Is Marriage Obsolete? CBS report.

[OceanAnnie]

Deluded or not, most people enter marriage thinking they have found "the one." This hasn't changed with your generation. What has changed with your generation is that due to woman and men being more educated and being able to support themselves solo, they have the ability to not have to be pushed into a marital arrangement that is based on love AND financial necessity. Women especially no longer have to "put up" with a jerk because that's where he next meal is coming from as well as her insurance. She now has a choice. It doesn't seem that long ago but in the 60s, 70s, and much of the 80s, this was NOT the case for woman.

I believe there are many reasons for delayed marriages but, to me, the single biggest factor has been the economic equality of women (which is good). I don't think they feel marriage is obsolete. Most young women I know in the workplace are dying to meet Mr. Right, get married, have kids, etc., but they are in no hurry to just settle.

I agree. Some of the reasons for women delaying marriage are the same contributors to divorce. Ironic.

 

[Acklander]

I don't care how long you've been with someone, if you're not willing to marry them; then you're not willing to COMMIT to them--the door is always open for you. .

I disagree with this. Just because you don't want a piece of paper saying you're married, doesn't mean you're not committed to your partner. Yes, the door is always open for you - yet you stay. To me, that's a sign of a bigger commitment. You're there because you want to be there, not because a piece of paper says you have to be there.

 

[GeorgeG]

As long as young bridezillas demand expensive weddings marriage will not become obsolete.

Hopefully, as others have mentioned, young people are making wiser decisions about marriage. I've known too many young brides who went through with a wedding only because they had "already invested too much time in the relationship." I'm talking about 3-4 years out of a lifetime!

I do think marriage, in general, has suffered over the last 40-50 years with more and more women becoming more independent and having their own careers. The concept, however old-fashioned, of getting married and staying home to be a housewife and raise a family is long gone. I'm not saying that's good or bad, but that's what I see.

I'm not sure men have ever fully understood the concept of marriage.

I don't think that marriage is as important as the personal relationship that two people develop over time.

 

[Daisy&Max]

I disagree with this. Just because you don't want a piece of paper saying you're married, doesn't mean you're not committed to your partner. Yes, the door is always open for you - yet you stay. To me, that's a sign of a bigger commitment. You're there because you want to be there, not because a piece of paper says you have to be there.

My other half and I have this conversation occasionally. I am completely committed to my other half but I don't feel the need to get a piece of paper and change my name to his to prove it. We've had this discussion and while he is the romantic one and would like to get married at some point, I don't see a point in it. He's been married before and I have kids from a previous relationship and since we don't plan on having children together, I just don't see any reason to get married.

To me marriage for SOME is obsolete. If you want to get married, just don't expect me to do it too.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I guess I am the odd man or woman out. I think marriage is wonderful, I personally would never live with a man, he wants me, then marry me. I will tell my DD the same. No way does he just get to play house, there has to be some responsibility. Just too easy to walk away. I have a feeling that DD will be the same way. She is a lot like me and I have a feeling that she will say if you want to play, then you will pay. Man I never realized that I am so old fashioned. I am darn glad I am.

And if by chance, my kids do live together, when they come to visit me, I will do like my mom. You aren't married, you aren't in the same bed.

I am the same way, and a lot of it is religious beliefs. I don't care what other people do, but this is what works for us. We did look into having Aaron move in with me since I own the house, but ultimately decided not to since it would be a roommate type situation. He is moving in in December due to his roommate moving out, but will be in a separate bedroom until the wedding. To me it seems kind of sad when people say that nothing really changed after the wedding. That it felt the same. I think a big part of it is that it is much more acceptable now to live together than it used to be, so people don't see the need to do it.

I think some of the other people hit the nail on the head about a woman not needing a man. I am the primary bread winner at this point. He will be on my insurance. The house is under my name. I am able to make all my payments on my own and have been doing so since I bought my house. Would it be nice to have another income? Absolutely. But it's not the reason I'm getting married. I'm ready to start a family.

 

[mhsjax]

I think marriage is a beautiful institution. To love someone enough that you are willing to vow to be one with them for the remainder of your life is powerful. I don't care how long you've been with someone, if you're not willing to marry them; then you're not willing to COMMIT to them--the door is always open for you. I don't think this is the direction our society should be heading towards. I think family unity is helpful in instilling morals and values into our children. Today, kids are out of control and desensitized.


Why do some women equate getting married with needing a man? I get so tired of hearing " I don't need a man to bring home the bacon" or "I don't want to give up my independence". Marriage does not mean you are desperate for a man to take care of you or that you have to become totally submissive to a man. I also hear people saying that they don't want to have to compromise or explain what they do with their money. If you are in a "healthy" relationship and trying to build something; married or not, you are going to have to compromise and manage money together.

Moving along, I also think a lot of folks don't get married as another endless ploy to get over. I know soooo many couples that have been together for many years and they will never get married. Why would they when the man's making big bucks but thanks to his girlfriend, they don't have the expenses of rent or groceries? If they get married, that would be too much money out of their own pockets. Then there's the ones that don't for tax purposes. If they both can claim head of household at different addresses and each claim a child, thats MORE money.

On the needing the man thing, I agree 100%. I know several women that ARE the major bread winners of the house. These women are extremely independent, Like I said they earn more than DH, they travel for work, they travel with friends, and so do their DH. These women are in no way dependent on their DH. But, they sure happen to love them.

 

[mhsjax]

There are so many reasons for divorce. Making sure you love the person is important, but many, many people felt they loved the person they married and still ultimately failed. I don't think it was because they entered marriage casually or didn't care as much as another generation.

I guess what I'm trying to say is even with the best of intentions (no matter what decade) and delaying marriage, there are no guarantees.

The problem with marrying for love is that so many people just don't get it. They think that over powering OMG if I don't see him or her I will die will lst forever, it doesn't. Sure you have to love the person you are marrying, but sometimes you may not even like the person you married for a few days. It happens, they do things that may get on your nerves. But that love that you felt in the beginning, if it is real, goes deep and changes. It becomes something very different and no it isn't seeing stars. But I tell you that even though sometimes DH drives me crazy and I can assure you that I do him. He is my best friend, I can tell him anything, and I would rather spend my time with him that anyone else. All this after 25 years of marriage.

 

[punkin]

I think things did change for me and DH after we "got that piece of paper". Living together was nothing like being married. I like being married much better.

 

[OceanAnnie]

The problem with marrying for love is that so many people just don't get it. They think that over powering OMG if I don't see him or her I will die will lst forever, it doesn't. Sure you have to love the person you are marrying, but sometimes you may not even like the person you married for a few days. It happens, they do things that may get on your nerves. But that love that you felt in the beginning, if it is real, goes deep and changes. It becomes something very different and no it isn't seeing stars. But I tell you that even though sometimes DH drives me crazy and I can assure you that I do him. He is my best friend, I can tell him anything, and I would rather spend my time with him that anyone else. All this after 25 years of marriage.

Oh, I agree with you. Marriage is work!! You have to communicate and be on the same page, not just in the beginning but throughout the marriage.

Love is what holds people together. You need a lot of it whether you are married or not, to stay together. There are challenges that can pull you apart without it. And all the delaying in the world won't change those challenges.

Marriage is a lot of things. One of which, I think is a leap of faith by both parties. I think marriage is the best "institution" in the world.

 

[mhsjax]

Oh, I agree with you. Marriage is work!! You have to communicate and be on the same page, not just in the beginning but throughout the marriage.

Love is what holds people together. You need a lot of it whether you are married (or not), to stay together. There are challenges that can pull you apart without it. And all the delaying in the world won't change those challenges.

Marriage is a lot of things. One of which, I think is a leap of faith by both parties. I think marriage is the best "institution" in the world.

I thought about my post when I wrote it and quoted you and I realzed that it probably sounded like a lecture to you and that is far from what I wanted, I saw that you brought up a point about love and I just ran with it. Sorry if you thought I was lecturing you about love.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I thought about my post when I wrote it and quoted you and I realzed that it probably sounded like a lecture to you and that is far from what I wanted, I saw that you brought up a point about love and I just ran with it. Sorry if you thought I was lecturing you about love.

No. Not at all. I was just agreeing with you.

Everything's good.

 

[mhsjax]

No. Not at all. I was just agreeing with you.

Everything's good.

Thanks

 

[NMAmy]

She is a lot like me and I have a feeling that she will say if you want to play, then you will pay. Man I never realized that I am so old fashioned. I am darn glad I am.

I'm sure you didn't mean it but your statement above sure sounds like the husband purchases a spouse. I don't look at marriage as a payment from either the husband or the wife.

My mom is 78 and she's one to encourage couples to live together before marriage. She kind of traumatized dd last year when she told her she hoped she knew she shouldn't get married young just to have sex.

I'll be 26 and my fiancé will be 27 when we get married next year. I had lots of friends get married right out of college at 22 and 23. Personally, I had no desire to get married at that age, .

I wish you the very best but I have to say, as someone who is almost twice your age, there really is not a nickel's worth of difference between the ages of 23 and 26.

 

[Robinrs]

I wish you the very best but I have to say, as someone who is almost twice your age, there really is not a nickel's worth of difference between the ages of 23 and 26.

I was thinking the same thing!! BUT when I was 26 I thought there was a difference.

Now I see ages in decades, 20s, 30s 40s etc. You come into the decade a different person than you leave it, but it usually takes that long to get there.

 

[mhsjax]

I'm sure you didn't mean it but your statement above sure sounds like the husband purchases a spouse. I don't look at marriage as a payment from either the husband or the wife.

My mom is 78 and she's one to encourage couples to live together before marriage. She kind of traumatized dd last year when she told her she hoped she knew she shouldn't get married young just to have sex.



I wish you the very best but I have to say, as someone who is almost twice your age, there really is not a nickel's worth of difference between the ages of 23 and 26.

Yep he does pay, with rights to Life insurance, rights to his retirement, my right to child support and my right to alimony should he decide to leave. Now all that being said, it won't happen, we have said all along that even id we hate each other that we would co exist for the kids.

And sorry, but I will NEVER encourage a live together before marriage. Ain't happening in my world, what others do is fine, but no in my house. And again, if DD or DS choose to live with someone, don't expect me to treat it like a marriage when they visit, Separate rooms will be the rule. DH feels the same way, so I guess he is ok with his purchase. lol

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm sure you didn't mean it but your statement above sure sounds like the husband purchases a spouse. I don't look at marriage as a payment from either the husband or the wife.

My mom is 78 and she's one to encourage couples to live together before marriage. She kind of traumatized dd last year when she told her she hoped she knew she shouldn't get married young just to have sex.

When DH and I were dating and in college we had planned to go camping over spring break--but his parents were not thrilled with the idea. So, we drove down to visit my grandmother instead (Which my future in laws were FINE with--my sweet 75 year old grandma would be a good chaperon, or so they assumed--as did DH and I actually). We got there and were a bit stunned to be shown to our room I guess we looked surprised because my grandmother stopped and asked if there was a problem and apologized for the bed being too short for DH).

I wish you the very best but I have to say, as someone who is almost twice your age, there really is not a nickel's worth of difference between the ages of 23 and 26.

I am somehwere in between you and the person you quoted agewise. I can see her point. There is a lot of life experience that is different between having only been mostly a student and having been out of school for 3-4 years and working full time, living in "real" (not student) housing, etc.

 

[Acklander]

Yep he does pay, with rights to Life insurance, rights to his retirement, my right to child support and my right to alimony should he decide to leave. Now all that being said, it won't happen, we have said all along that even id we hate each other that we would co exist for the kids.

If this is your standard, I guess you can put me in the catagory of not taking my marriage vows seriously or not willing to stick it out (and I've been married for 24 years). I wouldn't stay in a marriage where I hated someone and I wouldn't want to be in a marriage with someone who hated me. I couldn't imagine just co-existing with someone just for the kids. I deserve more.

 

[palavra]

I still believe in marriage as a committment before God. Whether or not I had a paper saying that I was legally married, I would still want to take vows before God.

 

[NMAmy]

I was thinking the same thing!! BUT when I was 26 I thought there was a difference.

Now I see ages in decades, 20s, 30s 40s etc. You come into the decade a different person than you leave it, but it usually takes that long to get there.

I totally agree. And, yes, I remember thinking there was a big difference at 26. Once those years start flying by--three years seems like nothing.

Yep he does pay, with rights to Life insurance, rights to his retirement, my right to child support and my right to alimony should he decide to leave. Now all that being said, it won't happen, we have said all along that even id we hate each other that we would co exist for the kids.

A spouse is not automatically entitled to life insurance but must be listed as the beneficiary. Alimony is pretty rare depending on what state you're in and child support goes both ways. If a couple has joint custody and their salaries are pretty similar, it's not much. If the husband got full custody, the wife would have to pay him child support. These things have changed because women are better able to support themselves--the same reason some women don't choose to marry.

And sorry, but I will NEVER encourage a live together before marriage. Ain't happening in my world, what others do is fine, but no in my house. And again, if DD or DS choose to live with someone, don't expect me to treat it like a marriage when they visit, Separate rooms will be the rule. DH feels the same way, so I guess he is ok with his purchase. lol

No need to be sorry and I'm not going to try to change your mind on something you believe in so strongly. Whatever works for you and yours is great.

When DH and I were dating and in college we had planned to go camping over spring break--but his parents were not thrilled with the idea. So, we drove down to visit my grandmother instead (Which my future in laws were FINE with--my sweet 75 year old grandma would be a good chaperon, or so they assumed--as did DH and I actually). We got there and were a bit stunned to be shown to our room I guess we looked surprised because my grandmother stopped and asked if there was a problem and apologized for the bed being too short for DH).

I think the young 'uns often don't realize that Grandma was young once and went through the whole thing again with her own kids. In my family, it's hard to shock Grandma.

I am somehwere in between you and the person you quoted agewise. I can see her point. There is a lot of life experience that is different between having only been mostly a student and having been out of school for 3-4 years and working full time, living in "real" (not student) housing, etc.

Not everyone had that rarified experience, though. I moved out at 17 and worked my way through college with a full-time job and my own apartment with it's own set of bills. I wasn't that different at 22 then I was at 26. Heck, at 22, I was living in Germany--thousands of miles and a big old ocean away from any family support. I know you know what that's like.

 

[mhsjax]

If this is your standard, I guess you can put me in the catagory of not taking my marriage vows seriously or not willing to stick it out (and I've been married for 24 years). I wouldn't stay in a marriage where I hated someone and I wouldn't want to be in a marriage with someone who hated me. I couldn't imagine just co-existing with someone just for the kids. I deserve more.

Well this is MY standard for out kids and his too. We get along better than most. Married 25 years and really only about 2 serious fights, disagreements yes but fights no. My kids come home and tell me about people they know getting divorced and look at us and tell us that no matter what happens they want us to stay together. Now, there is NO and hear me VERY clear, this is NO man that I want more than DH. We have never been happier, and we spend almost every day together. he works out of the house. I don't know why you assume to know about my relationship with him, I find in very insulting.

Sorry, but my DH has spent year watching people he works with moan and grown about actually having to spend time with their kids. YOu know poor guy, it is his week for the kids. Poor father had to give up his play and drinking games to actually spend time with them and what in inconvenience it is. As we had this discussion he told me that there wasn't ANYTHING, that I could do to make him miss our kids growing up.

As far as deserving more, in my case it is DH that deserves more. He is a gem and there is no one out their better IMHO.

The end.