Is DH being too protective or am I being too laid back?

[Liberty Belle]

My response would depend on whether or not the cabin is on a lake. I am overprotective and I know it. However, I also try not to let that keep DD from great experiences. But if there is a lake nearby (or the cabin sits right on a busy highway or some other situation that makes it a little less safe) and lots of children I probably wouldn't let my child go...but even that depends on how the group my child was with interacts and watches children. Heck I was at a close friends daughter's birthday party with my DD and we were going swimming. We went out to swim and when we did her DD went along too and got in the pool. We of course watched her but my friend had no idea at all she was in the pool or who she was with. They tend to have the "well someone is watching her" mentality but no one knows who that "someone" is. Every since DD was little me or DH one knew when we were the one watching her. We would always check with each other - you've got DD, I'm going to the bathroom or whatever the case may be. I could just see in a situation where "someone" is watching them and the "someone" not knowing it and it turns out no one is watching the child....especially for someone who isn't responsible for the child often. (although I would hope in that case they would be extra vigilant)

That's what worries me the most. My parents are around large groups of adults a lot and want my son to participate, but I know that's what they'd be thinking. That there are so many people around, someone will be watching him.

My parents are very laid back when it comes to kids, etc. One time ds was in their rv and almost took one of my dad's heart pills, because dad left it on the counter. One of my dad's most common sayings is "oh, he'll be alright" and kind of let him go off on his own.

But, again, I have anxiety and tend to be over-protective. Dh is the same way. Because of this we tend to do a lot with our kids. We adjust our lives so they can experience as much as possible.

As my oldest got older, I did let go quite a bit. I've been able to let him take a cross country trip with my parents, even though I worried the whole time. He was fine, of course, but again, he was older. There's absolutely no way I'd let my youngest go, because of what I mentioned above and because of his ADHD.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Her DH is dwelling on the what if's. How about these:

What if FIL passes away - There is a missed opportunity to spend time with grandpa.

What if there is a huge disagreement within the family makeup and one of the cousins he hardly ever gets to see, now becomes the cousin he NEVER sees.

What if's are always there. The other good one is coulda, woulda, shoulda. Live is to short and precious - the time to live is NOW!!!

I agree with everyone on this. I also believe in taking advantage of spending time with family members, etc., however, if my spouse felt so strongly against it, I wouldn't disregard his feelings on the matter and let my child go anyway.

I think the husband is being way overprotective, but they are going the next day (if I read the OP correctly), and so the 4-year old won't totally miss out.

Now, if the discussion is really, should the OP push her husband to agree to letting their son go with the grandparents, then I agree with that.

 

[Allison]

Let him go-absolutely.

My kids have great memories of going camping with grandpa from the time they were out of diapers. It was a great experience for grandpa and the kids.

 

[dispor]

You've been to the reunions before, so you should have a good idea of what the atmosphere is like. Is this an event where all the parents let their kids go off together, with no one watching them?

Or is this the kind of party where the families all do things together (play a baseball game, etc.)?

What about fireworks? Are there bonfires? If either, then I would not send him.

I think you mentioned that FIL is in poor health. If so, are you confident that GF will be keeping an eye on DS the entire time?

BTW, I don't think that your DH is a helicopter parent. He obviously has allowed your son to stay with FIL before, so there is something about this particular event that is bothering him.

If DS spending time with his cousins wasn't important enough for you to plan to attend tonight, why is it so important now? (I could understand if you had another major commitment, but you didn't mention any.)

If DH has been reasonable on most other things - as a PP said - I would respect his wishes on this one.

I just have to mention... I was at my DDs softball game last evening. A little boy (about 5 years old) was playing basketball while the game was going on. At one point, he starting crying VERY LOUDLY. I looked over and saw that he was laying on the ground, holding his head (with 6 other boys just standing over him, not knowing what to do). Since no adult was going over, I went to check on him. That's when I realized he was the coach's son (the coach was way over on the other side of the field, and I'm sure he didn't even realize it had happened). I told him to come sit over by me and I gave him a cold water bottle to hold on his head (which of course made him stop crying instantly - LOL). A couple of minutes later, a lady comes over and asks him if he's okay. Turns out it was his grandmother (and she was a YOUNG grandma - maybe late 50s). She said she had been watching the softball game, and didn't even realize he had been crying.

 

[disykat]

I'm with your DH. Your son is four, not eight or nine. I don't think there's anything helicoptery about a parent prefering to supervise their own preschool aged child at a large family gathering where everyone will be milling about. Your DH has just as much of a right to have gut feelings and say no to something as you do. Actually, since this is HIS family I think he has more say on this one than you! This does not seem to me to be something to fight over. Your son gets to go the next day, right?

 

[disneybound2010]

You've been to the reunions before, so you should have a good idea of what the atmosphere is like. Is this an event where all the parents let their kids go off together, with no one watching them?

Or is this the kind of party where the families all do things together (play a baseball game, etc.)?

What about fireworks? Are there bonfires? If either, then I would not send him.

I think you mentioned that FIL is in poor health. If so, are you confident that GF will be keeping an eye on DS the entire time?

BTW, I don't think that your DH is a helicopter parent. He obviously has allowed your son to stay with FIL before, so there is something about this particular event that is bothering him.

If DS spending time with his cousins wasn't important enough for you to plan to attend tonight, why is it so important now? (I could understand if you had another major commitment, but you didn't mention any.)

If DH has been reasonable on most other things - as a PP said - I would respect his wishes on this one.

I just have to mention... I was at my DDs softball game last evening. A little boy (about 5 years old) was playing basketball while the game was going on. At one point, he starting crying VERY LOUDLY. I looked over and saw that he was laying on the ground, holding his head (with 6 other boys just standing over him, not knowing what to do). Since no adult was going over, I went to check on him. That's when I realized he was the coach's son (the coach was way over on the other side of the field, and I'm sure he didn't even realize it had happened). I told him to come sit over by me and I gave him a cold water bottle to hold on his head (which of course made him stop crying instantly - LOL). A couple of minutes later, a lady comes over and asks him if he's okay. Turns out it was his grandmother (and she was a YOUNG grandma - maybe late 50s). She said she had been watching the softball game, and didn't even realize he had been crying.

It is a mix of both. The kids will be able to play on their own some, but the adults set up and participate in games with the children. They have lots of crafts and activities for the children.

The fireworks are tomorrow night and FIL/GF are planning to leave about 8:30(they want to be home before dark) and if they actually do a bonfire it wont be until very late, once those not camping there head out.

GF has watched DS on numerous occassions and I have complete confidence in her...retired teacher...loves DS like her own child. FIL is always always always taken care of down there by his brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews. There will be plenty of people looking out for him if GF is not close by.

This is not the first time DH has balked at the idea of DS going out without us. Whether DS has stayed with FIL or at his MIL's house or my family's house, DH goes into panic mode...WHAT IF DS wakes up and doesnt know where he is? What if he needs to use the bathroom and can't turn on the light? Seriously, he worries if my sister(the one who is a good driver) takes him 3 blocks to the McD's for a special treat.

We had every intention of going to the reunion tonight(we usually campout down there) but DH ended up having to work late today and by the time he gets home,gets cleaned up and we were to get there it would be really late so we decided to forego tonight's activities. I decided to use the evening to prepare our dishes for the potluck tomorrow afternoon. If it's one thing this family can do, it's EAT!

 

[pilesoflaundry]

If there is a pool or lake, I agree with your husband. If not, I don't think it's too big of a deal.

I'm very overprotective and paranoid and I'm ok with that. My husband is better letting go in that sort of situation but is very overprotective letting them go with friends. Just so you know what pov I'm coming from.

 

[dislaney]

We've recently lost a few elderly family members and you don't ever get that time back! As long as I trusted FIL and his gf, I see no reason not to send him. Playing the what if's game will drive you crazy!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, I am going to put on my flame-suit and say that I would not immediately start using words like 'Helicopter'.

This is little 4 year old pre-schooler.

The kid will see his cousins and relatives the next day.
And people are acting like the is the last big chance to see cousins/family??????
That sounds like a classic and typical MIL/FIL guilt trip to me.
(never know when one might DIE... I'm comin' to meet ya Ethel!!!! I'm a-coming to meet ya!!!!)

This is not just an overnight visit with a relative.
It sounds like a big event.
I feel that with that many people and kids and 'organized chaos', one can not be assured that everybody is not assuming that somebody else is watching.

My son would not have gone to such an event without us at that age.

Sure, the dad may be shaping up to be a helicopter parent.
But, I see that as a very separate and different issue that can be addressed when appropriate.

IMHO, worrying about a 4 year old at this major of an event...
That, in NO way, warrants the names that are being used here.

 

[ICF]

I'm really surprised that some people actually wouldn't trust a 4yr old with his grandpa because it might be near a road or there might be a lake.

Unless 'grandpa' has health issues or other reasons to make him not trust worthy, I can't imagine saying my kids (when they were that age) couldnt go to a family reunion just b/c they might not be watched by grandpa (or any other adult) that well and might end up falling in a lake or running into a road.

Time with family is important and I'm sure gramps wont let his grandkid fall into a lake while he's in charge.

 

[disneyfans95]

I think the real thing would be that you should have ASKED before you made the call. You backed your DH in a corner and if had issues or concerns, you made it so he could not even talk to you about.

Maybe he would have been fine if you took 10 mins to explain your thought process. I am not saying you son should not go, but your DH sure as heck deserved a say in the situation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My inlaws DO live on a lake.

My DS DID spend time with them

But, a preschooler, a large function like this... That's different...
NO WAY, NO HOW, NO QUESTION.

IMHO, there valid concerns here.
And, it is completely uncalled for and unjustified to start making negative assumptions and calling names, as if this child is being deprived and NEVER allowed to see relatives (and they are all on their death beds, of course).

Uncalled for and not appropriate.

 

[krcit]

I wonder if people would be so quick to disregard the dad's opinion if it was the other way around?if the mom didn't want him to go I have 3 kids and if my DH was against something like this then my child wouldn't go. The child will be with the whole family tomorrow anyway. He's only 4. I don't know that I would have been comfortable sending any of my kids to a party like that at that age. Doesn't make me a 'helicopter' parent.

 

[WDWorBUST]

I'm really surprised that some people actually wouldn't trust a 4yr old with his grandpa because it might be near a road or there might be a lake.

Unless 'grandpa' has health issues or other reasons to make him not trust worthy, I can't imagine saying my kids (when they were that age) couldnt go to a family reunion just b/c they might not be watched by grandpa (or any other adult) that well and might end up falling in a lake or running into a road.

Time with family is important and I'm sure gramps wont let his grandkid fall into a lake while he's in charge.

I'm not saying under normal circumstances I wouldn't allow a child to go with his/her grandpa at that age. My parents watch my daughter while I work (and have since she was a baby) and my dad takes her swimming in their backyard pool almost every day during the summer. But that is one on one time where he isn't being distracted by a ton of other children and adults. The last I checked a reunion was for people to catch up and visit and it's easy to get sidetracked in that type of situation from a small child or think someone else is watching him/her.

Bottom line it comes down to a parents comfort level. I don't think either party is "wrong" in this situation necessarily. But I think parenting is a team effort and both need to be on the same page or in this type of situation make some type of compromise that they are both comfortable with.

 

[ajk912]

I'm with your DH. Your son is four, not eight or nine. I don't think there's anything helicoptery about a parent prefering to supervise their own preschool aged child at a large family gathering where everyone will be milling about. Your DH has just as much of a right to have gut feelings and say no to something as you do. Actually, since this is HIS family I think he has more say on this one than you! This does not seem to me to be something to fight over. Your son gets to go the next day, right?

I agree. You don't start cutting the apron strings at age four. You do that with the tweenage years or so, at age 4, you should be holding on tight to the apron still. Plus, the OP says the FIL isn't in good health, and it's not the girlfriend's responsibility to watch the 4 year old..I would say no.

 

[ChristaDeVil]

I'm totally overprotective, and when my son was 4, I would have felt the same way as your DH. However, looking back now that he's 9, it would have been absolutely fine. Let him go and enjoy the peace & quiet.

 

[Freyja]

Your DH in definitely being overprotective in my opinion. I think it would be wonderful for your son to spend some time with his grandpa without you and too meet with his cousins.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

I have allowed my youngest DS 5 to go to with my parents to see my brother and nephew. They live two hours away, and my parents tend to make the trip more than we do (usually because my older two have something). My youngest is the same age as my nephew so he loves it. My only complaint is they don't take all 3 so my DH still can't have a night out!!

When my oldest was 4, I would have said there will be plenty of time. However, my parents now live in Florida 60% of the year, and my in-laws really can't watch the kids because of health and mobility issues. Plus, once your kids get older, life gets busier. So, I think this is a great time to have grandpa bonding!

 

[sbell111]

i'm with your dh. Your son is four, not eight or nine. I don't think there's anything helicoptery about a parent prefering to supervise their own preschool aged child at a large family gathering where everyone will be milling about. Your dh has just as much of a right to have gut feelings and say no to something as you do. Actually, since this is his family i think he has more say on this one than you! This does not seem to me to be something to fight over. Your son gets to go the next day, right?

+1

 

[sbell111]

Time with family is important and I'm sure gramps wont let his grandkid fall into a lake while he's in charge.

Dontcha think that the person in charge of every kid that has ever fallen into a lake thought the same thing?