy, but my fear (and believe me this makes me feel terrible) is that she is just regaining some strength and will now last for a few more months. I'm not sure I can watch her suffer anymore.

Once again, thank you all for your support and I am sorry for rambling.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

I cannot answer about how to deal with watching a loved one die. I've been blessed to have been sheilded by that from the Father. My mother died of a heart attack in her sleep in 1993, my sister died of AIDS that she contracted from her DH in 1994, I was told she looked so miserable and awful in her final days and it was good that I wasn't around to see it, and my father died of many problems from his kidney, to his liver, to his heart, to cancer, in 2000. He wasn't looking good either and I was blessed once again by the Father to not see it.

I can only tell you how to deal with it once your mother is gone. Pray every day and no matter how strange this sounds, thank the Father that she's gone and with Him now. She won't be in the pain and confusion that's she's in now, because she's with Him where there is NO pain or confusion. Get support from other family members you are close too and/or a close friend. But most importantly PLEASE READ ISAIAH 57:1-2 to understand the death of your mother, when the time comes. You can read it now if you'd like, there's no harm in that. That verse helped me greatly after my mom and sister died. I was bitter for years after both their deaths, I wasn't a believer in the Father, or have the understanding of His word like I am and do today, so I harbored A LOT of resentments and anger. Once my DH pointed out that verse to me it was a great help and gave me so much more peace than I could ever imagine. Now understand, my mom died 11 years ago, and my sister died 10 years ago, and DH only told me about that verse sometime in the year 2000. I wasn't as angry about their deaths at that time, but I was still so sad and that scripture was a blessing to me and I'm thankful DH showed it to me.
You're going to be just fine okay. The death of a loved one is very hard, but I think it's harder watching them go through what your mother is going through now. It would have torn me up to watch the AIDS destroy my sister's body as I was told it did, and I'm so glad the Father didn't let me see that. He knows me and does everything to protect me and I'm so thankful for that. I will keep you in my prayers and just always know, He's with you whether you "feel" Him there or not. Just start praying for your mother and you will be amazed at what happens.

Blessings to you always,

Denise

 

[TIGGERSMOM]

I am going through similar crcumstances with my DF. He has battleing lung cancer for 3 years and just recently diagnosed with artherial sclerosis. His memory is so bad, he doesn't remember if he has eaten.

It just sucks to put it mildly and makes me want to scream all the time. I just take a deep breathe, love the good days and forget the bad.

I know we have been luckier than most to have him as long as we have, but I am also realistic and know if he is around 2 more years it will be miraculous.

So just hang in, it doesn't get better just stinks. But also know you can come here and vent, scream and know there are lots of us here in the same boat and will understand how hard it can be.

Prayers & PD to you & your Mom

 

[jimmytammy]

I wish I knew the words to tell you that will make you feel comfort. But losing a loved one is hard. My dear FIL lost his fight with Lou Gehrigs disease at the young age of 52. He was so vibrant before that disease racked his life. He was my friend and was truly like a Dad to me. We played golf and went to NASCAR races together.
Like you, my DW spent most of his last days with him. It was tough and still tough for her. That was 4 yrs ago. We realized life was to short then and there. Thats what led us to WDW and continues to.
Most important, through it all, our faith and trust got us through it all. Just know when all else fails, God is still there. He knows your hurting. Through His Son Jesus, you can find peace. He can help you through it all. Dont mean to preach, just know that it works.
It is hard to let go, but if you believe, you will be reunited with her forever in Heaven.

 

[Mishetta]

My heart aches for you. My Mom passed away in July after a year long battle of Bone Marrow Cancer. We were extremely close. We lived together for all but 3 months out of my 43 years on earth. My Dad passed away when I was very young & I had no siblings, so my Mom was everything to me (mother/father/sister/brother).

The year before she passed away was the worst year of my entire life. The waiting for it "to happen" & the suffering...I just wouldn't wish it on anyone. I had a baby & I had to abruptly quit my job, so there were so many factors involved too. My life became a living hell since I was coping with juggling a new budget (which was very hard at first) & trying to care for my Mom, while caring for an infant. But with all it's hardships, we tried to make each other laugh every day. We talked about "last wishes" & other very difficult things & me telling her what a great mother she was & she telling me what a good daughter I was....

I too had to tell my Mom to "let go" on her last day on earth as she was fighting to stay. I had to tell her that it was much more difficult for me to watch her suffer than if she left to be with Jesus & my Dad. I am selfish though...I did want her to stay with me. I held her hand so very tight thinking my hold could keep her with me, but I failed. Jesus was much stronger than I was.

Just do what you feel in your heart in the meantime but no matter what, it will be one of the toughest times of your entire life. Count on the many wonderful warm souls out here on the Dis to help you through the grieving, when it's time. That's what I did. For what it's worth, please feel free to contact me if you wish, although I don't know how helpful I can be as I'm already crying thinking of what you will go through once the woman who gave you life is gone.