Just Need A "Shoulder": Suffering EXTREME Anxiety

[Christine]

If you've been through this before, I'd welcome any help.

Right now, due to my current medical 'state', I am suffering from extreme anxiety. I have been under horrible stress since November 8th, when I had a follow up mammogram for the removal of a benign lump last year. On November 8th, the radiologist literally "freaked out" on me, found two lumps, and urged me to get into my surgeon. I did all this. The surgeon thinks she is way out of line. Long story short, I had my surgery (an excisional biopsy on each breast) the day before Thanksgiving. Of course I am worried SICK about the results. The surgeon told me that the holiday would probably delay my results but that if I called on Tuesday (today) and told his staff to get my results, he would call me on Tuesday. I already have an appointment with him on Thursday.

As I predicted, the surgeon's receptionist just blew me off. Told me that they didn't have my report, that they always call when they get a report, blah, blah, blah. There was no way I was getting past her. I knew this would happen. Ever since yesterday, I've had horrible, shaking anxiety. Today, I went to work for the first time since the surgery and was MIGHTY uncomfortable. I've been DISing most of the day to distract myself. Anyway, I have worked myself up so bad, I am convinced that I'm going to give myself a heart attack as my pulse rate has been up for WEEKS. My breasts are, of course, a little bruised but in my panic I am looking at all the reddish spots on the skin and thinking the worst; i.e., I've got some infection in the them and I will die. Everything is starting to hurt. I was shaking at work. I have lost about 7 lbs. I didn't realize it until this morning when I put on my pantsuit and noticed that my pants kept trying to "fall down." I can barely eat. I can barely do anything but lay on the couch, stare at the computer, or read (and I've read everything now). I am just beside myself now and consumed with horrible, horrible fear. I have Xanax but it is really not doing the job. I think I would have to take the whole bottle to get it to work but then how I would I get my kids to their schools?

I know that I am overreacting WAY more than most people do. But, I've already experienced cancer 10 years ago. They told me it all looked benign and as I happily waltzed into my surgeon's office that day and he told me it was cancer (God, I was so unsuspecting) it was like someone punched me in the face and I've never recovered. So, I have this horrible fear of it happening again. That my finances will be ruined because I won't be able to work. That I'm not strong enough for this.

I guess I don't know what I want anyone to say, but I'm just terrified and I'm terrified of what the FEAR is doing to me. I'm not 20 anymore. I'm almost 42. My 39 year old neighbor had a heart attack this summer because of STRESS. I can't keep doing this to myself. And when, and if, this breast stuff gets overwith, I have to face thyroid scans in the spring (even though I've been 'clean' for 10 years). It seems to never end. How much can a body take?

 

[doxdogy]

I am so sorry that you are stressing. Sending you hugs and good thoughts that all will go welll.

 

[safetymom]

Sorry to hear that the Doctors office is adding to your anxiety. Please try to take care of yourself.

 

[mtblujeans]

I am sorry to hear of this, too. Can you accept whatever the news may be....now....before you hear it? Can you accept that you will deal with your fate? Can you muster all your strength and energy to decide your reaction and your action at that future date? And then, just let it go?? Taking a deep breath and knowing that you will fight, if you have to, and be relieved if the news is not as bad as you were afraid of....can you do that now?

 

[Christine]

I am sorry to hear of this, too. Can you accept whatever the news may be....now....before you hear it? Can you accept that you will deal with your fate? Can you muster all your strength and energy to decide your reaction and your action at that future date? And then, just let it go?? Taking a deep breath and knowing that you will fight, if you have to, and be relieved if the news is not as bad as you were afraid of....can you do that now?

I think that once I know (whatever it is), I *will probably* be better. For me, loss of control has always been a BIG issue. Right now, I have no control (hence the thoughts of my body betraying me). When I have a diagnosis, I do believe, at that point, I will be able to chart out my next steps. Right now, I don't know why I can't reel in these feelings. But they are terrible. I cannot "pretend" that they've already told me bad news and then start planning. It's like I'm just frozen and paralyzed.

If I do have breast cancer I know I will fight but I am so scared. I feel like I don't handle most procedures/drugs/anxiety well at all anymore and I honestly think the treatment might kill me. How's that for getting ahead of yourself.

 

[florida-again]

I have been through something extremely similar recently. Also health worries, although a different worry to yours. I don't know what advice to offer you except feel free to PM me. I have to admit I just rode my anxiety out until I had the test results. But I totally, totally understand everything you are going through.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I understand how hard it is

 

[mtblujeans]

I would say that anything you are thinking and/or feeling is normal for a person in your situation. I can relate to your expression of needing to be in control. So, putting myself in your situation, I would understand that you can't wrap your mind around it because you don't want to go through it again. Since you have been through this once before, does it sound or seem as though these lumps might signal a controllable situation in the way of treatment? Meaning, the treatment might not be too invasive and you might have caught it in a reasonable amount of time to lessen the extent of treatment??

 

[Christine]

I would say that anything you are thinking and/or feeling is normal for a person in your situation. I can relate to your expression of needing to be in control. So, putting myself in your situation, I would understand that you can't wrap your mind around it because you don't want to go through it again. Since you have been through this once before, does it sound or seem as though these lumps might signal a controllable situation in the way of treatment? Meaning, the treatment might not be too invasive and you might have caught it in a reasonable amount of time to lessen the extent of treatment??

Yes, I think whatever "one" of them is, it was very small (half a centimeter). That can only be a good thing. The other "lump" was actually a hematoma from last year's surgery (although that is a guess on my surgeon's part). With lumps, nothing is definitive until the final pathology.

 

[robinb]

All I can say is {{hugs}} and hang in there. I'm sending some your way. I am sorry if I added to your stress today .

 

[chrissyk]

I'd say that you're reacting quite normally given the circumstances. Call the Dr.'s office first thing in the morning. I wouldn't take getting blown off by the secretary. Who knows if she even bothered to see if your results were back yet. The office could call the lab for the results if they really wanted to. I'd put that anxiety to work as a motivating factor for the Dr.'s office. Call them, cry, beg, whatever...use that anxiety to motivate them to get the results for you asap. You SO don't need to be dealing with the stress of not knowing right now.

 

[Christine]

All I can say is {{hugs}} and hang in there. I'm sending some your way. I am sorry if I added to your stress today .

Are you talking about the peanut stuff?? No way. Actually a good and dirty peanut allergy debate really takes my mind off things. That and boomhauer's post!

 

[Christine]

I'd say that you're reacting quite normally given the circumstances. Call the Dr.'s office first thing in the morning. I wouldn't take getting blown off by the secretary. Who knows if she even bothered to see if your results were back yet. The office could call the lab for the results if they really wanted to. I'd put that anxiety to work as a motivating factor for the Dr.'s office. Call them, cry, beg, whatever...use that anxiety to motivate them to get the results for you asap. You SO don't need to be dealing with the stress of not knowing right now.

Today was my only shot. The doctor does surgery every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (which is why he told me specifically to call on Tuesday). Believe me, I got forceful with her this morning. She wasn't budging. She'd been through this before. It was all very rehearsed, very memorized, and very final.

 

[mtblujeans]

Yes, I think whatever "one" of them is, it was very small (half a centimeter). That can only be a good thing. The other "lump" was actually a hematoma from last year's surgery (although that is a guess on my surgeon's part). With lumps, nothing is definitive until the final pathology.

Ok, then, it appears that half the problem may be something your doctor/surgeon feels you can both deal with to conclusion. The other half, the smaller one, may be a growth that could need treatment. Does it give you some comfort looking at it this way?

 

[Kitty 34]

I'm sorry you have to go thru all of this.

 

[chrissyk]

Today was my only shot. The doctor does surgery every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (which is why he told me specifically to call on Tuesday). Believe me, I got forceful with her this morning. She wasn't budging. She'd been through this before. It was all very rehearsed, very memorized, and very final.

Is the Dr. the only person who can give you the results? Can you actually go to the office and tell them that you're not leaving the waiting room until you are given your results? Act hysterical while you're there, and they will have a much harder time ignoring you. I guess you'd have to wait until Thursday to do this (which stinks), but it's better than waiting even longer. I'd be LIVID if I were you. You so don't need to be dealing with not knowing. That's making the anxiety 100 times worse IMHO.

BTW, I had a lump in my breast a few years ago. While I didn't need a biopsy, it was horribly nervewracking. They wanted me to wait a very long time to even have an ultrasound appt. I called up HYSTERICAL, and gee...they were able to fit me in within a day or 2

 

[soccerchick]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I react to worry the same way you do ~ just let me know what I'm dealing with and I can deal. The last two weeks I was like that with my father's by-pass surgery. I called the hospital once and mom said "I can't talk. I'll call you back." Of course it was ages before she did. I was totally expecting some bad news; but all it was was that the nurses were cracking down on her using her cell phone! Whew.

Prayers and pixie dust for clean report!

 

[lookingforward]

I am with you in thought, and hope you get reassuring news soon! Take care and keep us posted. Waiting is awful, I know.

 

[disneylizzy]

Thinking about you and praying you get news soon. I've often thought that I would fall apart if I had to go thru treatment again, but you do what you have to do, right? Can you get outside for a strenuous walk? That sometimes can take my mind off anxiety - if I have to concentrate on, say, walking up a hill on uneven ground. If I'm lucky, I tire myself out so much that I can go to sleep.

Again,

 

[Amy]

Christine - saw your other post about waiting for biopsy results, and I thought I'd seen you around on this thread (and on the peanut thread today, too). Hang in there! I agree that waiting is the absolute worst thing!

I remember when I had my lumpectomy back in March 2002. The surgeon told me I had 2 options: they could cut out the lump, sew me up and then I'd get the biopsy results in a couple of days; or they could cut out the lump, do some kind of "frozen section" and do an instant biopsy right then and there and find out if it was cancer. If it was cancer, then he'd cut out some extra tissue to be absolutely sure he got a clean margin all around.

Well, to me that was a no-brainer - one-stop shopping, do the biopsy right then and there! So once I came out of the anesthesia, I found out that it was cancer, and I could start dealing with it. Much better than waiting and wondering "what if" and dealing with all those people who blindly say "oh you'll be fine, don't worry." What planet are they from?

Hang in there, and come here for support!

 

[Amy]

Oops - I just noticed that I posted this to the wrong thread. Sorry!