Is it too easy to get divorced?

[Mermaid02]

Yesterday upon hearing of yet another couple of our age was divorcing my brother in law said, "Does everyone lose their mind after 40?" We started talking about all the folks who seem to be walking away to start over. Marriage isn't easy, and it isn't all roses and love notes. There are bills and chores and sometimes monotony. People just seem so quick to run to an attorney now. I'm sure some try, I'm sure some don't. I know a couple who is divorcing and it is tearing them both up- but I know another couple and the husband won't even THINK of couples counseling "how will counseling change the way I feel?"

The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence, the neighbors just have different crap for fertilizer.

 

[JenniBB]

I just think people give up too easily, and are crappy at communicating. I think that people expect their spouse to know exactly how they are feeling and what they want without speaking.
I had a friend who in Feb 2009 was lamenting about some jerky things her DH was saying to her and I suggested counseling and her reply was, "I don't even think I care anymore" but she would never even TALK to him about how his actions bothered her - so by the time she EXPLODED with complaints last October she was already mentally "gone" from the marriage and he was saying "HOLD ON! I'm willing to work on this - I never knew you felt that way, lets go talk to someone about this" - she refused counseling and moved out Valentine's weekend leaving him and their 2 children.

 

[NMAmy]

I think that most who have been through a divorce would agree that it's NOT easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't know anyone who did it on a whim.

It is pretty easy to look at a situation from the outside and decide that the people involved aren't doing what they should, though. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

 

[MIGrandma]

Yes, I do think it's too easy. I think couples (and individual too) counseling should be mandatory before a divorce is granted. At least some marriages might be saved that way, except for those who grind their heels in and won't open up to counseling.

Our DD and her DH were having problems and they did couples counseling and it helped them immensely. If you go with an open mind it can help.

So many people just throw up their hands and say "that's it, I want a divorce" without really even trying to save the marriage.

Marriage takes work, give and take, compromise, love, caring, concern, etc. and many people aren't willing to do what it takes to make it work. A divorce is just easier. Move on to the next. And some don't even learn from their first mistakes and just keep getting married and divorced. Those people obviously don't even take their marriage vows seriously. Sad.

 

[anniemae]

I also think people give up too easily, but divorce is not easy. I think people want that "feeling" of when you first fall in love.....the anticipation, the giddyness, the butterflies, the flip floppy feeling in your stomach. But, as others have said, that always fades and turns into something deeper, a true partnership. i think many folks stray to find that "feeling" again. I know many marriages end because one spouse finds someone else, I think in those cases the day to day grind of kids, mortages, bills, cleaning, cooking etc. seems boring and they are looking for excitment.

 

[Jennasis]

NO.

It is WAY to easy to get married. Any ol' fool can rush into it.

Getting divorce is messy,complicated, expensive and very difficult.

 

[Christine]

Yes, marriage is WAY to easy and divorce is WAY to hard (and expensive--why???).

Anyway, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who just throw in the towel at the least little thing. I actually think they are the minority because divorcing with children and assets involved is a bit harder than staying together I think.

And, no, at 40 people don't lose their minds, they get one! I am 46 years old and, at this point of my life, I've never been so sure of what I like and what I want out of life than I ever have been. I think people get in their 40s, they become secure in themselves, they often become reflective about half of their life being over and they start to reevaluate what their circumstances are. It could be that many of them have been unhappy for years with their marital situations but haven't had the means to divorce. Or the children have been too young at that point but now that they are older divorce feels more doable.

I honestly think that most people divorcing in their 40s after somewhat long marital arrangements know exactly what they are doing and are probably doing the right thing. It's those people that have been married 3 times by the time they are 30 that I wonder about.

 

[Gigi22]

Far too easy to get married. Think about how hard (or at least challenging) it is to get a driver's license. Then think about how easy it is to get a marriage license.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes, marriage is WAY to easy and divorce is WAY to hard (and expensive--why???).

Anyway, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who just throw in the towel at the least little thing. I actually think they are the minority because divorcing with children and assets involved is a bit harder than staying together I think.

And, no, at 40 people don't lose their minds, they get one! I am 46 years old and, at this point of my life, I've never been so sure of what I like and what I want out of life than I ever have been. I think people get in their 40s, they become secure in themselves, they often become reflective about half of their life being over and they start to reevaluate what their circumstances are. It could be that many of them have been unhappy for years with their marital situations but haven't had the means to divorce. Or the children have been too young at that point but now that they are older divorce feels more doable.

I honestly think that most people divorcing in their 40s after somewhat long marital arrangements know exactly what they are doing and are probably doing the right thing. It's those people that have been married 3 times by the time they are 30 that I wonder about.

ITA with every word you said.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

People in their 40's realize they only have so many good years left and they want to make the most of them. That said, it is shocking how many times you hear the non-filing spouse say they never saw it coming, when you could see the other person was not happy for a long time. Do spouses not recognize unhappiness in their own partner or just ignore it figuring they're married and not going anywhere?

 

[paintnolish]

I think that most who have been through a divorce would agree that it's NOT easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't know anyone who did it on a whim.

It is pretty easy to look at a situation from the outside and decide that the people involved aren't doing what they should, though. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

I agree. I am divorced, and it sure as heck was not easy! Most people who say it is too easy aren't divorced. You've had difficulties in your realationships and were able to work through them. Not everyone can do that or shoudl do that. My divorce was difficult, but I have never regretted it- not for one second.

 

[Acklander]

Divorce isn't that easy and I don't know anyone who goes into it lightly. I don't think they should make it more difficult or require people to go therapy or anything. Afterall, If I don't want to be married to someone anymore I shouldn't have to be, so why make it more difficult? What difference does it make to anyone else if my marriage fails or succeeds? I'm not saying marriage has to be all love notes and roses, but if a couple is miserable they should be allowed to move on with their lives. We don't need to make it more difficult for them to do so.

 

[krcit]

I think that most who have been through a divorce would agree that it's NOT easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't know anyone who did it on a whim.

It is pretty easy to look at a situation from the outside and decide that the people involved aren't doing what they should, though. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

I agree with you. I haven't been divorced but have been close enough to a few to see how difficult it was for all involved. Most of the couples I know, struggled and tried to make it work for years before divorcing. I also think that sometimes people fall out of love and that doesn't make them bad people or lazy or irresponsible.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I also think people give up too easily, but divorce is not easy. I think people want that "feeling" of when you first fall in love.....the anticipation, the giddyness, the butterflies, the flip floppy feeling in your stomach. But, as others have said, that always fades and turns into something deeper, a true partnership. i think many folks stray to find that "feeling" again. I know many marriages end because one spouse finds someone else, I think in those cases the day to day grind of kids, mortages, bills, cleaning, cooking etc. seems boring and they are looking for excitment.

ITA. *and* I think it's too easy to get married (to the wrong person!)

 

[Mermaid02]

Yes, marriage is WAY to easy and divorce is WAY to hard (and expensive--why???).

Anyway, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who just throw in the towel at the least little thing. I actually think they are the minority because divorcing with children and assets involved is a bit harder than staying together I think.

And, no, at 40 people don't lose their minds, they get one! I am 46 years old and, at this point of my life, I've never been so sure of what I like and what I want out of life than I ever have been. I think people get in their 40s, they become secure in themselves, they often become reflective about half of their life being over and they start to reevaluate what their circumstances are. It could be that many of them have been unhappy for years with their marital situations but haven't had the means to divorce. Or the children have been too young at that point but now that they are older divorce feels more doable.

I honestly think that most people divorcing in their 40s after somewhat long marital arrangements know exactly what they are doing and are probably doing the right thing. It's those people that have been married 3 times by the time they are 30 that I wonder about.

In some ways I agree with the red statement- but I think a "midlife crisis" is a real thing. I think this is when folks throw in the towel and want to start fresh with someone else.

I agree that it is too easy to get married!

 

[Feralpeg]

NO.

It is WAY to easy to get married. Any ol' fool can rush into it.

Getting divorce is messy,complicated, expensive and very difficult.

Exactly!!

 

[Jennasis]

I also tend to think that people who think divorce is easy (or an easy solution) are the ones who have not been through it or had the kind of marital troubles that might lead to divorce. Generally, you may feel like people are rushing off for a divorce without any effort to save the marriage first, but it's likely only because you have NO IDEA what the couple goes through behind closed doors. You're probably thinking "I never knew there was a problem with them" or "Why won't they work it out first?"

News Flash:
Most couples don't broadcast their personal lives.

When I left my ex (after being married a mere 7 months...seven looooong months of emotional abuse and neglect), I had to tell him to go and warn his parents about the fact that I was filing for divorce. His family...his mom and dad, had NO CLUE there was anything remotely wrong with us. They actually came over to my house the next night, after I told him I was filing for divorce, and CHASTIZED ME for being immature and "running away" from my responsibilities as a wife. I had to explain to them that their son was a tyrranical monster who systematically beat me down with his words and actions until I could love him no more. I explained we HAD gone to counseling (I dragged him there kicking and screaming. He refused to take counseling seriously, told me he didn't need since I was the one who thought there was a problem, not him, and he wouldn't help pay for it).

So remember...you may think you know everything about that other couple who suddenly announces their splitting. But you don't know jack about squat.

Disclaimer: That is not to say that there aren't cases where people walk away for no reason.

 

[tasha99]

No. Divorce is expensive and painful, and people are at their worst. I would imagine if you know a bunch of people in their 40's getting divorced, it's hard for them, but they're realizing this is it--they'd better build the life they want to live if they aren't already living that life now.

 

[mtemm]

People in their 40's realize they only have so many good years left and they want to make the most of them. That said, it is shocking how many times you hear the non-filing spouse say they never saw it coming, when you could see the other person was not happy for a long time. Do spouses not recognize unhappiness in their own partner or just ignore it figuring they're married and not going anywhere?

or maybe the spouse who initiates the divorce is a fantastic actor who shows his/her spouse how happy they are, how in love they are, but who is really feeling/thinking different things.

at least that was my experience.

my dh and I were very close to divorce, and yep, I was completely blindsided. I know this isn't always the case, but I know more than a few people who were completely shocked, not simply looking thru rose colored glasses ignoring their spouses unhappiness.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think that most who have been through a divorce would agree that it's NOT easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't know anyone who did it on a whim.

It is pretty easy to look at a situation from the outside and decide that the people involved aren't doing what they should, though. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

I believe you when you say it was hard for you and not done on whim, but I know many people who have divorced on a whim...something isn't "fun" any more and off they go to the next person.

I have a friend who got pregnant and married at 16...OK...mistake.

Got married again at 21 to a WONDERFUL guy who accepted and raised her child as his own, they had 2 other beautiful children and were married 17 years when she "decided" she was a lesbian and left him. Married (symbolically because it wasn't legal in her state) her partner, who was a lovely, wonderful woman. I said back then when they were getting married that it wouldn't last because my friend was just jumping from thing to thing. Well, here it is 6 years later and she and her wife split, and now she's "decided" that she is either bisexual or is actually heterosexual and was "confused" for a while.

And for the record, my freind will tell everyone that both her 1st husband and her 2nd wife were really wonderful people. I want to say to her "Well, make up your damn mind because you have now broken up your family with your confusion, hurt two really woonderful people very deeply and frankly, if you can't figure out whether you like men or women then stay away from both till you get your act together. It's selfish." And, while her story is somewhat unique because of the bisexual aspect, most of the people with whom I am acquainted (work colleagues and casual acquaintances...not good friends) think nothing of ending a marriage based on what really are the stupidest reasons. I know you didn't do it, but I am beginning to think that people like you are in the minority. And I do understand that there are reasons why a marriage has to end, I certainly don't advocate someone staying and being abused and miserable for 30 years, but there are a lot of people who think of marriage like it's dating and if it doesn't work out you go on to the next one.