Issue in DD's Pre-School - What Would You Do?

[mjaclyn]

Today my DD 4 told me that a girl in her pre-school who is 5 likes to play this game with her called 'Trapped'. Apparently this little girl 'traps' my DD in one of the playhouses outside and tells her that if she leaves, she'll kill her. When DD does leave this little girl pretends to kill her and wants her to lie on the ground with her eyes closed. My DD told me that she doesn't like to play the game and doesn't want to do it anymore.

Obviously I'm very concerned, even angry. First of all, what kind of 5 year old pretends to kill someone?? How is that normal? I feel really bad for my DD because she is very small for her age - almost a whole head shorter than most of the kids in her class (she'll be 5 in October) and has already started to get bossed around by bigger kids even though they're the same age. I absolutely plan on telling the teacher on Monday that I am not comfortable with my DD playing this game with this other child. I'm not sure if I should tell the parent or not, or leave that up to the teacher's discretion. The thing is, DD only has a week and a half left of pre-school and she will not be in the same Elementary school as this other little girl. A big part of me doesn't want to make a huge issue of it because of this but the other part of me is upset and wants to do something about it. What REALLY scares me is that this is just pre-school!! I'm terrified to think of what is going to happen when she's in High School.

What would you do? Am I making this a bigger deal than it really is?

 

[low-key]

Am I making this a bigger deal than it really is?

maybe, but if it bothers you in your gut, you might want to (in passing) bring it up to the teacher to keep and eye out

 

[happygirl]

You need to have your daughter talk to her teacher, and explain what's going on. I think you need to let her handle it. Unless the other little girl gets where she's hitting your daughter

 

[2girls4me]

Definitely let her teacher know. I'm sure this girl has done it to other kids.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

You need to have your daughter talk to her teacher, and explain what's going on. I think you need to let her handle it. Unless the other little girl gets where she's hitting your daughter

She's 4! If you can't have you have your mother help you have difficult conversations at 4, when exactly can you.

OP, 4 is the age when kids take things that are confusing to them and act them out in play. My son's great grandmother died when he was 4 and for a while there was a lot of death in his play. It wasn't a sign that he was disturbed, just that he was trying to understand something that was confusing to him. Maybe this little one has had some experience with someone killing someone. I don't mean that she's directly been traumatized, but even seeing the news on the wrong night, or watching an older child play a video game, will raise these questions and their play is where it comes out. So, the fact that she's exploring killing really isn't the issue.

The fact that she's trapping your daughter and making her play when your daughter doesn't want to, is an issue, although a common one at this age. If she was making her play Cinderella when your daughter wants to make mud pies, I'd feel the same way.

Go to your child's teacher, keep the tone gentle and just say that your daughter has expressed unhappiness about it, and you hope she'll help them sort it out. Chances are she'll keep an eye, notice when the two of them separate themselves and come redirect them into play that's more comfortable for your child. Teachers are good at those things.

 

[WDWJonasGirl]

OMG!!! I feel bad for your DD. Why would they do something like this in preschool?

 

[diznygirl]

What a bizarre game! Definitely bring it up to the teacher, and let your daughter know to go tell the teacher any time that little girl wants to play.

Let the teacher worry about whether or not the girl's parents need to be contacted.

 

[luvmythree]

You need to have your daughter talk to her teacher, and explain what's going on. I think you need to let her handle it. Unless the other little girl gets where she's hitting your daughter

OMG really...at 4? I just finished my last day of teaching 3rd grade. I cannot imagine for the life of me wanting my 3rd grade kids to handle this "game" on their own. I also can't believe you are suggesting a 4 yr old child in preschool talk to the teacher. She has no ability to tackle this on her own.

OP I would be upset as well and I would probably mention it to the teacher in the way of....could you watch out for the next couple of weeks that dd isn't with childA due to the fact that, in my opinion, she is playing a game that makes my child and I uneasy? After that thank your lucky stars your child won't be with that child again.

 

[kirstenb1]

Our younger dd is just finishing up preschool. Although she hasn't mentioned anyone "killing" her, there seems to be a lot of fantasy play, with superheroes, badguys, etc.

I'd just let the teacher handle it, and try not to read too much into it.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I honestly don't see the big deal. Maybe it's because I have boys. I played like that when I was little and I am a very peace-loving adult.

 

[SpecialK]

I have boys, too, and that scenario would bother me. I'd let the teacher know.

 

[joyfulmom]

I am the director of a preschool AND a mom of a preschooler...I know how hard it can be when our babies are hurting!!

Here are my suggestions:
1. Please tell the teacher right away. Hopefully, she/he can be aware when this is happening and redirect the children.
2. Even though this game seems awful...this type of play can be "normal"
3. I'd encourage you to give your daughter some "lines" if she gets in this situation again.
When she tells you about the game, maybe ask her, "Did you tell her you didn't want to play?" or "You can choose whatever you want to play" Work to give her the power It may help her to role play a bit...if someone wants you to play something, what can you say? Then, make sure she knows it's ok to tell the teacher!

Hope this helps.

 

[bedillamouse]

I'd bring it up to the teacher...and also this is a great opportunity to start teaching your DD that she does not have to play something she does not like. My oldest DD was similar to yours at age 4...being shorter and smaller. She would play or do what the other kids told her because she thought she had to because they TOLD her to.

At least you know you are almost done and will be moving on but the same thoughts have occured to me too....eek what's middle school and high school going to be like!

 

[RockAndRollBallerina]

My fathers business is a state licensed day care center, and he is not tolerant of games of this kind at all. First thing you need to do is talk to your DD's teacher and make them aware of the situation. And then politely ask the teacher to make the other child's parents aware of what kind of games their child is playing if this continues. I don't care if its a game or not, but no child should be using phrases like "I will kill you".

 

[disfan07]

I definitely don't think there is anything wrong with the mother talking to the teacher....the child is 4.

However, I want to address the idea of the child talking to the teacher.

When I was working at a preschool, many of the 4 year olds were very capable of talking to the teacher about something like this. The key is that they had help. Having a 4 year old do this ALONE is kind of out there but we had many times where the child would come up to us with the parent there and the child would tell us what was wrong, what happened, etc. They are very capable of talking to the teacher about it if the teacher is receptive and listens but most of them need a little help or encouragement by the parent.

We found this to be a great thing because it gave the kids a chance to be "independent" and learn an important skill WITH the comfort and security knowing that their parent was still there for help.


And i'm not talking about a long conversation with the teacher. The kids would tell us that so and so was playing a game they didn't like, etc. and and that they didn't want to play anymore. We would then talk to the child to find out what was going on.

JMO

 

[FredinFL]

Well, just maybe the little girl knows something, something about someone who does this? I would tell the teacher. Who knows where she is getting this from, not to be an alarmist, but what if someone she knows is doing this and she saw it or something? Sure, it could be a TV show she's seen, but

 

[Disneycrazy!!]

I agree with some of the other people...at this age the little girl may be acting out something she has seen or heard. My son is 5 and very curious about death right now. A family member died recently and he has been confused and he constantly talks about this person's death. We have tried explaining it over and over but I think he just wants reassurance or maybe he is having a difficult time processing it in his mind.
I would for sure talk to the school teacher and bring it to her attention.

 

[Acklander]

If it were me, I'd let the teacher know so that she could deal with it. I'd also take the opportunity to talk to my child about how she's allowed to say no when she feels uncomfortable with a game or situation.
Sometimes with kids that age, they're so used to being told what to do (by parents, teachers, grandparents, babysitters and other authority figures) that they sometimes get the message that they're not allowed to just say no.
This is a perfect opportunity to teach her the difference between a parent telling her what to do and another child telling her what to do. Think of it as a first step in standing up for herself which is a great tool to carry forward with her into the future.