Is it too easy to get divorced?

[happybratpack]

NO.

It is WAY to easy to get married. Any ol' fool can rush into it.

Getting divorce is messy,complicated, expensive and very difficult.

ITA. Getting married is a breeze and a divorce is a total nightmare. (and I didn't even have a hostile one)

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

Wanted to add one other thought about division of property, child custody, alimony and child support:

Lacking a legal justification for the divorce, the person seeking the divorce should get nothing. No property, lose custody, have to pay alimony, have to pay child support.

If legal justification exists, the person legally at fault (person who broke the vows or was abusive) should get nothing.

There should be real consequences for divorce, and they should be laid at the feet of the offender, not equally split. Want to leave your husband/wife? He/she gets the kids and the house, both cars, the bank accounts and the 401ks. You can start over if you want, but he/she doesn't have to.

That is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! Seriously! So its not enough you can't manipulate your spouse into staying in an unhappy marriage using emotional blackmail, now you want to use financial blackmail to hold an unwilling partner hostage? What kind of person would want to do this?

Either partner should be able to walk away at any time, with an equitable share of the assets for any reason.

Many times there is no "offender". Many, if not most, times both partners are equally to blame. Often one partner's coldness and discomfort with intamacy will drive the other partner to seek companionship elsewhere.

There is no black and white, only one hundred shades of grey.

Thank God the law is no where near as vindictive as you are.

 

[Mermaid02]

We all need to remember too, that every situation is different. There is no blanket answer or remedy. Divorce is a painful thing for everyone involved, and usually more painful for one spouse than the other. Those of us who have been through it wouldn't wish it on anyone (including ourselves). Those who haven't...well you have no business commenting on the subject. Period.

There I said it.

This is total bull.

I've never been on death row, but I have an opinion about the death penalty.

 

[tasha99]

Wanted to add one other thought about division of property, child custody, alimony and child support:

Lacking a legal justification for the divorce, the person seeking the divorce should get nothing. No property, lose custody, have to pay alimony, have to pay child support.

If legal justification exists, the person legally at fault (person who broke the vows or was abusive) should get nothing.

There should be real consequences for divorce, and they should be laid at the feet of the offender, not equally split. Want to leave your husband/wife? He/she gets the kids and the house, both cars, the bank accounts and the 401ks. You can start over if you want, but he/she doesn't have to.

How can you name who the offender is, though? Do you really think that the guy whose wife leaves him was always some poor victim of a woman who got bored (or vice versa)? Relationships are transactional in nature, and what one person does is a result of their own values and personality, and also what the other person does (in combination--some people have a good energy together, others don't.) If someone is making their partner miserable, how is it completely the fault of the person who wants out? Making it the total responsibility of the person who wants to leave just puts all the burden on one partner, when it takes two to create at least most marital problems.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Either partner should be able to walk away at any time, with an equitable share of the assets for any reason. ...

...Thank God the law is no where near as vindictive as you are.

Actually, every other contract is protected from this type of behavior except for a marriage. If two people enter into a business partnership and one decides to split, they are not allowed to just take their half of the business and leave, destroying the other person's finances along with their own. We only allow this in marriages, and it is wrong.

If a marriage is no more than a contract between two people that can be ended by either at any time, there should be financial protections built into the contract to protect one from the other. You want to leave, fine, but this is what it will cost you. Why should the partner have to pay for your decisions?

As for me being vindictive, I am the farthest from it. There is no need to get personal.

 

[krcit]

That is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! Seriously! So its not enough you can't manipulate your spouse into staying in an unhappy marriage using emotional blackmail, now you want to use financial blackmail to hold an unwilling partner hostage? What kind of person would want to do this?

Either partner should be able to walk away at any time, with an equitable share of the assets for any reason.

Many times there is no "offender". Many, if not most, times both partners are equally to blame. Often one partner's coldness and discomfort with intamacy will drive the other partner to seek companionship elsewhere.

There is no black and white, only one hundred shades of grey.

Thank God the law is no where near as vindictive as you are

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

How can you name who the offender is, though? Do you really think that the guy whose wife leaves him was always some poor victim of a woman who got bored (or vice versa)? Relationships are transactional in nature, and what one person does is a result of their own values and personality, and also what the other person does (in combination--some people have a good energy together, others don't.) If someone is making their partner miserable, how is it completely the fault of the person who wants out? Making it the total responsibility of the person who wants to leave just puts all the burden on one partner, when it takes two to create at least most marital problems.

If we can solve this for other contracts, we can solve it for marriage contracts. Most couples split for cause. Document it as you do for your divorce. The only difference would be the way finances are split. The current model is outdated and needs to be reworked given the reality of our current society.

And, for those with no cause, you will get no sympathy from me. If you don't want to accept the consequences, don't sign the contract.

 

[brerrabbit]

Never been through a divorce and happily married for 28 years. Just because I ain't been through one don't mean I can't have an opinion about it. I think in many cases it is warrented. Two people who can't stand each other need to cut their loses and head oppisite directions. I do agree with earlier posters that say divorce is not easy, but marraige is. We live in a disposable world where you try things on to see how they fit and the first time some one says "that suit makes you look fat" they send it to Goodwill. Maybe if more time was spent up front figuring each other out and the cart (children) didn't get put before the horse (marraige) the outcome would be different.

I dated my wife for 5 years before we got married and we had ups and downs. We still had things to learn about each other after we got married but I was happy there were very few surprises for either of us. Based on that I think we have a strong relationship and I can honestly say she is my best friend. But think about it, you don't call someone a best friend untill you have known them for quite a while, share interests, share goals, and generally think about things in a similar way. Maybe more people should treat picking a spouse the same way.

 

[tasha99]

If we can solve this for other contracts, we can solve it for marriage contracts. Most couples split for cause. Document it as you do for your divorce. The only difference would be the way finances are split. The current model is outdated and needs to be reworked given the reality of our current society.

And, for those with no cause, you will get no sympathy from me. If you don't want to accept the consequences, don't sign the contract.

The cause I most often saw as a legal secretary was "irreconcilable differences." Whose fault is that? Also, most business partners can sell their interest in a company or be bought out. How is that going to happen with marriage. What if both people worked and put money into the home? Why should the one who wants to leave lose everything? Is it worse to want to cut and leave when things are really bad? What about the person who gets off on emotional abuse? Why should he or she get everything--what a reward for being a jerk all the time to your spouse!

I question whether marriage is even seen as a legal contract in the same way that other contracts are (agreement, consideration, etc.). That's why there is family court and contract law as two separate subjects. You used to be able to sue for "breach of promise" if someone promised to marry you but got cold feet, but that is no longer done.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

The cause I most often saw as a legal secretary was "irreconcilable differences." Whose fault is that?...

That is what needs to end - the point of the thread. If only one wants to walk, they pay. Why should both have to pay for a fickle person's whims?

I question whether marriage is even seen as a legal contract in the same way that other contracts are (agreement, consideration, etc.). That's why there is family court and contract law as two separate subjects. You used to be able to sue for "breach of promise" if someone promised to marry you but got cold feet, but that is no longer done.

No, there a civil suits every day over this stuff, just like other contracts. And people do sue for breach of promise every day. And the engagement ring is the girl's property if the guy breaks off the engagement.

This is workable, and (IMO) necessary. Just read this thread. Most who have posted really don't value marriage at all. They want to be able to leave at any time. We need to change the marriage contracts to adjust for that attitude. Either that or do away with marriages altogether.

 

[tasha99]

That is what needs to end - the point of the thread. If only one wants to walk, they pay. Why should both have to pay for a fickle person's whims?No, there a civil suits every day over this stuff, just like other contracts. And people do sue for breach of promise every day. And the engagement ring is the girl's property if the guy breaks off the engagement.

This is workable, and (IMO) necessary. Just read this thread. Most who have posted really don't value marriage at all. They want to be able to leave at any time. We need to change the marriage contracts to adjust for that attitude. Either that or do away with marriages altogether.

We're just going to have to agree to disagree, probably because of our past experiences. The person who leaves is not always fickle, really. My ex was oblivious to how miserable he was to be around, and I am glad every day that I took the kids and left. I used to cry every day and I rarely do anymore. I used to think about dying and what a relief it would be to get an illness so that I could get hospitalized. When I told him how unhappy I was, he said I should see a psychiatrist, which I did. We eventually ended up in counseling, and even my counselor said to get out. My kids thank me now and say that even though it's been hard being poor, I saved them (I was so depressed I had no idea what was going on in my own house, but I was depressed because my ex was clueless to how much his cruelty affected those around him). I broke the contract and my poor, poor husband got abandoned. Poor baby.

 

[krcit]

I don't find most people who have posted on here 'don't value marriage' In fact, don't dare to presume that I don't value marriage because I think that someone shouldn't stay in a happy one. You have no idea what goes on in other people's marriages or lives. None. It is so easy to sit upon your high horse if you are blessed with a happy marriage and say 'anyone who walks away from a marriage has no integrity.' It is also ridiculous. I have a friend who is married to an addict. She has tried for years to save her marriage and noone outside of her marriage except for me knows about her DH. They all think he's wonderful and I'm sure the tongues would be wagging when she finally is able to get out b/c she would NEVER tell anyone about him out of respect for her daughters. I know someone else whose spouse will not have sex with him. He has tried for years to make it work and he is about done. Again, noone will know the circumstances of that divorce either. I also have a friend who fell out of love for a number of reasons and tried therapy and counseling before throwing in the towel. Do you know how hard it was for her to get divorced? She is not evil or lacking integrity-she is brave and I support her. Both she and her DH deserve better than living a lie.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

... I broke the contract and my poor, poor husband got abandoned. Poor baby.

Actually, it sounds like he broke the contract. I would never have allowed that to end as "irreconcilable differences". Emotional abandonment and mental abuse are real problems and are recognized in divorce court.

Edited to add - Reading your post in the other thread - he definitley broke his vows.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I don't find most people who have posted on here 'don't value marriage' In fact, don't dare to presume that I don't value marriage because I think that someone shouldn't stay in a happy one. You have no idea what goes on in other people's marriages or lives. None. It is so easy to sit upon your high horse if you are blessed with a happy marriage and say 'anyone who walks away from a marriage has no integrity.' It is also ridiculous. I have a friend who is married to an addict. She has tried for years to save her marriage and noone outside of her marriage except for me knows about her DH. They all think he's wonderful and I'm sure the tongues would be wagging when she finally is able to get out b/c she would NEVER tell anyone about him out of respect for her daughters. I know someone else whose spouse will not have sex with him. He has tried for years to make it work and he is about done. Again, noone will know the circumstances of that divorce either. I also have a friend who fell out of love for a number of reasons and tried therapy and counseling before throwing in the towel. Do you know how hard it was for her to get divorced? She is not evil or lacking integrity-she is brave and I support her. Both she and her DH deserve better than living a lie.

If this is what you get out of my posts, you need to work on your reading comprehension skills. I don't use words like "everyone", but I do call for a rework of a broken system. And it is time to stop kidding ourselves. Marriage has been devalued. I am not sure how anyone could argue otherwise.

 

[Disney Doll]

I know when I was right in the middle of my divorce, I'd often tell people that it was fine, everything was okay, mainly because I didn't feel like going into all that crap 20 times a day. I wasn't obligated to share my pain with any casual acquaintance that happened to inquire. My guess is that if someone tells you "no big deal," it's because they just really don't want to discuss it with you and they'd like a break from thinking/talking/feeling about it. Sometimes it's hardest to keep control of your emotions when someone else is offering sympathy. Because I didn't want to burst into tears at work any more than I absolutely had to, I'd tell people that I wasn't comfortable talking about it but if I needed anything, I'd let them know.

There's almost a kind of looky-lou effect with divorce. Those who are married often want to know all the gorey details in an effort to kind of unconsciously say to themselves, "Well, THAT will never happen to us because our situation is totally different."

Well, all I can say is that the people I know must be academy award winning actors because they didn't look even remotely upset. I read people pretty well usually, being a nurse and all it's kind of my job to observe and assess and I generally don't see a lot of distress. Only one person I know currently who is divorcing is upset about it.

 

[Acklander]

Well, all I can say is that the people I know must be academy award winning actors because they didn't look even remotely upset. I read people pretty well usually, being a nurse and all it's kind of my job to observe and assess and I generally don't see a lot of distress. Only one person I know currently who is divorcing is upset about it.

Maybe because by the time they had actually gotten to the divorce part, they had already reached the acceptance part of the transition. The could be finished with the tears and anquish that goes with trying to save a dying marriage.
I've never met anyone who woke up one morning and said "Gee, I'm bored today, what should I do? Oh wait, I think I'[ll get divorced"

 

[Acklander]

If a marriage is no more than a contract between two people that can be ended by either at any time, there should be financial protections built into the contract to protect one from the other. You want to leave, fine, but this is what it will cost you. Why should the partner have to pay for your decisions?

There is financial protection built into it, where each person is to receive half of the marital assets. That sounds fair to me.
If you want it differently, then you should have a pre-nup before getting married, though good luck finding someone to sign a pre-nup stating that if they decide to leave the marriage they lose everything including the kids.

You can't force someone to love you, by holding contracts, bank accounts, and access to the children over their heads.

 

[krcit]

If this is what you get out of my posts, you need to work on your reading comprehension skills. I don't use words like "everyone", but I do call for a rework of a broken system. And it is time to stop kidding ourselves. Marriage has been devalued. I am not sure how anyone could argue otherwise.

My reading comprehension is just fine. I didn't write everyone, I said 'most people' just like you said 'most people who have posted on here do not value marriage.' I beg to differ with that. My point is that you(a collective you) have no idea why most people divorce. Nor is it anyone's business. Noone can devalue YOUR marriage so I guess I don't get what the problem is.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

There is financial protection built into it, where each person is to receive half of the marital assets. That sounds fair to me.
If you want it differently, then you should have a pre-nup before getting married, though good luck finding someone to sign a pre-nup stating that if they decide to leave the marriage they lose everything including the kids.

Exactly - only those serious about marriage would get married - my point exactly.

You can't force someone to love you, by holding contracts, bank accounts, and access to the children over their heads.

This isn't about love - it is about marriage and integrity.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...I guess I don't get what the problem is.

Am I not allowed to have an opinion?