Its going to be ok, right?

[RichNKatHolly]

I don't think it's fair to say that all women don't know that their husband needs respect. That's a bad generalisation. Now that generalisation perfectly describes my ex-wife though. She brought me down constantly. In 8 years, she never once bought me anything that I would like. She would say that she didn't know what I wanted. Wow.. really? So you haven't picked up that I liked football and Disney in that long of time? She never would plan anything but just expect me to do everything. She'd mock me to my face, behind my back, etc. I once bought her and her sister a 7 day cruise and watched my two daughters for 9 days by myself. Did I mention the youngest was only 2 months old? She never once thanked me. All she did was complain about what went poorly. That was the point where the relationship I knew was doomed. She wasn't fond of being a mother. When I say that, I mean that she didn't want to be their mother. She wanted to be able to show them around and buy cute stuff for them. But when it came to being their mother she couldn't be bothered with thinking the kids need to be home in bed on a school night before 10. She'd rather go shopping. When she went to a family function, she would say "good somebody else can watch the kids". So for years, I took the abuse that I got. But when I realized that she was hurting my daughters, I finally had enough.

I filed for divorce about 2 years ago and the woman seemed shocked. I guess she didn't think that not being a good wife, or being a bad mother wasn't enough.

The reason I bring this all up is that your Disney story sounded very familiar. I would let her do anything she wanted but when I wanted something, it was too expensive or silly. I wanted to do a Keys to the Kingdom Tour and she told me it was dumb to want to do that.

Fast forward to January with my girlfriend. She surprised me with that KTTK tour because she said she knew me and knew that I would love it. I had never mentioned it to her. It seriously choked me up. She is the most caring sweet, SELFLESS (which I've never encountered), and understanding woman I have ever known.

In fact, my daughters told me to marry her for months before I had even popped the question. They even call her mama on their own accord. Now, we're getting married at Walt Disney World because that's what my fiancee thought would be a great idea and I agreed since we both grew up going to the parks and loving them. She also asked my oldest daughter to be a bridesmaid because she wanted her to. She asked my youngest to be a flower girl because she wanted her to. She then proceeded to say the girls should be with us on the family honeymoon because she wanted them to know that she married all of us. I honestly could not be luckier now.

I'm not saying file for divorce. I'm saying if you open up to her and she still doesn't respect you, you guys have more problems than just Disney. Men deserve to be happy too.

Good Luck from a fellow guy who has been there,

Ronnie

Reverse the roles here and you've got me. Harbored resentment for years before I finally left just over a year ago.

I'm not saying that is where you are going, but definitely communicate, communicate, communicate. And, watch the timing.

I'm with someone new now who I am able to do this with and it is amazing to finally realize what a healthy relationship is, and for my children to see what a responsible person is. I'm sure if I exDH and I would've started out that way, we'd still be together today.

Best of luck! Big hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[RichNKatHolly]

Thanks to everyone for all the advice. I guess like everyone we have our good and bad days. Just seems like lately more bad than good. I know a talk needs to be had, part of the problem is I am pretty sure a talk would devolve very quickly into a fight and me sleeping on the sofa, so I would rather just go with the flow, and keep it to myslef. This planning issues is just the latest example of a bigger issue. I hate any kind of confrontation or argument with her. Again different styles, I will get mad, and lose my temper, apologize and it is over lets move on and be happy. She holds a grudge. I can apologize for something and it still be days before she puts it behind her. Anyway this could really get long and involved. I appreciate everyones advice. I think I will try to take it easy this weekend, and maybe bring up Disney stuff again. We can work on our overall marriage later. The 180 day window is monday.

Trying to maintain a sense of humor.

 

[SeptemberGirl]

Okay, well first off I think you need to talk to her. But I wouldn't print out the post, simply because if I found out my husband posted on a message board instead of talking to me, I'd be even more upset and focus on that and not what he was saying.

My husband is into some things more than I am, and sometimes I am sure I roll my eyes. It's not nice, no, but everyone has their geek things, right? He thinks my Disney planning is insane, I think his obsession over the new lighting we put in is weird. So that's not remarkable, but how you feel about her reaction is important. I bet, though, that she doesn't mean to be hurtful in her reactions.

As for the SAHM and budget and bill pay and can't go to therapy during your working hours, I get that. I am basically a SAHM and it's my JOB. I don't want to ask for help, or have my husband miss work - that goes against my perceived job to keep the house running and support him in his work. It's hard, though, to do it without support and it's hard to ask for support so sometimes avoiding your spouse seems like the easiest thing to do.

She did show interest, she picked up the books after you talked to her about it. I'll bet she's trying to do what you want. So maybe you could look at that as a sign of interest, and her control over her "job" as a commitment to your family.

I know it's hard where you are coming from, but I'll bet that she doesn't realize how you feel and that she's got her own set of feeling alone in this. Why not thank her and try to reach out to her about the trip without implying that you'd do a better job? Why not show her your passion for it and as an extension your passion for her? When one spouse is so focused on one thing, be it work or home or even, God forgive me, a WDW trip , it's easy to feel ignored or less important - and sometimes spouses can feel that passion for something else has replaced passion for them.

Good luck, and proceed with an open heart and don't be afraid to be vulnerable. It's the best thing a husband can do, IMHO. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

(Oh, and I have already planned our Sept trip and am planning our March trip! I know obsession!)

 

[MagikMom]

I am not a therapist, but in you thread there seems to be alot of underlying issues here. This is not just about planning your vacation there seems to be no communication. I am married for 11 years and I can't imagine wondering it my DH would "LET" me help plan a vacation. I do all of the planning but that is because he dosen't like to do that stuff. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I am nuts for planning so far in advance but he would never belittle me. I think you should sit down with her and tell her how you feel. In a marriage there needs to be Communication and Respect! Just my opinion. I hope you can talk things out !!!!

I have to agree. It sounds like your self esteem is very low. Marriage is HARD. It's something you have to work at. (I've been married for 16 years). You both seem so distant from each other just by reading your post. I hope that therapy can help you and there is no shame in getting therapy. It proves that you really care about your marriage. I hope things work out for you and your family.

 

[familyS]

I hope you have a great weekend and are able to start a real, two sided conversation.

 

[MiniGirl]

I'm not a therapist, so I'm not going to go into anything about your feelings or your marriage or how your wife makes you feel.

I'm curious though. Is she excited about planning the vacation? I mean I know you said ya'll are both planners, but is she planning out of excitement or just 1 more thing on her to-do list? (My apologies if you have already said. If you did, I must've skipped it.) Anyway, if she is doing it out of obligation. could you offer to take this responsibility off her hands? You know, tell her you'd like to do this for her. You can assure her that you will let her see your schedule or whatever before you make any ADRs -- kind of like for her final approval. If she says yes, then see if there is any place she definitely wants to go or avoid and respect those wishes. I would also suggest a night for the kiddos at one of the kid's clubs if they are old enough and it is in the budget. Then ya'll could have a date night.

Anyway, I'd love it if my husband did that for me. He likes when we can go out by ourselves, but doesn't realize that it sometimes means MORE work for me because of arranging child care.

Good luck to you, OP. I do hope you and your DW can have a good long talk soon.

 

[snowangel72]

I was so sad to read your post because I can't imagine living like that I hope you two are able to talk this weekend.

One thing that really jumped out at me was when you said, it turns into an argument and "I lose my temper". I would try to dig deep and make a point to not lose your temper, not at all, not one bit this time. Just try to talk.

And I know it's hard but try to put yourself in your DW's shoes and try to really "listen" to what she is saying. ie Is she tired and overhwelmed with childcare and housework? Is she upset that you spend more time planning your trip to WDW than you do with her? Really try to get to the root the problem without flying off the handle.

And if she is rude or mean to you, look her in the eye, and tell her in a calm voice exactly how she just made you feel.

Just my 2 cents. I could be totally off base here but I wanted to say what I would wish for my spouse to do in this situation.

Mel

 

[solgent]

Unfortunalty my wife takes any kind of notion to talk about something (household budget) as crticism. I truely believe she feels that she knows what is best and cant trust anyone else to do as good a job as her. She has her way things should be done and her way is how she expects everyone should do the same task... she feels that if anyone else knew we were seeing a therapist she would be seen as a failure at marriage.

You seem like a sweet guy who's trying to make it work. You're giving a very generous interpretation here. I'd say your wife is extremely insecure. If you don't conform to her expectations in every respect, down to how far in advance you like to do your vacation planning, she punishes you by shutting you out literally and figuratively. People who feel good about themselves do not take this "my way or the highway" approach. They aren't rigid about "the one right way." They don't feel that the only two options are perfection, which implies total immunity from criticism and never a need for any assistance, or failure. They may even be interested in getting input from others and possibly adjusting their own behavior. So, I'd wonder, where did she get these very strict and impossible standards from? Her parents? I think coping with this is a job for a professional.

That doesn't seem likely, so I suggest that you not worry about the vacation at all. Let her proceed as she pleases and in the meantime, "love bomb" her. Tell her all the things you appreciate about her and all the things she does right and all the ways she's special. The object is to build her up a little bit so she knows she can count on you and she won't be so afraid of admitting that she's not perfect. Try to foster the connection between you. I think that is the first step to have any open communication.

 

[MeetMrsMasters]

I have to put my two cents in on this one because I am sure that very few, if any, of the people who have responded to this thread are marital or relationship experts. So many people are defending this woman for her actions, and I think that is morally irresponsible. There have been several that have told the OP that he should try to work out the issues with a therapist or even try to work on communication, and those people are responsible with their advice. Without knowing what the wife is saying, who is anyone to make her excuses for her behavior? It is easy to read something and put yourself into that position, but it is not fair to the OP who wants an unbiased opinion. How you may react and why you may react are not necessarily why she treats him the way she does. I also think it could be extremely detrimental for the OP if he feels there are issues that are complicating the marriage, and perhaps he has tried to work them out, but his obviously fragile state is marred by women defending someone they do not know. Who is to say that he is not now questioning himself unnecessarily? I am not saying that is the case, because I certainly am not intimate with the situation, but because it is possible I think it is dangerous to get involved in such a way. It is not always easy to open up and say you are hurt, but he did and it seems to me that instead of the support he was looking for, many women did like women tend to do and banded with his wife. I know that I may get blasted for this, I am ready to get attacked, but I could not allow myself to stay quiet on this issue. Although it may not be the same, I have an ex who always belittled and made fun of my interests and never allowed me to be involved with things because I am "only a woman". When I went for advice I was supported and that is what helped me deal with the situation and get out of there. I am not suggesting that leaving the marriage is what is best for him, only he can know that, but I do think that instead of supporting the wife, we ought to take the time and listen to what he is saying first.

 

[Mdlex]

I have to put my two cents in on this one because I am sure that very few, if any, of the people who have responded to this thread are marital or relationship experts. So many people are defending this woman for her actions, and I think that is morally irresponsible. There have been several that have told the OP that he should try to work out the issues with a therapist or even try to work on communication, and those people are responsible with their advice. Without knowing what the wife is saying, who is anyone to make her excuses for her behavior? It is easy to read something and put yourself into that position, but it is not fair to the OP who wants an unbiased opinion. How you may react and why you may react are not necessarily why she treats him the way she does. I also think it could be extremely detrimental for the OP if he feels there are issues that are complicating the marriage, and perhaps he has tried to work them out, but his obviously fragile state is marred by women defending someone they do not know. Who is to say that he is not now questioning himself unnecessarily? I am not saying that is the case, because I certainly am not intimate with the situation, but because it is possible I think it is dangerous to get involved in such a way. It is not always easy to open up and say you are hurt, but he did and it seems to me that instead of the support he was looking for, many women did like women tend to do and banded with his wife. I know that I may get blasted for this, I am ready to get attacked, but I could not allow myself to stay quiet on this issue. Although it may not be the same, I have an ex who always belittled and made fun of my interests and never allowed me to be involved with things because I am "only a woman". When I went for advice I was supported and that is what helped me deal with the situation and get out of there. I am not suggesting that leaving the marriage is what is best for him, only he can know that, but I do think that instead of supporting the wife, we ought to take the time and listen to what he is saying first.

No Blasting Here! I totally agree with you. When I read things like "print out this post and give it to her I was like that could make things much worse. For anyone to speculate why his DW if acting like this or to make excuses for her actions is just wrong. It already sounds like he is walking on eggshells at the homefront.

 

[Disney Mommy 3]

WOW!! I have to say-I personally think that this ain't just about Disney!! I am a super-planner myself. I get all the big info together and then me and DH decide what we want to keep or change(in the prelim. stage). After dates and airfare, we do ask the kids about rest. or whatever.

Do you honestly think your DW thinks you are a loser and time waster because you love your family and want to give them the BEST vacation ever? If you really feel this way, you should go speak to someone- together. Do you attend a church? Your pastor would be a wonderful person to talk to and maybe even point you to a Christian Marriage Counselor. Why does she not want your fam's to know you are having some issues? I don't think they should know details, but EVERYBODY has problems sometime in marriage!! We are all just humans and no one is perfect.

I think you should put the kids to bed and even if you have to wake her up-your marriage is worth it- pour your heart out. I know I have done or said things and really hurt my DH and not even realized it. I too am a SAHM with 3 and homeschool, so some days I am great when he comes in and some days I am fried!!! So she may just need a break-but you should not feel down about trying to plan or whatever. You know there are 2 sides to every story, so maybe she should pour her heart out to you as well!!

Don't ever be afraid to be honest in a marriage. Too much is riding on it!!

 

[veraletta]

I think you should let her know how you feel, she may not even realize
That she is hurting your feeling; I would let her know how you feel when she
Doesn’t let you take part in the planning of your family trip.
Just don’t uses words like “you make me feel like this” use words like “I feel like this when I don’t get to help in the planning”.
You don’t want to blame her for how you feel.

I would say some thing like this year I think it would be cool for us to take turns planning each day at Disney, You can start first using the Unofficial Disney Guide book, and I would do the next day using TGM, this way we can see which plan works the best for our family trip. Each person do plan the whole day even ADR.

Basically you don’t want her having no say, and you having it all, this is a marriage.
Some times the other person doesn’t care about being involved with the planning of
Family vacations, but no one like it if they don’t have a say. So you wouldn’t what to
Do to her what she is already doing to you.

As far as needing an opening, you don’t need an opening, she is your wife just talk to her, and I bet she doesn’t really know how this makes you feel.
Just set a date that you want to talk to her about some thing later and which would be the best time for her.

I never use a year old guide book as too much changes at Disney each year, but others do well with an older book.

You wrote: I normally let her do things her way so that we don’t get into a big fight, but most things we disagree on are not as important to me as this.
That’s so sad; its okay on things that don’t matter but on things that do matter that is so sad. It’s okay when some one let’s things go the other person way, when its some thing they really don’t care about,
But to just say I will do any thing to make someone happy even if its means I will not be happy that is just sad.

I’m glad you were able to get stuff off your chest to feel better, but now you need to talk to your wife so you are heard. She has the right to know how you feel, so that
She doesn’t hurt your feelings without even a chance to know she is doing it.

In the end both of you should have fun on a family vacation and here is a little cheer for you.

 

[marcyinPA]

Could we do a DH swap?

My DH leaves all the planning up to me. He tries to act interested, but he just has confidence that I'll take care of it and it will be great. I really don't mind too much, but it's a little more "pressure" than I'd like.

Omgosh....are we married to the same man???? This is exactly how it is in my family....I plan everything (no matter where we go) and DH just says he'll be happy with whatever. It may sound great to some people, but sometimes it's annoying to have to make all of the decisions! I would love for my DH to plan a trip for ME, and cover all the details!! (like that'll ever happen! )

 

[disykat]

I am only going to address one small part of your post because it struck me as something that MIGHT be part of the problem. While obviously you've got lots of issues that need to be dealt with, and every reason to be very upset with your wife, the part I'm going to talk about was an issue in my time as a SAHM - so maybe it will be helpful to you.

My dh is a wonderful dad and tries to be a wonderful husband. Every day he would come home and spend all his time with the kids and give me a break from the kids. It seriously drove me NUTS! I would talk myself blue in the face trying to get him to let the kids play by themselves for a few minutes so that we could just sit and talk. I didn't want to be by myself - I wanted to be with HIM!

In his mind, he was helping me - ignoring the fact that it wasn't what I wanted. I know he wanted to spend time with the kids, but what I didn't see was him wanting to spend any time with me.

We finally instituted a daily 15 minute "state of the union address" where we sent the kids to play in another room and sat and talked about our days, etc. And we didn't put those minutes off until one of us was tired and ready for bed, they were a priority and took place long before bedtime. Those few minutes to connect made a huge difference. Dh learned that the kids didn't self destruct in 15 minutes and that there was some validity to my "they need to be able to play by themselves" argument - as well as my "they need to see us as a couple" argument.

It was much easier to address relationship issues, planning vacations, dealing with discipline, review the budget and what bills had been paid, etc. when we had a designated time to do it - instead of just focusing on the kids until we could squeeze it in when we were out of energy for the day and justwanted to go to bed.

 

[badblackpug]

I won't give you any relationship advice, but I would like to make a trip planning suggestion. You didn't say how old your kis are, but on a weekend day maybe you ALL could get together (parentS and kids) lay out all your WDW material, talk to each person about where they want to go and what they want to do and see, and plan the trip as a family. That way everybody feels involved and important.

Having you feelings hurt and discounted really stinks. You have my sympathy.

 

[JJ&JSMOM]

I'm sorry about your situation - as others have written I wish my DH was half as interested in planning our vacations. I do all the planning and usually get all the "why did you do this" or "why this hotel", etc. And I say "well you remember we talked about this months ago". Well I'll stop rambling. What I've found is its not the subject matter we're arguing (I mean discussing ) about - its underlying issues or something that happened that day. Its so complicated. Marriage is so hard!

I hope you and your DW work it out and enjoy your planning and going on vacation as a family. Like I tell my DH "little eyes are watching and learning." Good luck to you!

 

[mm_ja]

Ok, well I figure an update is in order. I tried from home this weekend but for some reason I could not post from home. First let me say thank you for all the support and advice. Just talking (typing) about it helps. Lets see on Friday night, we were sitting watching TV in one room while the kids were doing something and she just looked at me and said, “So where did you want to go eat on our trip” I proceeded to go through a list in my head of place I had thought of. With the exception of two she said all of those same places were on her list. This proceeded into a short statement, basically saying, See I can handle this. Well I think some of the root cause of the situation came out. She proceeded to tell me how she sits at home all day penned up in the house with the kids. She says now that school is out she has no adults to talk to during the day, She is not working (She is a SAHM, but teaches preschool three mornings a week when school is in session), we don’t have a lot of extra money for her to take the kids places, she fusses at the kids all day because all they do is pick on each other (they are at that age), while she sits around and climbs the walls. She tells me that this is the one thing she has to do that is of any interest to her and now I am trying to take that away from her. I tried to explain to her that I am not trying to take anything away from her, that I just want to be involved. I explained I didn’t know she had any interest in planning anything seeing as how anytime I mentioned the trip for the past six months she rolls her eyes at me and that now at basically 185 days out she gets interested 100% confused me. I basically agreed at this point to just butt out and leave it all to her.

Just a few points top make, most of which I would never say to her because I would have to call my parents to let them know I am coming to stay with them and then call a lawyer. I understand her feelings. We have had this discussion before. One poster mentioned this feeling earlier. One weekend while she was out running errands me and the boys cleaned the house as a surprise for her. My thought was this is a nice gesture to take a load off of her. She got a bit upset and let me know that as a SAHM it is her job to take care of the house (her words, not mine), that she has so little to contribute around the house that when I do things like this I take that contribution away from her and make her feel useless. I said that’s ridiculous, that she does so much around the house she should never feel like that, but point taken and I haven’t done any house work in a long time. Now to the situation at hand. Judging form the fact that she fixes a great dinner almost every night, the house is spotless, all the bills stay paid, and both boys are still alive at the end of the day, I guess I am amazed she has time to sit and be bored. In my mind if she is sitting around crawling the walls, she needs to get up off her butt and do something. She has always made excuses in this area, going back to college. If I was going out with my friends she would say she is just going to sit at home by herself. I would say why don’t you call such and such and see what they are doing tonight, she would usually reply its late Friday afternoon I am sure they already have plans. In other words she never really tried. Anyway, I made several suggestions as to things to do that don’t take a lot of money or are easy to do but excuses were made. Its too hot out for that , or the boys wouldn’t be interested, etc, etc.

Another poster made an observation that maybe we just need to take 15 minutes or so to talk when I get home. I would love to but it seems as soon as I walk in the door she just wants me to get the kids and do something with them, after being around the house all day with them she is ready for a break from them. Anyway, I guess I will just have to wait and see what (if any) ADRs were made and enjoy wherever we go. As I said, my main concern is I don’t want to end up in a 2 hour line for Soarin on a red morning at Epcot when it could have been avoided with a few planning tips instead of just going by the seat of our pants. I guess I have six months to work on that.

I know we have issues, I know my personality and thought processes can be problematic to her, just like hers are to me. Again, things are not quite as bad as they seem, just going through a rough spot. It hurts right now but I will get over it. Thanks again to everyone for the kind words.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Sorry. I do have to agree with other posters. From your posts, I think you both need to talk to someone..some sort of counselor. There really is major mis-communication and general assumptions about what the other is thinking without even asking the questions. You are doing a lot of assuming what will happen if you try to talk about something and it freezes you into not saying anything. You also seem to be very confused by her reaction to things that you think will make her happy. Its all about communication.

Getting a third party involved so you both can open up to each other and learn to communicate would probably do a world of good.

Sure things aren't bad as they seem..but why not try to fix them..so they don't get worse. Have a heart to heart..You want to be able to communicate better and have a closer marriage. I'm sure she'd rather fix it now then when its really so bad that it could be a failed marriage.

I hope I haven't offended.... Just wanted to add my two cents

 

[snowangel72]

Thank you for the update. I am so glad you were able to talk a little bit at least. We are here to listen if you ever need to chat.

 

[ldo]

first---tell her she is amazing b/c when I was a SAHM, the house was a disaster and we rarely had a fabulous dinner, and I TOTALLY understand the "take the kids--I'm done" thing--virtually ALL of my SAHM friends feel like this--it is hard work!
But, I think that she might be going thru the mechanical motions---clean house, dinner, etc. and not getting much enjoyment out of life---also VERY common and then it affect every aspect of life.
For summers, think of a fun outing for each day and if the house is a mess--who cares--we do waterpark or even sprinkler fun at home, go to craft store and get a new craft with Michaels 40% off coupon, go out for lunch--even if we only get $.99 menu and then play, park, library, etc. Most of our outings are less than $10--many free. W also bake cookies, playdough, chalk painting contests.
Otherwise, everyone goes stir crazy and it is frustrating--also you need to tell her that you want her to take some girl time--and plan ahead---my friend goes to the movies BY HERSELF--she says she enjoys the peace and quiet---I'm not saying that this replaces therapist---but it can give a new outlook on life.
PS--re. going out with the BOYS--if I was a SAHM, this would make me sort of mad--esp. if husband called at the last minute and said for me to do something too--b/c Moms can't just drop and go--they have to get sitters, etc.
good luck and happy disney.