Just How Rude Was This? (Wedding Invitation - Related)

[DVCLiz]

DD21 and her boyfriend were invited to the wedding of a fraternity brother - the wedding was yesterday. They accepted the invitation and then had a change of plans. DD's boyfriend was supposed to call and let the bridegroom know but forgot, so essentailly they were just no-shows.

DD21 was unhappy that her boyfriend forgot to make the call and I was really in agreement - but then she let me know that the wedding invitation came by email and it was a "click here to respond" type of evite. Also, the reception was no alcohol and hors d'oerves only, not a seated dinner or even heavy hors d'oerves.

For some reason the lack of the traditional invitation and the casual nature of the reception make this somehow "less rude" to me, although it shouldn't. A missed social event without a proper response is still rude, no matter what, right?

But somehow I don't think of it in the same terms I would if they had responded to a formal printed invitation and cost the bride and groom a couple of seated dinners.

DD21 will still send a gift, even though she barely knows this couple.

I was just curious how others felt - the same degree of rudeness no matter what, or a less serious breach due to the informal nature of the invitation and the casual nature of the reception?

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Regardless of how you're invited to something, I think it's rude to say you'll go and then just not show up... the degree of rudeness doesn't change for me. I'd be wondering where my friends were and if they were okay.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

DD21 and her boyfriend were invited to the wedding of a fraternity brother - the wedding was yesterday. They accepted the invitation and then had a change of plans. DD's boyfriend was supposed to call and let the bridegroom know but forgot, so essentailly they were just no-shows.

DD21 was unhappy that her boyfriend forgot to make the call and I was really in agreement - but then she let me know that the wedding invitation came by email and it was a "click here to respond" type of evite. Also, the reception was no alcohol and hors d'oerves only, not a seated dinner or even heavy hors d'oerves.

For some reason the lack of the traditional invitation and the casual nature of the reception make this somehow "less rude" to me, although it shouldn't. A missed social event without a proper response is still rude, no matter what, right?

But somehow I don't think of it in the same terms I would if they had responded to a formal printed invitation and cost the bride and groom a couple of seated dinners.

DD21 will still send a gift, even though she barely knows this couple.

I was just curious how others felt - the same degree of rudeness no matter what, or a less serious breach due to the informal nature of the invitation and the casual nature of the reception?

I think we are just living in new times. The "old" days is a thing of the past with the introduction of technology. I remember paying hundreds of dollars to have our wedding invitations made and mailed out. This couple really saved by sending the evite.
I do think it is rude not to have called, but it is "less rude" since it isn't a formal dinner or drinks. I think we will start to see more and more of this in the future.

 

[mjkacmom]

That was totally rude! This wasn't a bbq (although not showing up after saying you were planning to attend is still wrong), it was a wedding. I don't care how much the couple was out (since they did pay for the couple to attend) - not even bothering to call is rude. I had to call a co-worker and let her know that DH and I couldn't attend, a week before the wedding (we responded yes, but got a diagnosis of hepititis A, which takes about 6 weeks to recover from), and I still feel bad about it, 20 years later.

We had 4 no-shows, no-calls, at our wedding (15 years ago), and even though it was only $300+ we were out (open bar, heavy apps), I still remember it.

 

[mjkacmom]

I do think it is rude not to have responded, but it is "less rude" since it isn't a formal dinner or drinks. I think we will start to see more and more of this in the future.

They did respond, and said they were coming.

 

[magpie889]

I believe it is a little rude but they should not sweat it so much. It was a mistake he forgot. At least they are still sending a gift which makes up for it!

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

They did respond, and said they were coming.

I know...I meant that they didn't respond to say they weren't coming.

 

[luvmy3]

A no show is a no show no matter what, I still think its rude.

 

[Gigi22]

There will always be no-shows to an event. Things happen at the last minute to everyone. That said, I hope that the OP's DD21's BF has communicated his sincere regrets at not having been able to attend his friend's wedding and reception. It seems to me that since it was the BF's forgetfulness that created the problem, it should be up to him to buy the wedding gift and write a note (an email?) of apology! This, with the idea that two wrongs do not make a right.

 

[MinnieGirl33]

While I do think it rude to no-show a wedding, I think it's a bit more forgivable given there wasn't a huge cost factor for the hosts.

Right or wrong, I'd be more twisted if I paid $150 a head & people didn't show as opposed to $20 a head.

I think whatever gift they send should be a gift + whatever think it may have cost the hosts to invite them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It is rude not to make a quick call, text, or email that you have a change in plans.

Hopefully they make amends with a gift and an apology.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I do not think it was less rude because of the informality of the invitation and reception, but it was probably less inconvenient than if it were a large reception.

I would send a nice gift with a big apology explaining what happened.

 

[Jennasis]

I just recently attended a wedding that had evites sent out. It was WONDERFUL.

It wasno less rude to no-show to that wedding than to a $50K wedding. Send a gift and an apology.

I had an entire family of 5 no-show to my wedding (which was essentially a BBQ but we still paid per head). They decided to go to Six Flags instead that day.

 

[Ceila]

I don't think that the method of inviting guests or the level of formality of an event changes the fact that a no-show is still a no-show, and therefore poor manners.

The reason I do, however, think the BF wasn't quite as rude as some no-shows was that he did intend to call but forgot. Some people change plans and then just don't care about calling to let anyone know they won't come to the original event. Those folks are far ruder than someone who meant to call but then forgot. It was an honest mistake on the BF's part.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

DD21 and her boyfriend were invited to the wedding of a fraternity brother - the wedding was yesterday. They accepted the invitation and then had a change of plans. DD's boyfriend was supposed to call and let the bridegroom know but forgot, so essentailly they were just no-shows.

DD21 was unhappy that her boyfriend forgot to make the call and I was really in agreement - but then she let me know that the wedding invitation came by email and it was a "click here to respond" type of evite. Also, the reception was no alcohol and hors d'oerves only, not a seated dinner or even heavy hors d'oerves.

For some reason the lack of the traditional invitation and the casual nature of the reception make this somehow "less rude" to me, although it shouldn't. A missed social event without a proper response is still rude, no matter what, right?

But somehow I don't think of it in the same terms I would if they had responded to a formal printed invitation and cost the bride and groom a couple of seated dinners.

DD21 will still send a gift, even though she barely knows this couple.

I was just curious how others felt - the same degree of rudeness no matter what, or a less serious breach due to the informal nature of the invitation and the casual nature of the reception?

Absolutely same degree of rudeness.

And rather snobby to think that wedding and reception is not as deserving of common courtesy, or being a "no show" is less rude, just because the bride and groom didn't give you a sit down dinner; ie: basing the degree of rudeness how much "you" were getting out of the wedding and reception.

Depending on the income level of the couple, that $20.00 per head could be as important to their budget as a $150 sit down meal.

Mistakes happen. Have your daughter write a sincere note of apology and send your gift.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

This:

I do not think it was less rude because of the informality of the invitation and reception, but it was probably less inconvenient than if it were a large reception.

I would send a nice gift with a big apology explaining what happened.

And I think the apology should come from the boyfriend, if he was the primary friend of the couple through the groom. There's often the assumption that it's the woman of the couple that should do any kind of note writing.

 

[LuvLDM]

Absolutely same degree of rudeness.

And rather snobby to think that wedding and reception is not as deserving of common courtesy, or being a "no show" is less rude, just because the bride and groom didn't give you a sit down dinner; ie: basing the degree of rudeness how much "you" were getting out of the wedding and reception.

Depending on the income level of the couple, that $20.00 per head could be as important to their budget as a $150 sit down meal.

Mistakes happen. Have your daughter write a sincere note of apology and send your gift.

I could not agree more.

 

[DVCLiz]

Absolutely same degree of rudeness.

And rather snobby to think that wedding and reception is not as deserving of common courtesy, or being a "no show" is less rude, just because the bride and groom didn't give you a sit down dinner; ie: basing the degree of rudeness how much "you" were getting out of the wedding and reception.

Depending on the income level of the couple, that $20.00 per head could be as important to their budget as a $150 sit down meal.

Mistakes happen. Have your daughter write a sincere note of apology and send your gift.

See, that's my issue - was it just as wrong because the rules of good manners are the rules of good manners, no matter what? - or is it somehow different because the hosts didn't follow the traditional rules, either? I mean, it doesn't exactly make you think, "Oh, look, Johnny and Suzie's wedding - how nice that they included us" when you are just one of about 50 fraternity brothers who got a mass email with a "click here" response in the text.

It doesn't really have as much to do with how much the guest "got" out of the event as it does the sense that somehow the infraction is less serious than a formal invitation seated dinner open bar no-show would have been.

But, as I said, manners are still manners and it was still wrong - I do agree with that.

And, I am not "having" my daughter do anything, nor will I tell her boyfriend what to do. I'm staying out of it entirely - other than to freely discuss it with strangers on the internet(!) - because it's not my business to get in the middle of.

I was just curious how others might feel.

Also, there's another thread currently up about evites and the general consensus there seems to be that they are tacky for a wedding - a sentiment with which I wholeheartedly agree.

 

[MinnieGirl33]

Absolutely same degree of rudeness.

And rather snobby to think that wedding and reception is not as deserving of common courtesy, or being a "no show" is less rude, just because the bride and groom didn't give you a sit down dinner; ie: basing the degree of rudeness how much "you" were getting out of the wedding and reception.

Depending on the income level of the couple, that $20.00 per head could be as important to their budget as a $150 sit down meal.

Mistakes happen. Have your daughter write a sincere note of apology and send your gift.

Then I guess I'm a snob for thinking a more relaxed, informal event requires a more relaxed, informal adherence to protocol.

If the hosts were as concerned with proper etiquette they never would have sent out Evites in the first place.

 

[DVCLiz]

Then I guess I'm a snob for thinking a more relaxed, informal event requires a more relaxed, informal adherence to protocol.

If the hosts were as concerned with proper etiquette they never would have sent out Evites in the first place.

Yes, this is exactly what I meant. And I didn't think "snobby" was the right word to describe my feelings, although if it fits I'll be glad to wear it - I do think it's tacky to send out an evite to a wedding, no matter how informal the wedding will be. Even a getting married in the backyard with Queen Anne's lace as a bouquet wedding deserves more than an email, imho.