Is Marriage Obsolete? CBS report.

[Tiger926]

I don't think it will become obsolete...that would mean that pretty much no one got married anymore, and I can't see that happening at all, especially from a religious standpoint.

I think the divorce rate is so high, because people make the wrong choice ina mate, or, get married for the wrong reasons. Many people are very self-absorbed and have a high sense of entitlement, so they sometimes get married because they feel like it, or, because it feels good at that moment. Marriage takes work, sacrifice, and the ability to have foresight into the future - I see a lot of these elements missing from young 20 somethings these days. So, not only are they choosing the wrong mates, they also know it's easy to get divorced, and when that is always an option, there is less motivation to work at marriage, IMHO.

Tiger

 

[punkin]

actually, hasn't the divorce rate been going down recently?

I think it's a good thing that people who don't want to get married no longer feel pressured to do so. However, the majority of people still want to get married and raise families. I don't think that's going to change anytime soon.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My grandfather never married his "wife" (despite telling us they were married out of state). Had they legally married, each would have lost the pension from their deceased spouse, and that was the bulk of their retirement money.

That is also still very common in the elderly, who will lose important benefits if they remarry (perhaps less so now that there aren't so many pensions)

My grandmother is not married to her boyfriend for this very reason. They have been living together for 11 years.

I agree with some that overall this is a good trend in that it comes from women being able to take care of themselves (and me to take care of a home) and it essentially makes LOVE the reason to get married (as a pp said).

Honestly, if i was as involved and aware at 23 as i am now I would likely have refused to get married until that right was granted to all in our nation (and then caved and done it anyway when H got offered a job abroad as that piece of paper is necessary for my visa--but lacking that I would have dealt with the tax repercussions on our own soil).

I really hope my children find someone they truly love (who loves them back) some day when they are grown--but I could care less if they marry that person or not.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

I must be living in a demographic bubble. Virtually everyone I know at work over the age of 30 is married. I can't think of any adults in our neighborhood that isn't married.

I've been married for 17 years and it was the best decision I ever made. It's been a wonderful 17 years. Besides, if I was single, my taxes would be outrageous. Even more outrageous than they are now.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

To me, marriage is a very important legal institution. I love my DH and wouldn't leave him, but I felt that way about him for the nearly 5 years we lived together before we were married. A piece of paper is not what's going to bind me to him, or vice versa. However, in the event we no longer feel the compulsion to be "bound" it will make us split our assets relatively fairly and require us to provide for the children we conceived in wedlock until they come of age.

Another way of looking at it is that there are a lot of couples out there who are in love and committed to one another who cannot benefit from each other's health insurance, easily adopt children, or visit each other in the hospital during an emergency because legally these rights are reserved to those who can be married.

 

[Robinrs]

I must be living in a demographic bubble. Virtually everyone I know at work over the age of 30 is married. I can't think of any adults in our neighborhood that isn't married.

I guess it does depend on your "bubble". I work with about 30 people and only 2 of them are married. Also only 3 have kids.

I also believe the reasons for marrying has changed over the generations. My parents were married for 60 years, my oldest sister for 47. The younger generations in my family are in and out of marriages like it's a joke. My nephew is going on his FOURTH marriage, my niece is on her third.

Lots of people I know enter the institution already ready to get out. Why bother if you're not ready to commit. My Mom told me she stayed for one reason... "tolerance".. I'm not a very "tolerant" person!

 

[Pigeon]

Besides, if I was single, my taxes would be outrageous. Even more outrageous than they are now.

If you make approximately the same salary as your spouse, it can cost you a fair amount in taxes to be married and filing jointly. We certainly pay more than we would if we were single.

I don't see this trend as a good or bad thing. I'm glad people don't feel obligated to get married if they don't want to, but we've been very happily married for 30 years and for us it's great.

 

[bumbershoot]

1...and Not For Same Reasons as Ozzie and Harriet

2The median age of when one first gets married is at its highest point ever. For women, it's 26.1 years of age, and for men, it's 28.2.


3Young people are marrying less often, in part, because they're taking marriage more seriously after watching their own parents divorce or separate from one another.

1 Not for the same reasons...not b/c they were made to marry or they couldn't leave the house? Not because they wanted to "be" together and couldn't do so otherwise? Not for the reasons that my mom and dad married at 17 and 19?

Well GOOD!

(and then my mom and second stepdad married almost instantly for the same reason that she'd gotten married at 17, only with religious reasons this time...and then stepdad married his current wife (not 3 years after my mom died) a MONTH after proposing, and he proposed after TWO dates (he did know her from church from my mom's funeral on). So that reasoning isn't gone, but wowie do I think it's a horrible reason to get married!)

2 I thought that would be a good thing? To marry once you're a bit older? I know that the being that was Molly at 23 was vastly different from Molly at 26, and especially so at 30. The choices I would have made at the age that many of my friends were marrying would have been the worst decisions (and often were). (and now 2/3 of my friends who married then are divorcing)

3 I never made a *choice* to marry late (met DH just before I turned 31, married at late 33), but I knew I was going to take it seriously! I knew not to use chemistry as a decision-factor (at least not a major one) b/c I had seen the downfall of that, I knew my philosophies of life and that I didn't want to have to argue about Important things my whole life especially in the realm of child-bearing and -rearing, etc etc. I was a more whole person when I finally met a good and decent person.

My husband came from a relationship that should never have begun, let alone lasted almost 50 years (when FIL died). He and his sibs *begged* his mother to leave their father for years. She never would. So he too knew that he wanted to meet someone right for him, and not marry for the reasons his parents had married (chemistry & pregnancy) or for the reason he had married for under a year while in his 20s (again, chemistry). The decisions he made in his early 20s were vastly different than when he was 28 and we met.

So I think that's a good thing, to take it *seriously*.

ITA, and I believe the divorce rate is so high compared to the past because its acceptable to be divorced. There was a time when it wasn't so people would stay married, whether for religious or societal reasons. Even in the 70s a divorced woman was looked down upon, that isn't the case anymore.

And thank goodness it's not so looked down on! My mom divorced my dad when she was 29, so they were married fro 12 years, maybe half of them happy (the other half she feared him). And people were so nasty to her. It was so hard being a child of divorce in the '70s. My teachers NEVER figured out what my mom's last name was after her second marriage (when I was around 9), because it just wasn't a priority for them, and because there were no other kids of divorce in my small school (not until I was in 5th grade). That got really old, really fast.

I'm glad people don't look down on divorced people as much as they used to. Sure, there are people who don't take things seriously and divorce too soon, but there are also people for whom it is a heart-wrenching, horrible awful devastating decision to make (or be made for them, like when my first stepdad left us), and it's worse when people are being nasty to you on top of it all.

I must be living in a demographic bubble. Virtually everyone I know at work over the age of 30 is married. I can't think of any adults in our neighborhood that isn't married.

Most of the people I know over 30 are either married or WERE married. Probably more of the latter, as those who married in their baby-20s are realizing that they seem to have made a mistake. And since all it takes is one person in the marriage to have that thought...

 

[OceanAnnie]

1 Not for the same reasons...not b/c they were made to marry or they couldn't leave the house? Not because they wanted to "be" together and couldn't do so otherwise? Not for the reasons that my mom and dad married at 17 and 19?

Well GOOD!

(and then my mom and second stepdad married almost instantly for the same reason that she'd gotten married at 17, only with religious reasons this time...and then stepdad married his current wife (not 3 years after my mom died) a MONTH after proposing, and he proposed after TWO dates (he did know her from church from my mom's funeral on). So that reasoning isn't gone, but wowie do I think it's a horrible reason to get married!)

2 I thought that would be a good thing? To marry once you're a bit older? I know that the being that was Molly at 23 was vastly different from Molly at 26, and especially so at 30. The choices I would have made at the age that many of my friends were marrying would have been the worst decisions (and often were). (and now 2/3 of my friends who married then are divorcing)

3 I never made a *choice* to marry late (met DH just before I turned 31, married at late 33), but I knew I was going to take it seriously! I knew not to use chemistry as a decision-factor (at least not a major one) b/c I had seen the downfall of that, I knew my philosophies of life and that I didn't want to have to argue about Important things my whole life especially in the realm of child-bearing and -rearing, etc etc. I was a more whole person when I finally met a good and decent person.

My husband came from a relationship that should never have begun, let alone lasted almost 50 years (when FIL died). He and his sibs *begged* his mother to leave their father for years. She never would. So he too knew that he wanted to meet someone right for him, and not marry for the reasons his parents had married (chemistry & pregnancy) or for the reason he had married for under a year while in his 20s (again, chemistry). The decisions he made in his early 20s were vastly different than when he was 28 and we met.

So I think that's a good thing, to take it *seriously*..

Just to be clear, those points were made in the article I posted, not points made by me.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I saw this article and I don't think it will ever be obsolete. I do think American's are terribly egocentric so we tend to look at changes in OUR society as a whole and think #1, it filters into all cultures within the US and #2, it applies to the rest of the world. I think there are plenty of pockets where divorce is rare.


Personally, I have no issue with divorce or marriage or anything in between. I'm personally traditional engaged at 20, married at 23 and now married 17 years this past week, buy still open to whatever other people are into. Heaven knows I would have been light years better off if my parents had divorced, talk about a defective family tree

One thing that we don't know about yet occurred to me yesterday, I read the article in the am and by chance was listening to my current book on CD, "Tuesdays with Morrie" in the afternoon. In the book/cd the subject of children/family comes up and the author recounts Morrie's musings on the subject. The gist of it was how lonely life would end up without people committed to your well being surrounding one in old age when sickness strikes, DISCLAIMER: Morie's opinion not necessarily mine. This got me to wondering how all the folks with multiple families and multiple alliances will end up when they are too old to be independent and need help. Which family will stand by them? Of course, biology doesn't necessarily mean devotion but wouldn't the more complicated situations POTENTIALLY reduce feelings of obligation? I don't have any idea if any of this really will matter because the folks who were on the first wave of high divorce rates aren't elderly yet but it is a bit of a social experiment isn't it? I don't know what will be but the book I'm listening to did get me to wondering.

 

[mhsjax]

I guess I am the odd man or woman out. I think marriage is wonderful, I personally would never live with a man, he wants me, then marry me. I will tell my DD the same. No way does he just get to play house, there has to be some responsibility. Just too easy to walk away. I have a feeling that DD will be the same way. She is a lot like me and I have a feeling that she will say if you want to play, then you will pay. Man I never realized that I am so old fashioned. I am darn glad I am.

And if by chance, my kids do live together, when they come to visit me, I will do like my mom. You aren't married, you aren't in the same bed.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I still believe in it.

And while divorce rates are at a terrible level...other folks must still believe in it as well since folks still get married. It is unfortunate though that folks don't concentrate on a marriage....but folks still do get married. If all they wanted was a party, they could have thrown one without the vows. So it still must mean something in our society. I think that many just have a different idea of what marriage means.

And just because folks divorce--it doesn't mean that both parties wanted to.

Take Elizabeth Gilbert--she's banking big bucks on her book and movie b/c she (IMHO) was a mopey whiney professional who didn't want to work on her marriage despite her husband wanting to. While we don't have HIS side of the story, it was clear in her book that she was unwilling to work on it at all. She also never intended to remarry, but did so anyway. If I am not mistaken, she was fine spending the rest of her life with the guy...but only did so, I think do to an immigration thing. So if she didn't believe in it, she could have simply moved back to Indonesia I suppose. But--the point of bringing her up? Her first husband wanted to work on the marriage. I still can't figure out what the problem was and I think the whole thing for her was, she couldn't figure it out either.

Marriage isn't obsolete--but the conceof "working on it" seems to be.
(I'm not speaking of those marriages involving abuse or adultery or lying. And Ms. Gilbert admitted that there wasn't anything wrong with her husband. She was in a funk, but a divorce and a major book advance seemed to help improve her mood.)

 

[HeyMickeyUSoFine]

I guess I am the odd man or woman out. I think marriage is wonderful, I personally would never live with a man, he wants me, then marry me. I will tell my DD the same. No way does he just get to play house, there has to be some responsibility. Just too easy to walk away. I have a feeling that DD will be the same way. She is a lot like me and I have a feeling that she will say if you want to play, then you will pay. Man I never realized that I am so old fashioned. I am darn glad I am.

And if by chance, my kids do live together, when they come to visit me, I will do like my mom. You aren't married, you aren't in the same bed.

I think marriage is a beautiful institution. To love someone enough that you are willing to vow to be one with them for the remainder of your life is powerful. I don't care how long you've been with someone, if you're not willing to marry them; then you're not willing to COMMIT to them--the door is always open for you. I don't think this is the direction our society should be heading towards. I think family unity is helpful in instilling morals and values into our children. Today, kids are out of control and desensitized.


Why do some women equate getting married with needing a man? I get so tired of hearing " I don't need a man to bring home the bacon" or "I don't want to give up my independence". Marriage does not mean you are desperate for a man to take care of you or that you have to become totally submissive to a man. I also hear people saying that they don't want to have to compromise or explain what they do with their money. If you are in a "healthy" relationship and trying to build something; married or not, you are going to have to compromise and manage money together.

Moving along, I also think a lot of folks don't get married as another endless ploy to get over. I know soooo many couples that have been together for many years and they will never get married. Why would they when the man's making big bucks but thanks to his girlfriend, they don't have the expenses of rent or groceries? If they get married, that would be too much money out of their own pockets. Then there's the ones that don't for tax purposes. If they both can claim head of household at different addresses and each claim a child, thats MORE money.

 

[marie1203]

Why do some women equate getting married with needing a man? I get so tired of hearing " I don't need a man to bring home the bacon" or "I don't want to give up my independence". Marriage does not mean you are desperate for a man to take care of you or that you have to become totally submissive to a man. I also hear people saying that they don't want to have to compromise or explain what they do with their money. If you are in a "healthy" relationship and trying to build something; married or not, you are going to have to compromise and manage money together.

I have seen so many of my friends ready for the wedding but not for the marriage. Also having this idea that a marriage should be perfect with no arguments or disagreements ever. I think most of my generation are so use to shortcuts and having things handed to them so when marriage gets though or they have to put some work they want out.

 

[cm8]

I guess I am the odd man or woman out. I think marriage is wonderful, I personally would never live with a man, he wants me, then marry me. I will tell my DD the same. No way does he just get to play house, there has to be some responsibility. Just too easy to walk away. I have a feeling that DD will be the same way. She is a lot like me and I have a feeling that she will say if you want to play, then you will pay. Man I never realized that I am so old fashioned. I am darn glad I am.

And if by chance, my kids do live together, when they come to visit me, I will do like my mom. You aren't married, you aren't in the same bed.

I know that's right! My grandmother would say"there will be no shacking up in my house" she meant it too.

 

[onelilspark]

I'll be 26 and my fiancé will be 27 when we get married next year. I had lots of friends get married right out of college at 22 and 23. Personally, I had no desire to get married at that age, I wasn't ready. For me, I needed to be certain that I could be out there, on my own, supporting myself, being happy without someone. Right now? I'm ready. I've lived on my own and if (God forbid) anything happen to my fiancé, I know I'll be just fine on my own. That was important to me.

It doesn't mean that I think marriage is obsolete. Just that I think marrying "young" wasn't for me. And that's okay.

I watch all the wedding shows on TLC and a few months ago they started "Say Yes to the Dress-Atlanta." What I found interesting (just based on my observation) is that on average, the Atlanta brides were younger than the ones in New York. Most of them were between 19-22. There was one bride on the Atlanta show that was 26, and her Mom was disapproving dresses and told her "well, you're not some 22 year old bride." Wow. Where I think in NY the brides seem to be more around the 25-27 age range (again, just observation.) I think there's a difference in a cultural stand point based on where you are in the country. ...for the record, my friends getting married at 22 and 23? All from the mid-west. Very few of my good friends from HS are married yet (though 2 of us are engaged!)

ETA: My fiancé and I live together and have been for over a year. For us, it was a practical decision. He was looking to buy a place, I already own mine, and we knew that we were heading towards marriage. Why would we want the headache of paying two mortgages and then having to sell one in a few years? Personally, I think it was a good decision. We know each others bad little habits and we still want each other. We also had a conversation when he moved in and I let him know under no uncertain terms that I would not let him place house for years on end, I respect myself too much for that.

 

[metalis4ever]

As it should be. I think this report actually points to a positive trend, where people marry only because they are so in love with a person that they feel the need to be contractually tied to them for the rest of their lives.

This is spot on!!! As the survey shows My Generation and the Generations after me have experienced high divorce rates among our parents for various reasons so "we" want to make sure that we Love the person we are going to Marry, but first and foremost ensure that we are in a position in life to take on the responsability of Marriage. In other words have a career path, know and understand ones own needs, goals and desires. Most importantly live with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with before you make the commitment as my FIL told me when I asked for permission for his Daughter's hand in marriage "make sure you take the car out for a test drive, you don't want to be stuck with a lemon and find yourself searching for something sweeter" Which is definitely advice that I plan on passing along to my children, absolutely brilliant


In my experience Family Traditions or Religious affiliation have nothing to do with Marriage, it's all about LOVE and Respect. My DW and I have been together for nearly 8 years (3 yrs Married) and we have seen each other every single day but for 3 and we are inseperable becasue the only things that bind us are true unwavering Love and Respect....and maybe Disney .


Marriage is not Obsolete just the Traditions that encouraged young Marriages have been cast aside for Careers and as is sung in Enchanted "A True Love's Kiss" which by default results in Marrying older......but that is just my humble opinion

 

[Colleen27]

This got me to wondering how all the folks with multiple families and multiple alliances will end up when they are too old to be independent and need help. Which family will stand by them? Of course, biology doesn't necessarily mean devotion but wouldn't the more complicated situations POTENTIALLY reduce feelings of obligation? I don't have any idea if any of this really will matter because the folks who were on the first wave of high divorce rates aren't elderly yet but it is a bit of a social experiment isn't it? I don't know what will be but the book I'm listening to did get me to wondering.

I don't think there will be a definite trend in one direction or the other when it comes to eldercare for divorced relations, because for the most part those decisions aren't about the person in need of care. They're about the attitudes, priorities, and abilities of the person or people who would be providing it. The same generation that was the first to have sky-high divorce rates is the generation that has driven the demand for nursing homes through the roof, and I do think the two are somewhat connected in terms of general overall attitudes towards the unpleasant parts of life (as a generality, not in all specific cases; just as there are marriages where divorce is the best answer there are situations where nursing home care is the best solution).

 

[OceanAnnie]

This is spot on!!! As the survey shows My Generation and the Generations after me have experienced high divorce rates among our parents for various reasons so "we" want to make sure that we Love the person we are going to Marry, but first and foremost ensure that we are in a position in life to take on the responsability of Marriage. In other words have a career path, know and understand ones own needs, goals and desires. Most importantly live with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with before you make the commitment as my FIL told me when I asked for permission for his Daughter's hand in marriage "make sure you take the car out for a test drive, you don't want to be stuck with a lemon and find yourself searching for something sweeter" Which is definitely advice that I plan on passing along to my children, absolutely brilliant


In my experience Family Traditions or Religious affiliation have nothing to do with Marriage, it's all about LOVE and Respect. My DW and I have been together for nearly 8 years (3 yrs Married) and we have seen each other every single day but for 3 and we are inseperable becasue the only things that bind us are true unwavering Love and Respect....and maybe Disney .


Marriage is not Obsolete just the Traditions that encouraged young Marriages have been cast aside for Careers and as is sung in Enchanted "A True Love's Kiss" which by default results in Marrying older......but that is just my humble opinion

There are so many reasons for divorce. Making sure you love the person is important, but many, many people felt they loved the person they married and still ultimately failed. I don't think it was because they entered marriage casually or didn't care as much as another generation.

I guess what I'm trying to say is even with the best of intentions (no matter what decade) and delaying marriage, there are no guarantees.

 

[Christine]

This is spot on!!! As the survey shows My Generation and the Generations after me have experienced high divorce rates among our parents for various reasons so "we" want to make sure that we Love the person we are going to Marry, but first and foremost ensure that we are in a position in life to take on the responsability of Marriage. In other words have a career path, know and understand ones own needs, goals and desires. Most importantly live with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with before you make the commitment as my FIL told me when I asked for permission for his Daughter's hand in marriage "make sure you take the car out for a test drive, you don't want to be stuck with a lemon and find yourself searching for something sweeter" Which is definitely advice that I plan on passing along to my children, absolutely brilliant

Deluded or not, most people enter marriage thinking they have found "the one." This hasn't changed with your generation. What has changed with your generation is that due to woman and men being more educated and being able to support themselves solo, they have the ability to not have to be pushed into a marital arrangement that is based on love AND financial necessity. Women especially no longer have to "put up" with a jerk because that's where he next meal is coming from as well as her insurance. She now has a choice. It doesn't seem that long ago but in the 60s, 70s, and much of the 80s, this was NOT the case for woman.

I believe there are many reasons for delayed marriages but, to me, the single biggest factor has been the economic equality of women (which is good). I don't think they feel marriage is obsolete. Most young women I know in the workplace are dying to meet Mr. Right, get married, have kids, etc., but they are in no hurry to just settle.