Just a small ex vent here this morning

[Serena]

Why do people complain about not being able to see someone, and then when given the opportunity, they make excuses on why they can't?

He was complaining about not being able to see Kelsea, but wouldn't call her or visit her, or make plans to see her.
I don't get it at all.

 

[padams]

My MIL does the same thing. She whines and moans to DH that she hasn't seen DSs but when we ask her to do something with us, she's too busy. It's very frustrating. I don't have a solution for you, just some understanding and sympathy. Try not to let it get to you.

 

[Pooh67_68]

because he just wants to try and make your life miserable.
My sister and I grew up without our father ever seeing us, no calls
or any thing(his choice) and we did fine, so will Kelsea

 

[Serena]

Understanding and sympathy?, nahhh. I understand alright, but no sympathy. It's his choice not to see his daughter because he's got more important things to do. Let him live with it.
I just don't understand the complaining.

 

[bjgrazi]

I completely understand where you're coming from. Sometimes they just don't make any sense.

Ex's you no longer have to live with them and you still can't kill them!

 

[Serena]

Originally posted by Pooh67_68
because he just wants to try and make your life miserable.

You're probably right, he was an expert at making me feel like everything was my fault.

 

[C.Ann]

Serena - you should get a chuckle out of this one...

My ex was like that too.. (I have 3 children by my first marriage.) Worse yet, when they were little, he would call every Friday and say he was going to pick them up Saturday morning and then just not show - no phone call, no nothing.. I spent many. many weekends drying tears from disappointed little ones..

Now my DD that I talk about here all the time was only 2 and never really knew him (she considers my current husband to be her "Dad").. In 30 years she has seen my ex MAYBE 4 times.. For some reason, the loss of her best friend recently triggered some need in her to see my ex and she has visited him several times in the past 3 weeks.. Sad to say, his health is very poor right now.. He suffers from severe COPD, had a massive heart attack 2 months ago, had a pacemaker installed (which isn't working) and is now on a heart transplant donor list.. He gave her all kinds of "reasons" for never being in her life - the biggest being that he's "still in love with me" and it was too painful to come here.. (Not sure how that fits in with the fact that he married 2 more times since we divorced..)

Anyhow - she is bringing him up to the lake for the weekend (her travel trailer on my extra lot) and I'm assuming that they're up there already.. I had no intentions of going up there this weekend, but my son-in-law BEGGED me to go because he's so uncomfortable about this..

It get's better though! My son-in-laws PARENTS are headed up there today as well for the weekend - they'll also be putting their motorhome on my extra lot..

So picture this: My extremely uncomfortable son-in-law; his parents; my EX-husband; and ME (the "lost love") all there at the SAME time - LOL....

Ummmmmm.. I think I feel a major "migraine" coming on and just won't be able to go.... LOL

I don't know WHY some men do this - flit in and out of their children's lives - but I know that my DD is setting herself up for a MAJOR hurt and there's absolutely NOTHING I can do about it..

Just be there for your DD - do NOT say anything negative about her Dad (that always backfires) - and hope for the best..

Been there, done that - and there's no easy or logical answer..

Hugs to you and Kelsea..
C.Ann

 

[winniedapooh]

My Mother does a similar thing....."I miss the kids, I want to tell them to have a good time at camp, They left already?" You'd think we live hours away instead of 10 minutes! We even offered to pay for her to come to Disney with us in October, she found excuses! I guess after, gulp, almost 42 years I have finally come to some understanding in this brain of mine that she will always have something more important to do. If I hold onto the bitterness and anger it will transfer over to my kids and I do not want that! So we just listen to Mom's excuses and they get to cherish the times they do get to see her. It does make me sad when she is in the same room as my MIL and they run up and hug MIL and walk right by my Mom. This is a sad result of how she has treated them.

 

[Serena]

Wow C. Ann, that sounds like the family reunion I went to a month or so ago. yeah, a migraine sounds like a good plan.

I think I do a good job of not saying anything bad about him to the girls. I never liked hearing people bad mouth the ex's. It's one thing when the kids can't hear it, it's another when they can.

He's made his choices, as I have mine. I'm going on from there. However, I just can't seem to find any sympathy for him.

 

[jrydberg]

No sympathy for him. But, IMO, not saying anything bad about him in front of the kids is, by far, the most important thing here. As for why he does that, well, in my experience, an awful lot of ex-husbands/wives are just looking for things to complain about.

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

Serena- you are not alone. my ex does this every chance he gets and then wants sympathy cause he doesn't see our daughter, sorry but he ain't getting it here!!!

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by Serena
He's made his choices, as I have mine. I'm going on from there. However, I just can't seem to find any sympathy for him.

-----------------------------------

I've struggled with that part too - the sympathy.. I always knew he would end up like this - old, sick, lonely and missing the kids he totally ignored for over 30 years.. However, he was always a very nice "person" - just a lousy husband and father - so I guess I do feel bad for him now..

Get back to me when he hurts me DD again though.. Then I'll probably want to RIP his "failing" heart right out of his chest and stomp on it.. LOL

It's good that you don't say anything negative about the Dad around the kids - that was a golden rule of mine.. Oddly enough, I once read somewhere that in cases of divorce, the kids tend to "blame" the parent that they're WITH - not the scoundrel that is gone.. Until your kids are all grown you will have a tough road ahead, but believe me - when they're adults they'll realize (and appreciate the fact) that "Mom" was the one they could count on..

 

[Serena]

C. Ann, I've always been here and the one they can count on. They've known that for years. So I don't have that problem. I'm really glad I don't have that problem, but yeah, it's nice not being blamed for all this.

He always cried when listening to "Cats in the cradle". He always talked about how he didn't want to be like that, but that's what happened. He's not been in their lives much, and wonders why they don't seem to miss him.

 

[Lanshark]

Manipulation and control

Short post...

 

[snoopy]

I struggle to figure this out too. I'm lucky in that both my Dad and my husband were/are good fathers, but I know so many people who have either had their fathers abandon them, or their children. One of my best girlfriends is going through this now -- she got divorced when it was discovered her DH was having an affair with the babysitter, who he subsequently married and had a child with. His new family is now his priority, and as a result, the son they had together suffers. He is constantly promising to visit, and almost always cancels at the last minute. I do think in his case the new wife has a lot to do with it -- she's very immature and jealous of the relationship her husband has with his son from the marriage she broke up. All I can say is EVERYBODY meets their maker, and she and he will meet their's one day. Meanwhile, the boy struggles, but his mother is finally learning that its best not to even mention these promised meeting and then just hope for the best. I personally think the best thing would be for her to cut off ties with him completely -- having no father at all is better than one who constantly disappoints -- but then again, I'm not in her shoes.

C.Ann, I think the fact that you are attending this "family reunion" shows what a good Mom you are. You're willing to put aside your own feelings toward this man who abandoned you and your children for the sake of your daughter. That is what good parents do, even when the children are grown. Good for you.

And Laurie, honey, you are also a good Mom. You and the girls are so close and they are able to talk to you about anything, that in my book shows how much they love you.

You come here and vent anytime you want.

 

[Amberle3]

Originally posted by Pooh67_68
My sister and I grew up without our father ever seeing us, no calls or any thing(his choice) and we did fine, so will Kelsea

Gotta agree with this.

My parents divorced when I was around 11. The only time I saw my father during the divorce was when he took me to see his mother (my grandmother) one day. He had a tape recorder hidden in the car, hoping I'd say something he could use against my mother in the divorce. Never saw him again after that. Thank god.

Sometimes, even if they are our parents, we're just better off without them. Some people are poison and the fact that they've managed to breed changes nothing about their disposition, their attitudes or their negative influence on other people.

I know I'm going to offend some people with this next statement, so forgive me. But it takes nothing to be a father (or mother) in the technical sense of the word. There's no special quality involved to being able to produce a baby. It is a truly special thing, however, to be a PARENT and to actually raise a child.

People who participate in the conception of a child and then have no interest in raising the child should be considered exactly what they are - donors.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You know why they complain???

Because the complaining acts like a distraction in their mind (ie they are lying to themselves) AND that is how they justify not seeing someone.

 

[S. C.]

Originally posted by C.Ann
Serena -
I don't know WHY some men do this - flit in and out of their children's lives - but I know that my DD is setting herself up for a MAJOR hurt and there's absolutely NOTHING I can do about it..

Just be there for your DD - do NOT say anything negative about her Dad (that always backfires) - and hope for the best..

Been there, done that - and there's no easy or logical answer..

Hugs to you and Kelsea..
C.Ann

It is not ALWAYS men who do this. My grandsons MOTHER is the same way. She even left for 2 yrs and moved out of state with a boyfriend without seeing or calling either one of her 3 children ( one from my son and two from a boyfriend) She couldn't even be bothered to show up for court when my son went for custody. but 5 months later when the boyfriend wanted to move back to our state they came back. now she will see him every now & then. but is presently trying to talk him into moving in with her. I guess she wants more WELFARE money . I wish she would quit playing mind games with him. tells him she wants him there but when GS finally gets her on the phone she tells him she will be there to pick him up and doesn't show or call, he runs to the window to see if it is her everytime he hears a car. His dad takes him over to her when they can catch her home or he would NEVER see his mom.

 

[padams]

Oh no, you misunderstood my earlier post. I meant that I understand your feelings, not that you should understand your ex. I don't have any sympathy or understanding for HIM, nor should you.
Pamela

 

[Serena]

Pamela