Is this normal teen behavior?

[cruisingtwins]

My cousin asked me if her 14 yo cuold stay with us a few days during spring break since she was working. I said of course. We have not spent time with her lately but when she was little we used to hang out a lot and she is a pretty cool kid but she was really mean to my 4 yo twins the entire time. Things like taking their toys away and hanging them over their heads, they built something with lego and she broke it. She repeated everything they said etc.

I took them to aquatica and she kept splashing their faces even though they hate it. She tried to trick them into going under those bucket things. She grabbed my son tu put him there end he was crying I was right there and ket telling her to stop that they don't like it and she kept doing it. They have this little tube slide in the kids area where and adult can go with a kid I asked her to go with my daughter so I could go with my son and she said no so I asked her to keep an eye on one of them while I took turns taking them. i took my son and it was fine but when I went to take my daughter I went back and she left my son all alone in the pool he was wearing a life jacket and there were a bunch of lifeguards but still. Later in the day at home I walked into the room we gave her and she had a pillow over my sons head. I yelled at her at asking what the hell she was doing and she was just laguing and said it was just a game. At that pont I had DH drive her home. Now that it's the next day I was wondering if I should talk to her mom. I adore my cousin and I know nobody likes to hear bad things about their kid but I'm thinking her behavior is not normal.

 

[hereyago]

No, she has some issues and I wouldnt let her near my kids again.

 

[EMom]

If anything, teens get quiet and won't utter a peep at that age. I found they were mostly on their best behavior at someone else's house, so no, being that mean is not normal. It may be HER normal. Who knows? I'm a pretty straightforward person. I'd tell the mom you won't be having her back and why. She was repeatedly mean to your kids and you don't have the patience for that. You made the mistake once and you won't make it again. Frankly, I think her mom needs to know so she doesn't try to foist her off on some other unsuspecting person in the future. I'd have driven her home well before "a few days" was up. Maybe after an hour or two.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would not consider that normal.
And, I would not be taking in this 14 year old girl again, not unless there were huge changes and these behaviors might be addressed.

All I can say is Good Luck with any idea that talking to her mom, your cousin will be effective or productive.
Remember the old adage "Don't like the message, HATE the messenger."
I don't know your family dynamics and who has relationships with who, but you could possibly bear the brunt of a lot of negative drama.

I would not hesitate, however, to speak up and decline if there is ever any hint of this girl staying with you again. Just let them know that it didn't work out well, and you just can't. Period... Lather-Rinse-Repeat.

 

[EMom]

There may be a reason her mom didn't want her home alone for a few days. Maybe she hoped YOU would keep an eye on her.

Because she's a handful.

 

[Tasha228]

That is definitely not normal. I'd say something to her mom. I'd rather be the messenger that is hated than be the one that doesn't speak up and later hears about the 14 year old's behavior getting someone hurt. She sounds like she needs help for some issues.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I would not have her back after the pillow incident followed the pattern of more minor agressions. But I agree that talking to her mother would probably go nowhere.

 

[DisneyOma]

If you know the child has been hurting/abusing/tormenting your kids, you need to let the mother know. There are problems here that need to be addressed. What if she goes on to hurt other kids?

 

[cruisingtwins]

We definetly won't be having her again. I'm not good at confrontation and I would not want for my cousin to get mad a me over this but if it were my kid I would want to know so I can take them to a therapist or something. I don't know my husband is on team let it go and not letting her near our kids again.

 

[EMom]

The reason I'd tell the mom is not so I can be assured something will be done, because that is out of your hands. The mom may completely ignore you. I'd tell her so my conscience would be clear. If something happens in the future when the teen is around other kids, I would know I had sounded the alarm bell and not kept quiet. If you keep your mouth shut and she eventually harms someone, you will always wonder what would have happened if you had just spoken up.

 

[DisneyOma]

I'm not good at confrontation and I would not want for my cousin to get mad a me over this

And what if she hurts some kid she's allowed to babysit, etc? What's more important, that you don't want a confrontation because "you're not good at it" or a kid's safety???

 

[robinb]

If you know the child has been hurting/abusing/tormenting your kids, you need to let the mother know. There are problems here that need to be addressed. What if she goes on to hurt other kids?

I agree. That is not normal behavior and I don't think I would allow her to be with my children again.

 

[Wishing on a star]

That is definitely not normal. I'd say something to her mom. I'd rather be the messenger that is hated than be the one that doesn't speak up and later hears about the 14 year old's behavior getting someone hurt. She sounds like she needs help for some issues.

Ohhh, of course, I do agree! Believe me!
But, in all reality, I do not see that this has much chance of working out and being effective at all.
If the parents are responsible and want to get help for this girl, they will do so.
If they want to live in denial and to blame the messenger (which is what I believe is happening) then simply 'talking to the parents' will not be effective.

I guess I am just saying that one should tread VERY lightly.

 

[sksjasams]

I would definitely not allow her near my kids again. Your kids have a right to feel safe in their own home.

I suspect the mom already knows how the girl is, but if not, maybe you could say something generally about you feeling like the girl is inexperienced about how to behave around smaller kids...something to kind of ease into it, and see how your cousin responds.

It is entirely possible that this girl is treating kids the way she has been treated at home, maybe by older sibs, parents, babysitters, or other cousins. Maybe she has learned that type of behavior can be excused by calling it playing or joking around.

 

[Tasha228]

If the parents are responsible and want to get help for this girl, they will do so.
If they want to live in denial and to blame the messenger (which is what I believe is happening) then simply 'talking to the parents' will not be effective.

Except we don't know that the parents even have a clue at this point...

 

[shoney]

Sounds to me like she didn't want to be there and she got what she wished for!

 

[EMom]

Ohhh, of course, I do agree! Believe me!
But, in all reality, I do not see that this has much chance of working out and being effective at all.
If the parents are responsible and want to get help for this girl, they will do so.
If they want to live in denial and to blame the messenger (which is what I believe is happening) then simply 'talking to the parents' will not be effective.

I guess I am just saying that one should tread VERY lightly.

And I'm saying I wouldn't care if I offended the mom, especially since I'll wager she has more than a clue about her daughter's tendencies and she let her come over to a house with vulnerable 4 year olds.

So what if the extended family hears about this and takes sides? If I'm some random cousin, I would WANT to know that Cousin Teen has a habit of trying to smother little kids with pillows so that I don't let her in my house and I'd consider it a favor that I was made privy to this tidbit of info. On the other hand, if it's kept quiet and she has the chance to harm my child, I will not take kindly to the fact that the OP didn't want to make waves and put my child at risk.

Sorry to sound like an alarmist, but this potentially sounds like the kind of teen that babysits a toddler and the toddler winds up injured or dead due to "rough play gone bad." Then it's the teen's word against the word of a toddler who can't really tell their side. You know, the wrestling games gone wrong, etc. I have worked with troubled teens and I'm saying there are enough issues here that I wouldn't let this teen around little kids. Telling her mom puts the mom on notice that if anything goes wrong in the future, she will not be able to claim ignorance of her daughter's tendencies. It will not her daughter's word against no word at all. And maybe other family members will have a heads up to avoid having this girl over. If I were a relative, I would expect that from a family member.

In the grand scheme of things, I don't care about the feelings of the teen's mom nearly so much as I worry about the safety of the young children in the extended family.

 

[robinb]

Ohhh, of course, I do agree! Believe me!
But, in all reality, I do not see that this has much chance of working out and being effective at all.
If the parents are responsible and want to get help for this girl, they will do so.
If they want to live in denial and to blame the messenger (which is what I believe is happening) then simply 'talking to the parents' will not be effective.

I guess I am just saying that one should tread VERY lightly.

You're right, but I think I would still say something to the mom even if it meant that I would be blamed. Each thing (except for the pillow) is pretty minor but put together it frames a child who does not respect the OP and who enjoys teasing pre-schoolers to almost the point of torment.

OP, did your cousin ask why you didn't take her DD back?

 

[EMom]

You're right, but I think I would still say something to the mom even if it meant that I would be blamed. Each thing (except for the pillow) is pretty minor but put together it frames a child who does not respect the OP and who enjoys teasing pre-schoolers to almost the point of torment.

OP, did your cousin ask why you didn't take her DD back?

That's a good question. It sounds like you took her back early. Didn't the mom ask why?

I keep thinking that 14 is just two years away from a driver's license and holding a job. Not a 7-8 year old. To torment kids in a way that is physically dangerous and to even hold pillows over their head.....really, it sounds like ongoing torment, and is far beyond teasing. And she was warned to stop. That's just innate meanness. My mother would have said, "You're old enough to know better." And she was. So it was a choice.

 

[cruisingtwins]

I asked if she wanted to go home and she said yes. I called my cousin and told her she wanted to go home and my husband would drive her.

BTW my cousind didn't want ot get rid of her or anything like that. She just knows when she is working she jsut stays in her room all day and thought she would like hanging out with my kids and going to the water park.