Is this a child's responsibility? (long)

[RadioNate]

My father and I got into quite a tiff today because I said it wasn't my responsibility to "make him feel better." Obviously, he feels completely the opposite.

Here is the background. My father was here last monday and told me that he lost a filling. I recommended that he call his dentist when he asked what I thought he should do. On friday, after seeing the dentist, my father called and told me that the dentist said that the tooth was cracked and he needed a crown. He then proceeded to whine and complain about how it will be painful to get a crown and how he didn't want to get a crown and how expensive crowns are and that they might have to do a root canal and that he doesn't want a root canal and so on and so on. All very woe is me. You get the idea. He said more than once that I was to "make him feel better."

After listening to his complaints, I told him he was being a big baby and to just get his stupid tooth fixed.

Well he told his friend this and they are "appalled" that I spoke to my father that way. I'm 33 years old.

So today he called me to tell me that people think I shouldn't speak to him that way. I told him that is wasn't my responsibility to always "make him feel better." In the past he has called about his tooth, a strained muscle from playing tennis, his friend who is going to be foreclosed on, that his lawn people bent the hose bib, that he had to do laundry because his house cleaner canceled etc etc.

He never asks anything about me or my family. Had he on Friday he'd known that I was home with 2 sick kids and had been to the Dr that morning for myself. He'd also know that I'm facing serious dental reconstruction that one dumb crown hardly touches.

But I digress.

Back to my initial questions. Is it the child's responsibly to make the parent "feel better?" My father thinks it is and said that when my kids are older that I'll see. I replied that I wouldn't put that burden on them.

So parents of adult children, do you expect your children to always 'cheer you up' and make you 'feel better' about minor things happening in your life.

Do your parents expect you to be the one to always 'make them feel better' about what is happening in their lives?

I'm not talking about supporting a parent though a rough time personally or medically. I'm talking about run of the mill mundane things (like my dad feeling bad he pulled a muscle and can't play tennis or that is it raining and his beach outing got canceled.)

 

[N&B'smom]

I would find that type of behavior VERY annoying. And knowing that he was going around to his friends to bad mouth me would annoy me even more.

What could you have possibly said to your father to make him feel better anyway???

 

[tink_n_pooh]

I would have told him to suck it and get it fixed, whining isn't going to make it better


I guess I'm the bad daughter

 

[cteddiesgirl]

I'm a sympathetic listener. I would have just listened to the complaints and then said that he needs to do what he thinks he should do.

I listen to my dad complain all the time. It doesn't really faze me too much. Unless I'm pmsing and his complaints are constant.

 

[Camicar]

What a wuss. And his friends are a bunch of wussies. I think I'd start calling them the Wussie Whiners.

 

[Uncle Remus]

My father and I got into quite a tiff today because I said it wasn't my responsibility to "make him feel better." Obviously, he feels completely the opposite.

Here is the background. My father was here last monday and told me that he lost a filling. I recommended that he call his dentist when he asked what I thought he should do. On friday, after seeing the dentist, my father called and told me that the dentist said that the tooth was cracked and he needed a crown. He then proceeded to whine and complain about how it will be painful to get a crown and how he didn't want to get a crown and how expensive crowns are and that they might have to do a root canal and that he doesn't want a root canal and so on and so on. All very woe is me. You get the idea. He said more than once that I was to "make him feel better."

After listening to his complaints, I told him he was being a big baby and to just get his stupid tooth fixed.

Well he told his friend this and they are "appalled" that I spoke to my father that way. I'm 33 years old.

So today he called me to tell me that people think I shouldn't speak to him that way. I told him that is wasn't my responsibility to always "make him feel better." In the past he has called about his tooth, a strained muscle from playing tennis, his friend who is going to be foreclosed on, that his lawn people bent the hose bib, that he had to do laundry because his house cleaner canceled etc etc.

He never asks anything about me or my family. Had he on Friday he'd known that I was home with 2 sick kids and had been to the Dr that morning for myself. He'd also know that I'm facing serious dental reconstruction that one dumb crown hardly touches.

But I digress.

Back to my initial questions. Is it the child's responsibly to make the parent "feel better?" My father thinks it is and said that when my kids are older that I'll see. I replied that I wouldn't put that burden on them.

So parents of adult children, do you expect your children to always 'cheer you up' and make you 'feel better' about minor things happening in your life.

Do your parents expect you to be the one to always 'make them feel better' about what is happening in their lives?

I'm not talking about supporting a parent though a rough time personally or medically. I'm talking about run of the mill mundane things (like my dad feeling bad he pulled a muscle and can't play tennis or that is it raining and his beach outing got canceled.)

It sounds like your dad is the child, can ya possibly send him to a naughty corner?

How sad for you.

 

[Sandy V.]

I think your dad is acting like he's the child, not you!!

No, it's not your job to make him feel better. He's responsible for his own feelings. Your dad is an adult and he should ACT like one!

 

[TaraPA]

I think it's the fact that he sees it as being entitled to get sympathy from you that bugs you. Ok well it would bug me! If one of my parents is sick, ill, sad, etc. I'm very concerned & caring, willing to bend over backwards to make them feel better. But if they have to ask, beg or whine for my sympathy then forget it! I have kids that act like that, not adult parents! I want my "making them feel better" to be genuine, not forced - sounds like he's forcing it out of you!

Good luck to you!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I don't know if its the nurse in me or what.

But I have no tolerance for this kind of whiney behavior, it drives me crazy. I take care of sick people, REAL sick people all day. I have not tolerance for people who want to whine over something so miniscal.

I would have said the same thing. Quit being such as freakin' baby. And be glad all you have is a cracked tooth because there are people out there with real problems.

 

[clutter]

Aren't all parents like your dad?

Seriously, that sounds like a conversation with my mom. She expected me to call her and listen to whatever she wanted to say. She'd ask me about how my dd and I were doing, but she wasn't interested unless it was a good story she could share with friends.

Anyway, she wasn't always like that. Ok, she was always a LITTLE like that, but it definately got worse as she got older. She and my dad never really chatted much, and the less they were out and about, the more she needed someone to talk to because she was lonely. Sadly, her talk centered around her health and the health of her friends. But yes, rain on a planned outing was a disaster. I was fortunate that I could call her on my commute home and gave her some undivided attention. I think she appreciated that. Now that she's gone, I do the same for my dad. He's just so very lonely now, too.

You know, I have lots of people I can complain to (including how many hundreds of thousands of strangers here on the DIS?), but my parents don't. I am able to give them some and not have it at the expense of my job or family.

But yeah, I would have told my mom the same thing about the crown. However, we both would have laughed about it. That woman had a wicked sense of humor.

 

[DancingBear]

Well, this doesn't fit the gender roles but you can find plenty of support out there for the idea that folks have different conversation styles and that (typically, or stereotypically) women want someone to empathize and are annoyed that men just offer solutions.

I can see where your Dad would be disappointed in your response. However, it sounds to me like the real problem is that he's not really compassionate and caring about the issues in your life, and yet he's expecting that response from you.

 

[EthansMom]

You're Dad's in the wrong and you're in the right. In all likelihood, the friends who agree with him heard a slighly different version of the conversation (a la: "I just called to tell her about my tooth and she called me a baby.").

Honestly, I've gotten really tired of people who EXPECT me to take responsibility for their feelings. I have no problem being understand and empathetic with others. But I'm tired of being treated like I've done something wrong because a family member is having a bad day. So, I know exactly what you mean, OP!

 

[minniecarousel]

Holy crap!

Well, now I suggest you tell your Dad, that you checked with your friends and that most of them think he's a big baby! If I whined to my adult sons that I had a hurt tooth (which I wouldn't do anyway!) they would probably give me the "aw, poor Mom - hope you feel better", but nothing beyond that!

I think your Dad is heavy into role-reversal. He's not old enough or senile enough for that.

 

[C.Ann]

No it's not your responsibility - coming from a 59 year old "mom"..

I would have told him that if he didn't want the crown or the root canal, then just get the tooth pulled - end of story..

As for him relaying this conversation to his friends, somehow I get the feeling he made it sound like his situation was much more dire than it really was..

 

[kellyg403]

As a person who has the same type of parent, but its my mom..you have my sympathy AND my support.

Good gravy, my mom can whine until the cows come home but never in million years will she do anything about it. The funny things is I never remember her being this way when I was a kid. Something happened to her somewhere along the line and I have my good days and my days with it.

I like the suggestion of telling your dad you called all his friends to tell your side of the story and he is being a big ole baby.

Kelly

 

[mamacatnv]

Caller ID is such a beautiful thing

Nope, not your problem. You Father is trying to manipulate you

 

[jeepgirl30]

My dad would never complain about anything to me! However, sure sounds like my mom. She also is always telling me how "special" someone else's kids are and how warm they made her feel when she visited them, unlike me.

She'll come to my house and do things just to upset my DH. He is very particular about things and honestly borderlines OCD. She will rearrange furniture just to get him upset. She'll walk in a room and either open the blinds or shut them and then walk out. She goes into every room and does this.

She tells me her friends can not believe I am so mean to her when she visits or how so and so was so happy and begged her to stay longer. I ask if she rearranges their furniture and she gets all mad, of course never answers if she did or not!

 

[ChrizJen]

I guess I'll be in the minority, but I would have just gone along with it. I'm usually a fairly sympathetic person when I'm listening to someone.
I'll just throw in a "Wow! That sucks!" or "I sure hope things get better!". Sometimes that's all it takes. Some sort of comment that says, "Yes, I hear what you're saying, and I feel bad for you."
I definitely would have interjected with something about the day that you were having though, just so he knew that you were busy with your own troubles. I would have just made it lighthearted. Something like, "Man! We're BOTh having a crappy day!"
But that's just me. I probably wouldn't have made the comment about him being a baby. Sometimes people just need to feel like they're not alone in the world, and that someone cares about what they're going through.

 

[Tink888]

I guess I'll be in the minority, but I would have just gone along with it. I'm usually a fairly sympathetic person when I'm listening to someone.
I'll just throw in a "Wow! That sucks!" or "I sure hope things get better!". Sometimes that's all it takes. Some sort of comment that says, "Yes, I hear what you're saying, and I feel bad for you."
I definitely would have interjected with something about the day that you were having though, just so he knew that you were busy with your own troubles. I would have just made it lighthearted. Something like, "Man! We're BOTh having a crappy day!"
But that's just me. I probably wouldn't have made the comment about him being a baby. Sometimes people just need to feel like they're not alone in the world, and that someone cares about what they're going through.

ITA

If it was the 4th or 5th whiney phone call though my patience would be gone. Like another poster said, caller id is a good thing.

I'd also tell dad that listening and empathy is a two way street.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I would learn to let as much of his whining as possible pass without comment.

HOWEVER, IMHO, there are serious issues and red flags when a parent has an entitlement attitude with their children!!! It is not uncommon... It is wrong... and it pretty much sucks having the parents or inlaws from you know where.

There is something WRONG when a parent feels entitled enough to actually make demands on their child(ren) and then go around actually bad-mouthing their own child. Your dad is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Of course, that goes for any relationship...
But, a parent should have and raise a child to provide for the child's needs, and then let them become independent adults.

Remember, you cannot change other peoples behaviour and expectations... only YOUR reaction to them. Just be prepared to come to terms with the fact that this is how your dad is... and deal with it in a way that does not make you in the wrong...

It sounds like you were having a bad day, and I can see how you kind of went off!!! I am not blaming you at all... Just sayin' remember all of this for future reference as you deal with these situations...

Next time your dad whines, and whines, and says 'I don't wanna.. I don't wanna'... Just say.. "SO, OKAY... DON'T!!! YOU KNOW, DAD, I CAN'T WAVE SOME MAGIC WAND AND MAKE THIS (TOOTH, OR WHATEVER...) GO AWAY... " Follow that with, "I am so sorry about >>>whatever<<<.." and "I really do have to go now.. love ya...". and hang up the phone...

PS: caller ID is your friend!!!