Is there anything I can do?

[Annadesu]

I have a sibling who, for the last year, has been slowly ruining her own life. I don't want to go into the whole story, because it's way too long, but lets just be clear that a LOT of the things that happened were 100% preventable. She has also made multiple bad choices, and left my retired parents to clean up the me$$ for her. She ignores all polite suggestions, and gets mad if any negative things are pointed out.

Now, it's my sibling, and I can't tell her how to live her life. But it's not just her that she's ruining, she's also dragging her two kids (my niece/nephew) down with her. She's shouldering my parents with guilt and worry. THAT is why I'm wondering... when do you speak up? When do you stick your nose into someone else's business? The kids don't deserve any of the crap that's happening to them, and my parents are just trying to keep the peace and won't say anything... What can I do? It's just so hard to watch.

 

[Poohlove]

I know you don't want to get into specifics and I don't want to pry but it is difficult to offer a suggestion without knowing the nature of the situation. If there is abuse and/or illegal activity I would handle that differently than I would spending habits.

 

[MrsDuck]

I know you don't want to get into specifics and I don't want to pry but it is difficult to offer a suggestion without knowing the nature of the situation. If there is abuse and/or illegal activity I would handle that differently than I would spending habits.

This. If it's spending habits, I wouldn't say a word. Anything else (illegal, dangerous, etc), I would.

I have a sibling who, for the last year, has been slowly ruining her own life. I don't want to go into the whole story, because it's way too long, but lets just be clear that a LOT of the things that happened were 100% preventable. She has also made multiple bad choices, and left my retired parents to clean up the me$$ for her. She ignores all polite suggestions, and gets mad if any negative things are pointed out.

Now, it's my sibling, and I can't tell her how to live her life. But it's not just her that she's ruining, she's also dragging her two kids (my niece/nephew) down with her. She's shouldering my parents with guilt and worry. THAT is why I'm wondering... when do you speak up? When do you stick your nose into someone else's business? The kids don't deserve any of the crap that's happening to them, and my parents are just trying to keep the peace and won't say anything... What can I do? It's just so hard to watch.

 

[Annadesu]

It's nothing illegal, lol. I guess the best way to sum it up is... "Beer budget with wine tastes". She (at one point) made almost 100,000 a year, but was bankrupt anyway. Lost that job, lost the other job she had right after it, and then went on vacation with her savings. She also got a car, and some other things like that. She refuses to give anything up (like cable TV, for example) so that she can save money. It's just... a mess. And it's never her fault, it's always someone else.

Again, I know it's not really good to get involved with this sort of thing, but I'm more worried for the kids than I am for her. She also keeps taking money from my retired, fixed income parents.

 

[hereyago]

It's nothing illegal, lol. I guess the best way to sum it up is... "Beer budget with wine tastes". She (at one point) made almost 100,000 a year, but was bankrupt anyway. Lost that job, lost the other job she had right after it, and then went on vacation with her savings. She also got a car, and some other things like that. She refuses to give anything up (like cable TV, for example) so that she can save money. It's just... a mess. And it's never her fault, it's always someone else.

Again, I know it's not really good to get involved with this sort of thing, but I'm more worried for the kids than I am for her. She also keeps taking money from my retired, fixed income parents.

Then your parents need to learn not to enable her.

 

[Poohlove]

I agree, your parents need to stop giving her money. As far as worrying about the kids, this could just as easily be an example of what not to do. If their basic needs are being met, and it sounds like they are, and they aren't in danger I would leave it be. If by now your sister hasn't learned how to manage her money responsibly and as long as your parents are enabling her she isn't going to learn. I would voice my concern to my parents in a calm, collected way and then leave it be. I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating but it isn't your money being spent or "loaned" so there isn't much you can say or do.

 

[xlxo]

@Annades: Any ideas why she lost those great paying jobs? Lack of interest?

Sounds like she has a huge problem with budgeting.

• Separate accounts is important.
• Hope your parents are doing a good job of tracking those donations.
• Hope your parents have wills... when they pass.... it will be ugly.

 

[Hikergirl]

You say you worry for the kids, are they not eating because she can't buy food, are they in danger of losing their home and becoming homeless? Maybe your parents keep giving her money for the kid's sake. You say she keeps taking money from your parents, but unless she is stealing it from them, they are giving it to her.
I'm a believer in staying out of other people's financial business, even family. Unless your parents are incapacitated and not able to make sound decisions on their own, this is an issue between them and your sister.

 

[Annadesu]

Yeah, the parents are just giving them money because it's the grandkids... and I have told them to stop doing it, but like myself, they don't want to see the kids suffer when they cut her off. Because they are very much on the edge of being food/homeless. More so if they get cut off, like you're all suggesting. Part of me wonders if we could prove in court that the grandparents should have custody. Sigh. Just wish I could do more, but talking to either side of the problem is the equivalent of talking to a doorknob.

Edit: The first job she quit for a bad reason, second job she was fired for poor behavior towards the others in the office.

 

[tcufrog]

WHat do your parents plan to do if they run out of money because of your sister?

 

[Annadesu]

Not sure, I'll have to ask them They can't live here, I don't have any extra rooms! lol

 

[sonnyjane]

You say you worry for the kids, are they not eating because she can't buy food, are they in danger of losing their home and becoming homeless? Maybe your parents keep giving her money for the kid's sake. You say she keeps taking money from your parents, but unless she is stealing it from them, they are giving it to her.
I'm a believer in staying out of other people's financial business, even family. Unless your parents are incapacitated and not able to make sound decisions on their own, this is an issue between them and your sister.

Yeah, the kids complicate things. My mom is an enabler. She complains about how she has to shell out x,y,z to my brother and sister, but they are all adults. It's my MOM'S fault that she's in the position she's in. She could easily cut them off but instead they have a codependent relationship. I'm not sure how I would handle the situation if there were kids involved. If your parents WANT custody of the kids, I would very honestly look into that. If they DO NOT want custody, then they kind of have to deal with the situation now, which is take care of everyone, including your sister, if they don't want the kids to be homeless.

ETA: In my family's case, as far as what do YOU do, you don't really do anything. You've told them how you feel about the situation and they know those feelings. That's that. With my mom, because I disapprove of what she's doing, she knows that she's not allowed to come to me for money or complain to me about the situation. If she ever calls and brings it up, I remind her of the agreement and change the subject. It's THEIR problem that my mom has chosen to take on for herself. I'm certainly not going to take it on for MYSELF!

 

[Aliceacc]

How old are the kids?

Tell grandma and grandpa to buy food, not donate money.

 

[PollyannaMom]

The fact that kids are involved absolutely makes it more complicated! We've had similar situations in our extended family, where the best thing to do for the adults would have been "tough love" - but it would not have been best for the kids, and the people making the decisions felt they had to choose the kids over the adults.

 

[lizabu]

I've had a similar situation with my sister. She doesn't have children so that complicates things. It's one thing to see a person messing up their own life. It's quite another to see them messing up their kids lives. I was helping my sister as much as my parents and it came to a point where she came to expect it as though the help was part of her income. My parents and I had a long talk and agreed that she would never learn to stand on her own two feet for as long as we were her safety net. It was hard but we agreed to stop giving her money. We would offer her sympathy and well wishes and compassion but no more cash. There was some anger from her but it didn't take her long to get it together. Now she pays all of her own bills and even routinely saves a little money every month. Tough love. I think in your case the kids ages are going to matter. Like if they are teens or Tweens you could let them know they are always welcome to pop in for a meal etc. If they are little there is always the option to drop off food and clothes for the kids rather than give her cash.

 

[ronandannette]

Yeah, the parents are just giving them money because it's the grandkids... and I have told them to stop doing it, but like myself, they don't want to see the kids suffer when they cut her off. Because they are very much on the edge of being food/homeless. More so if they get cut off, like you're all suggesting. Part of me wonders if we could prove in court that the grandparents should have custody. Sigh. Just wish I could do more, but talking to either side of the problem is the equivalent of talking to a doorknob.

Edit: The first job she quit for a bad reason, second job she was fired for poor behavior towards the others in the office.

Do you have any idea what kind of horrific abuse many kids suffer before the courts will ever intervene? A Mom who is flaky with money wouldn't even ping the radar. This is a non-starter. If you're that concerned though, perhaps think hard about offering to take the kids into your home (unofficially) if that would help ease some of the pressure. Your elderly parents wouldn't necessarily be the best ones to shoulder that responsibility.

...Like if they are teens or Tweens you could let them know they are always welcome to pop in for a meal etc. If they are little there is always the option to drop off food and clothes for the kids rather than give her cash.

Consider doing this if the welfare of the kids is really your first priority.

 

[Darcy03231]

We had a similar situation in our family and we stopped giving cash. Various family members would take the kids shopping to make sure that they had enough appropriate clothing for each season and we'd take turns buying enough basic food supplies to get them through the week. Sometimes when I made a casserole, I'd make two and send one over. It didn't take long for the family member to realize the gravy train was over and to learn to do a better job managing their money.

 

[Nancyg56]

We had a similar situation in our family and we stopped giving cash. Various family members would take the kids shopping to make sure that they had enough appropriate clothing for each season and we'd take turns buying enough basic food supplies to get them through the week. Sometimes when I made a casserole, I'd make two and send one over. It didn't take long for the family member to realize the gravy train was over and to learn to do a better job managing their money.

This is how I would handle it. You cannot stop Mom and Dad from enabling her spending habits, but you can ask them to change how they choose to assist the children.
I never give money when I think it will not be used in the manner that it was intended, so I buy things that are tangible. Food, clothing, school supplies, etc.

 

[Poohforyou]

I definitely agree with not giving cash but rather give groceries, buy the kids clothes, pay the utility bill, etc.

The conversation I'd have with my parents in this situation would be along the lines of what their plans are if they're short on funds.

Don't clog the courts with this situation unless there is actual abuse and neglect going on.

 

[princesspiglet]

Is your sister Tori Spelling? LOL This just reminds me so much of her story. Your mom needs to do what her mom does...pays for the kids schooling, clothing and food items only. That's the only way your sister is going to learn how to manage her money.