Is It Ever "Too Late" For A Sympathy Card?

[BearcatsFan]

My husband was outside yesterday when an old friend's wife pulled in the driveway. He was surprised to see her - we haven't seen her socially for quite some time. He asked how they were doing, and she very bluntly told him our friend had died and she wasn't sure if we knew.

We had no idea. She went on to recount the horrible details of his sudden death, very matter-of-factly. My husband, shocked, asked her when the funeral was, etc., only to have her reply, "He died in May." She then said she was getting into a new normal, and that their young daughter had finally accepted it. She only stayed a minute or so and drove away as quickly as she appeared.

My husband was stunned, and so was I. We'd been wondering why we hadn't seen or heard from him all Summer (he usually stopped by to visit) - we just thought he had been busy with home and family. We had been long-time friends of this man, my husband had even worked for him at one point in time.

As good as we got along with him, however, we didn't mesh with his wife. Trying to get together as two couples never worked for us - that's why we hadn't seen her in so long. To her, we were always, "His friends." We are, of course, so very sorry for her loss, regardless of the fact that we didn't mingle well with her.

That brings me to my question. Is it too late or inappropriate to send a sympathy/condolence card to her now? I know this loss must have been devastating for them and I would never want to cause them pain by opening the wound all over again. He was a good friend to my husband and I for many years and we know what a family man he was. We would like to express our sympathy to her and their family, but I don't know if we should - even though we just found out, it has been almost 6 months since his passing.

Thoughts, advice, opinions?

 

[Bren's Mom]

I once read some advice about mentioning someone's deceased loved one. It said you aren't making someone remember a loved one by mentioning them...they have likely never forgotten them...or something like that.

I doubt a day goes by where that dd doesn't think of her dad. No doubt that having a warm letter in a card that describes what a great friend her dad was will be a comfort...if not right now then sometime in the future.

I think it's never to late to send something like that.

Of course, it's too late for flowers...but depending on his wishes (obit) and the age of his child you could make a donation in his name, or deposit a gift into his dd's college fund or something.

 

[Jcricket Fan]

I don't believe it is ever too late to be kind.

If you feel you want to share your condolences with the friends wife then you should.
You can mention exactly what you posted for us that you were saddened to recently learn of his death and wanted to share what a good friend and family man he was and that he will be missed by you.

So sorry for your loss of this friend.
Peace.
Colleen

 

[disneychic2]

I agree that it is never too late to express condolences. I would get more of a thinking of you card with a note to express your sorrow that you had no idea about his passing and had not been available to help her in her time of need. And maybe even thank her for taking the time and trouble to come over to let you know about it. You maybe didn't mesh with her well, but she could probably use a friend right about now. She sounds as though she's dead inside with the matter-of-fact way she delivered the news. And you know she nor her DD are "over" his death. Be a friend to her as much as you can be. Just reach out and see what comes of it. What a sad situation.

 

[Disney Doll]

Having watched my cousin's wife & children mourn his death for the last 2 years, I can tell you that they are in no way "over" it in 6 months.

They are adjusting to their "new normal"....but that adjustment takes time & patience.

I would, by all means, send a card statting how sorry you were to learn of his passing, how much you appreciated the wife stopping to tell you such difficult news. If you have a fond memory of him I'd include that. At the very least I would include some sentiment of how you remember speaking so lovingly & fondly of his family and that you mourn his loss.

 

[antmaril]

I lost my husband four years ago to cancer. In my opinion, it is never too late to send a sympathy card. If someone we knew just found out about his death, I certainly would appreciate the thoughtful gesture.

 

[NCRedding]

It is never too late to send a sympathy card, particularly with the holidays coming up. These will be difficult for her to get through, and it's nice just to think people care.

 

[JessicaR]

I agree that it is never too late. My FIL owned a business for over 50 years he passed 5 years ago. He knew SO many people. Even now all these years later we still get the occasional card or call as someone else finds out.

Always comforting and always welcomed.

 

[Rylee]

Please send that card out.

It won't add to their pain, it will bring a little comfort.

 

[BearcatsFan]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies and insight. I will send a card right away.

 

[Imzadi]

It's never too late. You are showing support for the living and acknowledging their loss. You are also remembering a dear friend. I've read were people have sent a sympathy card years later, when they have only just found out the news that someone has died. If anything, it helps the loved ones to know someone still remembers the deceased - even years later. Worded correctly, that can be a comfort, or give a smile to know their loved one is gone but not forgotten in the hearts of others.

 

[Mandychelle79]

My grandpa died in January. I wouldnt want someone to send a sympathy card now. Maybe I am feeling this way because my son just celebrated his 7th birthday and it was the first one without grandpa, or because the holidays are coming up and again, first one without. Little things can still open the flood gates and I get that kicked in the stomach feeling. I wouldnt want to unintentionally cause that in someone else. Heck the other day I broke down because it was chilly outside and I wanted peanut butter toast and hot chocolate, something I shared with gpa all the time.

 

[ronandannette]

I agree that it is never too late to express condolences. I would get more of a thinking of you card with a note to express your sorrow that you had no idea about his passing and had not been available to help her in her time of need. And maybe even thank her for taking the time and trouble to come over to let you know about it. You maybe didn't mesh with her well, but she could probably use a friend right about now. She sounds as though she's dead inside with the matter-of-fact way she delivered the news. And you know she nor her DD are "over" his death. Be a friend to her as much as you can be. Just reach out and see what comes of it. What a sad situation.

This is good advice. Go with the "Thinking of You" card and note like what is described here.

 

[Peanut Giggleface]

I don't think it's ever too late to send a card or letter when you find out someone has passed. However, I think if you know about someone's passing and then wait 6 months or so to send a card, then it's too late. But in this situation, absolutely send a card. If the wife doesn't appreciate it, her children will.

 

[honeydiane1953]

Send one ASAP! You didn't know so now you can let the family know all of you are thinking about them. We can't know all things as we work, have families,etc. It is never to late. GOD BLESS!

 

[TinkerBelled]

I don't think it would open any wounds, as she was the one who stopped by and told you the news. I think it would be a kind gesture to send her the card, no matter what your history.