Is it possible to have equally successful working people in a relationship?

[lovemygoofy]

Is it possible to have a full, happy relationship with two equally successful working people and things at home not drop?

I have several couples in my life going through this issue right now and it's going through my mind as well. I'll be entering the workforce again shortly working 10-12 hours a day and my husband working the same hours at night. I'm worried about our relationship and the household chores and stress but this is an opportunity I cannot say no to.

I have a good friend who is a dentist and her husband is a police officer. Her practice has been open a year and are in discussion about a baby. He expects her to take the baby to work everyday. She thinks if he is home(he works night) he can stay with the baby. Good luck with that discussion I know.

My SIL and her husband are in the same career field with the gov't. She works the same long hours and the same travel time and they are wanting to start their family soon. She has no idea what she is going to do because she doesn't want to give up her career and he doesn't either. I suggested a nanny.

Is it really possible to have a successful career, relationship, and household with two working, career driven people?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Yes!

While I cannot speak from personal experience, I have many friends who have done just that.

Being a "TEAM" is what is extremely important. The dentist and the husband scenario--he's not being a team player IMHO.

In any relationship, if one partner values what they do over what their partner does and refuses to work together with them--things will fall apart.

I will tell you, I stay home and it is a struggle b/c my husband never really wants to lift a finger on the weekends. And I'm not talking basic housework. I'm talking when things need repairing or I need help with a task that I cannot do alone (or I can't do at all). He balks at it. As a result, I stated early on that he should not expect a perfect house if that is the case--and he doesn't. But I really wish it were the other way around.

In any case--as long as the couple is on the same page--it should be fine. You may find chores having to wait until the weekend (a la Saturday morning cleanup/rest ritual)--DH may find that he may have to share in the more "domestic" duties than he'd care to....

But no, a dual career home doesn't mean instant falling apart of the household. (if anything, myhouse would likely be in much better shape if noone was at home all day.)

My BIL and SIL are key examples--their house always looked great. She does stay home now due to cost of childcare where they live as they just had a 2nd child....but they both worked for 4 years. Her DH has no issues with tackling a load of dishes, pulling out the vacuum or whatever. Their house was always neat and tidy.

I have no idea what it looks like now--but when they both worked, they did an excellent job of mantaining their home AND getting the "honey-do" list accomplished with their seasonal chores.

My DH is in awe. I have to explain how much his Brother contributes in that scenario. But it falls on deaf ears.

ETA: Yes my DH is away from home now--I'm referring to the years where he was home. And even in his "month off" between jobs--his desire to "help" wasn't that great. He considered it helpful to not make the condition of the home worse than it was. LOL! (I had just finished a bout of hyperemisis and my health was improving, but I couldn't fix the damage to my home from the lack of 2 months of me not lifting a finger.)

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Yes, a housekeeper makes all the difference and weekend getaways don't hurt.

 

[mom2travel]

Is it possible to have a full, happy relationship with two equally successful working people and things at home not drop?

I have several couples in my life going through this issue right now and it's going through my mind as well. I'll be entering the workforce again shortly working 10-12 hours a day and my husband working the same hours at night. I'm worried about our relationship and the household chores and stress but this is an opportunity I cannot say no to.

I have a good friend who is a dentist and her husband is a police officer. Her practice has been open a year and are in discussion about a baby. He expects her to take the baby to work everyday. She thinks if he is home(he works night) he can stay with the baby. Good luck with that discussion I know.

My SIL and her husband are in the same career field with the gov't. She works the same long hours and the same travel time and they are wanting to start their family soon. She has no idea what she is going to do because she doesn't want to give up her career and he doesn't either. I suggested a nanny.

Is it really possible to have a successful career, relationship, and household with two working, career driven people?

I'm a believer in the theory that if you want something enough, you work to make it happen. That said, if two parties to a relationship have different ideas about a particular issue and there is no meet-in-the-middle agreement/compromise, then you have a problem. Many new things come into play when children are introduced to the relationship to form a family and sometimes people don't talk about the realities of having children before committing to each other. Having a stay at home parent versus a nanny versus day care is a decision that needs to be made together based upon what works best for a given family.


My DH and I both have successful careers, a good relationship, and healthy, happy children. Did we need to work at it? Absolutely! Sometimes things get crazy, but it is worth it, to us.

 

[eliza61]

Heck yeah!! My dh and I have been successfully married for 25 years and managed to raise 3 great kids along the way.
My take is.
1) communication: I read post where some one is mad at their spouse because he/she didn't get them a valentines or some thing like that and I want to shout. Speak up. Since dh and I both work we can't afford to let stuff simmer to the boiling point. We talk constantly.

2) Don't sweat the small stuff. with 3 kids and a dog, I'm on a first name basis with dirt. If I miss vacuuming or if there are dirty dishes in the sink we don't treat it like some one short sheeted the Pope.

3) Family first, every thing else can be prioritized. My dh is a shift worker. when we began our family he did child care on the days during the week when he was off. Why shouldn't he? I also gave up control. I am not the type of mom who felt that child care had to be done "my way" so if I was at work and the kids had mcdonalds for dinner or the kids missed nap time, I was not one to cause a huge blow out. Moms some times we have to trust that the dad will take care of the kids.

 

[castleview]

For some people, it can work. Not for me, though. I only work the first six weeks of the year and am screaming uncle by the end because the house is falling down (love DH, but he's a slob). However before I had kids, we were both working 10-12 hours a day. The plan was always for me to stay home when we had kids. Wardrobe, travel, and daycare costs just wouldn't offset my income.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

Yes, it is definitely possible! Dh and I both have successful careers, a great relationship and three wonderful kids. I won't lie and say we do it all on our own, because we have a lot of help from both sets of grandparents. My parents watch the kids after school and during the summer, and my in-laws (who live next door) also help with transporting kids here to there and watch the kids on the occasional evenings when dh and I both have meetings on the same night. I can honestly admit that my house is not spotlessly cleaned every day or even every week (our former house cleaner quit and I haven't gotten around to hiring a new one, but I do highly recommend having one if both spouses are working). I can also say that it isn't always easy, but dh and I are partners and we both chip in when we see something needs to be done. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of organization, but it is definitely do-able as long as both parents are working equally as hard at home as they are at work.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Anything is possible, but it is very difficult. I have a number of friends who fit the description. Sadly, while they have successful marriages, their children are a mess. Neither parent ever takes enough time with the children, especially early on.

Of course, they all think that their children are great.

 

[lovemygoofy]

For my husband and I, we already have the plan for kids and anything I make is just bank anyways. Considering we won't be here forever and move in 2 years it's just been easier to live off his salary.

I think it's just the unknown that is making me stressed and him being on a night schedule. He helps around the house but doesn't really know the day to day stuff if that makes sense. I have worked outside the house in some form always but this job will require lots of long hours and that is a new twist for us.

As for my friends and family, I think they will come up with a plan that works. I just don't think that a relationship is every 50/50. There are days it might be 50/50 but honestly I think most days it is 60/40 due to the nature of that relationship. I have no problem with communication and working to keep things happy and well. We are good at that.

I think it's just fear of the unknown and these crazy schedule things that are driving me crazy.

 

[castleview]

I think it's just fear of the unknown and these crazy schedule things that are driving me crazy.

Having kids is the "great unknown". Even when I got pregnant, I wasn't sure if I was ready. Of course, once you have that baby you can't imagine life without them. I found being a mom made me more assertive and clarified my priorities. You're banking your salary right now which is great. That way, you'll be in a position to make a choice regarding work.

 

[Christine]

The couple must be on the same page for it to work. Having children makes the situation VERY sticky.

Both couples you mention are in for trouble.

The dentist/police officer thing---I mean, really, how can a dentist have her child at work?

As for your SIL's situation, generally when two career-oriented people have a child, one of them has to sacrifice something. I worked full time time since my kids were born but putting them in daycare 12-14 hours a day was not an option nor were many daycare providers willing--so I knew that during those years, I could not "work" on my career. That was the choice I made because I wanted to have children. My husband could have easily made that choice also and I could have been the one busting my butt, but his job was much less flexible and precarious than mine was. Sometimes you don't get a choice about who gets to do what and you have to do what's best for the family unit as a whole. I think if your desire is to put in long days like that for most of your life, you seriously need to rethink your desires for having children (or pets). What about when the kids start wanting to play soccer and practice starts at 5:30? What happens? It certainly can be done but it really needs to be settled BEFORE the child arrives.

As for your situation, the real issue is going to be finding the time for you two to spend with each other where you can still be connected. With anyone who is working a night shift (which sounds like what your husband will be doing), that is difficult in the best of circumstances because the night shift worker is usually asleep most of the day anyway, so even if you are home, you aren't really doing a whole lot.

 

[kirstenb1]

No it didn't work out for us, so I became at SAHM. I got tired of having to delegate to dh at home.

 

[jenm2878]

Yes, it absolutely can work! My DH and I both work full time and we're still as sappy about each other as we were 12 years ago when we started dating. Our house can get messy during the week, but we both pick up on the weekends.

For us, it was all about being on the same page. I learned to ask for help, and he learned to compromise. The household tasks are generally 50/50, but it varies depending on the day or who's working more that week. It took a couple of years, but I figured out that instead of getting mad at him for not noticing that something needs done, it's less stressful for both of us if I simply ask him to complete whatever task.

We plan on having a family at some point so I'm sure things will need to be tweaked along the way. We've learned that as long as we communicate and work together as a team that we can get through anything.

 

[Motherofboys]

It didn't work for us either. My DH was on night shift and I worked the regular 9-5. He left right when I got home. I left shortly after he got home. It was stressful on us and the kids. Youngest DS was 6 months at the time and we didn't want to do daycare. DH wasn't getting good sleep either as he had to take care of the baby and I was left with all dinner, homework, baths, bedtime, school functions, etc.

It may work fine for people who are okay with having their kids at daycare for long hours or have older children. It didn't work for us and DH became a SAHD and I work. I have better earning potential and a more secure job.

We make less money then our friends/siblings b/c we are a one income household but we wouldn't change our decision, we are completely happy with it.

Good luck to you and DH and your future lil Goofy's

 

[castleview]

No it didn't work out for us, so I became at SAHM. I got tired of having to delegate to dh at home.

Yeah, I got tired about having to leave instructions saying "when you're done with a dish, put it in the sink or dishwasher, don't leave it there...or "honey the laundry goes IN the hamper, not next to it."

 

[Pakey]

Happy married 25 years. I have worked anywhere from 60-80 hour work weeks through most of my career; my husband owns a business and works full time but has more flexibility than I do. We raised 3 children.

One of the things that works for both of us is that our expectations aren't the same. He doesn't do certain things as well as I do and I don't do certain things as well as he does. But as long as they get done; who cares. We also don't sweat the small stuff. It's not the end of the world if the dry cleaning doesn't get picked up on Tuesday or that the bathrooms don't get cleaned on Thursday.

Since I work more hours, my husband picks up more of the load at home. Also, since I'm an accountant, I have to take care of his business paperwork in my free time (and after an 80 hour work week, it's the thing I despise the most). We did have a housekeeper when kids still lived at home but now that it's just the two of us, we only have a gardener and we do our own housework.

Most important advice: make sure to plan time for the two of you. Since I work Monday-Saturday, we have a "date" on Sunday.

 

[johnsontrio]

I think a distinction needs to be made between 2 working people vs. 2 career minded people. To me, the first is a job. Something one does to pay the bills, support your family. The family remains the main focus and the #1 priority when decisions have to be made. Along the lines of work to live not live to work.

A career, in my mind, is something that is an innate part of ones being. Something that the person does because they have to, in order to have a certain sense of completeness. For them to be happy as a person, they need the feedback and sense of accomplishment/status that the career provides. They would work even if it was not financially necessary. (My Mother just retired this past December at the age of 77 but is still active in her national committees.) In many cases careers require many hours of education, committee work, organization involvement, etc.. that encroaches on weekends and evenings.

I grew up in the 60s with 2 career driven parents and even though we had a housekeeper/nanny, it was a huge sacrifice on the part of the family/children. My Mother pursued her education full-time earning her PhD, while my father worked offshore for many weeks at a time. Very little activity in our home growing up was centered on what the kids were doing. There was not enough continuity to participate in a sport, pursue scouting, etc.. My Mother put a much higher priority on her own involvement in protesting the Vietnam War and supporting the ERA than any activities for us kids. Those activities took up what ever spare time there was. I knew that I never wanted a job that could come home with me at night and I did't want to marry anyone that felt their job/career was their number one priority.

That said, in todays economy, it is very difficult to raise a family without one or both parents having a successful career. Many salaried jobs require extensive overtime past 40 hours (without pay) just to get the job done.

In our family, I have chosen not to work while our DD is still in school due to my DH's work responsibilities and the unpredictable nature of his schedule. Sure I would love to have adult contact with my peers in the workforce as well as the sense of accomplishment that comes from providing excellent care for other people, but I will not sacrifice my DDs being able to pursue her interests and sports in order to meet my own needs.

I would say that now that we are approaching the end of HS, the families with the least amount of problems with their children and the most successful children, are the families that have made sacrifices and arrangements to have parents readily available to their children. Equally important seems to be having a child focused home, making sure the children get the emotional development and support that they need.

 

[punkin]

It can work and I have seen some families where it does work. It worked for my DH and me when we only had one child and I had a full time nanny and a mother who constantly checked up on the nanny. After my mother died and I had a second child, it did not work. I had a revolving door for nannies, my DH (while he is wonderful in many ways) does not help around the house, does not cook, does not clean, and had different ideas about what constituted "good" childcare.

...so I quit. Sometimes I think it was the right decision and sometimes I second guess myself. In my case, I think my older child needed a lot more care than anyone I hired could have given her. If it was just my youngest (who doesn't seem to need me quite as much) I think we could have made it work.

Disclaimer: Both DH and I had extremely demanding jobs with frequent late hours and significant travel. If you have regular 9-5 jobs the dynamics are much different.

 

[Allison]

Well, I've been doing it for 20 years- so yes, it is.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I think a distinction needs to be made between 2 working people vs. 2 career minded people. To me, the first is a job. Something one does to pay the bills, support your family. The family remains the main focus and the #1 priority when decisions have to be made. Along the lines of work to live not live to work.

A career, in my mind, is something that is an innate part of ones being. Something that the person does because they have to, in order to have a certain sense of completeness. For them to be happy as a person, they need the feedback and sense of accomplishment/status that the career provides. They would work even if it was not financially necessary. (My Mother just retired this past December at the age of 77 but is still active in her national committees.) In many cases careers require many hours of education, committee work, organization involvement, etc.. that encroaches on weekends and evenings.

I grew up in the 60s with 2 career driven parents and even though we had a housekeeper/nanny, it was a huge sacrifice on the part of the family/children. My Mother pursued her education full-time earning her PhD, while my father worked offshore for many weeks at a time. Very little activity in our home growing up was centered on what the kids were doing. There was not enough continuity to participate in a sport, pursue scouting, etc.. My Mother put a much higher priority on her own involvement in protesting the Vietnam War and supporting the ERA than any activities for us kids. Those activities took up what ever spare time there was. I knew that I never wanted a job that could come home with me at night and I did't want to marry anyone that felt their job/career was their number one priority.

That said, in todays economy, it is very difficult to raise a family without one or both parents having a successful career. Many salaried jobs require extensive overtime past 40 hours (without pay) just to get the job done.

In our family, I have chosen not to work while our DD is still in school due to my DH's work responsibilities and the unpredictable nature of his schedule. Sure I would love to have adult contact with my peers in the workforce as well as the sense of accomplishment that comes from providing excellent care for other people, but I will not sacrifice my DDs being able to pursue her interests and sports in order to meet my own needs.

I would say that now that we are approaching the end of HS, the families with the least amount of problems with their children and the most successful children, are the families that have made sacrifices and arrangements to have parents readily available to their children. Equally important seems to be having a child focused home, making sure the children get the emotional development and support that they need.

I'm sorry your mom chose to focus her energy on her education/career instead of her family. I had a mother that was similar, so I know exactly what you are talking about and the memories still haunt my sister and I to this day. It's wrong and it sucks that some people just aren't cut out to be parents.

I have had my moments of mommy guilt from working full time, but my childhood makes me even more determined to put my family first (and I expect the same thing from dh). If anything, I tend to overcompensate by being "super mom" (was actually called that by some of dd's friends' SAHMs this weekend, who were complaining that I made them look bad). It is possible and it is not always easy, but with the right partner it can be accomplished!!