jokes: New Dave Letterman on pg 2

[2bemarried]

heard it before...but still funny.

 

[dmadman43]

Originally posted by Truth
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a
small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the
wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing
squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the
confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was
reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the
order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al
slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking,
"I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop
over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was
reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to
ear and yelled, "Fire!"

Again with the recycled jokes? While funny, somewhat juvinile in the humor dept. I'm sure there are some original jokes out there about Bush that don't require the substituting of his name for a nationality.

 

[Truth]

 

[Truth]

Transcription not exact but very close.

The champaign for president is just around the corner,
so tonight we thought it would be a good opportunity for us to show you a little
comparison between John Kerry and george bush.

Here's how this goes,

John Kerry critized for throwing away his military service medals,
bush, ... no medals to throw.

Kerry remembered by Yale classmates as an ambitious,
intelligent young man who was going places.

bush, remembered by Yale classmates as a cheerleader

he was a cheerleader,
I think that's the thing to keep in mind
There he is right there

In times of trouble who do you want leading this country
well by gosh I want a cheerleader leading this country.

bush, strongly opposes the legalization of gay marriage,

kerry, noncommittal on the issue of gay marriage but
would marry a dude if it would help get him elected.

bush, Mary Kay

Kerry, Ashley

John Kerry now, his wife describes herself as sexy.

bush, his mother describes herself as a
"dime-piece shorty with a bangin' booty,yo.

Kerry, constantly getting ketchup in his bank account

bush, constantly getting ketchup on his nice " presidentin'" pants.

Kerry, believes the solution to a peaceful Iraq is complicated.

bush, believes the plot to a "Soulplane was complicated.

John Kerry calls saddam hussein a red herring in the war on terror.

bush calls saddam hussein late at night and makes electric chair noises.

bush describes kerry as a flip flopper

kerry thinks of himself as more of a waffler.

Kerry thinks hamid karzai should guard against a taliban resurgence.

bush, " huh? "

and finally, and this is not fair this last one but we'll do it anyway.

finally,

kerry, horseface

bush, *******

 

[phyllis1966]

I saw this and I was !

 

[shortbun]

The quickie/quiche joke is much funnier without the
additional line. It's all about delivery. I really like all
the jokes, they are funny. I'm not sure what the complaint
about the 'name versus nationality" was but anyway-
they're all funny. I loved Letterman's comedy at the expense
of both candidates. A sense of humor is sometimes lacking
around here though!
The only humor I don't like is at the expense of someone who
is hurt and did not intend to put their lives out there. Polticians
just have to get over it.

 

[MJames41]

Originally posted by Truth

I didn't know Clinton played golf...

 

[Truth]

After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction.

The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top
part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in
writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken,
so the pilot on the next flight of that plane can review the form
before taking off.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
responses with 'P' = the problem logged by the pilot, 'S' = the
solution and action taken by engineers. Qantas, by the way, is the only
majorairline that has never had an accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

 

[Truth]

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped,
fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing,
pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever
they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No
problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said,
"I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo
headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't
look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved
you from drowning!"

 

[Truth]

New York City is getting ready for the Republican convention... and,
by the way, I think this is the perfect city to kick off a crooked election.