I've had it with my DH AND my MIL... **UPDATE, Post #17**

[lovemygoofy]

I think you are being ugly about your husband saying he "needs to be a man" and tell his mom whatfor. You need to love and respect your husband. You can be upset about he is treated but not your place to tell him what to do. This is between him and his mother. Whether you understand or like the relationship, whatever it may be, this is his mother and no doubt he does love her.

Giving him advice or pushing him to do something isn't going to do anything other than put you smack dab in the middle which isn't your place. Your place is at your husband's side and back giving him support and a soft place to land.

 

[minkydog]

That is because you are cheering him on for being mean to his mother instead of taking my advice of just giving him a hug and telling him it will be OK.

Remove yourself from her drama. I know it is hard because you are completely pissed at her for being a witch to him.

Just tell him it will be OK, instead of telling him you are doing the "right thing". It will make you and him feel better.

Yup. And you need to just stop bashing his mother because that will eventually come back to haunt you. Be supportive, but offer no opinion about HIS MOTHER. Children never outgrow the need for their parents, even if their parents are awful. One of the reasons manipulation works is that children keep holding out hope that if they just try harder or act better or do more, their parent will love them. So they keep jumping through hoops and the result never improves.

Your husband isn't being stupid(your word, gah!) He has been manipulated by this person all his life. It's hard to break free of that. If you've never had to separate yourself from an overbearing parent, you have no idea how hard it is. He will have to find his own way on this. Keep your mouth shut before you do permanent harm to your marriage!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't know--I'm kind of mixed feelings.

How is MIL treats him does impact you. He will bring the drama to you--which is probably why you are so upset over it.

I would applaud him. She tried to bait him again and he resisted. If it played out as you said--that is a very big and important step with him. His mother is PSYCHOLOGICALLY abusing your husband. She sounds terrible.

Being his guide is not bad--I'm not sure I'd go as far to say that you injected yourself where you should not have gone.

Telling someone "it will be okay"--when it isn't...doesn't solve the problem. He needed the abuse to stop and it is okay to rejoice that he finally realized that and did something about it.

But that is only if he truly feels that and just isn't channeling your opinions onto MIL.

Sometimes it takes someone nudging you, before you realize that you can stand up for yourself.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I don't know--I'm kind of mixed feelings.

How is MIL treats him does impact you. He will bring the drama to you--which is probably why you are so upset over it.

I would applaud him. She tried to bait him again and he resisted. If it played out as you said--that is a very big and important step with him. His mother is PSYCHOLOGICALLY abusing your husband. She sounds terrible.

Being his guide is not bad--I'm not sure I'd go as far to say that you injected yourself where you should not have gone.

Telling someone "it will be okay"--when it isn't...doesn't solve the problem. He needed the abuse to stop and it is okay to rejoice that he finally realized that and did something about it.

But that is only if he truly feels that and just isn't channeling your opinions onto MIL.

Sometimes it takes someone nudging you, before you realize that you can stand up for yourself.

Thank you. She IS, and HAS been doing this "verbal abuse" for as long as I have known him. Degrading him and guilt tripping him to get what she wants. And up until the other day, he has NEVER stood up to her.

It is SO hard for me to sit back and say nothing when she treats him terribly, talks to him - her OWN and ONLY son, worse than someone would talk to their worst enemy!

He has never known any other way, and for some reason, I think he feels safe now.

I don't talk negatively about his mother to him. I wouldn't do that.

 

[OceanAnnie]

You are in a rough and tough spot. Hard to be objective. Hard to keep mum. You see him as being taken advantage of and manipulated. You love him. You are in his corner. No one likes to see their loved ones mistreated. It does sound like a complex and complicated relationship. As hard as it is, try to step back. Listen. Be there for him. Let him do what he needs to do, whatever it may be.

I know what it's like to have someone tell you how bad someone makes them feel, unload all the baggage, say to you, "No more will I accept this.". You feel like crap (for the person), the person feels better for unloading. Until the next time. You want to stop the insanity for his sake (and yours). It's a constant cycle.

I don't know what the answer is, other than to let him own it. Support him. Try to make life easier for him. Still not easy for you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It sounds wonderful how your husband was able to handle this!!!

However, no matter how happy/relieved/etc... you may be feeling. You do need to be careful about how you handle this now.... Refrain from saying "GREAT!!! YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!! I HOPE YOU DO AS YOU SAID AND NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN....." Because, anything along those lines does place you right in the line of fire, right between him and his mother.

I feel like I am in this really awkward place now. I am on his side, telling him what he is doing is right, not to take his mom's crap. At the same time, I feel he might resent me one day.

These comments (quoted here) seem to be a little tooooooo close to that line.

Just let him know that you know how hard that this must have been for him... That you are so proud that he was able to do what he did (standing up for himself)... etc...

 

[Sleepy]

My own mother gave me a bit of advice a few years after I married. She said "Let your husband handle his parents".

It is difficult to sit back and see a spouse being emotionally mistreated by bullying parents. You think being supportive is getting involved, giving your two cents, and telling your spouse how he should handle it. Actually, by doing all those things, the only thing you will accomplish is a divorce.

Your spouse looks to you to be supportive....an outlet from the insanity and someone who understands. Your job is to be there if he wants to talk, but not to tell him what you would do. Just listen. That is all you should do. Just say "You did what you felt was best". Never respond with "I told you this was what you had to do".

Never initiate conversation about his parents. To you, they don't even exist. Use that advice. Your spouse doesn't want to hear you asking him what she has said lately. He doesn't want to hear you telling him he should call her and "put her in her place once and for all". Don't even ask about her. You will find he will be more at ease and better capable of handling it the way he feels most comfortable. He has to do this without feeling like he is doing what you told him to do.

Just remember that he is trying to save his parental relationship. Nobody wants to cut off their own parents. You are causing tension whether you realize it or not. He wants to make everyone happy. He is the one who should ultimately be happy and he isn't right now. He has mom attacking him and you are coming at him from the other direction. He feels trapped. I am sure right now he feels like he has chosen you over his mother. Afterall, his response toward mother is what you felt should have happened. Mom probably feels rejected whether she is at fault or not. She has responded the only way she knows how. Yes, it might be childish to take you off Facebook, but you don't need to add fuel to the fire by telling your husband that. Just leave it alone. Don't even talk about her or her actions. Let him handle it.

 

[cm8]

My own mother gave me a bit of advice a few years after I married. She said "Let your husband handle his parents".

It is difficult to sit back and see a spouse being emotionally mistreated by bullying parents. You think being supportive is getting involved, giving your two cents, and telling your spouse how he should handle it. Actually, by doing all those things, the only thing you will accomplish is a divorce.

Your spouse looks to you to be supportive....an outlet from the insanity and someone who understands. Your job is to be there if he wants to talk, but not to tell him what you would do. Just listen. That is all you should do. Just say "You did what you felt was best". Never respond with "I told you this was what you had to do".

Never initiate conversation about his parents. To you, they don't even exist. Use that advice. Your spouse doesn't want to hear you asking him what she has said lately. He doesn't want to hear you telling him he should call her and "put her in her place once and for all". Don't even ask about her. You will find he will be more at ease and better capable of handling it the way he feels most comfortable. He has to do this without feeling like he is doing what you told him to do.

Just remember that he is trying to save his parental relationship. Nobody wants to cut off their own parents. You are causing tension whether you realize it or not. He wants to make everyone happy. He is the one who should ultimately be happy and he isn't right now. He has mom attacking him and you are coming at him from the other direction. He feels trapped. I am sure right now he feels like he has chosen you over his mother. Afterall, his response toward mother is what you felt should have happened. Mom probably feels rejected whether she is at fault or not. She has responded the only way she knows how. Yes, it might be childish to take you off Facebook, but you don't need to add fuel to the fire by telling your husband that. Just leave it alone. Don't even talk about her or her actions. Let him handle it.

:

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't know--I'm kind of mixed feelings.

How is MIL treats him does impact you. He will bring the drama to you--which is probably why you are so upset over it.

I would applaud him. She tried to bait him again and he resisted. If it played out as you said--that is a very big and important step with him. His mother is PSYCHOLOGICALLY abusing your husband. She sounds terrible.

Being his guide is not bad--I'm not sure I'd go as far to say that you injected yourself where you should not have gone.

Telling someone "it will be okay"--when it isn't...doesn't solve the problem. He needed the abuse to stop and it is okay to rejoice that he finally realized that and did something about it.

But that is only if he truly feels that and just isn't channeling your opinions onto MIL.

Sometimes it takes someone nudging you, before you realize that you can stand up for yourself.

As a wife, you cannot "solve" the problem, only be part of the problem.

Telling your DH it will be OK, is the right thing here because he is distraught. It is a positive support and validation of what he did and not negative. "It will be OK" and "You did the right thing" ultimately conveys that you support your DH. Telling him he "did the right thing" can be wierd, since he feels awful right now.

 

[southernbelle5672]

So, I have an opposite perspective on this ---- I'M the one with the crazy mother. She is extremely manipulative and I KNOW DH can't stand her. But he doesn't say it. When she starts acting terrible he just tries to let me vent and tell me that I'm right.

My mother has done all sorts of things that could be considered "unforgiveable"... but she's my Mom and it's difficult to let her go. My sister is now estranged from my mother and she's only 20 years old (a time when a mom is important)! I have just learned not to let her make me feel guilty or inferior and just realize this is one of her "things" and it will pass. I think DH would prefer me to not talk to her anymore but he also understands that she will always be my mother.

It's a tough situation but in life everyone has tough situations and we just have to deal with them the best we can.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I feel like I am in this really awkward place now. I am on his side..... telling him what he is doing is right, not to take his mom's crap. At the same time, I feel he might resent me one day.

You shouldn't be 'on his side' when it comes to him and his mother...
Because, that means that you are AGAINST his mother.
And, no matter how bad she may be, you never, NEVER, want to be in the position of 'talkin' bout somebody's Mama'.....

OP, no matter how bad it may be, it is his mother and he loves her.... And, being against her is, in a way, being against HIM and his feelings for her.

Everyone here is right...

Just don't go there.

Don't be 'on his side'....
Be AT his side.
Tell him that you understand how he feels, and how that must have been very hard... Tell him how you are proud that he handled it that way.... And, leave it at that.....

Even if you THINK he is looking to you to tell him that 'HE is right' and 'Mama is WRONG and horrible....' I am afraid that this will backfire on you big time.


Just don't go there.

 

[bookgirl]

That is because you are cheering him on for being mean to his mother instead of taking my advice of just giving him a hug and telling him it will be OK.

Remove yourself from her drama. I know it is hard because you are completely pissed at her for being a witch to him.

Just tell him it will be OK, instead of telling him you are doing the "right thing". It will make you and him feel better.

My bolding above.

Since when is standing up for yourself and telling a person that you will not accept thier treatment being mean.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My bolding above.

Since when is standing up for yourself and telling a person that you will not accept thier treatment being mean.

I never said that. Not sure where you are getting that from. When the OP says "you are doing the right thing" it is always subjective. You are now injecting yourself into the drama. It is difficult enough for the dh to begin his journey with battling his mother. Remember this is NEW for him. You have to keep that in perspective.

I was addressing the OP's situation. She is feeling horrible about the situation at hand. This is a way for her to support him on a positive level.

I have done it many times now. In other words, have a lot of life experience on that topic.

It is better to be at your spouses side and reassure rather than participate in the drama. Hope that makes sense.

Believe me, my dh's dad abandoned him for a family with 6 kids and his mom is a schizophrenic.

 

[Nancyg56]

That is because you are cheering him on for being mean to his mother instead of taking my advice of just giving him a hug and telling him it will be OK.

Remove yourself from her drama. I know it is hard because you are completely pissed at her for being a witch to him.

Just tell him it will be OK, instead of telling him you are doing the "right thing". It will make you and him feel better.

ITA with this. My DH Mother is a horrible woman. I cannot even repeat most things here on an open message board. For years i thought that I was supporting him when I agrreed how awful she was. He felt bad because she was still his Mother. Now I just listen.

 

[Wishing on a star]

That's right....

She is STILL his mother....
He STILL loves her.
He is hurt enough by this....

To have his wife put herself in the middle and say, "Yep, cut her off... You did the right thing... Your mama is horrible... etc... is just NOT a good approach.

A wife who does this is NOT supporting her husband as he deals with this kind of thing...
A wife who does this is creating drama, drawing battle-lines, and is trying to exert her own control... (with places her right there on the same level of the controlling negative judgemental MIL)

NOT good.

A wife needs to rise above, and support her husband without crossing that line.

Sure, she should support her husband in standing up for himself...
"I am proud of you..." etc...

But, to take sides in any way and to badmouth anybody's mama is just never the thing to do.

 

[AJ12345]

haven't read all the replies but here's my advice:

STAY OUT OF IT! LoL Remember, his mother will ALWAYS be his mother. you can't change that. you, on the other hand, will not always be guaranteed a place as his wife.

the same thing happens in marriages. my mom always told me, "never talk bad to me about your husband b/c you'll go home and fix things in the bedroom and i'll still be mad at him the next day."

they might fix their issues later on and then you'll be the one left hurt.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

As a wife, you cannot "solve" the problem, only be part of the problem.

Telling your DH it will be OK, is the right thing here because he is distraught. It is a positive support and validation of what he did and not negative. "It will be OK" and "You did the right thing" ultimately conveys that you support your DH. Telling him he "did the right thing" can be wierd, since he feels awful right now.

I guess I see it differently. Unless I'm missing something where the OP let her MIL have it.

Giving a perspective isn't the same as solving or becoming part of the problem.

He feels weird b/c it is weird. Seems he has never done that before and the worst thing he could do is to submit to those fears so that he can face further abuse.

My DH has never interjected into my familial issues--but when it begins to affect him, he'll speak up to me. Living with someone willingly putting up with abuse is not a picnic and simply based on the OP's telling, it isn't something I could put up with.

Again--I just see it differently.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My bolding above.

Since when is standing up for yourself and telling a person that you will not accept thier treatment being mean.

I'm lost on that as well. Folks can paint it however they wish. But when someone is so weak that they cannot stand up for themselves--it is indeed OKAY to support them in their efforts to stop the abuse.

No--the OP shouldn't trash talk mom--but simply pointing out what she (and likely other people) observes is not trash talking.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess I see it differently. Unless I'm missing something where the OP let her MIL have it.

Giving a perspective isn't the same as solving or becoming part of the problem.

He feels weird b/c it is weird. Seems he has never done that before and the worst thing he could do is to submit to those fears so that he can face further abuse.

My DH has never interjected into my familial issues--but when it begins to affect him, he'll speak up to me. Living with someone willingly putting up with abuse is not a picnic and simply based on the OP's telling, it isn't something I could put up with.

Again--I just see it differently.

I am trying to see it from the OP's perspective.

She said that SHE feels it may come back to hurt her. So we were giving her tips on how to support him in a different way.

Does that make sense?

 

[rie'smom]

OP, I can't help feeling that you're going to end up being blamed all the way round once he and his mother make nice. My advice is to listen-not offer advice, not cheerlead him-listen.