Is this typical for funeral homes?

[yoopermom]

Background: my DU and DA are in their late 60s, have 1 DS. They are retired and live in a fairly large Midwestern city.

Last night, DA came home from work about 6:30 pm to find DU deceased on the bathroom floor. She immediately called 911, who dispatched the proper officials, who called the requested funeral home. (I don't know if she chose the funeral home ahead of time, or if it was a last minute decision). DS only lives a few minutes away, and was there quickly, but not allowed inside.

The funeral home reps did not get there until after 11 pm. They consisted of two small, thin women. DU was a very large man (probably 275) and the women could not handle him, so his DS had to go in and help them put him in the body bag, lift him onto the gurney, struggle to get the gurney over the wet, deep grass from the patio door to the hearse, etc.

Obviously, if it would have been you or I, at the first sign that these women were incapable of doing it themselves, we probably would have had the funeral home manager on the phone and had them send out additional help immediately. However, my DA was completely overcome after spending 4+ hours with the body, waiting for them, and wasn't able to think clearly. She expects nothing in recompense, but just was shocked that her own DS had to help handle it.

Is this normal? We live in a very small town, with only one funeral home, so I might be more forgiving of it up here, but this is a huge city, with lots of them...

TIA!
Terri

 

[poohfriend77]

Background: my DU and DA are in their late 60s, have 1 DS. They are retired and live in a fairly large Midwestern city.

Last night, DA came home from work about 6:30 pm to find DU deceased on the bathroom floor. She immediately called 911, who dispatched the proper officials, who called the requested funeral home. (I don't know if she chose the funeral home ahead of time, or if it was a last minute decision). DS only lives a few minutes away, and was there quickly, but not allowed inside.

The funeral home reps did not get there until after 11 pm. They consisted of two small, thin women. DU was a very large man (probably 275) and the women could not handle him, so his DS had to go in and help them put him in the body bag, lift him onto the gurney, struggle to get the gurney over the wet, deep grass from the patio door to the hearse, etc.

Obviously, if it would have been you or I, at the first sign that these women were incapable of doing it themselves, we probably would have had the funeral home manager on the phone and had them send out additional help immediately. However, my DA was completely overcome after spending 4+ hours with the body, waiting for them, and wasn't able to think clearly. She expects nothing in recompense, but just was shocked that her own DS had to help handle it.

Is this normal? We live in a very small town, with only one funeral home, so I might be more forgiving of it up here, but this is a huge city, with lots of them...

TIA!
Terri

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I think it was absolutely unacceptable that the son had to help with his father's body! The funeral home should have enough people "on call" to handle such situations 24/7. I hope once your aunt is thinking more clearly, she lets the funeral home directors know that the circumstances caused her additional, unnecessary stress.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

Never have heard something like this, it's actually a bit shocking and disrespectful of the grieving family.

 

[tink_n_pooh]

In every experience I have had with a funeral home they were there within 1-2 hours at most (we live in a pretty small town, well small county really, funeral homes are about 30-ish minutes away). The people from the funeral home took care of everything in a very efficient, professional manner (even changed sheets on the bed, cleaned up as best they could without being a nuisance). Seems a little odd to me, were these woman owners of the funeral home?

I am sorry for your loss

 

[RitaE]

In both cases I have experience with the ambulance crew stayed at the house until the funeral home officials arrived. The family was never left to just deal alone and the family certainly didn't have to handle the logistics.

Again, not a bustling metropolis so maybe it is different in other places.

 

[FireDancer]

I worked in the industry for a while. Removal methods do vary from area to area but that scenario isn't normal anywhere in my experience (and I worked for a mortuary shipping company so we dealt with the entire country).

When doing a home removal it is customary to always bring two people for the very reason you mentioned, that the person may be too heavy for one to lift and the family shouldn't have to help. In a hospital or nursing home or facility there is staff that could help.

I guess technically that is what they did but usually the two involved aren't both smaller women.

If the person being removed was larger than normal we might have a third guy go along. The only thing I can think is that the funeral home either didn't ask if the body was large or were told by someone that he was normal size.

As for the time, 3 hours is excessive for a removal but a lot comes into play there. The removal company could have had a removal farther away and if it is a small town it isn't always easy to find alternatives. There were areas we dealt with that had one company with two vans that covered multiple counties. If they were both out or on the far end of their coverage territory it could take a while. House removals were always prioritized but that doesn't matter if you are an hour away and already have a body in the van that has to be dropped off first.

In any case sorry for your loss.

 

[powellrj]

Let me tell you my story, when my DFIL died, I called hospice, they told me to call the funeral home. I called the funeral home, it went to answering machine. I waited an hour and called the funeral home back, still had the answering machine on. I called hospice back and they told me to call the funeral home, I told them I already did and kept getting the answering machine, they said they didn't know what to do. I asked if someone could come out and call the death since it had now been 2 hours. Nope, I called the police to see if they could help and they said to call the coroner, no help because the coroners number was the same as the funeral home.

I finally called my DS who had just gotten back from Iraq where he was a medic and was a EMT. He came and called the death.

We are now up to hour number 3. I call hospice again and say is there anyone who can help us, nope just keep trying the funeral home.

At hour number 4 DS called someone he knew at the fire station who called the county police who went to the coroners house and woke him up.

He was tired and had his phone on vibrate and didn't hear it. He then calls back to tell me that the drivers are lost and can we met them some place and direct them to the house, I said sure so at 5am I was out driving to a local parking lot to met the hearse.

What really made me mad about the whole thing was I had met with the guy 2 days before and asked what to do because we knew the end was near. I did exactly what he told me to do and I might as well have taken the body myself. To add insult hospice charged me for each phone call they answered and it wasn't cheap.

It took almost 6 hours to finally get someone to remove the body.

 

[yoopermom]

Well, now I feel better in feeling that this was "not right". I thought maybe since I lived in a very rural area that it was different in the big city, but it still doesn't seem very professional to me...

Terri

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

When my best friend's grandmother died this past year, she was living with my friend and her mother (grandmother was in her 90s and had dementia.) They had to call to report the death and the police were actually at their house for 5 hours while they waited for the funeral home. Talk about awkward.

 

[mickeymedic]

Where I live and work, an unattended death = EMS and police response. In my experience, the family is never left alone. In one community, the ambulance crew or a supervisor would generally stay with the family until the coroner or funeral home personnel arrived. In another community, the ambulance crew would stay until the sheriff's deputies arrived. The deputies would stay until the coroner or funeral home personnel arrived. So, in no case was a family member left alone with their deceased loved one.

The community I work in now, the fire department has been called out to assist in moving a body. I can't imagine thinking it acceptable to have a grieving family member assist with this.

I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry your Aunt and son had to go through that.

 

[Heidict]

Wow, totally unacceptable. I'm so sorry for your lose and that your Aunt and her son had to go through something like that.

My father in law passed away last year. By the time my DH called me and I was able to get there from work the police were there, the ambulance crew and the police chaplain. The office called the funeral home of our choice and they had a couple of guys there within an hour or so. They were great. They all were and they helped make a difficult situation a bit easier.

So sorry your Aunt and her son were treated poorly. I know that there is no way my DH would have been able to assist them with his father the way your cousin was forced to. Someone needs to speak to the director of the funeral home so that they hopefully won't make this cold hearted and asinine mistake again.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Let me tell you my story, when my DFIL died, I called hospice, they told me to call the funeral home. I called the funeral home, it went to answering machine. I waited an hour and called the funeral home back, still had the answering machine on. I called hospice back and they told me to call the funeral home, I told them I already did and kept getting the answering machine, they said they didn't know what to do. I asked if someone could come out and call the death since it had now been 2 hours. Nope, I called the police to see if they could help and they said to call the coroner, no help because the coroners number was the same as the funeral home.

I finally called my DS who had just gotten back from Iraq where he was a medic and was a EMT. He came and called the death.

We are now up to hour number 3. I call hospice again and say is there anyone who can help us, nope just keep trying the funeral home.

At hour number 4 DS called someone he knew at the fire station who called the county police who went to the coroners house and woke him up.

He was tired and had his phone on vibrate and didn't hear it. He then calls back to tell me that the drivers are lost and can we met them some place and direct them to the house, I said sure so at 5am I was out driving to a local parking lot to met the hearse.

What really made me mad about the whole thing was I had met with the guy 2 days before and asked what to do because we knew the end was near. I did exactly what he told me to do and I might as well have taken the body myself. To add insult hospice charged me for each phone call they answered and it wasn't cheap.

It took almost 6 hours to finally get someone to remove the body.

Wow! That must have been difficult. I can't believe your hospice was so unhelpful. When my FIL was on home hospice care, my MIL was told to call the hospice when he passed away. It happened at 3:00 a.m., and the nurse was at their house in less than 1/2 an hour. She led my MIL and FIL's brother through several steps. First, she confirmed the death. She asked if they wanted to say anything or pray. They wanted to read from the Bible, but were too shaky, so the nurse read the passage for them. She asked if there was anyone who might want to come and pay respects before the body was taken away. My MIL called us around 4:00 a.m. to ask DH if he wanted to come. DH was torn, so the nurse got on the phone and explained that it was OK either way. If he wanted to remember his dad from our last visit the night before, that was OK. If he didn't want to see him deceased, he shouldn't feel badly. So DH said he didn't want to see him and the nurse said she would be calling the funeral home. They were only a few blocks away and got there quickly. MIL said they were very profesional and very kind. Before leaving, the hospice nurse gathered up the sheets from the bed, put them in the washer, and turned it on! She also left some pamphlets and phone numbers behind. We thought the whole thing was handled very well.

 

[SandrA9810]

Wow, that is just unimaginable, any of these stories. I visited a funeral home as part of my class, and the way they handle everything is amazing. Of course they are one of the last few private companies. Over 80% are now corporate owned and handled, there's very little professionalism left in it.

As much as it's pushed to handle your "end of life" terms with doctors and families, not many plan for after life terms. I don't think any one has to be in the business to know that is not normal.

 

[daisax]

When my father was in high school he had to help the funeral home men carry his 400 lb aunt down three flights of stairs. Given what bodies do post mortem, apparently it was a pretty disgusting task all around, but not much choice in the matter.

Of course that was the 1940s!

I guess I always assumed that the ambulance would transport the remains to some municipal facility once the police released them, but maybe that's from watching crime shows.

 

[yoopermom]

I guess I always assumed that the ambulance would transport the remains to some municipal facility once the police released them, but maybe that's from watching crime shows.

That's another thing that I was surprised by, that nobody seems to know or care what he died from, as long as it was "natural". I thought they would autopsy him or something to find out what he died from, but obviously not...

Terri

 

[FireDancer]

I guess I always assumed that the ambulance would transport the remains to some municipal facility once the police released them, but maybe that's from watching crime shows.

There are areas where that happens. It just depends on the area and the circumstances.

 

[mickeymedic]

Around here an ambulance will not transport a deceased person. Pretty much if they are not going to an emergency room, they are not going by ambulance. From reading everyone's comments, I will certainly consider changing the sheets if I ever find myself helping out in this type of situation again. I had not thought of that - but it makes a lot of sense.

 

[daisax]

In our state unattended deaths require different paperwork. Most of the time it's pretty straight forward, especially since most people who die at home are under hospice care and they usually have everything already prepared.

 

[yoopermom]

In our state unattended deaths require different paperwork. Most of the time it's pretty straight forward, especially since most people who die at home are under hospice care and they usually have everything already prepared.

You know, I just don't understand how it can be straight forward, when he had no health concerns except the diabetes (which can kill, I know, but would you be able to tell that from just looking at him?).

Aka, if your relative dies a "natural", unattended death, you may never know what he died of?

Confusing...

Terri

 

[Heidict]

That's another thing that I was surprised by, that nobody seems to know or care what he died from, as long as it was "natural". I thought they would autopsy him or something to find out what he died from, but obviously not...

Terri

I have had 3 deaths of close family members in the last couple of years.

My sister died, alone, in her bed during the night. She had MS and the coroner gave my mother the option as to whether or not an autopsy was performed. My mother said yes, since my sister was only 42 at the time and I think my mother was concerned that she missed something and was blaming herself for her death.

My FIL was 66 and had hypertension, diabetes, and RA. The coroner asked my MIL if she wanted an autopsy and she said no. We have no idea what he actually died from and I don't know what the death certificate said. Not even sure if I read it, even though I know we have one at home.

My step sister died suddenly at the age of 44. Standing in her kitchen, alone in the house, she just dropped and died out of the blue. There was an autopsy and the full work up done. They found absolutely nothing. We still have no idea what happened or why she died. Very frustrating.

It just depends on the circumstances, age of the deceased and their medial history.

All 3 of these deaths occurred in different towns and counties, but in the same state.