I've had it with my DH AND my MIL... **UPDATE, Post #17**

[DisneyBamaFan]

As a husband and a son, I offer this - don't speak poorly of his mother. Even if every word that you say is true and accurate, he loves her. Those words will cause him pain. Let him deal with it in his own way or risk lowering yourself in his eyes.

 

[AKL_Megs]

First of all, I want to say that I have NEVER talked negatively about my MIL to my DH. Never. Even during this. Even after the terrible things she has said to him.

I've never TOLD him, "Don't talk to your mom ever again."

In fact, I HAVE told him for TEN YEARS, during past episodes,"You can't just NOT talk to your mother. It's a shame that she chooses to be this way."

Now that we are married, I am NOT about to sit back and watch him get put down and spoken to with such disrespect. After their last phone call, when he said he was thinking about not talking to her for a while, I simply told him, "I think it would be right to stand up for yourself, if that is what you want to do." NOT because I hate her, she CAN and IS fun when she chooses to be, but BECAUSE he wanted to and needed nudging to take a stand.

The more I think about it, the less I feel he will blame me, but the more I feel I will never, ever be able to look at her the same. I will ALWAYS see the woman who calls her own flesh and blood TERRIBLE, and means it. Will she do that to our children one day?

they might fix their issues later on and then you'll be the one left hurt.

It happens every time. I didn't care so much when we weren't married, but now that I see how truly hard working, loving, caring, etc., the exact OPPOSITE of the things MIL calls DH, I can't help but resent her.

 

[bookgirl]

I never said that. Not sure where you are getting that from. When the OP says "you are doing the right thing" it is always subjective. You are now injecting yourself into the drama. It is difficult enough for the dh to begin his journey with battling his mother. Remember this is NEW for him. You have to keep that in perspective.

I was addressing the OP's situation. She is feeling horrible about the situation at hand. This is a way for her to support him on a positive level.

I have done it many times now. In other words, have a lot of life experience on that topic.

It is better to be at your spouses side and reassure rather than participate in the drama. Hope that makes sense.

Believe me, my dh's dad abandoned him for a family with 6 kids and his mom is a schizophrenic.

um the part I bolded was your post "you are cheering him on for being mean to his mom" your words not mine.

If you didn't think he was being mean then why use the word mean. He stood up for what he felt, she said that he was right for sticking up for himself. I don't see him as being mean or her supporting any meaness.

However everyone sees what they want to see in any post.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

um the part I bolded was your post "you are cheering him on for being mean to his mom" your words not mine.

If you didn't think he was being mean then why use the word mean. He stood up for what he felt, she said that he was right for sticking up for himself. I don't see him as being mean or her supporting any meaness.

However everyone sees what they want to see in any post.

What exactly are you trying to get at, because I am not understanding you.

Of course agreeing with him is cheering him on. That is just a fact. OP is pissed off at this women, her DH knows this. No need to rub it in, which is what it will feel like to her dh. You may look at it as validation but it may not come across that way to a guy.

Surely you understand what I mean now.

 

[manning]

I think you are being ugly about your husband saying he "needs to be a man" and tell his mom whatfor. You need to love and respect your husband. You can be upset about he is treated but not your place to tell him what to do. This is between him and his mother. Whether you understand or like the relationship, whatever it may be, this is his mother and no doubt he does love her.

Giving him advice or pushing him to do something isn't going to do anything other than put you smack dab in the middle which isn't your place. Your place is at your husband's side and back giving him support and a soft place to land.

I second that

 

[Sleepy]

First of all, I want to say that I have NEVER talked negatively about my MIL to my DH. Never. Even during this. Even after the terrible things she has said to him.

I've never TOLD him, "Don't talk to your mom ever again."

In fact, I HAVE told him for TEN YEARS, during past episodes,"You can't just NOT talk to your mother. It's a shame that she chooses to be this way."

Now that we are married, I am NOT about to sit back and watch him get put down and spoken to with such disrespect. After their last phone call, when he said he was thinking about not talking to her for a while, I simply told him, "I think it would be right to stand up for yourself, if that is what you want to do." NOT because I hate her, she CAN and IS fun when she chooses to be, but BECAUSE he wanted to and needed nudging to take a stand.

The more I think about it, the less I feel he will blame me, but the more I feel I will never, ever be able to look at her the same. I will ALWAYS see the woman who calls her own flesh and blood TERRIBLE, and means it. Will she do that to our children one day?

It happens every time. I didn't care so much when we weren't married, but now that I see how truly hard working, loving, caring, etc., the exact OPPOSITE of the things MIL calls DH, I can't help but resent her.

Bolded parts first. Just because you are married, it doesn't change anything about where you fit into his parental relationship. You are no more involved now than when you were not married to him. The emotional abuse was there before you got married, so why does it bother you more now? Are you saying it has increased since you got married?

You should never nudge your spouse when it comes to his parents. Nudging is the same thing as taking control. You should listen and say "You did what you felt you had to do". The part where you said "I think it would be right to stand up for yourself...." Here, you have interjected YOURSELF into it. You are telling him what you would do and what you think is right. It is not about you. This is displaying control.

You have told him ","You can't just NOT talk to your mother. It's a shame that she chooses to be this way." Here, you are telling him what to do. If you say he needs nudging, then you are giving him mixed signals. Maybe he doesn't want to talk to her again, but then you told him he had to. At the same time, you use the word shame as a negative against his mother. Don't make reference to his mother when you are talking to him!

In addition, it is apparent through this post that you resent your MIL and can't look at her the same way for the way she is toward your husband. Do you not think your husband can pick up on that? Do you not think your MIL can see it? If she is so bad, why be around her? I don't care if she made me a fresh apple pie everytime I visited. if she is so emotionally abusive, I would not even want to look at her.

You think your husband will never blame you for anything that is an outcome of this? Can you be so sure of that? I have been with my husband 20 years and even though we have been down this road, I would NEVER say my husband would not blame me for something if I took it upon myself to get involved and nudge him into action. Not because my husband does not love me and would not choose me, but when people are vulnerable, nudging can make a person do something they may not have been ready for and later regret. You want that hanging over your head? You want your husband telling his mom he is sorry for the way he was and you had something to do with it? Mother son bonds are strong. Your husband has proven this. You are now at 10 years of back and forth.

Not trying to nitpick, but want you to be aware that the innocent things you feel you are saying/doing to be supportive can come across to others as the opposite.

How does your MIL treat you personally? From my experience, the bullying tends to stem from a control issue......fear of losing a son's priority to another woman. In that case, the parent(s) tend to be ugly to the adult child's spouse, but also lash out at their own child to keep them emotionally dependent/longing for that parental love and acceptance. Is she mean to you? Has your husband mentioned anything negative his mother may have said to him about you when you were no there?

 

[jmpurdy]

Bolded parts first. Just because you are married, it doesn't change anything about where you fit into his parental relationship. You are no more involved now than when you were not married to him. The emotional abuse was there before you got married, so why does it bother you more now? Are you saying it has increased since you got married?

You should never nudge your spouse when it comes to his parents. Nudging is the same thing as taking control. You should listen and say "You did what you felt you had to do". The part where you said "I think it would be right to stand up for yourself...." Here, you have interjected YOURSELF into it. You are telling him what you would do and what you think is right. It is not about you. This is displaying control.

You have told him ","You can't just NOT talk to your mother. It's a shame that she chooses to be this way." Here, you are telling him what to do. If you say he needs nudging, then you are giving him mixed signals. Maybe he doesn't want to talk to her again, but then you told him he had to. At the same time, you use the word shame as a negative against his mother. Don't make reference to his mother when you are talking to him!

In addition, it is apparent through this post that you resent your MIL and can't look at her the same way for the way she is toward your husband. Do you not think your husband can pick up on that? Do you not think your MIL can see it? If she is so bad, why be around her? I don't care if she made me a fresh apple pie everytime I visited. if she is so emotionally abusive, I would not even want to look at her.

You think your husband will never blame you for anything that is an outcome of this? Can you be so sure of that? I have been with my husband 20 years and even though we have been down this road, I would NEVER say my husband would not blame me for something if I took it upon myself to get involved and nudge him into action. Not because my husband does not love me and would not choose me, but when people are vulnerable, nudging can make a person do something they may not have been ready for and later regret. You want that hanging over your head? You want your husband telling his mom he is sorry for the way he was and you had something to do with it? Mother son bonds are strong. Your husband has proven this. You are now at 10 years of back and forth.

Not trying to nitpick, but want you to be aware that the innocent things you feel you are saying/doing to be supportive can come across to others as the opposite.

How does your MIL treat you personally? From my experience, the bullying tends to stem from a control issue......fear of losing a son's priority to another woman. In that case, the parent(s) tend to be ugly to the adult child's spouse, but also lash out at their own child to keep them emotionally dependent/longing for that parental love and acceptance. Is she mean to you? Has your husband mentioned anything negative his mother may have said to him about you when you were no there?

My you sound quite preachy. Thousands of women suffer from mothers who can't/won't let go of their little boys to have a life. The husband does need to speak up. If it affects him, it affects his wife. The OP most certainly has a vested interest here: her marriage. HE should speak to his mother, not her, definitely. But they have every right to discuss it amongst themselves so that their marriage doesn't suffer. If someone attacks someone I love, you better believe my claws are going to come out. I don't care who it is. He is learning to stand up for himself for the first time in his life and needs his wife to support him. She hasn't done anything out of line as far as I can see.

 

[Sleepy]

My you sound quite preachy. Thousands of women suffer from mothers who can't/won't let go of their little boys to have a life. The husband does need to speak up. If it affects him, it affects his wife. The OP most certainly has a vested interest here: her marriage. HE should speak to his mother, not her, definitely. But they have every right to discuss it amongst themselves so that their marriage doesn't suffer. If someone attacks someone I love, you better believe my claws are going to come out. I don't care who it is. He is learning to stand up for himself for the first time in his life and needs his wife to support him. She hasn't done anything out of line as far as I can see.

I don't mean to sound preachy. I just have a different opinion. I've been through this. If someone attacks someone I love I would be upset, but at the same time, I dealt with something like that long enough to realize I was more upset than my spouse. I also realized that he was an adult and could say no when he had enough. He was not a little boy who lived in the same house as his mom and he did not have to take it. Letting him handle it was the best thing I could have done. He handled it just fine in his own way and in his own time. My point was that yes, you can discuss it, but you have to be careful how you discuss it. Listen, don't instruct.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't mean to sound preachy. I just have a different opinion. I've been through this. If someone attacks someone I love I would be upset, but at the same time, I dealt with something like that long enough to realize I was more upset than my spouse. I also realized that he was an adult and could say no when he had enough. He was not a little boy who lived in the same house as his mom and he did not to take it. Letting him handle it was the best thing I could have done. He handled it just fine in his own way and in his own time.

ITA. I have also found that my DH only puts up with what he wants to put up with. Yes, he was hurt and upset with his Mother and his sister as well but he really did not need to heat me agreeing that they were disrespectful towards him. He knew it. Once they crossed the line with my DGD he closed the door and has never looked back. I know that he is still hurt but I just listen. He will never hear me say anything that coulld magnify that hurt.

 

[happygirl]

Stay out of it!!! Just listen to him.

 

[alexandria674]

Stay out of it!!! Just listen to him.

There could be that off chance that they do make up and it could possibly be awkward for you

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My you sound quite preachy. Thousands of women suffer from mothers who can't/won't let go of their little boys to have a life. The husband does need to speak up. If it affects him, it affects his wife. The OP most certainly has a vested interest here: her marriage. HE should speak to his mother, not her, definitely. But they have every right to discuss it amongst themselves so that their marriage doesn't suffer. If someone attacks someone I love, you better believe my claws are going to come out. I don't care who it is. He is learning to stand up for himself for the first time in his life and needs his wife to support him. She hasn't done anything out of line as far as I can see.

Now that is words of wisdom.

 

[bookgirl]

What exactly are you trying to get at, because I am not understanding you.

Of course agreeing with him is cheering him on. That is just a fact. OP is pissed off at this women, her DH knows this. No need to rub it in, which is what it will feel like to her dh. You may look at it as validation but it may not come across that way to a guy.

Surely you understand what I mean now.

I understood what you wrote the first time, I just don't agree with you.

Let's leave it at that and let the OP have her thread. I think she's got a lot of good advice to choose from and I'm sure she'll do what's right for her and her husband.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I understood what you wrote the first time, I just don't agree with you.

Let's leave it at that and let the OP have her thread. I think she's got a lot of good advice to choose from and I'm sure she'll do what's right for her and her husband.

Sounds good to me.