Jealous...(Vent)

[AdventureGuru]

So, for 5 years I have waited PATIENTLY for BF to get his life together...I find out that we are being invited to a wedding...FOR A COUPLE WHO WE GOT TOGETHER! Um hello...So, I said..."do I really have to go to this." His reply was that I dont have to make special plans. However, if I dont go I look bitter-Quiet honestly-I can't stand the bride (sorry but she's WAY TOO high maintence-even on a friendship level-dont get me started)
I know I should be happy for her-and I am...BUT augh...I couldnt even talk to BF last night b/c I was so furious...its not worth asking "when are we" b/c it just starts a fight.
We have a great relationship-don't get me wrong...and I know why its taken so long for him to move forward (long story and I'm not going to post it-but there is just cause) So, here I sit waiting patiently...and I know this will pass...but what a pain in the bum! It could have beeen worse-she could have asked me to be in it...(thank goodness she didnt....she is definately the type to be bridezilla!) And yes it does tork me that 1. she is younger than me and 2. She's been divorced once already!
Needless to say-I sent him away for the day and I'm going to a friends house to house sit for the rest of the week so that I can cool down. I need sometime away to rest my clock and look at things rationally...

***Now the funny part is...they are getting married on the day that BF got married to his first wife...is that an omen???

OK oK I'm done...thanks for listening....

 

[littleladykaty]

okay, I am going to tell you something and I hope that you don't get angry or feel that I just don't the know the facts so I don't really know...which is true, this is going to be long but please read it... here goes...

I spent 6 years with a guy who had been married before me...he had a daughter...he and I lived together, I took care of his daughter. Got her started doing ballet when she was 6...(she was on point by 9...OT but I'm just proud of her) Anyhow...we were a family for all intents and purposes. I did his laundry, picked out her clothes...talked to her about "girl" stuff, went to office parties, weddings of friends that we had known before they were together...blah blah blah on and on...Everybody asked "when are you two going to get married", Question of the YEAR let me tell you. We would TALK about our "wedding", who would do what...his mom would do a reading, my mom would sing...his brother would be his best man...his little girl would be a junior bridesmaid b/c she had gotten to big to be a flower girl...we TALKED about it. But when people would ask I would always say "You know guys, he came from a VERY bad marriage. It was very traumatizing for him to get divorced being from Ireland and all...they don't do that so much over there...she cheated on him, blindsided him...he's still healing...he has a hard time trusting..." Every excuse in the book. And you know all that stuff was actually true. But the fact is, He WAS NEVER GOING TO MARRY ME! Why would he?! He had everything he needed...I was always on egg shells not wanting to fight about getting married. His friends kept saying "You can't push him...he needs time" But after a while, it was too much y'know? He didn't give a d*mn about what I needed or wanted. I was not important enough for him to get past his "issues" after SIX YEARS to make that committment to me. I know he had a terrible divorce and his ex was and continues to be a walking talking NIGHTMARE of a woman who does not deserve to have children, but that is NOT an excuse. I paid for her mistakes over and over. And as a result, my self esteem was destroyed. I enabled him to stay in that little place by not demanding that he treat me better, that he consider my needs.

this is getting rambly here, but what I'm trying to say is that there isn't an excuse for feeling the way you feel. You shouldn't have to feel that way...tip toe around the subject of marriage as though it's something to fight about!! Marriage is a HAPPY thing, and even if he has the "proceed with caution" light on, he should at least be respectful of your feelings on the matter and obviously you are feeling badly. You said you are jealous and that is probably b/c YOU want to get married and HE doesn't and it is battering your self esteem. Do you really want to marry someone who had to be "talked into" marrying you? You are worth adoration...you are worth being deeply loved by a man who WANTs to make a committment to you. The fact that you are feeling jealous means that you have some choices to make. Your needs ARE NOT being met. PERIOD. It doesn't mean that you aren't being patient and not understanding...I did that to myself for years...blaming MY selfishness for wanting to get married.

My relationship with this man nearly destroyed me...quite literally. I won't go into it, but my will to even live started to slip away...of course a lot of other things went into that, but it was soul sucking to say the very least.

By the grace of God I met my now fiance. He saw my sadness...even when I insisted that I was in a relationship, I was happy...we would get married eventually. He recognized how trapped I was, how sad. And when things got bad he was there...even though I pushed him away as hard as I could. I was now terrified of a relationship of any kind...kept telling him that I needed time, that I wasn't ready. And you know what...he didn't buy it. And when I returned from a trip to Ireland he was there to pick me up...he had flowers, so happy to see me. We came back to his new house...wow, everything looks great. Then he says "I got you a present..." Awww, how nice...WOW a cute little coach wristlet, I LOVE coach..."look inside he said..." And there was my ring and he was on his knees in front of me. "I love you, and I'm ready. I want you to be my wife. I know you are scared and hurt a have a lot of healing to do, but I love you and I want to get married. Will you be my wife?"

If he had not pushed, had not swept aside all the bullsh*t I had accumulated I would have turned into what I had been so hurt by. He does adore me, almost rediculously so...I don't see it. I don't know why he would love me so much, but that is part of my healing process. His love, our relationship is so restorative...and it's not all roses, but at the end of the day he is committed to me, happy or sad, raging or laughing, he loves me and is in it for the long haul. THAT is what people need in their lives. You don't want to wait this guy out and when you FINALLY get married have tons of resentment built up over the years of waiting.

just please please think of you and what your needs are if they are being met.

thank you for reading my long story...

god bless

 

[CJLKIM]

Thanks for sharing Katy. I was in a similar situation and it came down to me finally being happy. I told him that until he could get past his first marriage (it has been 6 years since the divorce) then there was no future for us because the "egg shell tiptoeing" had about done me in. I simply told him that if all that I had done for him, all the time I'd stood by him and his kids, my faithfulness, etc. was still not proof of how much he meant to me and did not ease his insecurity then nothing ever would.

There was a change in him after that. He did a lot of soul searching because he knew that he had a choice to make...he had to decide just how much I meant to him and if he could meet MY needs for a change. We've now been engaged for a little over six months and he has actively been helping with wedding prep. We originally set our wedding for March 2007 (10 years from our first date...yes I hung in a long time) but we have moved it up to this November so we can get married on Castaway Cay when we're on vacation.

Decisions are not always easy - but everyone deserves happiness and it not right to always put your needs on the back burner. Sometimes, as in my case, people come around and realize just how important you are to them and that they don't want to lose you...for others, as in Katy's case, something better is around the corner waiting to show you the love you deserve.

Guru, the point is that you have earned the position of mother and WIFE. From everything you wrote - you are ready to be a wife. Don't settle for something less...he has some decisions to make....or you do..we're all behind you on whatever decision you make.....

 

[Ember]

I wanted to say that I COMPLETELY agree with the idea that there is a problem here. Bringing up the question of marriage should not cause a fight. It should not be a taboo subject for fear of upsetting him - in fact no subject should be taboo in a relationship. If you keep accumulating things you aren't allowed to talk about in 20 years there will be nothing to talk about.

On the other side of this I wanted to share my story. My FH and I have been together 9 years and engaged for a year. After 3 years he was ready to get married. I wasn't. It had nothing to do with not being wildly in love but I honestly wasn't ready. I wanted to enter a marriage fully confident of myself. I believe that I am a full and complete human being all on my own - not half of someone else. This actually sums up my feeling pretty well (and it will be part of my ceremony):

A joining is a partnership, not two people becoming one. Two minds cannot fuse, two souls cannot merge, two hearts cannot keep the same time. You are two who choose to walk the same path, to bridge the differences between you with love. You must remember and respect those differences, for they are part of what made you come to love in the first place. Love is patient, love is willing to compromise - love is willing to admit it is wrong. There will be hard times; you must face them side by side. There will be pain - but pain shared is pain halved, as joy shared is joy doubled.

You must not pledge yourselves thinking that you can change each other. That is disrespectful, for no one has the right to change another. You must not pledge yourselves thinking that there will be no strife between you. That is fantasy, for you are two and not one, and there will inevitably come conflict. You must not pledge yourselves thinking that all will be well from this moment on. That is a dream, and dreamers must eventually wake. You must come to this joining fully ready, committed, and respectful of each other.
​

It took me another 5 years to feel I was ready to be married, and he just waited patiently. Rushing into it as a way of "getting past" my issues would not have worked for me (though I can deffinately see why it was a good step for the other poster). I really did want to go into my marriage "fully ready, committed, and respectful" of both him and our relationship.

That said, marriage was never a huge issue with us. When ever it came up it was with the understanding that it would happen and that he was ready whenever I was. It was openly talked about and always positive. (And on the up side, I knew all along I wanted my Disney wedding so we've been tucking money away for years!)

I think the biggest concern here is that lack of caring for your feelings that your BF seems to have rather than the issue of marriage. And the other poster was also right in that you shouldn't have to convince someone to marry you. In the back of your mind you will always wonder if he did it because he wanted to or because you forced his hand.

I hope this works out for you!!

 

[AdventureGuru]

thank you for your opinions...I came here for a little support...not for my relationship to be judged...

 

[CJLKIM]

Trust your gut! I stuck it out when alot of people thought I was nuts and despite the troubles it came around...it just took a while.

You know your heart and others can look at your situation and in an attempt to help appear judgemental. I'm sorry....You were "venting" and it was meant to be just that...venting...which we all do from time to time. You were looking for support and received criticism..I'll give you the support you need... How about, "Men, they just don't know what's good for them...They can be soooo stubborn".

To see someone getting married and feel jealous is absolutely normal if married is something you want to be. As far as attending the wedding - it sounds like there is alot more to the "high maintenance" story that you chose to keep to yourself..ultimately the choice is yours. If she considers you a friend it could hurt her feelings by you not showing up...but, if you guys aren't all that close (and it doesn't sound like you are) then don't bother...send them a nice card... Or you could always go and use it as a learning experience....what you may or may not want as part of your wedding when the time comes....

 

[allisonswonderland]

I am not sure they meant this as criticism --- I have been in the relationship w/ my fiance for 7 years and we have both been ok about where we were - I would get upset when people would question why we were not married and I would look at my friends who had been married and divorced twice and with several kids from each marriage. It is a hard situation and I think the gals were just trying to help. I know you probably took it as criticism as you are already upset and probably somewhat insecure about it - I think they were trying to help, atleast that is what I am doing- not everyone is the same. We are slow because he is a divorce lawyer and my parents were divorced after over 30 yrs together... we wanted to make sure.

 

[littleladykaty]

I truly was not trying to criticize as I stated earlier...but I just wanted to put my two cents out there so maybe, if you saw yourself in my story, that you wouldn't waste years of your life as I did. If you truly are happy and feeling that your needs are met and are just having a GRRR moment, I totally understand that too.

Just reading your post made me hurt in that old way...the way I did when I was in a very bad, soul sucking relationship. I needed someone who was impartial to see the problem and point it out to me before I could see it myself. I wouldn't wish what I was living on anyone.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. I truly was not trying to critcize. Just trying to help. That's the trouble with message boards though, we can't see your face or hear your voice...all we can do read our own reactions to your words and respond accordingly.

hope all is well

 

[littleladykaty]

You were looking for support and received criticism..

not to start any sort of argument...but nobody was criticising the OP. We were giving our assessment of the situation as we saw it. Just b/c the support didn't come in the form of "Stupid boys...he'll come around" does not mean that it wasn't valuable and supportive. Actually mine was the only post that involved leaving the relationship...everyone else was in a situation that felt simaler to the OP and they ended up working it out with the person. Where's the criticism?

Those of us on this board are planning weddings and feeling that rush of being happy and looking forward to the future. At least I am, and I don't want anyone to ever feel the way I did for so long. Support comes in all forms. Take it in the spirit it was given, which I believe was a sincere hope that all will end happily...That's all

 

[CJLKIM]

Katy,

I don't want to argue with any of you either. As you pointed out, a problem with the discussion boards is that you are merely reading the words and you lose the voice, emotion and facial gestures that show the true spirit in which they were intended.

Maybe I shouldn't have used the word criticism because the OP used the word "judged"...she felt we judged her. When I reread her post I realized she didn't really ask for input - she was simply venting and needed a "it'll be okay - we're behind you attitude" and that's not what I gave her....thus my apology. I was addressing myself - I jumped in to offer her guidance and help and it wasn't what she asked for....she needed an ear.

Happiness is what is important. My relationship luckily worked out (although it came down to the point of me leaving and him having to make some decisions) where you were blessed to find happiness with what sounds like a wonderful man from all your various wedding posts.

I have simply let the OP know that if she wants my opinion then I will offer it but until that time my ear and shoulder are hers without judgment.

I wish everyone many congratulations on their pending weddings and pray the OP finds the happiness she deserves

 

[Codie]

Hi Guru...
If there is one thing that I have always lived by, the only people that know if they are in a good situation are the people in it. It is impossible for anyone else to know ALL the details that lead up to the event in question. My dh just plain wasn't ready to get married until we had been together for four years. We don't have any other additional complicating factors, like kids or prior marriages, but like you, I saw others getting married that hadn't been together that long and it hurt a little. We were already like a married couple and that gets you all the why buy the cow when you get the milk for free comments...those are just dumb. To some extent, it makes it more difficult as you have no real leverage to force a marriage--but you really don't want to force the marriage, you just want him to realize that marriage really won't be any different than what you are already doing. (of course, it might be a better example for the dd). Problem that I always ran into, he would say, if it is no different, than why do you want it? For me it was a stressor because neither set of parents loved what we were doing and I constantly felt like we were "sneaking" around. Anyway...enough babbling...I feel your pain. I do think that you have to talk about it though...if you think it will happen, it will. But don't punish the friend just because you wish it was your time. When your time comes, it will be perfect--and YOU won't be a bridezilla;-)

 

[AdventureGuru]

Codie...thanks-you make perfect sense...
As for being congratulatory to the bride (she is definatley not a friend of mine-it was more guilt by association) When I did congratulate her I got some shot about-well one of us had to get married eventually didnt we. When I say snob...oh my gosh..I could go on for hours-I shouldnt sweat the small stuff...she really isnt worth my time...
I hope the cake falls on her dress~!!!

I know thats bad...but it would at least be worth having to waste the time to go

 

[Ember]

I wanted to apologize as well. To the original poster - none of us know your situtation. But people have had experiences that they thought may help and I'm pretty sure that's why everyone shared. Obviously that isn't what you were looking for - it is, however, a natural reaction. You posted a problem and people wanted to help, I don't think people should be faulted for that. I've never been a good person to have around during a pity party because I always want to help.

You also have to realize that idea that you talking to your BF about getting married will lead to a fight is difficult for many people. I personally see this as being a problem and deffinately not something I would consider healthy. You obviously don't see it the same way. Which is fine.

So again I apologize. I hope this works out for you.

 

[ducklovr]

I support you but it sounds like you need to quit tip toeing around the subject and make in know how you feel. What you feel is a truly loving and beautiful feeling. You should not be scared about it. He is probably just insecure and afraid that what happened before could happen again. Reassure him girl! Let him know that all women are different just like every man is different. Let him know that you want to spend the rest of your life with him and only him. I had to go through the same thing and guess what? I am currently planning my Disney wedding. My fiancée proposed to me at CRT on December 3, 2005. It was the most beautiful moment of my life. I had a beautiful glass slipper presented to me with a rose bud. Around the rose bud was my engagement ring. He got down on one knee and everything. This was so amazing to me b/c he is so not the romantic guy. He totally surprised me!

Stand up for what you feel. Never be afraid of your feelings. Your happiness is dependent on your actions. If others make us happy that is just a bonus.


Hang in there

 

[ducklovr]

I support you but it sounds like you need to quit tip toeing around the subject and make in know how you feel.

I support you but it sounds like you need to quit tip toeing around the subject and make it know how you feel.

Sorry...I am drinking wine. hehe

 

[ducklovr]

Wish I could let the bad words fly b/c I would cuss myself...hehe

I support you but it sounds like you need to quit tip toeing around the subject and make in known how you feel.

If I made anymore mistakes I am truly sorry. It's been a bad day at work and I was in need of the wine.

 

[JDMasso]

Guru:

You need to do what makes you happy. I agree with ducklovr. Maybe you need to speak up (not nagging him), but telling him that you love him and that it maybe time to take the next step together as a couple. Ultimately, u have to do what makes you happy. Really sit down and analyze the situation. If being with him really makes you happy, then stay with him. But if deep down you have a gut feeling that something's wrong, then maybe u should go with that gut feeling.

Please don't think that the other posters were criticizing, it's just that relationships is a topic we all know about, and everyone has different experiences. See their opinions as just that, their personal experiences.