Is this everyone's family or just mine?

[china mom]

Let me start by saying that we are a family of four and we all love each other and have no problem communicating in person. The kids are DS 20 and DD 18, both live at home. Everyone has a cell phone and we all know each other's numbers.

Whenever DH has a message to pass on to one of the kids, he asks me to do it. "Tell DS that his tires are ready to be picked up" Or, this morning..."Tell DD, I will pick her up in front of the school" This happens ALL THE TIME. And sometimes it is a message that may need follow-up discussion.

I have started refusing and just telling DH to call or text the kid(s) directly. Why does he do this and does anyone else experience this?

 

[ronandannette]

No, not that, that does sound like a peculiar habit of your husband’s. There are times though when my husband and son will text back-and-forth while they’re both home, instead of walking up or down the stairs to talk to each other.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Why does he do this and does anyone else experience this?

I don't think it's uncommon - many families seem to have a "designated coordinator"

(hence products like this) ~

In my family, DH's and DS's work schedules aren't in sync right now, so I actually see each of them more and do tend to play this role a bit.

But there's no reason your DH can't tell them himself if you just don't want to be in the middle. It will probably involve a bit of transition period, but should become habit for him after a while.

 

[PollyannaMom]

There are times though when my husband and son will text back-and-forth while they’re both home...

I do that with both my husband and son if they're playing video games. They can't hear me yell "dinner's ready" or "time to go" (or whatever) with those headsets on, but they see the phone light up next to them.

 

[Brian Noble]

many families seem to have a "designated coordinator"

Strangely, that coordinator is almost always Mom. It's almost never Dad. I don't think Boynton has a "Dad's Family Calendar," for example. (Though in fairness she does now have a generic "My Family Calendar.")

See: Emotional labor. Then tell him, "Gosh, I just don't have time for that, but you can do it."

 

[Marrila]

If he's doing the actual work and he's asking you to send a text I'm not sure that would bother me. Honestly I wouldn't want to be picking out tires if I didn't have to.

 

[mumto3girls]

I don't think it's uncommon - many families seem to have a "designated coordinator"

(hence products like this) ~

LOL I had this very calendar before I started using my phone calendar for everything. It had a pull out sheet for phone numbers that is still on the side of my fridge. And I love love Sandra Boynton. Just ordered a bunch of her books to give to some new babies in our circle.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

My Dad was like that. It was always, "ask your mother." Well I didn't want to ask my mother because she was the disciplinarian naysayer. My Mom is the one who kept the family going, not the supposed Man of the House. She ran that home and organized everything like a loving drill sergeant.

 

[PollyannaMom]

"...And I love love Sandra Boynton. Just ordered a bunch of her books to give to some new babies in our circle."

Me too. I also follow her on Instagram. - She posts cute stuff!

 

[mumto3girls]

My husband does not do this to the same extent OP and I would be annoyed. No reason your husband can’t send his own text.

My husband does like me to be the one to call/text the kids about things we want them to do (recently it was that we were switching insurance and he needed pics of their licenses). Generally though that would be if he and I were together (we work together) he would verbally tell me what he wants the kids to be informed of. I occasionally remind him that he does not have a secretary. He also includes me on texts he sends to the kids that have nothing to do with me—I don’t see much reason for that but it’s not enough to complain about. Not sure he has ever texted me to text them about something I wasn’t involved in, but honestly it wouldn’t be totally shocking.

 

[slo]

My DH tried to do that, but I told him that I’m not his secretary and he can do it himself - LOL!

In all seriousness…..It‘s not that I don’t want to do it, it’s because I think it’s important for kids, regardless of age, to communicate with both parents equally.

 

[Moliphino]

We'd really only do that if one person was driving and unable to send the text themselves.

My sisters and I do sometimes have to text or call our dad to get a response from mom, just because she's terrible about remembering to check her phone much of the time.

 

[kymom99]

My husband asks me about our son all the time. I frequently say why can’t you ask him yourself? It’s like I’m the go between. They love each other, they just don’t communicate much. My son is living out of the area for now. I text him every day just to check in. My husband hasn’t texted him yet nor has our son texted him. It’s just how they are.

 

[wenrob]

As others have said I think sometimes families are just used to mom being the organizer. Years ago I established a family calendar and have group chats set up so if there’s something we all need to know it goes there. The closest I get to something like that is one of them saying, “Remind me to tell *insert whoever* whatever.” If I get a “can you tell or will you ask” they get a “ask/tell them yourself.” Sometimes they just need to be reminded they have the ability to communicate on their own.

The people who tend to ask me to tell my family things are grandmas, aunts, uncles etc. and to them I say, “You have their number, tell them yourself.” These are people who IMO are being lazy and apathetic about establishing a real relationship with my kids and then want to blame the kids because they don’t hear from them. Not my job to cover for people who don’t want to put in any effort.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

My husband use to do that until I kept telling him he was capable of doing that himself. He still has me look stuff up on his phone though. I have to keep telling him to Google it himself. His twin brother is the same way. He’ll be over at our house and both of them will ask me to do it. I have to remind both of them that they have smartphones and can do it themselves.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Let me start by saying that we are a family of four and we all love each other and have no problem communicating in person. The kids are DS 20 and DD 18, both live at home. Everyone has a cell phone and we all know each other's numbers.

Whenever DH has a message to pass on to one of the kids, he asks me to do it. "Tell DS that his tires are ready to be picked up" Or, this morning..."Tell DD, I will pick her up in front of the school" This happens ALL THE TIME. And sometimes it is a message that may need follow-up discussion.

I have started refusing and just telling DH to call or text the kid(s) directly. Why does he do this and does anyone else experience this?

It's not just you.

 

[jo-jo]

My DH will do that, but I usually have my phone on me or iPad close by. If he says send an email about the thing a week from now. I say when you go upstairs (that’s where the desktops are) you can sent it.

Dh never carries phone around house and half the time it’s not even turned on. I carry always just in case I’m in a “help I’ve fallen and can’t get up “ situation.

 

[QueenIsabella]

My DH doesn't do that, but he has plenty of other annoying habits. One of my bugaboos is, we have a family calendar. There are 6 of us--one launched, so 5 of us live here. I keep telling people (until I'm blue in the face...) WRITE IT ON THE CALNEDAR, OR IT'S NOT HAPPENING! I even like the kids to write work hours, if they're not consistent--this is important because we sometimes have to juggle cars. Everyone has their own highlighter color, but even that's optional--the important thing is, write your recitals, dental appointments, camping trips, whatever, on the calendar. I'll do the recurring ones (Scouts every Monday), but the rest is on you guys.

You would not believe how many times a week I hear, "Oh, did I tell you I have bloodwork tomorrow?" or some such.

 

[Brian Noble]

"Oh, did I tell you I have bloodwork tomorrow?"

"I don't know, let's check the calendar and see!"

 

[leahgoogle]

DH only does this if the child he is trying to communicate with doesn't respond. However, I don't think it's out of the norm, per se. Most of the time the Mom is the coordinator of the family so it's habit to run things through her.