Is it inappropriate to have a big wedding if-

[denisem]

{shrug} Maybe I'm offbase and this doesn't apply, but I'll admit to "judging" people on their basic, life-long personality traits - NOT the circumstances of their wedding.

IOW, it revolves on whether I really LIKE them as people. I wouldn't hold a good-hearted person who conceived before marriage in any less esteem than a virginal but generally selfish/unlikable person.

 

[kpm76]

My sisters second wedding was bigger than her first! They were both in their 40s and she had 2 kids at the time. Personally, its not for me, and I don't think its appropriate. They had a registry for all the stuff they already had. Personally, I think the point of having a wedding registry is to help out a new couple that doesn't have anything - they had a home, no morgage, and everything already there. So as I said, not something I would do, but it is done, and if your not paying for it, just go and enjoy the food!!!!

I see you are from Jersey and I am very familiar with NY/NJ weddings. I'm not saying this was the case with your sister, but you say if you're not paying, go and enjoy the food. Well, in many cases you will be paying. You'll be giving a gift off the registry for the shower and for the wedding, most brides/grooms in the NY/NJ area expect that your wedding gift will be a check in equal to or in excess of the cost of your meal........

 

[disneychick0412]

I haven't read through all the posts, but I don't think it is inappropriate, even though the couple already had a child. Hopefully this couple will look back on their wedding day and be glad that they had the type of wedding that they wanted, without worrying about what others might think.

This hits close to home, because I just got back from the wedding of my 75 year old (very spunky) grandma. She is in great health and found a man she wanted to be married to. The reason this hits home is that they did the whole wedding thing that my grandma never got to do 60 years ago when she married my grandpa!! White dress, attendants.....the whole thing...... It was a beautiful celebration of two wonderful people, by the two big families that they created in their first marriages! Some people might have thought that at their ages they shouldn't have had this type of wedding, but we don't care! My grandma is happy and that's all that matters!!

 

[Disney Doll]

I would choose not to have a huge "traditional" (read: white dress, bridesmaids, flower girls etc.) wedding if I already had a 1 year old child with my groom.

I would certainly celebrate the day, but the celebration would lower key and "non-traditional" since I would have already made some "non-traditional" choices but having the child before the marriage.

 

[luvsJack]

Well, if the parents of my beautiful little granddaughter decide to marry when she is 1 (or any other age), we will have as big a celebration as the happy couple wants and we all can afford. Why? Because we will all be absolutely thrilled with their decision and will want to celebrate their new life together. Celebrations of life are always appropriate.

Things happen and sometimes babies do not appear on the schedule we would all like for them to. Our advice to ds was not to get married just because there was a baby coming. A baby cannot make a marriage work. So, they are now spending time together--getting to know each other again and getting to know their precious child. When they marry, whether dgd is 1, 2 or 20; they will know it is because they love each other.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

I think this is one of those 'agree to disagree' kind of things. We all have opinions about what is and is not appropriate. What I find objectionable is that some posters pass judgement on the couple's priorities and commitment to marriage simply becuase they did thingserently than the poster would have. We all make our choices based on our own perceptions and priorities- I simply don't presume I know what is at the root of others motivations when they choose to do things differently than I would. I choose not to assume that the couple isn't taking marriage seriously, that they aren't neglecting to think about stablizing the family for the child's benefit and that the bride isn't having a diva moment demanding a big wedding. I assume, unless I know differently, that the couple is waiting for a time when they can gather thier friends and family, when the child is past the infant stage so that the couple isn't as focused on pregnancy and new parenthood, when they have the time to plan an event. I assume the best, unless I know differently.

FWIW, I only know two couples that married shotgun. One had a wedding put together in a hurry, bride 4 mo pregnant. Divorced after a miseable marriage. One found out they were pg, decided to focus on thier pregnancy and birth, and got married when the child was 1. Still happily married. I don't think there's any conclusive evidance that couples who are committed and planning to marry are any more likely to succeed if they marry before the baby's birth. Neither is thier evidance to the contrary, as far as I know. Its a crapshoot. All anyone can do is do what feels like the right thing, and hope that thier community of friends and relatives will support rather than judge.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think this is one of those 'agree to disagree' kind of things. We all have opinions about what is and is not appropriate. What I find objectionable is that some posters pass judgement on the couple's priorities and commitment to marriage simply becuase they did thingserently than the poster would have. We all make our choices based on our own perceptions and priorities- I simply don't presume I know what is at the root of others motivations when they choose to do things differently than I would. I choose not to assume that the couple isn't taking marriage seriously, that they aren't neglecting to think about stablizing the family for the child's benefit and that the bride isn't having a diva moment demanding a big wedding. I assume, unless I know differently, that the couple is waiting for a time when they can gather thier friends and family, when the child is past the infant stage so that the couple isn't as focused on pregnancy and new parenthood, when they have the time to plan an event. I assume the best, unless I know differently.

FWIW, I only know two couples that married shotgun. One had a wedding put together in a hurry, bride 4 mo pregnant. Divorced after a miseable marriage. One found out they were pg, decided to focus on thier pregnancy and birth, and got married when the child was 1. Still happily married. I don't think there's any conclusive evidance that couples who are committed and planning to marry are any more likely to succeed if they marry before the baby's birth. Neither is thier evidance to the contrary, as far as I know. Its a crapshoot. All anyone can do is do what feels like the right thing, and hope that thier community of friends and relatives will support rather than judge.

I agree with everything you are saying however you are leaving out respect for people that feel like you should get married and forgo the big wedding.

I was one of those people. It didn't feel right to me. I am not passing passing judgement on other's doing what feels right to them. I am just saying that is what felt right to me.

 

[Nancyg56]

This hits close to home, because I just got back from the wedding of my 75 year old (very spunky) grandma. She is in great health and found a man she wanted to be married to. The reason this hits home is that they did the whole wedding thing that my grandma never got to do 60 years ago when she married my grandpa!! White dress, attendants.....the whole thing...... It was a beautiful celebration of two wonderful people, by the two big families that they created in their first marriages! Some people might have thought that at their ages they shouldn't have had this type of wedding, but we don't care! My grandma is happy and that's all that matters!!

This made me ! Best wishes to your Grandma!

Well, if the parents of my beautiful little granddaughter decide to marry when she is 1 (or any other age), we will have as big a celebration as the happy couple wants and we all can afford. Why? Because we will all be absolutely thrilled with their decision and will want to celebrate their new life together. Celebrations of life are always appropriate.

We did that very thing with my DD and my now DSIL. DSIL came from a really broken home. He never did find out how many times his father had married but he knows it is at least four time. His Mom married 3 times. When they found out that Kady was coming he and DD were already in a committed relationship but decided to wait to marry. While he never articulated why he wanted to wait I believe that he was led to believe that he and his siblings were always at fault in the breakup of the multitude of marriages between his parents and their ever coming and going partners. His stories made me want to cry for him.

My Sis Il kept pushing DD to marry but I finally put a stop to that nonsense. It was clear to me that they loved each othr and that they both were not afraid of having a baby in their lives so waiting for them to know they would be fine was okay with DH and I. Actually, DH and I felt that DD would be better off not married if Jeff was not able to cope with a child, we could better help her that way.

Well they married in a beautiful understated wedding when Kady was 7 months old. They had all of the "trappings" of the day with family and a few friends celebrating the Union that they knew was strong. I am so glad they waited, they are still very happy together and their child knows that she is the most cherished child that ever was born. No question for her if she is a welcomed member of the family. As a Nana who adores her DGD, Kady's security in her parents realtionship was worth waiting a few months for.

 

[luvsJack]

This made me ! Best wishes to your Grandma!



We did that very thing with my DD and my now DSIL. DSIL came from a really broken home. He never did find out how many times his father had married but he knows it is at least four time. His Mom married 3 times. When they found out that Kady was coming he and DD were already in a committed relationship but decided to wait to marry. While he never articulated why he wanted to wait I believe that he was led to believe that he and his siblings were always at fault in the breakup of the multitude of marriages between his parents and their ever coming and going partners. His stories made me want to cry for him.

My Sis Il kept pushing DD to marry but I finally put a stop to that nonsense. It was clear to me that they loved each othr and that they both were not afraid of having a baby in their lives so waiting for them to know they would be fine was okay with DH and I. Actually, DH and I felt that DD would be better off not married if Jeff was not able to cope with a child, we could better help her that way.

Well they married in a beautiful understated wedding when Kady was 7 months old. They had all of the "trappings" of the day with family and a few friends celebrating the Union that they knew was strong. I am so glad they waited, they are still very happy together and their child knows that she is the most cherished child that ever was born. No question for her if she is a welcomed member of the family. As a Nana who adores her DGD, Kady's security in her parents realtionship was worth waiting a few months for.

That is exactly why I advised them not to marry "because she was pregnant". I want them to know they will be happy together with or without a child between them. That child will grow up some day, I want my son to be in a happy relationship that will continue to be happy when that happens. And I want dgd to be secure in the knowledge that her parents love each other and adore her and that there will never, ever be any worry of resentment or feelings of entrapment.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

My cousin had 2 sons out of wedlock. When the guy finally married her the boys were 12 and 5. Her first pregnancy was when she was 16. They stayed together all that time without marriage. Finally, after years of my cousin's nagging, they decide to get married and had a ceremony/reception to rival Princess Diana. There were whispers and rolled eyes all throughout the church as the bride walked down the aisle in her virginal white, ballgown dress, veil covering her face. It's what my cousin had always dreamed about, so who was I to judge? 4 years later, they divorced.

I guess I feel that if you get pregnant and the guy does not want to marry you soon after learining about the pregnancy, there is not too much hope for a future with him. If the child is over 2 when the marriage happens, forget about it.

 

[Scurvy]

I am not even going to try to address the whole "Let's agree to disagree as long as you know you are wrong because you are judging and it makes me sad " thing mentioned earlier in the thread. Clearly some of us will never understand each other, and I think any further attempts to explain would be falling on deaf ears.

There were whispers and rolled eyes all throughout the church as the bride walked down the aisle in her virginal white, ballgown dress, veil covering her face.

Actually, the people who were rolling their eyes over the white dress probably didn't know much about wedding history. It's only fairly recently that people started to associate white dresses with virginity. Traditionally, white was chosen because white is a very impractical color. Usually people were married in a very nice dress that they planned to wear again afterward. Some people started choosing white to show off the fact that they could afford to buy a dress that they would only wear once. It had nothing to do with the "purity" of the bride. Even though I would be among those who found it odd for the couple to have such a traditional, showy wedding (and the bride to have a tradtitional, showy dress), I wouldn't blink twice at the bride wearing white.

 

[luvmy3]

Of course they should have a big wedding if thats what they want. As far as I'm concerned it has nothing to do with the fact that they already have a child together. The couple is promiosing to love eachother for the rest of their lives, and they want to share the celebration with those the love. Why should it matter that they already have a child

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

My cousin had 2 sons out of wedlock. When the guy finally married her the boys were 12 and 5. Her first pregnancy was when she was 16. They stayed together all that time without marriage. Finally, after years of my cousin's nagging, they decide to get married and had a ceremony/reception to rival Princess Diana. There were whispers and rolled eyes all throughout the church as the bride walked down the aisle in her virginal white, ballgown dress, veil covering her face. It's what my cousin had always dreamed about, so who was I to judge? 4 years later, they divorced.

I guess I feel that if you get pregnant and the guy does not want to marry you soon after learining about the pregnancy, there is not too much hope for a future with him. If the child is over 2 when the marriage happens, forget about it.

We had friends that got married a month before us. Unlike them, we had a 5 year old and one on the way. They had waited for children untill after marriage, got pregnant about a year and a half later, and then he left her when she was 8 1/2 months pregnant. So, sometimes, it doesn't work out doing things the traditional way either.

 

[Disney Doll]

You know what I find interesting?

The people who are posting essentially "I don't agree with it" are being called judgemental.

Yet aren't the people calling them judgemental also being judgemental by saying that the "I don't agree with it" opinion is wrong?

 

[PaulaSB12]

The main thing in planning a wedding is only to have the wedding you can afford. I have seen several marriages disintigrate due to large debts incured having the perfect day.

 

[Colleen27]

Maybe that is part of what we're seeing here. It's not so much, "Only virgins (or faux virgins) are entitled to church weddings," as it is a case of some women being extremely risk averse and having what amounts to a primal desire to make sure their child has economic and legal protection even before birth.

And on the other side, I think many of us feel the way we do because we don't see marriage as offering any additional measure of stability or protection. DH and I are both the products of failed marriages, and neither of us have any contact with or received any support from our biological fathers. So for us, the idea of marriage conveying any additional stability for the kids is laughable. The stability comes from our commitment to one another and that commitment was made well before DD was conceived, not at the time we said our vows.

 

[BelleWDW]

Usually people were married in a very nice dress that they planned to wear again afterward. Some people started choosing white to show off the fact that they could afford to buy a dress that they would only wear once. It had nothing to do with the "purity" of the bride. .

I remember seeing my Grandmother on her wedding day in the 1920's and she wore a pretty Flapper dress in a pastel color.


I think its wearing the veil-especially covering the face , that is the sign of Virginity and purity. But heck-that would mean most brides shouldn't wear a veil.

 

[Scurvy]

I think its wearing the veil-especially covering the face , that is the sign of Virginity and purity. But heck-that would mean most brides shouldn't wear a veil.

I think you're right. On both counts, actually! But honestly, that idea has always bugged me so if people disregard it when planning a wedding that's just fine with me. I really don't think anyone but the bride and groom should be thinking about the bride's virginity - or lack thereof!

 

[M5ward]

My youngest son got married last week. His very beautiful bride wore a lovely white gown. The minister who performed the ceremony included their four-month old daughter in the vows. It was wonderful! You have never seen two happier people...they beamed all evening!!

 

[luvsJack]

My cousin had 2 sons out of wedlock. When the guy finally married her the boys were 12 and 5. Her first pregnancy was when she was 16. They stayed together all that time without marriage. Finally, after years of my cousin's nagging, they decide to get married and had a ceremony/reception to rival Princess Diana. There were whispers and rolled eyes all throughout the church as the bride walked down the aisle in her virginal white, ballgown dress, veil covering her face. It's what my cousin had always dreamed about, so who was I to judge? 4 years later, they divorced.

I guess I feel that if you get pregnant and the guy does not want to marry you soon after learining about the pregnancy, there is not too much hope for a future with him. If the child is over 2 when the marriage happens, forget about it.

This just is not true. Its not the timing of the marriage, its the fact that your cousin had to nag him to marry her. If he had married her while she was pregnant or even before, but only because she nagged him; it still would not have worked out.

I see how committed ds and his gf are to each other and to their child. I know in my heart of hearts that if they married today, they would make it work. They are scared. They are new parents (anyone remember what that is like?) and are still nervous over that; and now they are trying to make this relationship work. It is a lot on a couple. They will reach that point of being sure and when it happens we will have a wedding. It doesn't matter when it happens, just as long as they are sure of what they want when it does.