Is this party favor just going to cause hurt feelings?

[EclecticWAHM]

It's pretty hurtful. You cannot deny that. If you're at school and you invite only the "cool" kids and none of the rest, it really puts a bad taste in everyone's mouth.

Just like with everyone else, send invites to all (doesn't mean they'll come) and deal with whats been dealt.

Girls are horrible sometimes.

Why does everyone have to be invited? That's just silly. There are any number of reasons that only a certain number of kids might be invited. Personally I think a kid should be able to invite who they want to their party. Might there be hurt feelings? Sure. Kids need to learn to deal with hurt feelings. It's just a part of life.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I have to say that it is things like this that make me roll my eyes so hard. What happened to kids being able to celebrate each other? Why can't Suzy say "I went to XYZ this week it was so fun!" While Mary says "That is awesome! I am so happy you had a great time!"? Why can't a parent just say "Wow that was a nice favor they got at Jill's party."? Why do people think that just because their child wasn't included - and I am not talking about where just 1 child is excluded, here it was over half the kids- that they just can't say "Not everyone gets invited to everything?" I honestly think it is the parents who make such a big deal about it. This is why we have the whole "everyone gets a trophy you are all the best" rules. I am sorry but that does not prepare everyone for real life. As much as I never want my children to be disappointed and it breaks my heart when it happens I know that they are learning and maturing from it. I think saying that wearing the shirt is mean etc. is ridiculous. FTR- A lot of people do the shirt thing here. I think it's cute. YMMV.

 

[luvmy3]

Agreed 100%.

I do agree someone MIGHT get upset over the girl wearing the shirt. However, I don't think getting upset is a justifiable response. To me, by the time a child reaches ~9-10, they should learn they can't always be included.

My DS just had his 9th birthday party at a Laser Tag place. For the last rounds of the night, I told DS he would be a captain and to pick the other captain. Those two then picked their teams 1-by-1. A couple of the boys picked by the other captain were visibly upset (because they didn't get picked by DS). I thought that age (8 & 9 year olds) should have known better. Kids who are three years older? Absolutely!

Absolutely, the time of protecting their eggshell egos has passed. If you haven't done that for your child by age 12, well good luck with all that.

 

[kacaju]

Just like with everyone else, send invites to all (doesn't mean they'll come) and deal with whats been dealt.

So which is a better option in your opinion?

Invite 20 kids (say everyone in your childs class) to a Birthday Party and have only 8 (say these 8 are your childs *friends*) show up.

Or:

Invite the 8 children you know your child is friendly with and have all 8 show up?

 

[aprilgail2]

6th, 7th and and 8th graders (boys and girls) are brutal.. I serve them lunch 5 days a week!!
Seriously...at that age I really do not pick out their clothes and would never tell my 7th grader not to wear a shirt like that if it was within the schools dress code.

Heck...half the time I could not even tell you what my dd12 is wearing until she gets into the lunch room to say hi to me.


.

I couldn't tell you what my daughter was wearing on any given day-sometimes I am gone before she even goes to school, other times I drive her and STILL couldn't tell you what she was wearing, as long as its in the dress code its fine with me.

It's pretty hurtful. You cannot deny that. If you're at school and you invite only the "cool" kids and none of the rest, it really puts a bad taste in everyone's mouth.

Just like with everyone else, send invites to all (doesn't mean they'll come) and deal with whats been dealt.

I don't see an issue with it- my daughter has a party and she is not going to want the "cool kids" there- she is a nerd and wants all her nerdy friends there- she would be miserable if she had to invite the "cool kids".
We had 10 kids in the girl scout troop, 8 were close friends, the other 2 kids we tolerated and included in the group during girl scout things but none of the kids would ever have them at their parties and when those two kids had birthdays they would never invite the other 8 kids. Nor do I think any of them should be forced to invite kids they don't even like, thats just silly after about 2nd grade! People I know have parties and if I am not invited so be it--suck it up buttercup LOL...

 

[Rylee]

I'm curious... For those that think the shirt is a thoughtless party favor, or worse, a parent lending a hand in creating a clique, and/or a 6th grade girl wearing the shirt is showing off and being mean to those who weren't invited...

Why do you assume the intentions of the mother and shirt wearing child are meant to hurt others? Why can't it be as simple as a cost or space thing? Or the shirt they grabbed from the top of the "clean pile" that morning?

Let's say one of the unpopular girls has a party, her mother prints up shirts and the girls wear them to school. Are they being mean? Is that okay because your child doesn't want to be part of their group and wouldn't have wanted to go anyway?

If a child invites the entire class to their party, and your daughter/son doesn't like the birthday boy/girl, do you force your child to go to the party so as not to hurt their feelings?

What about a case of your child not making a team, and then the team is required to wear their jerseys/uniform to school on game days? Are they rubbing it in?

This year for our son's 14th birthday, we took 15 kids to a Water Park, about an hour away from home. We had 3 car loads and that's the number of kids that we could fit. Should we have told our son he had to choose a different type of party because he couldn't invite more than 15?

This year, DS14 decided to do Cross County instead of Football. Last Friday, the entire football team was doing a group activity for some team bonding at the coach's request, (not football related... they went on a Haunted Walk.) All of my son's closest buddies are on the team. Should I have called the coach and complained that his idea was mean because my son was being left out?

Do you expect your child will always be invited to every event or be a part of every group?

Isn't it better to learn how to handle small disappointments along the way so they have some coping skills to draw from when they encounter bigger disappointments?

 

[monkeybug]

I have to say that it is things like this that make me roll my eyes so hard. What happened to kids being able to celebrate each other? Why can't Suzy say "I went to XYZ this week it was so fun!" While Mary says "That is awesome! I am so happy you had a great time!"? Why can't a parent just say "Wow that was a nice favor they got at Jill's party."? Why do people think that just because their child wasn't included - and I am not talking about where just 1 child is excluded, here it was over half the kids- that they just can't say "Not everyone gets invited to everything?" I honestly think it is the parents who make such a big deal about it. This is why we have the whole "everyone gets a trophy you are all the best" rules. I am sorry but that does not prepare everyone for real life. As much as I never want my children to be disappointed and it breaks my heart when it happens I know that they are learning and maturing from it. I think saying that wearing the shirt is mean etc. is ridiculous. FTR- A lot of people do the shirt thing here. I think it's cute. YMMV.

Yes! I have a sign in my house that says "Comparison is the thief of joy" and I think that is SO true. Yes, it hurts when everyone else is invited and you're not, but instead of thinking about all the fun they had that you didn't, be happy for them and create your own fun. I try very hard to teach my children to build others up and share in their joy, even if they were not a part of it. I think encouraging the "everyone must be included/win" attitude in life just encourages that constant comparison that can lead to jealousy, bitterness, and low self esteem.
Not everyone gets along. Some people get to do REALLY cool things that we don't. There are times when you will be the odd man out. That's ok! Be happy for the good things that happen to people and move on, don't make them about you or use it as some sort of yardstick for measuring your own life. It has nothing to do with you or your happiness.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Yes! I have a sign in my house that says "Comparison is the thief of joy" and I think that is SO true. Yes, it hurts when everyone else is invited and you're not, but instead of thinking about all the fun they had that you didn't, be happy for them and create your own fun. I try very hard to teach my children to build others up and share in their joy, even if they were not a part of it. I think encouraging the "everyone must be included/win" attitude in life just encourages that constant comparison that can lead to jealousy, bitterness, and low self esteem.
Not everyone gets along. Some people get to do REALLY cool things that we don't. There are times when you will be the odd man out. That's ok! Be happy for the good things that happen to people and move on, don't make them about you or use it as some sort of yardstick for measuring your own life. It has nothing to do with you or your happiness.

I LOVE THAT! I am so going to use that. That is a great way to put it.

 

[mdsoccermom]

Our state's Jewish population is .5%. I would guess 90% of that 1/2 percent live in or around Milwaukee, so no, other than a girlfriend that converted and lives in TX, I can't name one Jewish person in the area. In my immediate area (approx 220,000 people), there is one active synagogue.

It is obviously regional, since I've never heard of clothing for party favors. Party favors here are small and inexpensive.

Well, bar and bat mitzvahs aren't your average parties, and for those it's very common to give out shirts as favors. I got a bunch of them growing up, and my daughter has a bunch.

 

[mamacatnv]

Neither I or my DD would feel left out nor would we assume that the shirt was worn just to brag that someone else did not attend.

I honestly believe that the issue here resides more with the Parent's who feel that their child is somehow being shunned than it does wth etiquette or anything else.

Parents teach their children, children pick up on what their parents say.

If children are raised knowing they are not the center of the universe and are taught to think that the actions of others are not automatically meant to offend them, then most of them would have no issue with a classmate wearing the t-shirt. It's kids who are taught that others are here just to cause offense are the ones who would have an issue.

The whole attitude that someone is out to offend another is really getting old. Parents need to get over themselves

 

[debster812]

Well, bar and bat mitzvahs aren't your average parties, and for those it's very common to give out shirts as favors. I got a bunch of them growing up, and my daughter has a bunch.

ITA with this. We are Catholic, and DS is 15 now, but he has 2 T shirts and 1 Hoodie from Bar & Bat Mitzvahs he's been invited to. He'll be making his Confirmation this spring, and I think we'll just have a dinner with his grandparents, godparents and their children.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

When DD was in the primary grades, we would invite all the girls in the class to Birthday parties. The parties lasted about 3 hours and then everyone went home. Now that she's almost 12, she prefers a smaller group of friends to have sleepovers with. For her next Birthday, she will invite 7 girls over for a sleepover. I don't see the point of older girls having to invite everyone over to a non-school event---especially if it requires overnight supervision by me!

As for the shirt, I don't see it as being mean at all. The girls who were not invited will probably still hear about the party. Should parties have to be kept a secret from the non-attendees? I find that ruder than anything. I've always tried to teach DD that everyone does not always get invited to everything. Your feelings may get hurt, but it's all a part of growing up.

 

[lovin'fl]

Responding to OP...while it is inconsiderate to wear the shirt and we may choose to direct our kids in how to be considerate, we cannot 'make' others be considerate and it is a fact of life that sometimes our kids will get hurt feelings and be left out of things and some people just aren't going to like them. I want my kids to realize that's just how the cookie crumbles and there aint nothin' they can do about it.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Responding to OP...while it is inconsiderate to wear the shirt and we may choose to direct our kids in how to be considerate, we cannot 'make' others be considerate and it is a fact of life that sometimes our kids will get hurt feelings and be left out of things and some people just aren't going to like them. I want my kids to realize that's just how the cookie crumbles and there aint nothin' they can do about it.

Wow, that's a bit snippy huh? Just because you personally find it inconsiderate doesn't mean that it is.

 

[Rylee]

Where does it end? Is there an age that people should understand events take place that might not involve everyone? If not by 12, what... 16, 18, 21, never?

Seriously, do you even want your child invited to every party/gathering/event? Even before 6th grade, I knew there were kids I did want to encourage my children to be involved with, and homes/families where I didn't want my children spending the night.

Is this a case of different rules for different fools? Is it only the popular cool kids that are part of the "in crowd" that must invite everyone or act like the event never took place when around others that weren't invited? Would you be just as upset if a known troublemaker, or the kid whose parent allows older teenage siblings to have drinking parties in their home, had a party and your kid was invited?

Personally, I don't want to wish my children's childhood away, but I'll be glad when our youngest 2 are beyond the big birthday party age... going to all these parties gets expensive!

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Meh, something for the kids to get over and move on about. It's no big deal unless you let it be.

 

[PaulaSue]

As a mom of 3 girls I dont see a problem with the shirt.

You got to get a thick skin, this is life and if a shirt really bothers someone, Ugg!

 

[Wishing on a star]

In a perfect world... Yes, everyone would have a 'thick skin', and would be able to be happy about being excluded from another groups 'celebration'....

In the real world...
And, ESPECIALLY in the social world of girls this age...
Ummmm.. NOT SO MUCH.
Just a huge reality check.

And, while I am not flaming or disagreeing with anyone on either side...
Just personally, I think that shirt stating the particular girl's (using her actual name) Bat Mitzvah ROCKED.... is the most self absorbed, self-promoting, narcissistic, thing I have seen in quite some time. Seriously, like I said, something I would just never, ever, do. Would never even consider it. Regional or not.

But, yes, in the grand scheme of things... people (especially girls of this age, and even their parents) will do this kind of thing. And, girls do need to learn to get past it.

 

[N&B'smom]

I don't know a kid *with* a pile of bar/bat mizvah and birthday party hoodies. First, because no one around here is Jewish and second, clothing as a party favor is unheard of.

I know a kid with a pile of party hoodies and other clothes, my DS. He has sweatshirts, sweatpants, shorts and tshirts all from this past year's bar mitzvahs/bat mitzvahs. He has one more coming next weekend and I'm sure we'll be adding something else to the pile!

 

[luvmy3]

In a perfect world... Yes, everyone would have a 'thick skin', and would be able to be happy about being excluded from another groups 'celebration'....

In the real world...
And, ESPECIALLY in the social world of girls this age...
Ummmm.. NOT SO MUCH.
Just a huge reality check.

Not my problem. If their parents taught them that they deserved to be included, or sheltered from the fact that they weren't, that is their problem. While I wouldn't encourage my dd to rub it in anyone's face that she was at a party (or whatever) I'm certainly not going to tell her to act like it never happened, or not wear a shirt with a picture of the event to spare the feelings of some girl that may be offended that she wasn't invited.
A true reality check would be that you aren't special to everyone, you aren't going to be included in everything, and you aren't going to be protected from knowing that.