Is basic etiquette just completely dead??

[Mokat76]

I think it's rude to add people to the RSVP but I also think it's inconsiderate to invite single people without a guest, especially the person who has to travel from out of town.

It is absolutely NOT inconsiderate to do this. The bride and groom have a budget. This is how they chose to stick to it. Single people invited to attend without a guest have two options. Attend without a guest or decline the invitation. It's not the bride's and groom's responsibility to deal with their friends' social lives, insecurities or anything else. Where the invitee is from is completely irrelevant.

 

[goofyintoronto]

So the bride/groom decides that if the person is not in a relationship, they wont be allowed to bring a guest? How do they determine the seriousness of the relationship? Suppose a friend is quite serious with a gf/bf but just hasn’t come out and told anyone (aside from family) yet. Maybe the bridge/groom just don’t know? I think its rude to not allow a friend at your wedding to bring a guest, just because you assume theyre single.

In all my years I’ve only been invited to two weddings in which I wasn’t allowed to bring a guest. One was on valentines day, and I was married at the time! Lol. Of course I declined. Another wedding is actually coming up, it’s a coworkers wedding. Everyone from the office is going so it will be fine.

If your sister can squeeze in the extra people, I would allow (those who ask) to bring a guest. If she really cant, then she will have to put her foot down and tell the guests that she just doesn’t have space.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

People who RSVP for people who are not invited, whether it be a date or a child, are rude. End of story. You don't know the couples' financial situation, or their priorities. If you don't want to go by yourself, don't go at all.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

So the bride/groom decides that if the person is not in a relationship, they wont be allowed to bring a guest? How do they determine the seriousness of the relationship? Suppose a friend is quite serious with a gf/bf but just hasn’t come out and told anyone (aside from family) yet. Maybe the bridge/groom just don’t know? I think its rude to not allow a friend at your wedding to bring a guest, just because you assume theyre single.

In all my years I’ve only been invited to two weddings in which I wasn’t allowed to bring a guest. One was on valentines day, and I was married at the time! Lol. Of course I declined. Another wedding is actually coming up, it’s a coworkers wedding. Everyone from the office is going so it will be fine.

If your sister can squeeze in the extra people, I would allow (those who ask) to bring a guest. If she really cant, then she will have to put her foot down and tell the guests that she just doesn’t have space.

I totally disagree. It's one thing if it's a party I'm throwing in my house, for dinner or a sporting event or something, but, this is their wedding, and if they don't know someone's SO enough to specifically invite them to the wedding, it's not rude at all to just invite the friend. If you haven't come out and told anyone about the relationship, then why would the happy couple be in any way obligated to share their day with a complete stranger?

A wedding is a chance to share a special day with friends and family, it's not an obligation to provide a night of entertainment to friends, family, and their dates, friends, roommates or flavor of the week that they've hooked up with.

OP, the friends are rude to assume a +1, your sister should stick to her guns.

 

[TheRose227]

I am single, in my 30s, and the maid of honor for this wedding - I did not get a "plus one" either. I guess I don't understand people who don't feel like they can go anywhere alone. I am an introvert, and I have gone to plenty of weddings by myself. If I felt like I would be uncomfortable because I didn't know anyone and would have been alone, I would just decline the invite - I understand that it's the bride and groom's special day, not mine, and would never have felt like they needed to make "accommodations" for me.
I am sure they would have loved to have had a ginormous wedding and let everyone bring whoever they wanted, but as mentioned, that is not possible for a variety of reasons.

I'm dating someone seriously and I don't always get a plus one! I now have a lot of friends from high school getting married. If it doesn't say and guest or have DBF's name on it, he doesn't go. Works the same way for his friends.

Actually, because we aren't living together I originally wasn't invited to his cousin's wedding because many of her cousins were asking to bring significant others of a a few weeks. They decided at her bridal shower I could come because I've been there for everything else, and there's a reason to not live together yet.

It isn't my day and I shouldn't be making the bride and groom spend more because I want to bring someone with me.

A guest showed up at my cousin's wedding last year with her baby. She thought that because my cousin liked her baby, she would want her at her "no kids" wedding. She hadn't been a bridezilla about anything, but her friend showing up with a baby on the day with no notice, she was not happy.

 

[Skatermom23]

Sometimes I think people are not "up" on proper etiquette.

I received a wedding invite for myself only (addressed to just me, no guest.) However, inside the card, the RSVP card had spot to check if you were attending or not, and a blank line and asked how many guests if you checked yes, so it looked like you could bring someone if you wanted to. I only replied 1 since it was only addressed to me, but I could see how some would be confused. She had issues because many folks replied 2. Sometimes I think it's just an honest mistake and not a plot to bring an extra uninvited guest.

I believe I did this when I was younger! I got my first wedding invitation at age 20 from a co-worker. I believe it was only addressed to me. The inside was wording as you wrote and I did respond 2. I didn't know any better. I was a college student, working full time and this was before google existed. It wasn't until I was planning my own wedding, two years later, that I realized I had made a mistake! This was 30 years ago...I wonder if I should send an apology?

 

[eliza61]

I think it is unreasonable to believe a single person would not want to bring a date to a wedding.

That is a tough one. Now you know why people do destination weddings. ;


Your sister is just going to have to reiterate NO unfortunately. If her friend ditches, then so be it.

LOL.


In this case I don't think it's rudeness but simple lack of communication. I have never been invited to a wedding where a single person was not allowed to bring a date. Even if it's invited to me alone usually in the rsvp card usually had a line where you filled in how many people would be attending.

Now I'm closer to AARP ville so when myself and my friends were getting married the world traveled in two's. I did not invite people to my wedding who could not bring a guest.

If my girlfriend is getting married and I don't know her family, what do I do? sit at a table with a bunch of strangers? Yep that's stressful and I wouldn't look forward to it but I have no problem declining wedding invitations.

This situation seems to be an honest mistake.

 

[eliza61]

I believe I did this when I was younger! I got my first wedding invitation at age 20 from a co-worker. I believe it was only addressed to me. The inside was wording as you wrote and I did respond 2. I didn't know any better. I was a college student, working full time and this was before google existed. It wasn't until I was planning my own wedding, two years later, that I realized I had made a mistake! This was 30 years ago...I wonder if I should send an apology?

No, 30 years ago, that's how it was done. that is the thing with "etiquette" it's really simply social norms and social norms change with the times.

I got married 30 years ago and my guest list was in two's. i assumed the single people would be bringing a date. i would have never thought to invite a girlfriend by herself. My college roommate did not know my family, it would have been considered rude to have her sitting at a table by herself.

things are different now.

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

It is absolutely NOT inconsiderate to do this. The bride and groom have a budget. This is how they chose to stick to it. Single people invited to attend without a guest have two options. Attend without a guest or decline the invitation. It's not the bride's and groom's responsibility to deal with their friends' social lives, insecurities or anything else. Where the invitee is from is completely irrelevant.

I totally agree! The bride and groom can invite anyone they choose and should not feel compelled to include uninvited people. The guests have the option of declining.

 

[Disneyland1084]

If single people receive an invitation to a wedding that doesn't include a guest, I think it's okay if they ask if they can bring someone. When I got married in 2002, we addressed an invitation to a family we're close too. The son asked if he could bring his girlfriend. We said yes. My parents had to pay for 100 people, and only 86 were invited.

 

[MickeySP]

Sometimes not doing the plus one is an insult. In my case his ex wife did not want me there at my SO's sons wedding. We have been together for over 6 years. She is a controlling woman & wants him back so she wanted a clear field to him.

He told DS if I could not be there be would attend ceremony & do introductions then leave. He would not let her dictate his life. It was time for DS to stand up to her or she would try this all through their marriage.

Her parents & family contacted us when a brothers wife could not make it & invited me to sit at their table LOL. Picture her face when I was not only there but with her family!!

 

[goofyintoronto]

I totally disagree. It's one thing if it's a party I'm throwing in my house, for dinner or a sporting event or something, but, this is their wedding, and if they don't know someone's SO enough to specifically invite them to the wedding, it's not rude at all to just invite the friend. If you haven't come out and told anyone about the relationship, then why would the happy couple be in any way obligated to share their day with a complete stranger?

A wedding is a chance to share a special day with friends and family, it's not an obligation to provide a night of entertainment to friends, family, and their dates, friends, roommates or flavor of the week that they've hooked up with.

OP, the friends are rude to assume a +1, your sister should stick to her guns.

I do agree that if you see "john smith" on the envelope and not "john smith and guest", its rude to just include a guest. I do agree that its rude.

However, since we're talking about etiquette, I personally think its rude when single folks arent allowed to bring a date to a wedding just because theyre not "in a serious relationship". As people have mentioned, some have social anxiety and arent comfortable attending such functions alone. Yes its the bride/groom's choice to purposely NOT allow you to bring a guest, if they cant afford it, thats fine. You have to respect their wishes. However, from experience, when I was single, none of my friends, esp my close friends, ever did that to me. Even thou I was single, they always asked if I wanted to bring someone. Mind you its different if the wedding involves people youre not particularly close with. In that case, if you have anxiety, its easy enough to just politely decline the invite.

 

[Handbag Lady]

How rude of the guests. The bride and groom can invite anyone they wish, and guests who add invitees to their RSVPs are horrible people. Single people can and do go to weddings all of the time.

It is exactly as a previous poster said, are the B&G supposed to NOT invite people they want in attendance just so that someone they don't know can come as a date, and cost them $100 a plate? No. Would you buy a stranger dinner if it wasn't a wedding?

The worst happened at my wedding. People showed up who 1. were not invited and 2. who didn't even have the nerve to add on to anyone's invite. So, we were stuck with a larger food bill than planned and more guests than we had discussed with the catering manager.

At the end of my reception, the catering manager came to me with the final overage total. I made my mom pay for it as she's the one who told these people they could come (without telling me).

 

[mjkacmom]

Seems like there is a lot of social anxiety on the DIS! Honestly, I have never attended a wedding where I didn't know anyone. It's a celebration of friends and family - how close could you be to a couple if you don't know ANY of their friends and family? DH and I attended a wedding of a co-worker of mine (small office), and we were put at the "table of people who know no one." DH must have made quite the impression on one guy we were sitting with - we were invited to his wedding a year later!

 

[hlg22]

My one friend is getting married in the Spring. She had room for 100. 80 are family.
she has invited 7 couples.
Leaving her with 6 more invites.
Should she only choose 3 of her single friends, or wouldn't it be nicer to include 6 and have more people she cares about at her wedding?
.

This is exactly their situation.

However, since we're talking about etiquette, I personally think its rude when single folks arent allowed to bring a date to a wedding just because theyre not "in a serious relationship". As people have mentioned, some have social anxiety and arent comfortable attending such functions alone.

Interesting, since so many people seem to think it's rude or poor etiquette not to automatically give all single people a plus one, I googled...and could not find a single site or etiquette expert who agrees with that:

Per Emily Post:

Complication #2: Guests want to bring guests of their own.
After much negotiating, crunching of numbers, appeasing of parents, and searching of venues, you finally locked in your final guest list. Then a loved one (or two, or 10) replies for themselves and a guest when no “and guest” was invited. Awkward as it may feel to have pressed for a reply, it’s nothing compared to the agony some brides face when people assume they can bring dates. Wedding invitations are not negotiations; the inner envelope is the final word on who exactly is being invited, and the names listed there are the only guests included in the invitation. (The one exception is when the phrase “and family” or “and children” appears, implying that any and all family members residing under the same roof are included.) If you run into this problem, it’s completely acceptable to contact the overzealous respondents and explain that the size of your venue (or spending limit) won’t allow you to add extra people to the guest list. It’s not okay for guests to ask you to make exceptions, so it won’t be rude in the least to stand by your guest list.
Now, you might wonder if there are times when a guest should in fact have a plus one. Brides and grooms should be aware that spouses, fiancé(e)s and live-in romantic partners (no matter the sex) must be invited with your guests; boyfriends and girlfriends who don’t reside together don’t need to be. This goes for anyone invited to the rehearsal dinner, too.

Per Martha Stewart:

Inviting Plus Ones

If your relatives or friends are engaged to be married, their fiances (or fiancees) must be invited; their live-in romantic partners must be as well. However, if they are only dating, you need not invite their boyfriend or girlfriend. Should you decide to include some dates and not others, draw your cut-off line at a clearly identifiable place and communicate it to everyone who is not allowed to invite someone to accompany them.
Beware, many unmarried people find it tremendously upsetting to not be allowed to bring a date. Prepare them for the idea and pay careful attention to where the singletons sit during dinner.
As for your attendants -- letting them bring an escort would be a considerate gesture. It's not required, but they've done a lot for you.

Per NY Times "Wedding Q&As":

A note about plus-one wedding invitation etiquette: The standard is that a guest’s spouse, partner or fiancé should also be invited. Nowadays, it’s also widely accepted that people in a serious relationship are invited as a couple, but doing so is entirely up to the hosts.

Per Huffington Post/Bridal Guide:

Regarding “plus ones,” the general rule is that couples who are married, engaged, or living together must be invited together, even if you haven’t met your friend’s significant other. After that, it gets a little less clear-cut. Some couples give a plus one to singles over 18. Others decide to include dates for anyone in a relationship, while others draw the line at just couples who have been together for a year or more. Whatever you decide, consistency is key. The exception is your bridal party members -- if you can swing it, allow your single bridesmaids and groomsmen to invite dates if they choose to do so.

 

[luvmy3]

I wouldn't have an issue with someone sending out invites to single people without extending an invitation to a guest of theirs. We are always reading posts where people say "scale back your guest list" or something else so that the couple can afford their wedding, yet when someone does just that, it is considered rude. I don't think so. The only rudeness in this situation are invited guests adding their own uninvited guest.

 

[Angelhalo]

I think it's rude to add people to the RSVP but I also think it's inconsiderate to invite single people without a guest, especially the person who has to travel from out of town.

100% agreed.

 

[FireDancer]

Interesting, since so many people seem to think it's rude or poor etiquette not to automatically give all single people a plus one, I googled...and could not find a single site or etiquette expert who agrees with that

I don't know if it poor etiquette or not and I really don't care what Emily Post or Martha Stewart say about anything but I've never personally seen a single invite that wasn't "and guest" and if I did it would stand out as strange. I wouldn't just bring someone without asking but I would find it odd that there was no guest invited too.

 

[roomthreeseventeen]

I don't know if it poor etiquette or not and I really don't care what Emily Post or Martha Stewart say about anything but I've never personally seen a single invite that wasn't "and guest" and if I did it would stand out as strange. I wouldn't just bring someone without asking but I would find it odd that there was no guest invited too.

It's rude to even ask, though. The bride and groom have a much better handle on their invitation list than you do!

 

[FireDancer]

It's rude to even ask, though. The bride and groom have a much better handle on their invitation list than you do!

Not necessarily. I've been dating someone for almost a year and a half. If I were invited without them to a wedding I'd think it was either an oversight or mistake, not that they weren't actually invited.