It's so hard NOT to get involved in your children's problems with other kids

[Disney1fan2002]

ARRGH.

My DS is 13 and has Asperger's. He really does not like when his routine is changed. A very important routine for him is the time he spends with his best friend. DS does not have a lot of friends, he has a handful of kids that talk to him in school, but he only has one close friend. They have been friends since 3rd grade. The routine they have is, almost every Friday and/or Saturday they will sleep at each other's houses. They switch off. So if DS's friend slept here last Friday, DS would sleep there tonight. Sometimes it turns into a double sleepover, into Saturday night. This is all well and good. They have a great time together.

There is a boy that lives in the friends neighborhood. DS calls him "friend" to his friend. I will not call him a friend, because he is not. He is a bully, and I think he just hangs around to manipulate the boys. I almost stopped allowing my DS to go over there last summer, when he told me that this "bully" duct taped him to a computer chair and left him in the other room, while he and DS's friend went on playing video games. This kid is a year older than DS and his friend. I keep telling DS he should explain to his friend that this kid is not a friend. He shouldn't be letting him hang around. DS said he has, but friend won't listen.

Now we get to the part where I am ready to devastate DS because of this kid. I am ready to stop DS from going over to his friend's house. When I mentioned this to DS, he started to cry. I don't want my DS around this kid at all, he does not like my DS and has even told him he hates him. He calls him names, and when they went to the same school, he would yell out names to my DS in the hallway. DS told on him and it stopped, but I want to kill the kid.

I already told DS that if his friend is going to allow this kid to come over while DS is there, then I won't be letting him go. (that's when the tears started to build.) I am sure I can work it out with the friends mom, (she doesn't like the kid either) to make sure this kid is not there.

DS will put up with and has, the bullying, because that's how much he wants to be with his friend.

This is really tough as a mother watching all of this. Every bone in my body wants to strangle this kid, because of what he is putting my son through. Yet, DS puts up with it.

 

[golfgal]

If your child did not have Asperger's would you have stopped this "friendship" a long time ago? Not many people like change but it sounds like it is in his best interest to end this even if it causes some tears now. I can't imagine what it is really doing to him having the kid tease him and make fun of him all the time. A few tears now are much better than the long term consequences. No one likes to see their child sad but these "little" disappointments are good life lessons.

 

[Mermaid02]

ARRGH.

My DS is 13 and has Asperger's. He really does not like when his routine is changed. A very important routine for him is the time he spends with his best friend. DS does not have a lot of friends, he has a handful of kids that talk to him in school, but he only has one close friend. They have been friends since 3rd grade. The routine they have is, almost every Friday and/or Saturday they will sleep at each other's houses. They switch off. So if DS's friend slept here last Friday, DS would sleep there tonight. Sometimes it turns into a double sleepover, into Saturday night. This is all well and good. They have a great time together.

There is a boy that lives in the friends neighborhood. DS calls him "friend" to his friend. I will not call him a friend, because he is not. He is a bully, and I think he just hangs around to manipulate the boys. I almost stopped allowing my DS to go over there last summer, when he told me that this "bully" duct taped him to a computer chair and left him in the other room, while he and DS's friend went on playing video games. This kid is a year older than DS and his friend. I keep telling DS he should explain to his friend that this kid is not a friend. He shouldn't be letting him hang around. DS said he has, but friend won't listen.

Now we get to the part where I am ready to devastate DS because of this kid. I am ready to stop DS from going over to his friend's house. When I mentioned this to DS, he started to cry. I don't want my DS around this kid at all, he does not like my DS and has even told him he hates him. He calls him names, and when they went to the same school, he would yell out names to my DS in the hallway. DS told on him and it stopped, but I want to kill the kid.

I already told DS that if his friend is going to allow this kid to come over while DS is there, then I won't be letting him go. (that's when the tears started to build.) I am sure I can work it out with the friends mom, (she doesn't like the kid either) to make sure this kid is not there.

DS will put up with and has, the bullying, because that's how much he wants to be with his friend.

This is really tough as a mother watching all of this. Every bone in my body wants to strangle this kid, because of what he is putting my son through. Yet, DS puts up with it.

First of all- did you tell the other Mom that the bully duct taped your son to a chair at her home? That kid would NEVER be allowed in my home again.
My son has Asperger's too and I wish we had one good friend to spend time with. He has none. Talk to the Mom- let her know what is going on and the boys don't have to know you had anything to do with it. I would also let the school know how abusive this boy is outside of school and tell them that you want him to have NOTHING to do with your son and if you hear of an incident in the school- there will be trouble.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

If your child did not have Asperger's would you have stopped this "friendship" a long time ago? Not many people like change but it sounds like it is in his best interest to end this even if it causes some tears now. I can't imagine what it is really doing to him having the kid tease him and make fun of him all the time. A few tears now are much better than the long term consequences. No one likes to see their child sad but these "little" disappointments are good life lessons.

I'm not considering puuting a stop to the friendship. DS and his friend get along great. This kid is even mean to the friend, but the friend does not realize it, or he puts up with it. (he doesn't have many friends either)

What I am considering is not letting DS go to his friends house. His friend can come here. As an Aspie, this will not make sense to DS, since the "routine " has always been alternating weekends. If the friend sleeps here tonight, he will HAVE to sleep there next week. Or the next "time". (Sometimes family commitments on either side don't make it possibele for this to happen every week).

To answer your question, if DS did not have Asperger's, yes I would of stopped this a long time ago. Since he does have it, and it is a very important routine for him, I have been letting him deal with it. Things just seem to be getting worse with this 'bully', and that is why I am thinking I need to sit DS down, and let the tears flow, and stop him from going to his friends house until his friend realizes what a poison this other kid is. It won't be the end of the world for him, but it will seem like it for a while. He has had disappointments, it just takes a little more to help him through it.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

First of all- did you tell the other Mom that the bully duct taped your son to a chair at her home? That kid would NEVER be allowed in my home again.
My son has Asperger's too and I wish we had one good friend to spend time with. He has none. Talk to the Mom- let her know what is going on and the boys don't have to know you had anything to do with it. I would also let the school know how abusive this boy is outside of school and tell them that you want him to have NOTHING to do with your son and if you hear of an incident in the school- there will be trouble.

Just wanted to say I have a son (26) with Asperger's and I wish he coud have had at least one "real" friend. Thankfully he has two brothers close in age, but I know how badly we wish for them to have friends.

That being said this other boy is definitely bullying. Stop it now before it escalates.

 

[NotUrsula]

Is your DS' friend an Aspie, too?

Honestly, I think you should talk to friend's parents about this and see if they will ban the bully. If his parents ban the kid he'll probably go along with that; he probably just does not have the resolution to ban the bully on his own initiative.

If the bully is banned it will make the whole routine issue moot, well, at least for a while. They are getting to the age when boys tend to stop sleeping over, because they don't want to appear too physically close to another boy. (And with this bully in the picture, if he gets banned he may well choose to retaliate via rumour.) You should probably start preparing your DS for the possibility that his friend may want to stop the sleepover routine sometime soon.

I should say that I have an Aspie, too. He's 12, but looks very much like a man. It's easy to forget sometimes that inside he is still very naive.