Warning: If you're not up to more in the saga of my DS19, skip this post. I needed desperately to vent.
I was tired when I got up this morning. Now I'm too emotionally exhausted to sleep.
Got DD off to school - barely. DS16 got up and did school, left for work and I decided to opt for a short nap instead of exercise or packing up ebay. I guess the Lord knew I'd need that rest, as I slept for over 2 hours! Packaged ebay, mailed it on the way to take DD to DH for fencing.
Ran to pay DS16's gym tuition, then stopped at DS19's to find out what was going on w/ the apt situation as it is now the 7th, the lease was up on the 31 and they were supposed to be evicted anyway, and he has no money to pay rent, etc.
As I walked up I heard voices - male and female - coming from his bedroom window. His computer is in there, so wasn't too surprised. Knocked. Roomie answered, called DS19 and no answer, told me maybe he wasn't there. I said, no, I heard him, maybe he's sleeping. Roomie knocked again and told him his mom was here. Out comes DS19, fuming, tosses 2 papers at me, yelling about them being a violation of the restraining order the idiot girl got. Well, she was in his room, came over on her own, again..... Claims she didn't file that there was a violation, that she didn't file in the first place, doesn't know how this happened, etc.
Instead of killing her like I would have liked, I started taking down info. This is a felony charge against DS19, SHE is the one who has violated, numerous times that I've witnessed including tonight. I told her that she was violating and that she needed to leave.
Well, the other roomie comes over and starts shouting at me that this is not my home and I can't tell anyone to leave, etc. I reminded him that this apt is in DS19's name only and that technically it is NONE of their homes now as they are living there illegally. DS19 then came out, with his hideous many edged knife, screaming at me to 'get the !@##' out of there.
I left, called DH, who informed me that he 'can't deal with this', that he has a job and a career, and that as far as he's concerned we only have 2 children. That I need to forget that DS19 even exists. I told him I thought we should take the car back temporarily as if/when DS19 gets arrested, bail is $500 and we won't be paying it, or 30 days jail. They will impound the car and DS19 has no money to get it out and thus will lose it. DH won't. Says DS19 needs the car. I agree, but not when he will soon lose it. So, DH proceeds to ream me, also.
I'm at wits end. I feel like a total failure as a mom. You know, the typical, my kid's gone bad, must be my fault. I made the decision when DS19 was 3 to give up my career and be a SAHM. Homeschooled him til HS when he opted for the wrong crowd. He has always been a difficult kid - way too intelligent for his own good, but not a lick of common sense. I've tried to be there for all 3. I can count on 1 hand the number of times total they've been left with anyone but me or DH. I have no friends, no family anywhere nearby. I can't talk with DH as he's blaming everything on me as is typical. I'm always wrong, even when I'm right - but that is nothing new.
I feel as though my heart is being ripped out. I'm too beat to pray, too angry to cry. When I saw DS19 I could see (and feel) the intense anguish/desperation/anger he was feeling. Yes, he then directed it toward me, much like a caged animal - no excuse. But I feel like if we abandon him, everyone has abandoned him. I have been with this kid almost 24/7/365 for over 18 years, I can't pretend he doesn't exist. DH says we need to change all the locks and not answer the door or phone if it is DS19.
There is no phone where he lives, so when they finally pick him up, I have no way of knowing. If I go over, the idiot roomie probably won't even tell me the truth, if they even answer the door. And, if they don't impound the car, and the roomies get the keys, who knows who will have the car - which is now paid off, but we can't put into DS19's name until the title arrives.
So, I leave DS19's come home, clean up my mess from packaging ebay, eat 2 slices of turkey, throw up from nerves. DS16 comes home from gym hungry and I told him I wasn't up to fixing anything, gave him money to go get something. He brought Quiznos and said he got one for me. I took about 3 bites and lost that.
DS16 girl friend - work buddy - not dating - called and wanted him to come over and watch Last Samurai with her and her sisters. I said it was ok if he was home by 11 (gave him about a 20 min cushion on the length of the movie). In walks DH. Decided that it was not OK for DS16 to go over there as she is 18. Proceeds to rant and rave at DS16 about everything under the son (this is the reaction forever whenever DS19 does wrong, the other 2 get the wrath for it, not DS19) My typical middle child accepts it, then later asks if it is OK for Tiffany to come over here to watch it. He does not want to ask Dad. So I do. DH insists on talking to DS16. Tells him he thinks it not good to have an 18 yo female friend, then says ok for her to come over. They aren't dating. This girl is from a family that allows 'courting', no dating. DS16 and Tiffany went to Freedom Fest this weekend and her little sister had to come along. Nice, Christian family with values. DH just doesn't get it. DS19's weird girls/friends were ok, tho.
So, I can't sleep, and am still trying to finish lisiting ebay but I'm having a hard time concentrating. I'm really craving sweets, but not even that is appealing. I just now finished my 64 oz decaf tea and have managed nothing else to drink today. feel swollen and gross. It's just a good thing there's no ice cream in the house, or Krispy Kreme donuts.
Thanks for being there guys. Venting in writing is better than not at all. Thanks for caring!
That is great news about the airfare though! We booked my MIL through Airtran for our trip to Florida at $69/each way. The next day, DING had airfare around $48/each way. Although we couldn't take advantage of it, DING is a good thing! 
(Maybe that should be their slogan. 
)
Mike is right, sometimes no matter how hard a parent tries some children will just do what they choose to do. I always think of these children as the ones with so much independence that they have to learn things the hard way. My DSis gave her oldest every opportunity to hlep her through college and none of it was appreciated. My neice threw it all back in her mom's face after a semester and moved out. Now we don't know where she really is, but my DSis cherishes the moments that her daughter calls. She knows that there have been times when my niece was looking to move back, but she has had to take a tough stance and not allow that since she still has children at home to take care of. But it doesn't mean that she cares any less for her oldest.
Oh Julie, 
for you!
